Thursday, December 22, 2005

holy buttered crap on a stick

exclamation. A holier, crappier, stickier version of "Holy shit!"--with extra butter, please.

Related terms: holy buttered baby Jesus, holy buttered Batcakes, holy buttered beaver, holy buttered biscuits, holy buttered Buddha, holy buttered Christ, holy buttered crackers, holy buttered crap on toast, holy buttered crust, holy buttered monkey bums, holy buttered onions, holy buttered popcorn, holy buttered scones for tea, holy buttered shit, holy buttered shitbiscuit.

Real citation: "Holy buttered crap on a stick, listen to yourselves. Can you even read what you post? You prove the man's point."
(RHJunior, Sept. 15, 2003, A Small Victory,

Made-up citation: "I'm equally offended by 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy Holidays'--I pitch a 24-carat hissy-fit if I'm not greeted with 'Holy Buttered Crap on a Stick!' by my servants and spawn."

sleep like a crack baby

verb phrase. Depending on the availability of the rock, the snoozer in question is sleeping really well or not well at all--in the second case, the somnambulant individual may be oscillating like a broken grandfather clock.

Real citation: "I wanted a change of scenery, being shut up in the same room for 4 days drives you crazy after a bit, so I moved to the guest bedroom. It's cooler, quieter (the computers in there aren't always on) and there's less dust, so I'm not as congested. Last night and most of today I slept like a crack baby that just got its fix."
("Puss-filled Tonsils and Prescription Drugs," Feb. 5, 2003,

Made-up citation: "My mom told me if I didn't behave, the baby Jesus would sleep like a crack baby. God willing, this must be worth a lawsuit."

lick hippo-hole

verb phrase. 1. Sucks. 2. Sucks rocks. 3. Maybe sucks hippo rocks in addition to hippo heinie.

Related terms: lick hippo crack, lick hippo nutz, lick hippo sack, lick hippo taint.

Real citation: "Okay! Okay! I'll admit Alias started licking hippo-hole roughly around the end of season three."
(WM.™ STEVEN HUMPHREY, "I Love Television," The Stranger,

Made-up citation: "Much to my chagrin, the finale of Nip/Tuck licked hippo-hole while featuring enough nearly, metaphorically, or actually castrated males to put me in therapy for the rest of my life. Where's my bucket of brain bleach?"

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


adverb. No fucking way, 'kay?

Real citation: "Anyhow, let me tell you this fact: not working is totally fucking awesome. It is not, however, very interesting. Today, for example, my alarm went off at nine. Did I get up at nine, ready to take the bit in the teeth and kick the shit out of this day? Absofuckingnotly."
(Worker #3116, "Putting Shit in Perspective," April 21, 2004,

Made-up citation: "When offered pea soup or a prayer book, just say 'absofuckingnotly,' kids."


noun. An adorable, orgasmic, apocalypticish moment of cuteness that leaves no "aww" un-"aww"-ed.

Related terms: fuckageddon, crapageddon, shitageddon, skankageddon.

Real citation: "It's basically just a day of record breaking here in the District. First, there was the Cuteaggedon. Now: The Most Ground-Breaking D.C. Gossip Item Ever In the History of the World."
("Caution: Networking in Progress," Dec. 14, 2005, Wonkette,

Made-up citation: "Unlike the Rapture, the Cuteaggedon doesn't leave Jews and heathens to a hellish fate before Jesus swoops in like Rambo to show the anti-Christ a little tough love. That's why the Cuteggedon is cuter."

Tuesday, December 20, 2005


noun. Look deep into the police file of a jackass, and this ye shall find.

Real citation: "On other words, we know he's a jackass, but we're afriad VI will listen to his jackassage, so we need to be especially loud in exposing it."

Made-up citation: "I can tolerate your tomfoolery, but if you don't knock off the jackassage, I will cut off your nuts and feed them to my ferret Beverly."


noun. A guilty, naughty person of the female-ier sex.

Real citation: "The privacy of some of America's most important celebrities has been breached. And the culpritess is Paris Hilton."
(C.W. Fisher, Feb. 21, 2005,

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'The only good culpritess is a chocolate-and-strawberry-covered culpritess.' Or was that my Uncle Bob?"

Monday, December 19, 2005


noun. Like, a nutectomy?

Real citation: "The Deballification of the American Sportscape."
(Dec. 13, 2005, The Colbert Report)

Made-up citation: "If you think the deballification of sports has been painful, you should have been there for the deballification of my cat."


noun. Mmm...sweet buttered brains of buffoonery.

Real citation: "How could one generation act with such clarity, and their children be infected with such total puddingheadedness?"
(Zlex, May 12, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Though smart scientists have learned that mice sing and rats laugh, only humans possess a statistically significant amount of puddingheadedness."

Friday, December 16, 2005


noun. Mmm...oven-fresh matriarch.

Real citation: "I thought the only, and I mean only good thing about this episode was the part everyone else hated, the scene with Julia's shish-ka-Mom."
(SFLady, "Nip/Tuck," Dec. 7, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "YOU try to use 'shish-ka-Mom' in a sentence. Yipes."


adj. Diminutive and hippie-ish--like a French ferret.

Real citation: "Mayo Clinic's Guide - a $30 coffee table-sized book that is neither condescending nor flower-child-y."
(KJ, May 11, 1997,

Made-up citation: "Once an NFL team gets the 'finesse' or 'flower-child-y' label, the losses and concussions pile up like rats in Wisconsin."

Thursday, December 15, 2005


noun. A piggly-wiggly, spendy-bendy, 24-carat clusterfuck.

Real citation: "When he and his cronies wanted to attack Iraq, I suspended disbelief and forced myself to trust those that supposedly had more information than us (the citizens). It''s becoming clear now that they didn''t know anything, and the consequences of this are disturbing. Today, I officially declare this presidential administration a clusterpork."
(baggachipz, July 17, 2003,

Made-up citation: "If I were a rich girl--or government--I'd have one motherfuck of a clusterpork. Oink!"


noun. A particularly asshatted, navel-gazing, self-soul-sucking quality.

Real citation: "You must really try to fight against the tendency to vanish up your own arse, mate. I can live with your departure from AW/MW, but not if that's where you seem to have gone. You do have, shall we say, an affinity in that direction, like ET, say, or the little baby mouse out of Tom and Jerry. I'm only saying. I suppose upownarsitivity is the attraction of blogging. I don't get it, obviously."
(Hope, March 1, 2005, in comments at

Made-up citation: "Even a world-renowned proctologist with a weapons-grade pair of tongs can't cure an acute case of upownarsitivity."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

vent fucker

noun. 1. Ouch. 2. How romantic.

Real citation: "Thank to Kristyn for noticing and sharing, and condolences to the smoking vent fucker, who after December 8 will have to stay no less than 25 feet away from his beloved vent whenever he lights up."
(David Schmader, "Last Days," December 8, 2005, The Stranger,

Made-up citation: "Vent fucking is really in this winter, kittens. In fact, it's the new mangling-your-balls-on-a-conveyor-belt."


noun. Some things suck. Others suck rocks. For the rest, there's just a vast wasteland of suck-buttitude--not to be confused with bippy-suction of an ass-kissier sort.

Related terms: tight-buttitude.

Real citation: "And their comics to try and one up the comics they don't like suck butt... some are OK but they run along the path of Suck Buttitude."
(LeatherWolf, Jan. 7, 2005,

Made-up citation: "The third season of Nip/Tuck has had more than a little suck-buttitude--and I'm not talking about lipo of the rump."

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

poo-free zone

noun. Always a good place to be.

Real citation: "My landlady SUCKS. That's her in the picture. I barely have any heat and then Monday, we had a serious plumbing problem. Well, serious for the first floor as there were turds coming up out of my neighbor's drains—tub, sink, you name it. I'm safely in the poo-free zone of the third floor."
(Judy McGuire, "Bitch Better Heat My House!," Dec. 8, 2005, Bad Advice,

Made-up citation: "For proctologists, some health care workers, and certain turd-minded romantics, the poo-free zone of life can be small enough to pee through."


noun. That's you, sugarpants! Yes it is!

Related terms: schmoopiehead, schmoopiepants, schmoopiecakes.

Real citation: "Aww, still moody, schmoopieface?"
(Connie, Sept. 17, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Who's the schmoopieface now, motherfucker? WHO'S THE SCHMOOPIEFACE NOW?"

