Thursday, March 31, 2005


noun. An alternate term for "administrative assistant" or "minion of doom."

Real citation: "The Chameleon 3: Dark Angel. Now for some reason, KAM's background it changed yet AGAIN. She's a tough as nails bitch that doesn't listen to reason, wears all black, and goes around shooting people. Gets a lot more violent than the other two, and society it really gritty now. The story is so weak that you'll give up on it in 20 minutes. All New cast AGAIN, except Bobbie. Turns out that the secret agency created a black hole that could suck the universe up in a spilt second, and captured it in a little metal baseball and some evil doer wants to steal. VERY BAD IDEA for a movie, I know. But it gets worse... turns out that the Evil Doer's number 1 henchgoon is none other than KAM's long lost genetically engineered brother. Bad, very bad. "
(Christopher N. Denner, Jan. 1, 2002,

Made-up citation: "My henchgoons can beat up your assassin-bots, and if not, I got a couple mutant hellhounds that should do the trick."


adj. Like a pro ho would do it.

Real citation: "I got up this morning at the very unsex workerly hour of 7.30. Well, my alarm went off at 7.30, but I laid in bed until 8.30, fading in and out of consciousness. Then my day of sex began - not the naked kind of sex, the talking about sex. I trudged grumbling and battling the elements with my umbrella down Wall Street to the WBAI studio. In the six years I've lived in New York, I've been in the financial district maybe a handful of times - usually for a protest of some sort. It's a weird area of the city that I prefer to leave to the suits."
(Audacia Ray, "Sex in the Morning," March 30. 2005,

Made-up citation: "I pledge ass-chapper to the fucknutter of the Unsex-workerly Schmoopsie-poos of Ape-Poopy, and to the Rat gods for which it stands, one newsdude under geekstress, indivisible, with loinliness and jackassitude for absodiddly."

Wednesday, March 30, 2005


noun. The essence of being a grievous, heinous discomforting piece of business in the wazoo.

Related words: bad-assitude, smart-assitude, big-assitude, lard-assitude, kick-assitude, grab-assitude, fat-assitude, suck-assitude, wise-assitude, dumb-assitude, numb-assitude, pompous-assitude, stick-up-assitude, tight-assitude, half-assitude, punk-assitude, super-bad-assitude, slack-assitude, Fortress of Assitude.

Real citation: "Whenever I cook up something that involves a lot of chopping and pain-in-the-assitude, I like to double or triple the recipe and make a lot, to ensure there's leftovers."
(akibare, "Leftovers,"

Made-up citation: "What I lack in bootyliciousness, I make up for in pain-in-the-assitude. Sad, but true."


adj. Aided by the sweet, soft touch of a falafel. Er, loofah.

Real citation: "I'm still in this frozen mode, for example, during my long and luxurious and loofah-enhanced shower I was thinking of 100 or more things that would be interesting and fun and revealing and cathartic and good lord maybe even funny that I could share here in this blog space and now that I'm sitting here writing I know all that stuff is still in my brainpan somewhere but it's stuffed tight into a nook or cranny that I can't seem to dip into at the moment and so I'm sitting here writing anyway and feeling frustrated that I can't get into that locked-up world of words."
(Laurie, Aug 27, 2003,

Made-up citation: "A young lady from Indiana once told me my ponytail reminded her of a loofah, but sadly, I never joined her in any pseudo-loofah-enhanced bathing activities."

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

for Christ's sweet biscuits

exclamation. By the sacred testicles (or yummy rolls) of our Lord Jesus H. Christ.

Related terms: for God's sack.

Real citation: "Irina just looks at him and says, "Why haven't you tried to convince Sydney to leave the CIA?" Jack just looks disgustedly at the ground as if to say, "Oh, for Christ's sweet biscuits! Here we go. It's The 'Let's Discuss How Terrible Of A Father I Am' Show! Only, this is a REPEAT, sister! Now, answer the fucking question before I come in there and throw you to the ground and suck on your earlobes and mmmm...""
(Erin, "A Dark Turn," page 3, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "For Christ's sweet biscuits, what possessed my mother to name me 'Latrina'? If I were a boy, would my name be 'Toileto'?"


adj. Having nothing whatsoever to do with hot, buttered monkey sex (or even lukewarm, moldy gorilla sex, as the case may be).

Real citation: "Of course, naturally, I would love to regale you with tales of sauciness in the backseat, but sadly, none exist. My car however, has seen plenty, as I often drove other couples around as they made out in the backseat of my car. (High school was an odd time for me). But, I am sure I can dig up a few non-nookie related car moments."
(Julie, Jan. 23, 2005,

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'You must distinguish between the holy and the common, between the unclean and the non-nookie-related.'"

Monday, March 28, 2005


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adj. Where hos flourish and frolic, this word may be properly used.

Real citation: "Oddly enough this dimensions Ice-T is a far cry from the cop killer we have all grown to know and love. Instead of ho-centric violence laced rhymes the raps of this Ice-T are relatively benign and his wardrobe gives one cause to question his sexuality."
("Review: Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (Whoohoo!),"

Made-up citation: "Buy my new book: How to Make Your Easter Celebration a Ho-Centric Hoedown Unfit for Rabbit or Child."

