Thursday, December 22, 2005

holy buttered crap on a stick

exclamation. A holier, crappier, stickier version of "Holy shit!"--with extra butter, please.

Related terms: holy buttered baby Jesus, holy buttered Batcakes, holy buttered beaver, holy buttered biscuits, holy buttered Buddha, holy buttered Christ, holy buttered crackers, holy buttered crap on toast, holy buttered crust, holy buttered monkey bums, holy buttered onions, holy buttered popcorn, holy buttered scones for tea, holy buttered shit, holy buttered shitbiscuit.

Real citation: "Holy buttered crap on a stick, listen to yourselves. Can you even read what you post? You prove the man's point."
(RHJunior, Sept. 15, 2003, A Small Victory,

Made-up citation: "I'm equally offended by 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy Holidays'--I pitch a 24-carat hissy-fit if I'm not greeted with 'Holy Buttered Crap on a Stick!' by my servants and spawn."

sleep like a crack baby

verb phrase. Depending on the availability of the rock, the snoozer in question is sleeping really well or not well at all--in the second case, the somnambulant individual may be oscillating like a broken grandfather clock.

Real citation: "I wanted a change of scenery, being shut up in the same room for 4 days drives you crazy after a bit, so I moved to the guest bedroom. It's cooler, quieter (the computers in there aren't always on) and there's less dust, so I'm not as congested. Last night and most of today I slept like a crack baby that just got its fix."
("Puss-filled Tonsils and Prescription Drugs," Feb. 5, 2003,

Made-up citation: "My mom told me if I didn't behave, the baby Jesus would sleep like a crack baby. God willing, this must be worth a lawsuit."

lick hippo-hole

verb phrase. 1. Sucks. 2. Sucks rocks. 3. Maybe sucks hippo rocks in addition to hippo heinie.

Related terms: lick hippo crack, lick hippo nutz, lick hippo sack, lick hippo taint.

Real citation: "Okay! Okay! I'll admit Alias started licking hippo-hole roughly around the end of season three."
(WM.™ STEVEN HUMPHREY, "I Love Television," The Stranger,

Made-up citation: "Much to my chagrin, the finale of Nip/Tuck licked hippo-hole while featuring enough nearly, metaphorically, or actually castrated males to put me in therapy for the rest of my life. Where's my bucket of brain bleach?"

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


adverb. No fucking way, 'kay?

Real citation: "Anyhow, let me tell you this fact: not working is totally fucking awesome. It is not, however, very interesting. Today, for example, my alarm went off at nine. Did I get up at nine, ready to take the bit in the teeth and kick the shit out of this day? Absofuckingnotly."
(Worker #3116, "Putting Shit in Perspective," April 21, 2004,

Made-up citation: "When offered pea soup or a prayer book, just say 'absofuckingnotly,' kids."


noun. An adorable, orgasmic, apocalypticish moment of cuteness that leaves no "aww" un-"aww"-ed.

Related terms: fuckageddon, crapageddon, shitageddon, skankageddon.

Real citation: "It's basically just a day of record breaking here in the District. First, there was the Cuteaggedon. Now: The Most Ground-Breaking D.C. Gossip Item Ever In the History of the World."
("Caution: Networking in Progress," Dec. 14, 2005, Wonkette,

Made-up citation: "Unlike the Rapture, the Cuteaggedon doesn't leave Jews and heathens to a hellish fate before Jesus swoops in like Rambo to show the anti-Christ a little tough love. That's why the Cuteggedon is cuter."

Tuesday, December 20, 2005


noun. Look deep into the police file of a jackass, and this ye shall find.

Real citation: "On other words, we know he's a jackass, but we're afriad VI will listen to his jackassage, so we need to be especially loud in exposing it."

Made-up citation: "I can tolerate your tomfoolery, but if you don't knock off the jackassage, I will cut off your nuts and feed them to my ferret Beverly."


noun. A guilty, naughty person of the female-ier sex.