Friday, December 09, 2005


noun. Batshit, man. Batshit.

Related terms: ample assedness, assedness, bad-assedness, bare-assedness, big-assedness, brew-assedness, broke-assedness, busted-assedness, candied-assedness, candy-assedness, cheap-assedness, cold-assedness, crack-assedness, crazy-assedness, cute naked assedness, Disney-kiss-my-assedness, draggy-assedness, drool-assedness, droopy-assedness, dumbassedness, fancy assedness, fat-assedness, fatty-assedness, financial-kick-assedness, flat-assedness, foot-up-assedness, freaky-assedness, geek-assedness, general-wise-assedness, half-assedness, hard-assedness, haul-assedness, head-in-the-assedness, head-up-assedness, head-up-their-assedness, horse-assedness, iron-rod-up-one's-assedness, jackassedness, kick-assedness, King of the World-assedness, lame-assedness, lard-assedness, lazy assedness, long-assedness, masculine-assedness, mean-assedness, nasty assedness, near-brush-with-great-assedness, no-assedness, non-fat assedness, pain-in-the-assedness, pansy-assedness, pissy-assedness, pompous assedness, pretentious assedness, punk-assedness, red-assedness, slack-assedness, slap-assedness, smart-assedness, sorry-assedness, stick-up-their-assedness, stubborn-assedness, stupid assedness, suck-assedness, super-bad-assedness, superhalf-assedness, tight-assedness, ugly-assedness, up-my-assedness, weak-assedness, weird-assedness, whiny-assedness, whoop-assedness, wise-assedness.

Real citation: "NOTE: I recommend this reaction for use in various NPCs, including those who may have a good deal of training, to simulate the crazed-assedness of a gun fight and the low hit ratio statistics of incidents studied in The Real World."

Made-up citation: "Crazed-assedness is a wonderful quality in music and movies, less so in non-movie mothers and mobsters."

suitcase pimpette

noun. A female hanger-on, manager, and/or sex poodle of a male porn star or other young professional.

Real citation: "Everyone I spoke to knew of at least a handful of women who perform the role for other female performers. However, no one knew of a suitcase pimpette for a guy."
(Tristan Taormino, "Pimpin' Ain't Easy," "Aug. 22, 2005,,taormino,67070,24.html)

Made-up citation: "With a suitcase pimpette and a better resume, you too can climb the corporate ladder like a monkey up a banana tree."

Thursday, December 08, 2005


noun. A delightful penguin-like non-strut, often foreshadowing a future full of equally delightful don't-drop-the-soap scenarios.

Real citation: "Cheney's Perp-Waddle"
(Oct. 25, 2005, Wonkette,

Made-up citation: "Chuck Berry is a master of the duck walk and the penguiny perp-waddle, though a body search reveals few feathers."


adj. Lacking prominent protuberances of any kind.

Real citation: "Any New Non-sticky-outy Wifi Cards Out There?"

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'Aye, verily, there's a big difference between non-sticky and non-sticky-outy.'"

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

hot dog with teeth

noun. A naked mole-rat, baby. It doesn't get any better than that.

Real citation: "Twenty-five percent of their musculature is in their jaws. Their powerful incisors extend outside their lips. Some people think they look like hot dogs with teeth!"
("Frequently Asked Questions about Naked Mole-Rats,"

Made-up citation: "If a dickhead had his tallywhacker bitten off by a hot dog with teeth, that would be a real cock-up."


interjection. A schmucky and not entirely un-chickeny exclamation.

Real citation: "schmuckadoodledoo...I'd say schkrew him and the horse he rode in on... except he doesn't own anything that you didn't give him... so it would have to be *your* horse. Do you have a horse?"
(lapietra, July 17, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Which President do you think of when I whisper 'schmuckadoodledoo' into your shapely ear during AP History class?"

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


adj. Not very fresh and clean and inhabitable and minty.

Real citation: "There is no other way to put it. Ralph Baker, street photographer, is simply not your average kind of guy. He lives in what he calls his "spaceship," a green-housed, alternative, post-apocalypticish living space wedged snugly between two Williamsburg residential/commercial buildings."
(Raphie Frank, "Ralph Baker, (refusing to be) Blind Photographer," Sept. 10, 2005,

Made-up citation: "Parsons are perturbed when parishioners take post-apocalypticish poops in the private potty? Pish-posh!"


noun. An adorable little villain still learning the details of mustache-twirling and mayhem-causing.

Real citation: "Still reserving judgment on Peyton as a baddie, she hasn't really impressed me yet. I guess she can be a baddie-in-training to match up with Rachel's agent-in-training."
(mad maverick, "5-7: "Fait Accompli" 2005.11.17," Nov. 19, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "You've got to start baddies-in-training young--teach 'em that a lot can be accomplished with a loaded diaper and an evil heart."

Monday, December 05, 2005


noun. A small yet tasteful clusterfuck.

Real citation: "First on the docket, a mini-clustereff with Frank Robinson."
(Chris Needham, "Armas' Arm," Feb. 16, 2005,

Made-up citation: "Though a mini-clustereff is pretty fucked up, it is also diminutive and cute, like a leprechaun or Shih Tzu."


adj. Fantastically hack-like in all the myriad ways of hackery, as God intended.

Real citation: "When a powerful hack commissions hackwork from a piddling hack, the results are hacktastic."
(James Wolcott, "Kill PBS? Over My Dead Volvo!" Vanity Fair, Dec. 2005)

Made-up citation: "There's a fine line between craptastic and hacktastic, though a naked mole rat and a goliath bird-eating spider can be distinguished even by a layperson."

Friday, December 02, 2005


noun. My apathy is really fucking something.

Related terms: non-caredness, no-caredness, taken-caredness, devil-may-caredness, I-don't-caredness, why-do-I-caredness.

Real citation: "His name was Shawn. But he also had a nickname, which I don't remember at this time but let's go with "Hank" for the sake of who-the-fuck-cares-edness. He said he thinks he has a split personality. I said, "A split personality?? Fabulous!" because that's what I do in these situations. I mock them, but they're so delusional that they don't even realize that I'm making fun of them."
(Dawn, Sept. 4, 2005, Tiny Voices in My Head,

Made-up citation: "What you call 'who-the-fuck-cares-edness,' I call Zen. Now piss off; it's naptime, bucko."


noun. Folks like Commander Cuckoo-Bananas frequently engage in nutburgery, because they are mentally wacky.

Real citation: "This is a proven strategy in the area of ufology. People DO see UFOs. The government doesn't want people blabbering on about what might be the newest toy in the black budget arsenal. Therefore they find one easy case which can be debunked and whose observers can be exposed as nuts or frauds. That way, any other legitimate observations by competent people can likewise be dismissed as just more tinfoil nutburgery."
(Wm Bach, Aug. 1, 2002,

Made-up citation: "The nutburgery quotient of this Presidency will be hard to top. Then again, I never thought we'd learn that monkeys talk like Pepe le Pew, so I wouldn't rule anything out."

Thursday, December 01, 2005


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adj. I believe the technical term is "Me-fucking-ow!"

Real citation: “I've always been very conscientious to separate my hospital life from my real life. My time in the hospital is a lot like that lady in the Las Vegas commercial -- the one where she's all dominatrix-sex-kitten-y in the limo, only to be all business when she gets out. "What happens here, stays here." Except that it's kind of in reverse for me and the hospital, and also, I'm not so into S&M. So maybe this was a bad metaphor. Let's just move on.”
(“get out of my clinic, and into my subway car,” Sept. 7, 2004, push fluids,

Made-up citation: "A dominatrix-sex-kitten-y doofus is not in demand in Denmark--Democrats demand a discount!"

Wednesday, November 30, 2005


adj. Take a non-toxic douchebag assface. Subtract a toxic doucheface. Rinse.

Related terms: assbag, assbaggy, assbaggish, assbaggery.

Real citation: "tiered? how much for the non-assbag usenet service?"
(pale blue.

Made-up citation: "It's only been three weeks, but I think Chicago is the most non-assbaggy place I've ever lived."


noun. We're probably not talking about a bootyliciously firm heinie here--more like a goddamn clenchbutted state of affairs.

Related terms: suck-buttitude, kick-buttitude, needle-buttitude.