Friday, March 25, 2005


adj. Sorta in the manner of a bad, bad mama-yama.

Real citation: "This isn’t something he hoarded. It was his gift. He tried to make everyone around him feel as bad-motherfuckerish as he did. It only added to his pleasure. It was something shared, but it also was who he was. If one wears a mask that they hand paint themselves, is it any less true than their skin? "
("The Kid is Dead," Sept. 23, 2004,

Made-up citation: "When I die, I'd like to be stuffed, and if my obituary included words like 'bad-motherfuckerish' and 'beautifully-buttocked,' that would be cool too."


adj. Turbulently, petulantly throbbing, whether with pain, pleasure, or pulsations unknown.

Real citation: "“Another Night Train morning,” he thought, before he noticed the throbulent wound on his forehead. Suddenly it all came back to him. The years of neglect. The lack of desire to hold a job. The smell of corrugated cardboard. Yes, he was a hobo, and he was doggone proud to be one."
("The Rise and Fall of the Hobo King,"

Made-up citation: "The throbulent loins of the dripping...oh hell. I have no future as a writer of serious erotic fiction."

Thursday, March 24, 2005


present participle. Causing otherwise decent, mild-mannered citizens to say, "aaaaarrrghhhhh!" Self-gouging of eyeballs is optional.

Related terms: doh-inspiring, ew-inspiring, gah-inspiring, ick-inspiring, meh-inspiring, squee-inspiring, whoo-inspiring.

Real citation: "Just wanted to vent about my argh-inspiring week."
(Leslie Deak, Feb. 16, 2001,

Made-up citation: "I find low talkers extremely argh-inspiring, and if they don't speak up soon, they're going to inspire stab wounds as well."


adj. This describes a situation or person who--in addition to fist-related-activity--is likely to yell "woohoo" and frighten small animals.

Real citation: "Appreciating Leaves Leader's highlights, then, requires a certain amount of finesse, or at least the ability to detune your critical focus. That means being satisfied with "Rail Road"'s glittery, kaleidoscopic melody and singer Christine Garcia's detached, feather-light vocals, even if they're the payoff rather than the wind-up. It means getting excited when "Casanova" segues from its sprawling melody into a throbbing, syncopated strum that sounds as if it were lifted from a stillborn sixties Britpop tune, even when there's no big blowout at the end to clean the pipes. It means that you still shiver the twenty-seventh time you hear "Wish Song" make the transition from shiny shoegazer pastiche to blustery, transformative haze of overdriven notes and crash cymbals, and that you get all fist-pumpy when "Third Song" finally reaches its third-act shift from exploratory sonic maelstrom to purposeful, Velvet Underground-inspired jamming."
(George Zahora, Dec. 14, 2004, Splendid Magazine,

Made-up citation: "Waiter! I order the Fist-pumpy Filet, not the Phlegm-coughy Fricassee!"

Wednesday, March 23, 2005


adj. Suitable for humongous freakin' blocks of ice.

Real citation: "I hope you're all wearing glacier-appropriate clothing."
(Principal Skinner, "On a Clear Day I Can See My Sister," March 6, 2005, The Simpsons)

Made-up citation: "That speedo is not glacier-appropriate. More importantly, I must now cleanse my eyeballs with Drano."


noun. A state characterized by seven shades of total, brutal, ass-sucking crap.

Real citation: "Uh, what are you talking about? Keef used Les Pauls and Epi Casinos for the vast majority of the Stones' albums and concerts up through Exile on Main Street. That guitar on auction was probably used more than any other during that period. This commonly-held notion that Keef has played Teles his entire career is retarded. Until after Exile (when his collection of guitars was stolen) did Keef start using Teles with any regularity at all. In fact, nothing against Teles, Keef's turn to Teles coincides with the Stones' turn into suck-assdom."
(tonysoprano, Nov. 26, 2004, Plexi Palace,

Made-up citation: "Speaking of the Stones, they've been swirling down the toilet of suck-assdom since 1972. That's my entire life!"

Tuesday, March 22, 2005


adj. Totally, terrifically swanky.

Related terms: pimp-o-riffic, pork-o-riffic, rage-o-riffic, glam-o-riffic, whine-o-riffic, smell-o-riffic, gnarf-o-riffic, clown-o-riffic, babe-o-riffic, mall-o-riffic, mayor-o-riffic, gore-o-riffic, angst-o-riffic, mud-o-riffic, egg-o-riffic, hunk-o-riffic, stink-o-riffic, F-word-o-riffic, spiff-o-riffic, Cold War-o-riffic, chunk-o-riffic, turd-o-riffic, crap-o-riffic, Satan-o-riffic, drool-o-riffic, barf-o-riffic, engorge-o-riffic, jizz-o-riffic, cluck-o-riffic, grunt-o-riffic, mom-o-riffic, fluff-o-riffic, spank-o-riffic, cleave-o-riffic, suck-o-riffic, strobe-o-riffic, cheese-o-riffic, flake-o-riffic, retard-o-riffic, men-o-riffic, crud-o-riffic, vibe-o-riffic, shit-o-riffic, beer-o-riffic.