Real citation: "The privacy of some of America's most important celebrities has been breached. And the culpritess is Paris Hilton."
(C.W. Fisher, Feb. 21, 2005,

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'The only good culpritess is a chocolate-and-strawberry-covered culpritess.' Or was that my Uncle Bob?"

Monday, December 19, 2005


noun. Like, a nutectomy?

Real citation: "The Deballification of the American Sportscape."
(Dec. 13, 2005, The Colbert Report)

Made-up citation: "If you think the deballification of sports has been painful, you should have been there for the deballification of my cat."


noun. Mmm...sweet buttered brains of buffoonery.

Real citation: "How could one generation act with such clarity, and their children be infected with such total puddingheadedness?"
(Zlex, May 12, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Though smart scientists have learned that mice sing and rats laugh, only humans possess a statistically significant amount of puddingheadedness."

Friday, December 16, 2005


noun. Mmm...oven-fresh matriarch.

Real citation: "I thought the only, and I mean only good thing about this episode was the part everyone else hated, the scene with Julia's shish-ka-Mom."
(SFLady, "Nip/Tuck," Dec. 7, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "YOU try to use 'shish-ka-Mom' in a sentence. Yipes."


adj. Diminutive and hippie-ish--like a French ferret.

Real citation: "Mayo Clinic's Guide - a $30 coffee table-sized book that is neither condescending nor flower-child-y."
(KJ, May 11, 1997,

Made-up citation: "Once an NFL team gets the 'finesse' or 'flower-child-y' label, the losses and concussions pile up like rats in Wisconsin."

Thursday, December 15, 2005


noun. A piggly-wiggly, spendy-bendy, 24-carat clusterfuck.

Real citation: "When he and his cronies wanted to attack Iraq, I suspended disbelief and forced myself to trust those that supposedly had more information than us (the citizens). It''s becoming clear now that they didn''t know anything, and the consequences of this are disturbing. Today, I officially declare this presidential administration a clusterpork."
(baggachipz, July 17, 2003,

Made-up citation: "If I were a rich girl--or government--I'd have one motherfuck of a clusterpork. Oink!"


noun. A particularly asshatted, navel-gazing, self-soul-sucking quality.

Real citation: "You must really try to fight against the tendency to vanish up your own arse, mate. I can live with your departure from AW/MW, but not if that's where you seem to have gone. You do have, shall we say, an affinity in that direction, like ET, say, or the little baby mouse out of Tom and Jerry. I'm only saying. I suppose upownarsitivity is the attraction of blogging. I don't get it, obviously."
(Hope, March 1, 2005, in comments at

Made-up citation: "Even a world-renowned proctologist with a weapons-grade pair of tongs can't cure an acute case of upownarsitivity."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

vent fucker

noun. 1. Ouch. 2. How romantic.

Real citation: "Thank to Kristyn for noticing and sharing, and condolences to the smoking vent fucker, who after December 8 will have to stay no less than 25 feet away from his beloved vent whenever he lights up."
(David Schmader, "Last Days," December 8, 2005, The Stranger,

Made-up citation: "Vent fucking is really in this winter, kittens. In fact, it's the new mangling-your-balls-on-a-conveyor-belt."


noun. Some things suck. Others suck rocks. For the rest, there's just a vast wasteland of suck-buttitude--not to be confused with bippy-suction of an ass-kissier sort.

Related terms: tight-buttitude.

Real citation: "And their comics to try and one up the comics they don't like suck butt... some are OK but they run along the path of Suck Buttitude."
(LeatherWolf, Jan. 7, 2005,

Made-up citation: "The third season of Nip/Tuck has had more than a little suck-buttitude--and I'm not talking about lipo of the rump."

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

poo-free zone

noun. Always a good place to be.

Real citation: "My landlady SUCKS. That's her in the picture. I barely have any heat and then Monday, we had a serious plumbing problem. Well, serious for the first floor as there were turds coming up out of my neighbor's drains—tub, sink, you name it. I'm safely in the poo-free zone of the third floor."
(Judy McGuire, "Bitch Better Heat My House!," Dec. 8, 2005, Bad Advice,

Made-up citation: "For proctologists, some health care workers, and certain turd-minded romantics, the poo-free zone of life can be small enough to pee through."


noun. That's you, sugarpants! Yes it is!