Real citation: "The only whites exempt from tight-buttitude are two kids (kids are hip by default in such stories, and are by nature more wise than their benighted parents) and a curious mutant creature played by Eugene Levy -- a middle-class laywer so up on the very latest urban lingo that each of his utterances seems like a tape recorded reading of a hip-hop lexicon."
("ugh...," March 18, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Christ's faithful freely assume this manner of life in institutes of consecrated life which are canonically established by the competent ecclesiastical authority. By vows or by other sacred bonds, in accordance with the laws of their own institutes, they profess the evangelical counsels of chastity, poverty and tight-buttitude. Because of the charity to which these counsels lead, they are linked in a special way to the Church and its intestinal tract."

Tuesday, November 29, 2005


noun. If Christ had crucified in a microwave...

Real citation: "Todd was sentenced to eight years in prison, but in a soapy act of insta-redemption, was pardoned for his crimes when he saved Marty, Jessica and C.]. Roberts from a car crash."

Made-up citation: "Just as Easy Cheese only partly resembles cheese, insta-redemption may not be chock full o' redeeming goodness."


noun. A barbaric woman, with or without a chain-metal brassiere by Victoria's Cavewomanly Secret.

Related terms: barbarianess.

Real citation: "WORST: How can I leave out DC's Starfire, the s-f barbarianette with the Ur-80s outfit: not just one sleeve missing from her body-suit, but the opposite leg, too!"
(prince hal, March 13, 2005,

Made-up citation: "Fie, fie upon thee, barbarianette!"

Monday, November 28, 2005


noun. Mmm...medical waste. It's so good to taste.

Real citation: "Doctorcest lives on."
(this is it, "2-9: "Thanks For The Memories" 2005.11.20," Nov. 20, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "ESL students should note that when two proctologists make the beast with two assholes, the proper term is 'ass-doctorcest.'"


noun. When Bennifer, Brangelina, TomKat, and Vaughinston can't be found, get thy camera-wielding ass in front of a panda pronto.

Real citation: "A confession: Our distaste at the pandarazzi popping flash pics of Butterstick was momentarily outweighed by the desperate need to document his mind-melting adorability."
("Butterstick Live," Nov. 21, 2005, Wonkette,

Made-up citation: "Every time a panda eats a member of the pandarazzi, an angel earns the right to sodomize a koala."

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


noun. Look deep into something that is not the shit, and this ye shall find.

Real citation: "Eh, your art is kind good, where'd you learn?: Self taught. Reasons for all the weird shit-tastic-ness."

Made-up citation: "I despise shit-tastic-ness, though I have a certain weakness for crud."


adj. Not cuddly. Not recommended by doctors.

Real citation: "That's only a facade against her real hellbeastish nature."
(KnightKain, May 1, 2005,

Made-up citation: "Hamsters are rarely hellbeastish."

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

learning juice

noun. Beer.

Real citation: "Expand my brain, learning juice!"
(Homer Simpson, "See Homer Run," The Simpsons, Nov. 20, 2005)

Made-up citation: "Grad school without learning juice would be like a monkey without a banana--very problematic and pedagogically unsound."


adj. Bring your own crack, mothertrucker.

Real citation: "its a BYOC party (bring your own crack)...I will supply stolen natural light from firefighter dave's personal collection."
(urt, Nov. 27, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Indiana Jones said, 'Don't bring a knife to a gunfight,' much like my mom, who said, 'Don't bring a potentially lethal speedball cocktail to a BYOC party.'"

Monday, November 21, 2005


adj. Me and Batman get described this way all the time.

Real citation: "Oh, God, he thought, please tell me I didn’t just think that! Helping the helpless? I’m turning into my sodding grandad - next thing you know, I’ll be poncing around all Dark Avenger-y. I need another plan."
(Aurelio Zen, "Vita Nova,"

Made-up citation: "Just because I maim criminals, wear black, rescue damsels, and brood like a banshee doesn't mean I'm a dark-avenger-y dude. On the inside, I'm a little sorority girl."

metric booty-load

noun. This is like, a lot, man.

Related terms: metric buttload, metric assload, metric arseload, metric heinie-load, metric poop-load, metric poo-load, metric shitload, metric crapload, metric fuckload, metric boatload, metric truckload, metric smurfload, metric cuntload, metric dickload, metric cockload, metric pantload, metric pantsload, metric jesus-load.

Real citation: "I know that X11 is a protocol, defining an abstraction of a user interface, "mechanism, not policy", so that there a metric booty-load of libraries wrap it and expose it to various other technologies."
(Anonymous Coward, March 17, 2004,

Made-up citation: "John Cage said, 'Do nothing for one reason only.' I say a metric booty-load of reasons is even better."

Friday, November 18, 2005


adj. Easy on the fugliness, heavy on the blubber, and waddy as all get out.

Real citation: "Nor, even, was the uptick the result of Holly Marie Combs's efforts, which waned as Combs the actress took a backseat to Combs the mother of an actual, honest-to-God non-dead-eyed non-bemulleted non-fugly-blubber-wad infant of her own."
(Demian, "TWoP Staff Round-Up," page 6, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "I'm a non-schmuckish, non-gigantamundo, non-penis-centric, non-lame-oid, non-surgical-glove-clad, non-fugly-blubber-wad guidance counselor. I love sushi, a sense of humor, puggles, money, Rocky IV, and smoking crack till I oscillate like a broken grandfather clock."


adj. 1. Full of many fine citizens who are sexually-stimmed by balloons. 2. Full of garden-variety, batshit-nutty wackjobs of no particular fetish or faith.

Real citation:
Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including, if applicable, how they were obtained).
One fabulous outfit
One looner-laden balloon fetish event
Balloons (provided at the event), including one giant green balloon (also provided at the event)
(Rev. Jen Miller, "I Did It for Science," Nerve,

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'a looner-laden workplace is preferable to a leprechaun-laden men's room.'"

Thursday, November 17, 2005


adj. Mega-schnockered; mega-lubricated; mega-marinated; mega-blotto; mega-woo-hoo!

Real citation: "Its eiother that or get mega fuckered on Booze"

Made-up citation: "In my small start-up religion, we teach morals and standards. We also believe the world was designed and manufactured by a mega-fuckered monkey with a migraine, which explains a lot."


noun. Junior's having another lead paint sundae.

Real citation: "I think I'll put it next to my Proust volumes that taunt me with their unreadness and neglectitude. peace out..."
(yerger224, January 29, 2004,;f=1;t=000372)

Made-up citation: "Neglectitude is a form of abuse you won't find in the dictionary--though it's quite plentiful in Uncle Ricky's basement."

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


noun. A little assy, a little tard-like, and a big bucket of stupid.

Real citation: "With 10.3.3, pretty much all that's needed is updates for new hardware, and general bugfixes to correct some of the asstardishness other users have brought up."
(solios, May 19, 2005,

Made-up citation: "Howard Gardner has identified eight different intelligences, but big whup. I've noticed 74 different types of asstardishness in my family alone."


noun. Do I have to draw you a diagram?

Real citation: "We happen to enjoy Nocera's work, and we understand that, if you're going to be the lead columnist for the business section of a major American newspaper, a certain amount of Bentonville ball-lickery is part of the package, but, you know, that might be the kind of thing you check before you put yourself out like that. Just sayin'."
("D Section," Nov. 8, 2005, The Minor Fall, The Major Lift,

Made-up citation: "Without ball-lickery and ass-kissage, my political career would have been more solitary and sanitary."

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

collective clitoris

noun. The MILF of all sweet spots.

Related terms: collective vagina, collective ass, collective groin, collective testicles, collective penis, collective penis envy.

Real citation: "Then we're introduced to Ben Affleck and his glittering female appendage. I couldn't help but think of Matt Damon in his latest vehicle to fame, rolling in the sheets with his requisite gurl/prop, showing the world what a hunk he is. It occurred to me that these two would-be action heroes are battling for the collective clitoris of America. Yuck."
(David Wilson McLeish, "film review: Sum of All Fears sucks worse than feared,"

Made-up citation: "I think it's safe to say Sarah Silverman has her mouth on the collective clitoris this week."


noun. A Martian motherfucker with an analicious foreign policy.

Real citation: "First of all motherfucker you will not call me names...Shitstain, backwash, cunthair, felchblossom, fucktard, assbandit, dicklicker, ballhog, child rapist, fuckstain, craproll, moron, retard, mongoloid, cripple, palsypussy, splitcock, scatwipe, anal vapor, motherprober, rectal spelunker, dicknipple, pedophile, uphill gardener, leakycolon, incontinence diaper, tamponmouth, Cowper's mower, anusflosser, lactoid, cunt, dumbfuck, idiot, lardo, four-eyes, creepy, stupid dummy dumb pants, ass-sauce."
(K. Thor Jensen, Portal of Evil,

Made-up citation: "'Better a motherprober than a ratprober,' as Mom used to say."