Real citation: "We made some updates to make SWO more legible and swank-o-riffic. In addition, Morien Thomas whipped up a neato new logo. What do you think?"
(Unkle-Ernsie, Jan. 21, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Given my preference for untucked shirts, cheap sneakers, and Mr. Rogers sweaters, strangers rarely tell me I am swank-o-riffic. And I can't remember the last time someone said, 'nice ass.'"


adj. Instigated, perpetrated, or regurgitated by good ol' gran-gran.

Real citations: "I'm still not in the stock market. I still haven't finished the Old Testament. I still haven't heard back from George Mason or James Madison; I'm not even on speaking terms with Patrick Henry. The fish I caught this summer was pathetic. I still don't have my hunting license. My enemy list is twice as long as it was a year ago. My wardrobe, mostly due to grandmother-induced bleach stains, isn't quite as nice. My CDs are all scratched. My tires are going bald. I'm going deaf in my left ear. I still haven't gotten into college sports. I got tired of my novel. I met Terry Brooks, but I didn't like him. And the thermodynamic state of the universe keeps getting more and more damn chaotic."
(March 2, 2005,

Made-up citation: "Grandmother-induced wild monkey sex is highly recommended--if Lena Olin is the grandmother."

Monday, March 21, 2005

hung like a Norse

idiom. Uh, quite well-hung.

Related terms: like a Viking in the sack, hung like a bagpipe, hung like a bear, hung like a Brazilian pack mule, hung like a Canadian, hung like a chipmunk, hung like a Clydesdale, hung like a donkey, hung like a farm animal, hung like a flea, hung like a fly, hung like a fruit bat, hung like a gerbil, hung like a hamster, hung like a hero, hung like a horse, hung like a horsefly, hung like a horseman, hung like a house, hung like a house mouse, hung like a Kennedy, hung like a lizard, hung like a llama, hung like a loose dish rag, hung like a moose, hung like a mule, hung like a pimple, hung like a porn star, hung like a racehorse, hung like a Republican, hung like a seahorse, hung like a Shetland pony, hung like a snake, hung like a sperm whale, hung like a stallion, hung like a superstar, hung like a Tic Tac, hung like a tootsie roll, hung like a Western Canadian bison.

Real citation: "Being hung like a Norse was key to social hierarchy and being considered a real man in 10th-century Icelandic society, according to a new paper, 'Size Matters: Penile Problems in Sagas of Icelanders', to be presented to the International Medieval Congress in Leeds this week. "
(Amelia Hill, "When it was vital to be hung like a Norse...," Guardian Unlimited,

Made-up citation: "Though Thor was hung like a Horse, he was also limp as a chimp, so he picked up his magic hammer and smashed all the trolls into troll jelly."


noun. A "spatula" that is a goddamn creepy poser!

Real citation: "55. hold a candle light/spatula light vigil for Martha Stewart 56. create intricately designed faux spatula for sticking on your head that would make it look like it is sticking through your ears, like that old arrow gag 57. pseudo-spatula. I’m not really sure what to do with this one, but it just sounds cool."
(Mr. H, March 24, 2004,,

Made-up citation: "Hand me the pseudo-spatula, willya? I'm making the quasi-shitcakes."

Saturday, March 19, 2005

post-traumatic dating syndrome

noun. A serious disorder, sometimes brought on by ex-sweetie-bags who are secretly evil, stabby, CIA-infiltrating clones.

Real citation:
"Sydney: Let's talk about you. A beautiful painter lives in your building and you haven't asked her out yet. Why?
Will: Because (Will's cover is) recovering from post-traumatic dating syndrome after his last girlfriend dumped him by ramming a bayonet into his lungs."
("Remnants," Dec. 7, 2003, Alias)

Made-up citation: "With their hump-happy, omnisexual ways, the bonobo suffers from less post-traumatic dating syndrome than any other primate."


adj. Full of non-boring, non-lame, non-yawn-or-suicide-inducing joy.

Real citation: “I'll second wolfie's very diplomatic response to your characterization of Tina as "blah." Ms. Blah gets the two hottest chicks on the show, IMHO, and that has to say something about her that is decidedly un-blah... ;)”
(obLW, “The L Word,” Jan. 20, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "My mood is un-blah, but don't be afraid to pass the Prozac, 'cause I'm totally un-woohoo too."

Friday, March 18, 2005


adj. This word should be used with caution and only applied to lunchable, mattressable, boinkable, bonkable folks who are quite deserving of a severe licking.

Real citation: "Tongue bath worthy or not.....let's just be all glad she hasn't followed the path of Reese Witherspoon and sold-out to hollywood fluff, ie Legally Blonde, Little Nicky, Sweet Home Alabama, Legally Blonde 2"

Made-up citation: "There's a fine line between tongue-bath-worthy and sponge-bath-worthy. OK, maybe there's not."


adj. Lacking massive quantities of heinous, dreadful, awful, total crap.