Related terms: schmoopiehead, schmoopiepants, schmoopiecakes.

Real citation: "Aww, still moody, schmoopieface?"
(Connie, Sept. 17, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Who's the schmoopieface now, motherfucker? WHO'S THE SCHMOOPIEFACE NOW?"

Friday, December 09, 2005


noun. Batshit, man. Batshit.

Related terms: ample assedness, assedness, bad-assedness, bare-assedness, big-assedness, brew-assedness, broke-assedness, busted-assedness, candied-assedness, candy-assedness, cheap-assedness, cold-assedness, crack-assedness, crazy-assedness, cute naked assedness, Disney-kiss-my-assedness, draggy-assedness, drool-assedness, droopy-assedness, dumbassedness, fancy assedness, fat-assedness, fatty-assedness, financial-kick-assedness, flat-assedness, foot-up-assedness, freaky-assedness, geek-assedness, general-wise-assedness, half-assedness, hard-assedness, haul-assedness, head-in-the-assedness, head-up-assedness, head-up-their-assedness, horse-assedness, iron-rod-up-one's-assedness, jackassedness, kick-assedness, King of the World-assedness, lame-assedness, lard-assedness, lazy assedness, long-assedness, masculine-assedness, mean-assedness, nasty assedness, near-brush-with-great-assedness, no-assedness, non-fat assedness, pain-in-the-assedness, pansy-assedness, pissy-assedness, pompous assedness, pretentious assedness, punk-assedness, red-assedness, slack-assedness, slap-assedness, smart-assedness, sorry-assedness, stick-up-their-assedness, stubborn-assedness, stupid assedness, suck-assedness, super-bad-assedness, superhalf-assedness, tight-assedness, ugly-assedness, up-my-assedness, weak-assedness, weird-assedness, whiny-assedness, whoop-assedness, wise-assedness.

Real citation: "NOTE: I recommend this reaction for use in various NPCs, including those who may have a good deal of training, to simulate the crazed-assedness of a gun fight and the low hit ratio statistics of incidents studied in The Real World."

Made-up citation: "Crazed-assedness is a wonderful quality in music and movies, less so in non-movie mothers and mobsters."

suitcase pimpette

noun. A female hanger-on, manager, and/or sex poodle of a male porn star or other young professional.

Real citation: "Everyone I spoke to knew of at least a handful of women who perform the role for other female performers. However, no one knew of a suitcase pimpette for a guy."
(Tristan Taormino, "Pimpin' Ain't Easy," "Aug. 22, 2005,,taormino,67070,24.html)

Made-up citation: "With a suitcase pimpette and a better resume, you too can climb the corporate ladder like a monkey up a banana tree."

Thursday, December 08, 2005


noun. A delightful penguin-like non-strut, often foreshadowing a future full of equally delightful don't-drop-the-soap scenarios.

Real citation: "Cheney's Perp-Waddle"
(Oct. 25, 2005, Wonkette,

Made-up citation: "Chuck Berry is a master of the duck walk and the penguiny perp-waddle, though a body search reveals few feathers."


adj. Lacking prominent protuberances of any kind.

Real citation: "Any New Non-sticky-outy Wifi Cards Out There?"

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'Aye, verily, there's a big difference between non-sticky and non-sticky-outy.'"

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

hot dog with teeth

noun. A naked mole-rat, baby. It doesn't get any better than that.

Real citation: "Twenty-five percent of their musculature is in their jaws. Their powerful incisors extend outside their lips. Some people think they look like hot dogs with teeth!"
("Frequently Asked Questions about Naked Mole-Rats,"

Made-up citation: "If a dickhead had his tallywhacker bitten off by a hot dog with teeth, that would be a real cock-up."


interjection. A schmucky and not entirely un-chickeny exclamation.

Real citation: "schmuckadoodledoo...I'd say schkrew him and the horse he rode in on... except he doesn't own anything that you didn't give him... so it would have to be *your* horse. Do you have a horse?"
(lapietra, July 17, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Which President do you think of when I whisper 'schmuckadoodledoo' into your shapely ear during AP History class?"