Monday, November 14, 2005

roll up one's campsite

idiom. Shrivelage, shrinkage, and all-around retreat of the phallic structure upon which all civilization is erected. Ouch.

Real citation: "I gotta tell you, that rolled up my campsite."
(Stephen Colbert, Nov. 3, 2005, The Colbert Report)

Made-up citation: "Oozing cysts are ishy. I have to say they roll up my campsite, especially when they ooze on my crotch or buckwheat pancakes."

smooth move, Shrub-lax

idiom. You have done another fine job, Mr. President!

Related terms: smooth move, space-lax; smooth move, TGU-lax; smooth move, hex-lax.

Real citation: "smooth move shrub-lax"
(dshepard, Dec. 3, 2003,

Made-up citation: "I doubt Dick Cheney has the time for niceties like 'smooth move, Shrub-lax' when dealing with his hench-executive. He's more of a 'smooth move, fuck-lax' kind of supervillain."

Friday, November 11, 2005


adj. Easy on the ol' corpus callosum.

Real citation: "Thanks Brian! :) Incidentally, you won. "hello world".println() has bit the dust. We're now the non-brain-hurty version of println("hello world"). I'm sure further down the line if we twist bob's arm he might figure out how to make parentheses optional so that: println "hello world" will be possible to make it a little less noisy."
(James Strachan, Oct. 30, 2003,

Made-up citation: "After a mere four beers, I am capable of performing only the most non-brain-hurty activities, like skipping and drooling. And more drinking."


noun. Not curable by mouthwash. May be alleviated by lobotomy or hockey stick.

Real citation: "He said “good morning” to me in that incredibly annoying whinny wishy-washy voice of his when I entered – GOODJOB DOOFUSBREATH! IT IS 20:00, and I’m saying that instead of 8:00 PM, because the latter is too COMPLICATED for your TINY BRAIN to GRASP!"
(July 21, 2005,

Made-up citation: "After painfully slogging through grad school, I have earned the esteemed title of 'Dr. Doofusbreath.'"

Thursday, November 10, 2005

organic breeding vat

noun. A woman--according to certain judges and deities.

Real citation: "Sorry gals, you're just organic breeding vats, wholly owned by Husband, Inc. You are commanded to get over it. And fetch me some coffee."
(NTodd, "Axlotl Tanks," Oct. 31, 2005,

Made-up citation: "Someday, my little girl is going to be the first organic breeding vat to kick in the NFL. If we're blessed!"

nature's cockblock

noun. They are sometimes known as rugrats, miniature adults, elves, gnomes, spawn, or house apes.

Real citation: "When they were in bed together, I couldn't even look at the screen. I was like 'no sex'. But then the boy came in. Thank God. Ahhh...children - nature's cockblock."
(MysticRose, "Nip/Tuck," Nov. 10, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "If it weren't for nature's cockblock, there would be even more of nature's cockblock. And the world would not be peopled. Or would it?"

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


noun. Holy grilled dick cheese, Batman!

Real citation: "First reports had the smegmatude at 8.2"

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'A palooka with a bazooka and a dude with smegmatude were found dead in a shed.' Or was that by Emily Dickinson?"


adj. Hot; sponge-worthy; boink-worthy; fuckable; tie-to-the-bedable; conjugalicious.

Real citation: "My poor keelhauled heart is a tattered vessel now. He used to crack wise about her thick ankles, smiling like a leopard. But watching his eyes poodle after her Manolo Blahniks on that Milan runway, I knew he still found her only too mattressable."
(Rob McClure Smith, "Masonry,"

Made-up citation: "I don't feel very mattressable these days, but I'm still park-benchable, ladies!"

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


adj. This word aptly describes conduct unbecoming a decent, upstanding, non-douchebaggy person.

Real citation: "Hahah, that's actually pretty funny and shows pretty well that we're all overreacting about this. Lizard is being his usual douchebagtastic self, so it shouldn't be surprising that plagiarism is another offence added to his reportoire. Oh well, nobody will care about in a week anyway."
(MrNoogies, Nov. 12, 2004,

Made-up citation: "'Douchebagtastic Duck' would not be a popular ice cream flavor or Chinese entree, though it would be a fine handle for a villainous person of poultry."


noun. I think I read about this in the Bible.

Related terms: boinkage, mindboink, clusterboink, nanny-boinking, motherboinker.

Real citation: "They tend more towards humanish types being boinked, though they do toss in the occasional demon or elf for boinkery."
(Dave Winger, Aug. 24, 2002,

Made-up citation: "In spring, a young dude's thoughts turn to boinkery. In a dumpster, a young rat's thoughts turn to 'yippee!'"

Monday, November 07, 2005

brown one's Cheese Doodles

idiom. Annoyance has arrived. In my brain. WHICH I'M ABOUT TO CHEW OFF.

Related terms: grate one's cheese, burn one's toast, burn one's waffles.

Real citation: "Yes, we armchair critics resent being impugned, it browns our Cheese Doodles getting backhanded like that--especially by the editorial el supremo who allows one of his reporters to kinda sorta "drift" back on her own into the national security realm and, by not reining in that drift, forces the New York Times to defend her indefensible behavior and suffer millions of dollars in legal fees compounded by an incalculable loss of trust."
(James Wolcott, Oct. 16, 2005, "Flame On, Flame Off, "

Made-up citation: "Things that brown my Cheese Doodles something fierce: organized religion, free-form religion, exploding toilets."


noun. Blah blah nada-cakes.

Real citation: "Why the fuck am I so scared of what's going to happen in the future, too? What can I do about it? That's right, diddly-doodly-fucking-squat. I've managed to deal with so many things in my mind that have dragged me down in the past, but I'm still clinging to this whole..image, of everything."
(Jan. 19, 2005,

Made-up citation: "On a scale of diddly-doodly-fucking-squat to ten, how awesome is my mathematical prowess?"

Friday, November 04, 2005


noun. The throbbing essence of manhooditude, including assorted testicular stuff and nonsense.

Real citation: "i'm secure enough in my manhoodiness to acknowledge someone elses good looks."
(5chw4r7z, Sept. 23, 2004, Land of Bob,

Made-up citation: "Don't question my manhoodiness. I have the strength of ten leprechauns."


noun. A henchperson who may be in it only for the money. And the hot monkey sex.

Related terms: henchdork, henchslut, henchgoon, henchvamp, henchdog, henchrat, henchscum, henchidiot, henchbabe, henchmidget, henchmoron, henchminion.

Real citation: "I agree about the anti-$cieno slant, and it is just fine with me. It also seems like a lot of those 4400 Center people like to wear black pants and jackets/coats with baby blue shirts. Collier and his henchho both had that outfit on at the opening of the center (most noticeable when she's passing books to him to sign), and then Shawn wore it for just about the rest of the episode."
(quirkychick, "The 4400: Is This Because I'm A Scientologist?," June 5, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "For my new apartment, I need a bed, a desk, some curtains, a few henchhos, and a smoothie-maker."


adj. Good country people? Not so much.

Real citation: "One of the only non-human-esque movement-limitations is that you cannot raise his legs higher than a sitting position (so Spidey cannot hug his knees up to his chin). Other than that, the range of movement is really amazing."
(March 19, 2004,

Made-up citation: "'Non-human-esque doesn't have to mean non-romantic,' said the Danish citizen to the cheese danish."

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


adj. Fantastically chock full o' cronies, like a certain administration I've read about somewhere.

Related terms: cronylicious.

Real citation: "Speaking of the City Paper and getting pissed on, a few days ago, I suggested that the new stadium for the Nationals be called "The Plantation." I am one prescient motherfucker. The City Paper has documented the plans for the new arena and my god the place is going to be one cronytastic megalopolis."
(TheDCeiver, "DCeptette: City drenched in scat version," Oct. 12, 2005,

Made-up citation: "If I had power--absolute, omnipotent, soul-crushing power--I'd be as cronytastic as they come. I'd rather hire a braindead candy-bar thief I know than a Mother Theresa type with a 200 I.Q. and a resume that goes all the way down to the floor that I don't."


noun. Who's my little schmoopiepants? You're my little schmoopiepants! Yes, yes you are!