Real citation: "Since everybody is confessing, I have a confession to make. A lot of what I post is total dreck. This is wrong. I deeply regret it. I intend to reclaim non-dreckful posting for myself, and for my readers."
(Bukich, Sept. 16, 1998,

Made-up citation: "Only the first two seasons of Alias are completely non-dreckful. Since then, it's been dreck, dreck, crap, dreck, dreck, crap, and a load of rubbish."

Thursday, March 17, 2005

sweet holy fucking mother of batshit

exclamation. This is a sweeter, holier, battier, more motherly version of "holy shit!"

Related terms: holy fucking batshit, holy flaming batshit, holy flying batshit, holy freakin' batshit, holy frigging batshit, holy jumpin’ batshit, holy dripping batshit, holy exploding batshit, holy stinking batshit, holy orange batshit, holy irradiated batshit, holy Jesus batshit, holy pope-flippin’ batshit, holy steaming batshit on a fat-free wheat thin.

Real citation: "Sweet holy fucking mother of batshit, can I submit one jesus loving diary without the motherfucking poll getting destroyed?"
(SmoothP, July 23, 2002,

Made-up citation: "As I prepare to do my taxes, 'sweet holy fucking mother of batshit' pretty much sums up my feelings."


adj. This handy word describes a young lady who seems more like a scantily-clad, battery-powered, missile-equipped young robot.

Related words: fembot-ish, fembot-like, spokesfembot.

Real citation: "reallllly nice use of different reds for a cool effect. in fact, i like all the effects. it gives a very austin powers, fembotty feel. nice expression on the model's face, great clarity in her features, cool pose, and HOW did you get those size 6 pants to fit a size 1 model??? "
(March 2, 2002,

Made-up citation: "How many of Wallace Stevens' poems rhyme 'fembotty' with 'phlegm potty'?"

Wednesday, March 16, 2005


noun. A literal or metaphorical shit sandwich of truly mega-poopy proportions.

Real citation: "so.. What the hell was going on with the uber turd-burger playing our lil' Will? Even if she skipped by McDonalds one day to save up and buy herself some acting lessons... she'd still be fatter than hell."
(Faith, March 23, 2004,

Made-up citation: "SAT season has passed, so this year's high school juniors can now safely forget words like 'persnickety,' 'bifurcate,' 'umbelliferous,' and 'uber-turd-burger.'"


adj. Sorta kinda somewhat partly pervy.

Real citation: "Or reading. Or playing the guitar. Or eating. OR stop it after the musical part and I'm semi-perv-ish the rest of the time."

Made-up citation: "I do not have lusty, sweaty, throbbing, Biblical feelings for your sister, and I'm offended that you would even suggest it. However, she has inspired a semi-perv-ish poem I would like to share with you."

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


noun. A condition characterized by witless, dim-bulb, dumbass, poo-poo-for-brains sort of behavior.

Related words: assholitude, ballitude, barfitude, bittersweetitude, boobitude, buttholitude, buttmunchitude, cluster-fuckitude, crapitude, creepitude, crotchitude, dorkitude, fuckheaditude, fucknutitude, funkitude, hornitude, hottitude, hunkitude, I-don’t-give-a-fuck-itude, jackassitude, loonitude, lunchitude, lustitude, miffitude, mindfuckitude, orgasmitude, out-of-touch-itude, over-the-top-itude, pornitude, princessitude, punkitude, quasi-buffitude, reekitude, schlongitude, schmuckitude, shititude, skankitude, slurpitude, slutitude, soulmate-itude, stankitude, stinkitude, suckitude, thongitude, twerpitude, wackassitude, wangitude, what-the-fuckitude, yutzitude.

Real citation: "Dave Stewart, Legal Eagle, "thought" the evidence had been presented. Ayup, and what other 'thoughts' have you had in the last week that weren't lies, hypocrisy, disingenuous dimwittitude or just plain trolls? "

Made-up citation: "Sometimes when my own dimwittitude reaches a frightening Code Orange level, I have a cookie and feel my blood sugar and intellectual prowess rise together, like boners."


noun. The headquarters of a not-particularly-brainy organization or person, such as the Democratic Party or Dr. Evil.

Real citation: "So is this the end of the phony, partisan, unpatriotic jihad against the Bush administration? I wish I was a fly on the wall at DNC Assquarters today, the mood was probably funereal."
(faithincowboys, "Where are the partisan Democrats today??," July 22, 2003,

Made-up citation: "At the assquarters of my secret, covert, important organization, only assholes, asshats, ass clowns, asswipes, and ass-suckers are welcome. Buttmunches can find their own club."

Monday, March 14, 2005


noun. A metaphorical bucketload (and maybe even a metric buttload) of putrid, gross, ew-worthy stuff.

Real citation: "Now that's not to say I haven't heard equally bad singing in other performances. It's just that the gestalt of this one has in my experience never been approached in its overwhelming putridosity. "
(Mitchell Kaufmann, July 3, 2004,

Made-up citation: "It's never easy to ask a potential life partner if alcoholism, mental illness, and all-around putridosity run in their family."


noun. A particularly monstrous and humorous beard.