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


adj. Not very fresh and clean and inhabitable and minty.

Real citation: "There is no other way to put it. Ralph Baker, street photographer, is simply not your average kind of guy. He lives in what he calls his "spaceship," a green-housed, alternative, post-apocalypticish living space wedged snugly between two Williamsburg residential/commercial buildings."
(Raphie Frank, "Ralph Baker, (refusing to be) Blind Photographer," Sept. 10, 2005,

Made-up citation: "Parsons are perturbed when parishioners take post-apocalypticish poops in the private potty? Pish-posh!"


noun. An adorable little villain still learning the details of mustache-twirling and mayhem-causing.

Real citation: "Still reserving judgment on Peyton as a baddie, she hasn't really impressed me yet. I guess she can be a baddie-in-training to match up with Rachel's agent-in-training."
(mad maverick, "5-7: "Fait Accompli" 2005.11.17," Nov. 19, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "You've got to start baddies-in-training young--teach 'em that a lot can be accomplished with a loaded diaper and an evil heart."

Monday, December 05, 2005


noun. A small yet tasteful clusterfuck.

Real citation: "First on the docket, a mini-clustereff with Frank Robinson."
(Chris Needham, "Armas' Arm," Feb. 16, 2005,

Made-up citation: "Though a mini-clustereff is pretty fucked up, it is also diminutive and cute, like a leprechaun or Shih Tzu."


adj. Fantastically hack-like in all the myriad ways of hackery, as God intended.

Real citation: "When a powerful hack commissions hackwork from a piddling hack, the results are hacktastic."
(James Wolcott, "Kill PBS? Over My Dead Volvo!" Vanity Fair, Dec. 2005)

Made-up citation: "There's a fine line between craptastic and hacktastic, though a naked mole rat and a goliath bird-eating spider can be distinguished even by a layperson."

Friday, December 02, 2005


noun. My apathy is really fucking something.

Related terms: non-caredness, no-caredness, taken-caredness, devil-may-caredness, I-don't-caredness, why-do-I-caredness.

Real citation: "His name was Shawn. But he also had a nickname, which I don't remember at this time but let's go with "Hank" for the sake of who-the-fuck-cares-edness. He said he thinks he has a split personality. I said, "A split personality?? Fabulous!" because that's what I do in these situations. I mock them, but they're so delusional that they don't even realize that I'm making fun of them."
(Dawn, Sept. 4, 2005, Tiny Voices in My Head,

Made-up citation: "What you call 'who-the-fuck-cares-edness,' I call Zen. Now piss off; it's naptime, bucko."


noun. Folks like Commander Cuckoo-Bananas frequently engage in nutburgery, because they are mentally wacky.

Real citation: "This is a proven strategy in the area of ufology. People DO see UFOs. The government doesn't want people blabbering on about what might be the newest toy in the black budget arsenal. Therefore they find one easy case which can be debunked and whose observers can be exposed as nuts or frauds. That way, any other legitimate observations by competent people can likewise be dismissed as just more tinfoil nutburgery."
(Wm Bach, Aug. 1, 2002,

Made-up citation: "The nutburgery quotient of this Presidency will be hard to top. Then again, I never thought we'd learn that monkeys talk like Pepe le Pew, so I wouldn't rule anything out."

Thursday, December 01, 2005


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adj. I believe the technical term is "Me-fucking-ow!"

Real citation: “I've always been very conscientious to separate my hospital life from my real life. My time in the hospital is a lot like that lady in the Las Vegas commercial -- the one where she's all dominatrix-sex-kitten-y in the limo, only to be all business when she gets out. "What happens here, stays here." Except that it's kind of in reverse for me and the hospital, and also, I'm not so into S&M. So maybe this was a bad metaphor. Let's just move on.”
(“get out of my clinic, and into my subway car,” Sept. 7, 2004, push fluids,

Made-up citation: "A dominatrix-sex-kitten-y doofus is not in demand in Denmark--Democrats demand a discount!"