Related terms: sugarpants, sweetpants, candypants, honeypants.

Real citation: "lovey dovey schmoopiepants"
(spacekitty, Match 11, 2004,

Made-up citation: "'Schmoopiepants' is an excellent name for a purebred poodle, a cuddle monkey, or a Vice President's chief of staff."


noun. That's a lot of zeroes, man.

Related terms: bazillion, gazillion, flazillion, quatrillion, katrillion, bagillion, bajillion, kajillion, mazillion, zazillion, fafillion, kazillion, fuckillion, frigillion, shizillion, shazillion, crapillion.

Real citation: "Everything Spielberg looks at sideways and backways makes a buttillion dollars anymore (yes, that's a lot of dollars)."
(March 6, 2002,

Made-up citation: "Generally speaking, an assman has a buttillion reasons to love the heinies of the bootylicious."

Thursday, October 27, 2005

grain alcohol goggles

noun. When beer goggles just aren't enough.

Related terms: vodka goggles, wine goggles, rum and Coke goggles, Long Island Iced Tea goggles, weed goggles, heroin goggles, crack goggles.

Real citation: "Based on my years of research, consisting of viewing every episode of HBO's "Real Sex", and observing the type of people who generally attend swinger's events and sex parties, I'd say the key ingredient for success is grain alcohol. Yes, grain alcohol goggles are a must."
(Tree of Woe, Oct. 3, 2002,

Made-up citation: "When rose-colored glasses are combined with grain alcohol goggles, hide the kids and pet bunny!"


noun. This is sad, people. And important. And that's why I'm SHARING TRAGIC HORRIFYING FEELINGS ALL OVER YOUR BRAIN.

Real citation: "The following users are interested in overwroughtitude."

Made-up citation: "I avoid overwroughtitude, which isn't very manly. Plus, it doesn't go with my hair gel."


adj. Done by a doofus, or with a doofus, or to a doofus, or in the name of a doofus, or in lieu of a doofus, or just with a doofus-like flair.

Real citation: "OK, now you are just being wilfully doofusistic."
(Gzuckier, March 18, 2005,

Made-up citation: "According to the cosmic tea leaves, Aries, a sadistic sailor and a doofusistic doctor will appear Monday morning in the basement of a loved one."

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


adj. Two to twenty thumbs down, way down, so far down, maybe down below the sewer, the rings of hell, and Australia.

Related terms: spec-fucking-tacular, crap-fucking-tacular, rock-fucking-tacular, thrash-fucking-tacular, fab-fucking-tacular, fan-fucking-tacular, awesome-fucking-tacular, shit-fucking-tacular, bomb-fucking-tacular, crack-fucking-tacular.

Real citation: "so then i came back and was hit with the reality that i have a week's worth of school to make up. suck fucking tacular. yea. so i've been spending the last week frantically trying to finish all my work. and the fact that i'm all distracted by holiday-nearness doesn't help. yeah."
(Laura, Dec. 19, 2003,

Made-up citation: "So, do you feel on a scale of groovy to suck-fucking-tacular?"


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Tuesday, October 25, 2005


adj. Steadfast, true, and clean as a whistle-blower.

Real citation: "While we were imagining that behind the fortress-like doors of the massive building on McCarty Avenue in Albany all manner of X-Files type excitement was going on, it turns out that nothing of the sort happens there. Rather, according to law enforcement coordinator and acting media relations coordinator Lisa Massaroni, the FBI’s Albany office performs your standard, run-of-the-mill federal-agenty tasks."
(Travis Durfee, Erik Hage, Stephen Leon, Kate Sipher and Erin Sullivan, "Questions That Bother Us So," Online Metroland,

Made-up citation: "I love you, baby. You make me feel like a ferocious, fetching, federal-agenty, feral fireman."


adj. Almost but not quite like the purifying and minty waters of cleansing and rebirth that wash away stuff, according to the Bible or something.

Real citation: "When he gives Jack the water it seemed very baptism-ish, too."
(Snarkella, "2-1: "Man of Science, Man of Faith" 2005.09.21," Sept. 21, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Golden showers can rarely be characterized as truly baptism-ish...unless the showerer were a bishop and the showeree were a heathen."

Monday, October 24, 2005

holy mothersmurfing smurf

exclamation. A smurfed-up alternative to "Sweet merciful monkey balls!"

Real citation: "Holy mother smurfing smurf, you did not jus smurfing say that."
(Kazan, March 5, 2004,

Made-up citation: "When I found my new apartment--two blocks from the park and two inches from two sushi restaurants--I giggled and whispered, 'Holy mothersmurfing smurf!'"

meh on a stick

exclamation. A stickload or shitload of blah, bleah, meh, whatever.

Real citation: "Yes. Teenage boys DO suck. Meh, I say...meh on a stick!"

Made-up citation: "I love the NBA playoffs with the fire of a thousand burning nuns, but the regular season? Total meh on a stick."

Friday, October 21, 2005


adj. Kinda small.

Related terms: uber-gigantamundo, gigantamondo, gigantanormous.

Real citation: "However, the money lost from that terrible project would've effected the studio's other projects. While previewing would help wipe out the lower-echelons of movie crapitude, it would also likely wipe out or provide a near-fatal blow to the merely mediocre flicks, while only the big greats would be the only ones to continue raking in large amounts at the box-office. I think this would pretty much kill major cineplexes, meaning to see non-gigantamundo blockbusters, you'd have to travel 100 miles to the nearby small town with the crazy eccentric who keeps an old independent film house afloat."
(Elured, June 10, 2003,

Made-up citation: "The President's I.Q. is squarely in the non-gigantamundo range, though sources say he is hung like a rabid polar bear."


noun. A keen, canine-detecting sense.

Related terms: gaydar, straightdar, bi-dar, hickdar, loserdar, boob-dar, penis-dar, big dick-dar, hair-dar, porn-dar, sex-dar, food-dar, sleep-dar, money-dar, ho-dar, slut-dar, babe-dar, virgin-dar, hottie-dar, weirdo-dar, jerk-dar, moron-dar, dorkdar, skankdar, freak-dar, ass-dar, zombie-dar, Pretentious Club-going New York Assholedar, "someone is staring at my ass"-dar, “Jesus Freak” dar, jailbait-dar, fake-boob-dar, catdar, ratdar.

Real citation: "Last night, while walking through the historic district, I saw a man exit a building with two enormous Great Danes on leashes. They were a soft charcoal color and one was relatively tall and thick, while the other was smaller and thinner. My dogdar went off and I immediately picked up my pace in order to catch up with them because if there's one thing I love to do while walking, it's stopping to roll around with any given canine; the droolier the better."
(Erin Dailey, "They're DOGS, not BEEMERS," Oct. 20, 2005, The Redhead Papers,

Made-up citation: "I hope my dogdar is solid and true, because my biological clock is ticking like a movie bomb clock for a dog."

Thursday, October 20, 2005


noun. Breastaciousness beyond belief, like a mega-mammary meltdown.

Real citation: "JT--wow, I don't think I'm quite at AH!'s level of boob-tastic-osity, but thanks a lot!"
(The Cure, Feb. 24, 2005,

Made-up citation: "In my house, I was taught to admire tenacity, efficiency, and boob-tastic-osity."


adj. This can be loosely translated as crack-infused, crack-propelled, crack-happy, or cracktacular.

Real citation: "She makes it crackadocious with her bizarro behavior."
(potzrebie, "Being Bobby Brown," July 25, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Crackadociousness is a nice quality in music and TV shows, not so much in neighborhoods and parental units."

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


adj. A wee bit unhappy--or a wee bit soaked with wee-wee.

Real citation: "anyway, im hungry, and i've written way too much again lol...cheers mate. maybe you'll feel better about the taka if you get copiusly drunk with some mates this friday of my best mates is mega mega uber pissed off at me so thats what im doin this weekend. i'll tell you how it goes lol."
(Snoogins, May 11, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Things that make me mega-mega-uber-pissed: politicians and pea soup."


adj. Lacking all Xena-ish qualities.

Real citation: "You know, this is very un-Warrior-Princess-like of you," the Bard said with a smile. "You hate to run away. Usually, you cook up some hare-brained scheme that's both creative and improbably successful."
(Talos the LargeBaldMan, "Something's Wicked, This Way Run,"

Made-up citation: "Sources say Harriet Miers is somewhat un-Warrior-Princess-like, which just makes me love her all the more."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005


noun. Wacky mental derangement of the batshit variety.