Real citation: "So Irina and Jack and Jack's beard meet up with Sydney and Mr. Zamir. Jennifer Garner shows what a consummate professional she is by not bursting into hysterical laughter at the sight of the beard, which makes me wonder how many takes they had to do to get this scene. Or maybe they exposed the actors to the beard one by one, in a quiet room, accompanied by a trained counsellor who could help them to confront and talk through the issues raised by the presence of the beard, before they were put into a position where they had to act with the beard. You know, like how you teach kids not to be scared of dogs, for instance. Or maybe they just had to shock the actors with the beard -- like, Victor Garber showed up for work that day, knowing from the script that it was the day he'd have to wear a fake beard, and he got to the set, and opened his trailer, and he can't quite get the door open -- he's pushing on it, and suddenly the door gives, and MY GOD, there it is! BEARDZILLA!"
(Wing Chun, "The Passage, Part Two," page 7, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Though it may frighten small children and pets, a badass beardzilla is warming and so worth it in the winter."

Saturday, March 12, 2005


present participle. Hello to the imagery! This word describes a man so non-girly and macho that evil hormones are fleeing for their lives--straight from his tits.

Related terms: testosterone-marinated, testosterone-pumped, testosterone-based, testosterone-fueled, testosterone-driven, testosterone-crazed, testosterone-soaked, testosterone-choked, testosterone-laden, testosterone-suffused, testosterone-centric, testosterone-powered, testosterone-friendly, testosterone-jacked, testosterone-gorged, testosterone-enraged, testosterone-poisoned, testosterone-injected, testosterone-oozing, testosterone-spilling, testosterone-spewing, testosterone-spraying, testosterone-spitting, testosterone-radiating, testosterone-sucking, testosterone-mongering.

Real citation: "THURSDAY, JAN. 6: Imagine the asshole in the shiny new Humvee GlobeStomper 5000X behind you firing warning shots from his hood-mounted machine gun because you're going a mere 70 on the freeway. Yeah, infuriating. Now imagine that same asshole in his Humvee firing warning shots while also rubbing his testosterone-lactating man-teats with $100 bills. Super infuriating! That'll happen under a plan unveiled by Gov. Guinn Wednesday, a proposed $300 million tax kickback that would take the form of DMV registration fee rebates. Because of better-than-expected tax revenue after the rancorous 2003 Legislature, Guinn floated the idea as a way of saying "Thank you, Nevadans"--no, no, no, not you with the '87 Toyota Tercel. The guy behind you with the new Jaguar S-Type. Yeah. Thank you."
(Andrew Kiraly, "The Week in Review," Jan. 13, 2005, Las Vegas Mercury,

Made-up citation: "I used to be a kitten-strangling, testosterone-lactating manbeast of a dude, but the kitten blood and male-hormone residue just ruined too many shirts."

pissy hissy snit-fit

noun. This is somewhere a few exits past "conniption fit" and just short of "going special forces on your ass" (with a touch of femininity-gone-apeshit for flavor).

Related terms: hissy fit, hissy-snit, hissified, snit fit, hissy snit fit, hissy-spat.

Real citation: "Throw a pissy hissy snit-fit where you write poetry that blames your misery on the lowlife people who have caused it. "
(BadCommentPolice, Aug. 14, 2003,

Made-up citation: "I hope my yoga class will ease my neck pain and bring peace to my troubled brain, so I'll have less need to pitch a pissy hissy snit-fit when someone pees in my cornflakes."

Friday, March 11, 2005


noun. A not-too-fear-inspiring minion of not-quite-doom.

Related terms: henchmoron, henchslut, henchgoon, henchvamp, henchdog, henchrat.

Real citation: "Emma Peel goes bad?: Enter our Villans... One of whom is a catsuit-wearing young lady, the other our Henchdork. (We first see him unable to work out the mechanics of a ski mask.) Look, TEST the intelligence of your flunkies before hiring them, Megavillains! It'll save a lot of lost productivity as you rot in the slammer due to their boneheaded mistakes... They do a "Mission Impossible", rappelling into the gallery where the ruby is being displayed. This gives us the first real look at the aforesaid gallery... and BOY, that place is more cluttered than my bedroom! Full-sized Dinosaur models, Egyptian artifacts AND the rubys display case. It looks like they've hidden the gem in a surprisingly well-appointed warehouse. Catsuit Girl drops in first, using a mounted pteryldactyl as cover from a security guard. Oh, THAT's why it's there. She's followed by... "
("Mr. Magoo,"

Made-up citation: "With my advanced degree and bottomless, chewy moral center, I am quite qualified to be a henchdork."


noun. Diddly-fucking-shit, also known as diddly-fucking-crap, but sometimes referred to as diddly-fucking-fuck, and occasionally answers to the name of diddly-fucking-poo.