Related terms: cornballitude, goofballitude.

Real citation: "Also, I tend to think maybe Jonathan has a point when he says, "Grrrrrrrr!" before explaining that Hammaker's downfall was due to injuries, not the '83 All-Star Game and general nutballitude or something."
(Gregg Pearlman, "Is It Baseball Yet? Part 3," Feb. 15, 1998,

Made-up citation: "On the nutballitude scale, how would you rank a Scientologist, an Evangelical Christian, and a shithouse rat?"


noun. Sis-to-sis ew, or bro-to-bro gah, or sis-to-bro gak.

Related terms: cousincest, dormcest, housecest, dogcest, horsecest.

Real citation: "And the fanficcer suddenly decides 'Married With Children' siblingcest fanfiction is the REAL DEAL, walking away from the story, ignoring the clamoring cries of those left behind that run along the lines of, 'Now what!!??'"
(Mad-Hamley, Oct. 13, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Does anyone have a copy of the siblingcest episode of Family Ties?"

Monday, October 17, 2005


noun. A henchperson who scores higher on the scale than the SAT.

Related terms: henchdork, henchslut, henchgoon, henchvamp, henchdog, henchrat, henchscum, henchidiot, henchbabe, henchmidget, henchho.

Real citation: "His taloned hands curved into fists as he saw the Guardian flicker away, allowing Billy entrance into the caves. "Very well," he grunted. "Let Billy have his quest, let them all have it. .. it won't do any good when we destroy the Aquitian Rangers with Hydro Hog, and Rito and Goldar blow up the Command Center!" he laughed harshly; for once her idiot brother and his stupid henchmoron were doing something right!"
(Cynthia, "The Starlight Crystal,"

Made-up citation: "As Nietzsche said, 'In a man devoted to knowledge, pity seems almost ridiculous, like delicate hands on a henchmoron.'"


This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Friday, October 14, 2005


noun. For enemies of the indictee, this just might be the most fun that can be had while wearing pants.

Real citation: "Hmmmm just as we are waiting for the other shoe to drop in the Karl Rove indictment-speculation-a-thon."
("BREAKING: Rayburn Evacuated... CONVENIENTLY," Oct. 7, 2005, Wonkette,

Made-up citation: "You always remember your first indictment-speculation-a-thon, much like your first gerbil in the caboose."


noun. A prayerful, orgasmic...uh, event?

Related terms: spasmgasm, ectoplasmgasm, geekgasm, assgasm, footgasm.

Real citation: "I have to say, after finally seeing Passion..., it comes in a distant 2nd to Jesus Christ Superstar as far as entertainment value goes. And hearing that many Christians had severe issues with the story accuracy in JCS, I found it rather amusing that its story contains no wrinkles that aren't in PotC, which the right had a collective prayergasm over."
(Chavez, May 23, 3005,

Made-up citation: "Despite Jodie's fervent prayergasm of violence, the bane/doofus of her existence was still breathing."

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


noun. Elmer Fudd's best friend in the war on terrorism. Or wabbits.

Real citation: "There may be greater moments of pleasure at the movies this year than watching, in "Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit," a spiral of bunnies swirling around in the transparent canister of an ultra-humane bunny-rabbit-sucker-upper known as the Bun-Vac 6000. But I have yet to encounter them."
(Stephanie Zacharek, "Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit," Oct. 5, 2005, Salon,

Made-up citation: "With a bunny-rabbit-sucker-upper, I'd be a varmint-swilling motherfucker."


adj. The puffy-lipped look that makes all the kids go "ooh-la-la" or "gaaaaaaaak."

Real citation: "Face texture and geometry needs a lot of work. That bottom lip is a little collagen-licious, and the eyes are a little too high on the head."
(Adam Atomic, March 28, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Every time a man, woman, or beast becomes collagen-licious, an angel gets its lips ripped off by God."


adj. Happy as a schoolgirl on crack?

Real citation: "True, this post violates our no-paysite posting rule, and you’ll notice that their code is a little buggy, but it’s the first time I’ve seen a fetish site so sexily fun-loving that it makes me want to step out of my bunny slippers and into a cheesecake just to see if it’ll make me straightjacket-happy, too."
("Serafina's Socks," Sept. 30. 2005, Fleshbot,

Made-up citation: "Things that make me straightjacket-happy: Peking duck, the first two seasons of Alias, iced coffee with too much sugar, corporate bookstores with lots of furniture, and the Sumatran rat monkey."

Monday, October 10, 2005


adj. A word that runs--in terror--in my family.

Real citation: "Smell is very grain-alcohol-y, chemical, and fairly tame. Very similar to most domestic macros."
(yemenmocha, June 10, 2005,

Made-up citation: "I'm looking for a gorgeous, generous, grain-alcohol-y girl who likes church and the Cubs."


noun. Bill Clinton.

Related terms: anus lickee, avengee, ball lickee, beatee, beatifee, besmirchee, betrayee, bitee, blow jobee, bombee, brainsuckee, burnee, car-jackee, clobberee, cock and ball torturee, complimentee, consumee, counselee, cradle-robee, crapee, crushee, decapitatee, disectee, disparagee, downsizee, droolee, excommunicatee, exorcisee, felatee, filmee, fist fuckee, floodee, Frenchee, gawkee, giftee, golden showeree, gropee, gougee, headee, impeachee, killee, kissee, lecturee, lickee, likee, litigatee, lustee, manslaughteree, massagee, mindfuckee, Mr. Horse Fuckee, moldee, molestee, moochee, motivatee, mugee, murderee, nursee, obsessee, oglee, pervee, pervertee, piercee, pimpee, pissee, poopee, predatee, promotee, purse-snatchee, regiftee, reprimandee, scoldee, shagee, shitee, shrinkee, skullfuckee, slashee, slaughteree, slobberee, smoochee, smotheree, sniffee, snitchee, spankee, stabee, stalkee, staree, theftee, toe-suckee, undressee, whackee, wooee, yoinkee.

Real citation: "Bumped, bookmarked and will be printed for the Clintonistas at work who fawn over the ex felatee in chief as the "Worlds President". With all that s##t going on, when did he find time to do anything Presidential?"
(cardinal4, May 28, 2003,

Made-up citation: "At the Ex-Felatee-in-Chief Presidential Library in Little Rock, I got my knob slobbed in the bathroom, which felt fitting, patriotic, and impeachablicious."

Friday, October 07, 2005

metric jesus-load

noun. Jesus Christ, that's a lot!

Related terms: metric buttload, metric assload, metric arseload, metric heinie-load, metric bootyload, metric poop-load, metric poo-load, metric shitload, metric crapload, metric fuckload, metric boatload, metric truckload, metric smurfload, metric cuntload, metric dickload, metric cockload, metric pantload, metric pantsload.

Real citation: "I've found that i can get to a game with nothing more than a game's core book, my fake book (with it's heavily annotated sheets) and a poke of dice. I remember all too well the dark days when i felt i had to bring a metric jesus-load of materials to a game in order to be prepared."
(Reverend K., "If you hum a few bars i'll fake it.",

Made-up citation: "For my robust health, prosperous children, and large harem, I offer a metric jesus-load of thanks to the Good Lord!"


adj. This describes a state we should all aspire to--despite our fuckwaddy genetic programming.

Related terms: fuckwadish, non-fuck-up-ish, un-fuckheadish.

Real citation: "I doubt I'll ever be much of a raider anymore, except for maybe the odd weekend day. Most likely, I'll be limited to a couple hours here and there. I haven't decided yet (from one play session) whether I'll buy the full game at release or not. Only time will tell. Whatever you all decide, I'll conform and remain conspicuously non-fuckwadish."
(Gohei, Nov. 15, 2004,

Made-up citation: "All animals are non-fuckwadish. It's what separates them from people and hobbits."

Thursday, October 06, 2005


noun. Mathematically speaking, a frigging lot, dude.

Related terms: bazillion, gazillion, flazillion, quatrillion, katrillion, bagillion, bajillion, kajillion, mazillion, zazillion, fafillion, kazillion, fuckillion.

Real citation: "In our jolly little courtyard I tried to go all Martha and ended up pulling a Tarzan. I've got a Key Lime tree, two jasmine, one buganvilia, a MacArthur Palm, a frigillion rapidly spreading ferns and a host of random, yet persistent, weeds."
(dillygirl, "Community, In The Worst Way," Sept. 26, 2005, The Dilly Diaries,

Made-up citation: "I can think of a frigillion more plausible notions than Intelligent Design: how about Batshit Design, Retarded Design, Despicable Design, Totally Wasted Design..."


noun. An ishy, gropy, public-display-of-affection-y state of affairs that the rest of us do not appreciate, thank you very much.

Real citation: "Did you see the look on Bobby's face after her little 'work me over' speech? He said, "Oh really" then showed her the microphone in the shirt. Makes me think that all of their all-over-each-other-ness is just for the cameras."
(ajra, "Being Bobby Brown," July 15, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "I prefer couples who eat their children to gruesome twosomes whose all-over-each-other-ness makes innocent bystanders throw up in their mouths. At least child-eating can be done privately with respect."

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


adj. Ambiguously yet kinda actually porny.

Real citation: "I've taken a lot of naked-sexual-whatever pictures of myself for him, and I'm not self-conscious about being photographed naked or even in sexual situations. I certainly enjoy my share of porn, and I'm not averse to giving back to the genre."
(Pondering Over Revealing Nudity, "Savage Love," Sept. 13, 2005, Village Voice,,savage,67765,24.html)

Made-up citation: "While taking a shit today, some dude in the next stall started making breathy and disturbing naked-sexual-whatever noises. I'd like to think there was a reasonable explanation: maybe he shat out a crack pipe, a delicious rock, and a handy lighter, and I merely overheard him breathing the sweet air of freedom."


noun. A diddly freaking ton o' diddly freaking fun.

Real citation: "Fun. Fun. Fun-diddly-freaking-un."
(Ice Hendrix, Jan. 20, 2005,

Made-up citation: "Nip/Tuck is not only fun-diddly-freaking-un, it's more fun than a frog in a glass of milk."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

poopie woopie doopie loopie

noun. A good way to describe a poodle, a cuddle-monkey, or a turd.

Real citation:
so that gives me the right to say
and a poopie woopie doopie loopie!
(ZelosWilder_TOS, July 11, 2005,

Made-up citation: "I think I'll name my little adorable diminutive poopie woopie doopie loopie Brick."


noun. Look deep into the soul or wardrobe of a schoolmarmish sort, and this ye shall find.

Real citation: "There is inevitably Paul Rodriguez -- inevitable when Cheech Marin isn't available -- as a high school coach who liberates Leticia from schoolmarmitude."
(David Elliot, "Waste of a beauty," Aug 23, 2001,

Made-up citation: "There's a fine line between schoolmarmitude and nunitude, and it's a line you should avoid like a hot vat of ebola."

Monday, October 03, 2005


noun. In layman's terms, a proctologistette.

Real citation: "Every Good Bum Deserves Fingers (as the musically-inclined proctologistess said to the bishop)."
(jacaranda, Sept. 18, 1999,

Made-up citation: "When a proctologistess and a goat-ball-licker wed, everyone wins. Especially the goats."


noun. A keen, playing-with-confederate-money-detecting sense.

Related terms: gaydar, straightdar, bi-dar, hickdar, loserdar, boob-dar, penis-dar, big dick-dar, hair-dar, porn-dar, sex-dar, food-dar, sleep-dar, money-dar, ho-dar, slut-dar, babe-dar, virgin-dar, hottie-dar, weirdo-dar, jerk-dar, moron-dar, dorkdar, skankdar, freak-dar, ass-dar, zombie-dar, Pretentious Club-going New York Assholedar, "someone is staring at my ass"-dar, “Jesus Freak” dar, jailbait-dar.

Real citation: "Did Mimi on Days of Our Lives get fake boobs? We're just up to the bit where Philip is going to rent her half of the loft, and as she stood there in her (awful, horrible) crochet shawl, I suddenly noticed that her new (glaring, orange) huge breasts were filling half the screen. Snookums was unable to confirm (and he usually has good fake-boob-dar). Any opinions?"
(Kristine Michelle Howard, Feb. 16, 2005,

Made-up citation: "With my fake-boob-dar and SAT scores, I feel I would be a fine addition to Mensa."

Friday, September 30, 2005


verb. Mindfuck.

Related terms: mindboink, clusterfornicate, motherfornicator, rat fornication, fornicate the canine.

Real citation: "I mindfornicate all the time."
(Extemporanea, Oct. 6, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Though fornicating your children is generally considered unsound domestic policy, mindfornicating the little apes is just typical parenting."

sweet merciful monkey cheese

exclamation. A sweeter, cheesier, mercifuller, and fully monkified alternative to "Jesus holy shit Christ!"

Related terms: OH DEAR SWEET MERCIFUL MONKEY MUFFINS!, Oh sweet merciful monkey murderer!, Sweet merciful f***monkeys!, Sweet merciful monkey ass!, Sweet merciful monkey crap!, Sweet merciful monkey-god!, SWEET MERCIFUL MOTHER MARY MOSES'S MANIACAL MONKEY OF MOTOWN!!!!!, Sweet merciful mother of purple monkey!, SWEET MERCIFUL MONKEY SHIT!, Sweet merciful monkey wang!, SWEETMERCIFUL MONKEY-FUCK!!!!!, SWEET MERCIFUL MONKEY JESUS!!!!, Sweet Merciful Monkey Christ!, Sweet merciful monkey crap on a stick!

Real citation: "Helpful for when you have no idea what the sweet merciful monkey cheese is going on."

Made-up citation: "'Sweet merciful monkey cheese' would not be a popular type of pizza."

Thursday, September 29, 2005

metric smurfload

noun. A gazillion, bazillion, quatrillion, flazillion, etc. It's more than a Smurf could count!

Related terms: metric buttload, metric assload, metric shitload, metric crapload, metric fuckload, metric truckload, metric boatload.

Real citation: "I like World of Warcraft. I've been in the beta for nearly three weeks now. I play a human priest named Wibble. I have a nice, spiky mace and what seems like a metric smurfload of spells."
(Bethany Massimilla, "A Chicken in Azeroth,"

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his metric smurfload together.'"


noun. A belief system based on a rigid, hard, throbbing belief in the power of porn to penetrate practically everything.

Real citation: "Porn may make a convenient scapegoat for everything that's appalling in the world these days, but new technologies or genres like Internet porn only thrive when they confirm dispositions already inherent in the culture. What I'm saying is that Paul mistakes a symptom for a cause: It's a muddled porno-determinism."
(Laura Kipnis, "Pornified and Female Chauvinist Pigs: Is it true that porn is degrading to women?," Slate,

Made-up citation: "Was Plato a porno-determinist? I know Buddha wasn't, despite his memorable stint as a fluffer."

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


adj. When conflict they see, their pants fill with pee. This would be me.

Related terms: Christmas-avoidy, people-avoidy, avoidy-ness, Mr. Avoidy, avoidy-girl, hidey-avoidy, avoidy-poo.

Real citation: "Immeasurable thanks to sprat and miriam for their wonderfully insightful and punishing betas, and for forcing me out of my conflict-avoidy little shell. Thanks also to mergatrude for her clever and thoughtful answers to my random questions."

Made-up citation: "Does my conflict-avoidiness come from poor toilet training? Or was it a gift from God?"


noun. A barf-worthy boy or babe who may not be marriage material, according to our sources.

Related terms: sex bomb, slutbomb, skankbomb, fuckbomb.

Real citation: "The boyfriend, Pete Doherty, is the heroin- and cocaine-addicted musician, burglar and all-around yuck-bomb whom the model has been seeing off and on for months."
(Rebecca Traister, "The rise and fall of Kate Moss," Sept. 23, 3005, Salon,

Made-up citation: "Since cutting my long hair, I'm less often mistaken for a yuck-bomb, though I'm still widely considered a rancid fuckwit."

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


noun. A heady, baggy, douche-y insult that's considered fighting words in these parts.

Real citation: "Douchebaghead?"
(Jordon, Jan. 21, 2001,

Made-up citation: "I can't listen to the Douchebaghead-in-Chief for more than three minutes without drowning, torching, gouging, or wedgie-ing the nearest bystander or myself for sweet relief."


adj. Deliciously corrupt; chock full o' cronies.