Related terms: su-diddly-fucking-uck, ha diddly fucking ha, yee diddly fucking ha, tee diddly fucking hee, whoop-diddly-fucking-doo, ho diddly fucking ho ho, jack diddly fucking shit, scrum-diddly-fucking-umptious.

Real citaion: "in other news, i'm a complete interweb retard. the new tegan & sara albumn has been released on the web more than a month before its actual release date. some people had advanced copies and put them up on the web. which really kinda sucks, i mean you've slaved away for months and months on an albumn (i'm imagining all of this, since, well, its not like i would REALLY know, but i'm off topic), and you must be so looking forward to its release date!!!! and then someone goes and blows the whole build up and spoils it all. anyway, when i first read that it was on the net, i searched high and low, downloading a billion kinds of shareware programs, and NADA! DIDDLY-fucking-SQUAT! everyone and their fucking mothers can find it, except me! "
("A doodle. I do doodle. You, too. You do doodle, too," July 28, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Recent studies indicate the average American I.Q. falls somewhere between diddly-fucking-squat and 11. Or was that the average birth weight?"

Thursday, March 10, 2005


noun. A rock-solid core of batshit-mental true believers for a cause--excuse me, for THE cause, whatever that might be--that is holy, good, pure, and of the Lord.

Real citation: "What is the barking moonbat response to Senator Clinton's sensible idea that we should work together to reduce the incidence of unintended pregnancies? She's a "phony." Abstinence or nothing is their position, no matter that it directly results in *more* unwanted pregnancies and hence *more* abortions. They don't care about that as much as they care about yelling at people not to have sex. Republican politicians are scared of alienating their loonbase by promoting better access to birth control and more affordable, more effective birth control methods. Um, here's a fact, people: if you don't get pregnant, the likelihood of your having an abortion is pretty much zero. So yes, if you believe in restricting birth control, you are not "pro-life," you are an anti-sex LOON."
(Paula Light, "The true agenda," March 2, 2005,

Made-up citation: "I wonder how many loonwads make up the loonbase, and how many live on a moonbase?"


adj. Having to do with the hoo-hoo-dilly.

Real citation: "Is everything about everybody really about their mothers? All right, about the other thing. For a guy like that, he's goin' out with a woman, he could technically not have penisary contact with her volvo."
(Tony Soprano, "Mergers and Acquisitions," Nov. 3, 2002, The Sopranos)

Made-up citation: "In this house, 'assume the proper perpendicular penisary position' is not an acceptable way to say 'sit up straight.'"

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

get one's monkeys in a bunch

idiom. Become annoyed, just as one would understandably become annoyed while wearing constricting, uncomfortable unmentionables.

Related terms: get one's panties in a bunch, get one's pantyhose in a bunch, get one's Calvins in a bunch, get one's buns in a bunch, get one's britches in a bunch, get one's ideology in a bunch, get one's ego in a bunch, get one's tampon in a bunch, get one's nuts in a bunch, get one's whiskers in a bunch, get one's boxers in a bunch, get one's balls in a bunch, get one's balls in a bunch, get one's beanie in a bunch, get sand in one's vagina, get one's thong in a twist, get one's knickers in a twist, get one's panties in a twist, get one's Nicholson in a twist, get one's chakras in a twist, get one's cables in a twist, get one's toga in a twist, get one's noodles in a twist, get one's kilt in a twist, get one's nightie in a twist, get one's undies in a twist, get one's mind in a twist, get one's shorts in a twist, get one's skirt in a twist, get one's trolleys in a twist, get one's tonsils in a twist, get one's turban in a twist, get one's skivvies in a twist, get one's extremities in a twist, get one's bollocks in a twist.

Real citation: "am I ever going to add another entry? it’s only been 5 days! and I’ve been gone!
but yeah, soon. Don’t get your monkeys in a bunch."
(blm, May 25, 2004, In Limine,

Made-up citation: "Nothing gets my monkeys in a bunch quite like the Satanic advertising shitbuckets who are infesting my computer--and if they're reading this, I hope their pop-up-pushing asses die in a steaming pool of blood, pus, blues, and piss. Amen."


noun. A crackwhorish state of affairs or state of being, not necessarily involving a head of state.

Related terms: non-crack-whorish, pre-crack-whorish, crack-whore-free.

Real citation: "Guess what! Guess what! Some random things have happened since I last updated. Well maybe not random, but you know. I finished all my major exams on Monday. That night, I was running around trying to get stuff done. Glyeb came over a for a while, and we ate the dinner that I made. Then I gave Samra her pink elephant water can "for one very special flower!" After that I headed over to Shilpy's place for our night of (NATURAL) crackwhorish-ness. We got directions to (ooh ahh) a gay male strip club. It was the most bizarre thing that I've ever experienced. We walk in and of course we are so out of place there. We take a seat at a table in the back and try not to stick out as we um, peruse the merchandise. The guys were so disappointing. On the main stage, there were two guys who were completely naked and sorta struttin around. The weren't even actually stripping! Also, they were barely dancing and they only had OK bodies. The funny part was that they were walking around buck naked except for their socks."
(Dec. 19, 2001,

Made-up citation: "When I talk about Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I'm told I get a gleam in my eye that is not without a certain crackwhorishness."