Real citation: "For high-bandwidth fun, check out They Rule, a Flash game/tool where you pick board members and it draws maps of all their interlocking, crony-licious glory."
(Jan. 15, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Governments tend to be crony-licious, and R&B singers are often bootylicious, while many Canadians are hoserlicious."

Friday, September 23, 2005

golden showeree

noun. Under a romantic shower of pee, this person ye shall see.

Related terms: admiree, anus lickee, avengee, ball lickee, beatee, beatifee, besmirchee, betrayee, bitee, blow jobee, bombee, brainsuckee, burnee, car-jackee, clobberee, cock and ball torturee, complimentee, consumee, counselee, cradle-robee, crapee, crushee, decapitatee, disectee, disparagee, downsizee, droolee, excommunicatee, exorcisee, felatee, filmee, fist fuckee, floodee, Frenchee, gawkee, giftee, gropee, gougee, headee, impeachee, killee, kissee, lecturee, lickee, likee, litigatee, lustee, manslaughteree, massagee, mindfuckee, Mr. Horse Fuckee, moldee, molestee, moochee, motivatee, mugee, murderee, nursee, obsessee, oglee, pervee, pervertee, piercee, pimpee, pissee, poopee, predatee, promotee, purse-snatchee, regiftee, reprimandee, scoldee, shagee, shitee, shrinkee, skullfuckee, slashee, slaughteree, slobberee, smoochee, smotheree, sniffee, snitchee, spankee, stabee, stalkee, staree, theftee, toe-suckee, undressee, whackee, wooee, yoinkee.

Real citation: "Would you prefer to be the Golden Showeree or the Golden Showerer?"
(Connoisseur, Oct. 10. 2004,

Made-up citation: "If I were President, Angelina Jolie would be President. And I would be her golden showeree. And Lost and Veronica Mars would not be on at the same time.”


noun. Dude-fume, as in perfume for dudes.

Related terms: man-slutitude, man-flab, man-whore, man-spat, man-crush, man-pole, man-diapers, man-beast, man-love, man-toy, man-package, man-pile, man-smell, man-boobs, man-breasts, man-tits, man-teats, man-boobies, man-witch, man-flesh, man-ape, man-leech.

Real citation: "He was the kind of guy you could tell from a glance stank of man-fume."
(Judy McGuire, "Smooth Operators," New York Press,

Made-up citation: "I use no man-fume--my chocolatey natural musk of pheromones and filth is fumigation enough."

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


noun. Look deep into the brain of someone with a brain, and this ye shall find.

Real citation: "The gift isn't the cause of non-dumbassery, it is the effect of non-dumbassery."
(Spark, Nov. 27, 2004,,7074.15)

Made-up citation: "To cultivate non-dumbassery in your children, keep them away from a church. And don't let them eat paint."


noun. Testicular fortitude.

Real citation: "The vert (short for "vertical ramp") is an audacious 13 feet high, and navigating the gnarly park course will require much gonadage."

Made-up citation: "The Democrat party lacks vision and gonadage. I would like to drown them in the river."

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Chicken Snatchatori

noun. Hot buttered monkey sex with a chicken, or maybe--God willing--a person.

Real citation: "To answer your question about serving a dish that will keep your man happy, I suggest a honey-baked West Vagina ham, or Turkey Cordon Blow-Him. Or how about Chicken Snatchatori?"
(Amy Sedaris, "Seadarities," page 85, The Believer, August 2005)

Made-up citation: "After some refreshing Chicken Snatchatori for breakfast, Michelle and I enjoy going out for waffles."

Princess of Porkitude

noun. Not a title many fathers hope their little girls attain.

Real citation: "Houstonians are hiding their faces over reports that residents of the Bayou City were big viewers of the premier of "The Anna Nicole Show" on cable television. Some tried to put a good spin on the high viewership for the Princess of Porkitude."
(Paul Freeman, Aug. 12, 2002,

Made-up citation: "The Princess of Porkitude and the Baron of Batshit were very happy together in New Jersey."

Monday, September 19, 2005

Christ on a whole wheat cracker

exclamation. A wholesome, wheaty, cracktacular alternative to "Christ on a crutch!" or "Christ in a Christmas tree!"

Related terms: Christ on a cracker, Jesus Christ on a whole wheat cracker, Jesus H. Breakdancing Christ on a whole wheat cracker.

Real citation: "Christ On a Whole Wheat Cracker"
(Jesus Elasmobranchius, April 19, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Christ on a whole wheat cracker! That's some ham on wheat sammich."


adj. Good, holy, pure, and of the lord--and not at all breastacious.

Related terms: post-Janet-Jackson's-breast.

Real citation: "The BDEA is the anti-Janet-Jackson's-nipple bill that would make broadcasters liable for fines of up to $500,000 for any obscene, indecent or profane material they disseminate. Every congressman who voted for it should have his or her name engraved on a brass plaque on the Monument to Cowardice."
(Garrison Keillor, "Talk about obscenity," Sept. 14, 2005, Salon,

Made-up citation: "U.S. Aid to Anti-Janet-Jackson's-nipple Rebels: The Reagan Doctrine and Its Pitfalls"

Friday, September 16, 2005

Mr. Joe Penisbrain

noun. A respectful way to address your friendly neighborhood dickhead.

Real citation: "Mr. Joe Penisbrain is going to be let on the streets, then he damn well better realize that he's not alone! I have to do my part to to protect my person and property and family, and more importantly so does the guy behind the controls of vehicle_of_choice. since we can't depend on the guy to be able to safely control his vehichle, the government had damn well better do it for him."
(Aug. 30, 1991,

Made-up citation: "Why hello, sir. And will Mrs. Joe Penisbrain be joining you tonight?"


adj. Caused by upfucked, fucked-up, and majorly motherfucked people, places, and things.

Real citation: "Despite all of the above, and the general state of upfuckery-induced madness suffered by most of the band at the moment, the tour IS going ahead. And we are still looking forward to it. Hoorah!"
(Vic, May 30, 2002,

Made-up citation: "If all the upfuckery-induced portions of the federal budget were cut, we'd have the cash for national health care, a decent school system, and a harem in every garage."

Thursday, September 15, 2005


noun. A womanly shithead, full of feminine charms.

Real citation: "Obaue: Part of me wants to think that "shithead" can only apply to a male. Is it also possible for a female? In referring to Mr or Ms Bignall -- the name Robin giving insufficient basis for assuming a sex -- should I have said "shithead or shitheadess"?"
(Bob Cunningham, Jan. 12, 2005,

Made-up citation: "If a shitheadess and her Cock-a-poo took a dump on my crapalicious carpet, I'd go ape-dookie!"


noun. A discomfort-and-awkwardness-detecting device, located between the inner ear, pancreas, and soul.

Real citation: "The dinner party scored a perfect eleven on the discomfitometer, especially Jack's droll commentary about oil shortages. Hee!"
(kindscross, " 4-10: "The Index" 2005.03.09," March 9, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "During the surgical scenes in Nip/Tuck, I hold the remote over my eyes, for fear of fritzing out out my discomfitometer, yuckometer, or whatever you wanna call that feeling of ew, eee, and gah."

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


noun. The most doofusistic member of the wad family, which includes better known members such as the gaywad, the dorkwad, and the fuckwad.

Real citation: "Everyone else around this neighborhood has at least some semblance of good sense, because they all mow their lawns in broad daylight. Imagine that. Doofuswad across the street waits until the sun goes down, then drags out his riding mower with the headlight. I suppose in all honesty...why even put a headlight on a riding mower if it weren’t to be utilized, right? *shakes head*"
("When You Care Enough To Send the Very....Best??," Aug. 23, 2004,

Made-up citation: "I can't tell chicken shit from chicken salad, but I have a deep, nuanced appreciation of the difference between a doofuswad and a hipster doofus."

in the barn

idiom. If you're in the closet, and in that closet is a dog, horse, pig, cat, bird. or other member of the animal kingdom, and if you and your friend from down the food chain are making the somewhat-literal beast with two backs, then you are in the barn--even if you're actually in your mom's basement.

Real citation: "Zoophilia is only a problem if it becomes a fetish or a compulsion. Otherwise, it is only people's irrational fear and disgust that keeps us in the barn, so to speak."
(A Seattle Dog Lover, "What Dog Fuckers Have on Their Minds," Aug. 15, 2005,,websavage,66870,24.html)

Made-up citation: "It can get lonely in the barn, when society doesn't understand. It can also get pretty conjugalicious in there. Mooooo!"