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


noun. A little more than diddily-doodily-squat.

Real citation: "Spader is his scintillating self, a bit puffier (and friendlier) of face, perhaps a semi-smidgen less nasty but full of dirty tricks he longs to play on fellow lawyers, partly just to help keep them from developing simplistic complexes."
(ktdids, Oct 2, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Even deep in the bowels of the basement of my soul, I can't find a semi-smidgen of good will towards Adam Sandler or pea soup."

Monday, March 07, 2005


noun. A multitude of dicksmack-y...stuff, I guess.

Real citation: "Huh. Thanks for the explanation, dawsnzchck. That's some crazy shit, yo. If I were a meaner type of person I'd speculate about the kind of marriages people who think D/J are a great couple will end up in, but I'm not so I won't. Like I said, I was a newcomer who knew absolutely nobody who watched this show, and I was almost instantly a P/J'er. That onscreen chemistry really seems undeniable. As does Dawson's utter dicksmackitude."
(avocato, May 15, 2003, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'With my whole heart have I sought thee: O let me not wander from thy dicksmackitude."


adj. Ready, willing, and able to be slapped, smeared, or strapped to a pookie-wookie-schnookie of a dog-like critter.

Related words: clone-worthy, bone-worthy, groan-worthy, yawn-worthy, barf-worthy, spew-worthy, spooge-worthy, schlong-worthy, gong-worthy, thong-worthy, hump-worthy, bonk-worthy, boink-worthy, lust-worthy, drool-worthy, stalker-worthy, meh-worthy, gah-worthy, ew-worthy, sponge-bath-worthy, spanking-worthy, tongue-bath-worthy, spatula-worthy.

Real citation: "By the way, I can't believe anyone would compare Jojo or FeeFee to Dido. Jojo and FeeFee are just stupid, cutesy, poodle-worthy names; Dido was the name of a legendary queen of Carthage who committed suicide."
(person, "Re:Jojo," July 10, 2004,;action=display;threadid=1646)

Made-up citation: "Remember kids: 'poodle-worthy,' 'coyote-worthy,' and 'hellhound-worthy' are not synonyms. Good luck on those SATs!"

Sunday, March 06, 2005


present participle. This indicates serious slurpage of the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

Related terms: santorum-smudged, santorum-stained.

Real citation: "The Eagles will clinch the NFC East this week against the Redskins, which will also earn them a desperately needed first round bye. I feel certain about this, as I did that they'd beat the 49ers, but more so. The real problem this week (besides the Santa-sodomizing, Santorum-slurping run defense) is that the Eagles are still going to be very tired. This will be their third game in thirteen days, which, at the end of the season, is not a good thing. However, a win equals rest, and that's what they'll be playing for this week, well earned rest."
(Jason Toogood, "Eagles 'O#,"

Made-up citation: "Our upscale relaxation services include a happy ending, but santorum-slurping is somewhat discouraged."


noun. A pure, chaste state lacking any seductive or flirty maneuvers.

Real citation: "Now here comes the awkward romance part: I don't know how to be more obvious that I like these guys without throwing myself on them more literally than I'd care to admit. (That did it. The link to my blog is definitely disappearing from my AIM profile for a little while...) I just find myself sickened by those who fawn over guys to the extreme - chasing them, hunting them down, conquering them, etc. It's just not my style. Still, I really wish there was something I could do to clue them in with class. I never was a flirt. Damn my non-flirty-ness! Oh well... they're supposed to be off-limits anyway... I'll just have to stay content with them being good friends (which is good too! I'm not complaining!). It's all so damn complicated... time to go drown my sorrows in Valentine's Day chocolate..."
(Feb. 15, 2004, Atomic Lobster,

Made-up citation: "Chastity, modesty, serenity, and non-flirty-ness are important virtues in a nun or demented assistant."

Saturday, March 05, 2005


adj. Terrifically pimpy, in either the professional or civilian sense.

Related terms: pimpmobile, pimp slap, pimp hat, pimpster, pimp-tastic, pimp-sational, pimptacular, pimp-o-rama, pimpapalooza, uber-pimp, mega-pimp, superpimp, pseudo-pimp, quasi-pimp, unpimpy, non-pimp-like, non-pimp-controlled.

Real citation: "I have managed to acquire four pairs of jeans, two slutty tops, three handbags, oops... make that four handbags, one suede and furry pimp-o-riffic coat, one denim and fur jacket, two pairs of boots, wait, three pairs of boots, two sweaters, five -- yes, five! -- belts, a wonderbra and some undies in the past month. Oh, and a denim miniskirt. Obviously, I am going to have a lot of free time on my hands when the new year kicks in and I can't shop to fill my time. A huge void will be left in my daily life. "
(Dec. 31, 2002,

Made-up citation: "Since the only clothes I enjoy buying are Mr. Rogers sweaters, and I employ a negligible amount of sex workers, in good conscience, I can't put 'pimp-o-riffic' on my resume."


noun. Pants-peeage.

Real citation: "Ninja Captain your grasp of history is amazingly precise. Did you ever actually play Q1? Sure, we both know what mods there were for Q1 but did you ever play them? No pressure. If you did play them, was there a certain amount of self-wettage going on? Can you describe how much. If you prefer I can treat ignoring my question to mean 25% of a litre. If you prefer."

Made-up citation: "Self-wettage can put a damper on the fine dining experience."

Friday, March 04, 2005

nipple-obsessed simian

noun. Not to be confused with nipple-obsessed men, women, and children, this refers to a gorilla, ape, monkey, orangutan, chimp, bonobo, or other evolution-challenged individual who simply must have those precious mammary moments--or they go up the wall (er, tree).

Real citation: "Two American women sacked from their jobs caring for a "talking" gorilla are suing their ex-employer for allegedly ordering them to bare their breasts to the nipple-obsessed simian."
("Gorilla with a nipple fetish," Feb 21, 2005,

Made-up citation: "You say 'nipple-obsessed simian,' I say 'non-human nipple connoisseur."


noun. A batshit-wacky, bugfuck-loony nutbag of fun.

Real citation: "Ah, but Sheridan, a dangerous road to travel, once again... if we are to treat these as historical documents (what fucknutter thought that was a good idea anyhow?), then if one visual can be dismissed as false, *no* visuals can be trusted. But since dialogue screws up too, we can't trust that either. And that leaves us right where we always are with all of these shows/movies/etc... basically picking and choosing what we like the best. :p"
(E1701, July 9, 2003,

Made-up citation: "When a fucknutter offers duck butter, punt."

Thursday, March 03, 2005

sweet Mother Mary on a motorboat

exclamation. A sweeter, more motherly, more seafaring version of "Holy shit!"

Related terms: holy shit on a stick, sweet merciful Buddha on a crutch, holy freakin' Christ in a Christmas tree, Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick.

Real citation: "Except for the being in love with Lauren part, because sweet Mother Mary on a motorboat, I had an aneurysm at that point. Literally missed the next couple of lines. Sad thing is I'm going to have to go back and rewatch to see if I think he was faking Vaughn out or not. And what's with Vaughn and Sark being each other's great enemies? Seriously, that's just lame and I don't buy it."
(JenMD, Feb. 23, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Sweet merciful Mother Mary Magdalene on a motherhumpin' motorboat--I am gonna get some cheap Peking duck this weekend. Woo and fucking hoo! And quaaaack!"


adj. If a certain warrior princess gives you the willies, the creeps, the wiggins, the heebie-jeebies, or the whim-whams, then this word applies to you.

Real citation: "Xena-phobic: Lawless retires the warrior princess."
(Liz Haberman, "Our Countdown of the Year's 30 Most Anticipated Movies, Shows, Albums and More,"

Made-up citation: "Truthfully, I'm more Xena-ignorant than Xena-phobic, but anyway, I needed a goddamn X-word."

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


adj. Crappy--but perhaps poetically, mellifluously crappy.

Real citation: "Everyone send love/sandwiches/ponies/monetary donations to my Tiff-Tiff who feels very crapitudinous."
(May 3, 2001,

Made-up citation: "Only yoga class, the Alias season two DVDs, and beer sweet beer have prevented this from being a completely crapitudinous week."


adj. Partially lacking suckitude.

Related words: semi-boneless.

Real citation: "Episode One Recap: 53 Semisuckless Minutes"

Made-up citation: "I wish I could say this was a semi-suckless day, but today sucked monkey balls, donkey balls, golf balls, and maybe even the moons of Saturn in a giant, swirly, cosmic vortex of suck."

Tuesday, March 01, 2005


noun. An uncanny, tingly, weirdo-detecting mechanism in the brain, possibly buried somewhere near the corpus callosum.

Related terms: gaydar, straightdar, bi-dar, loserdar, jailbaitdar, moron-dar, sexual-geniusdar, "someone is staring at my ass"-dar.

Real citation: "Why do weirdo's have an affinity for me? Do I have weirdo-dar? Or do weirdos just have excellent taste?"
(Dec. 12, 2003, Diary Quotes,

Made-up citation: "Unfortunately for me, my weirdo-dar is on the fritz, but I do have fully functioning pretty-dar and cake-dar."


adj. As refreshing and soothing as a swine's hindquarters--in other words, as nasty as the eighth ringworm of hell.

Real citation: "My Raphael is nothing to be taken lightly, heathens. While he lacks the obscene strength of Asteroth, and the sheer pig-butt-nasty brutality of Nightmare, he more than makes up for it with his speed, and sense of STYLE, baby! Not only will I dance around you and slowly pick you apart, I’ll look good doing it, too. And, as near as I could tell, I was the only person using him in the tournament, to boot. I mean, where’s the fun in picking the characters that everyone else uses, hmm?"
("AWA 2K3 (AKA, AWA 9): The Pre-Con Report,"

Made-up citation: "Oddly enough, 'Pig-butt-nasty Pistachio' is not a popular flavor of ice cream or edible underwear."