Thursday, January 31, 2008


noun. Like, there's a chocolate cake, but then whoa! It's full of poo.

Real citation: "Today Was very very good, though not without its bittersweetitude (Dang it Adrienne, now you've got me doing it.) Class was very good (got to have Linear Algebra outside in the beautiful (though a tad toasty) weather, which made it bearable."
(April 13, 2002,

Made-up citation: "I don't think my dog lives in a world with much bittersweetitude. He's either barking mad at hallway interlopers or doing the dance of joy about his fluffball friends (or treats). Not much grey area."


adj. May involve a disappointing sibling, a one-way rowboat ride, or...uh, what else did Fredo do?

Real citation: "A shadow hung over the show from the opening scene, in which menacing knocking drives Tony and Carmela from bed, and Carm expresses her first half-conscious thought: "Is this it?" I'm sorry to say that it is. And knowing that this is it, it was hard not to read the tea leaves: Tony's Fredo-rific rowboat talks with Bobby, that creepy story about a kid drowning in a swimming pool, so like the swimming pool from which the Soprano family saga first took flight."
(Rebecca Traister, April 14, 2007, Salon,

Made-up citation: "I'm an only child, and I avoid the sea, so I can never be Fredo-riffic. Never!"


noun. I smell more nanoblahblah. Maybe a nanomajiggerwhackey.

Related terms: nano-bionic-whateverization, nano-douche-bot, nanopoop, nanoschlong, nano-souled, nanotesticles, nano-wand of love.

Real citation: “I have a vision in my head of some big-headed science major laying in his dorm room 15 years ago, wishing he could invent undies that clean themselves so he didn't have to keep turning them inside-out to minimize his number of visits to the laundry room (or visits home, if he still gets his mommy to do his bidding). Flash forward a decade or so and WHAM! He discovers a nanosomethingorother that could make all his dreams come true!”
(Jan. 12, 2007, Singing Like Myself,

Made-up citation: "Ensign, the lives of everyone on this ship depend on your team getting down to that planet right now and finding ten nanosomethingorothers, three thingahoosits, and one piece of whatchamacrap. If you have time, I could go for some pita chips also. I like cinnamon."


adj. Quantities may be insufficient to die with dignity. Brunching with dignity is a possibility.

Real citation: “lol i dont see why not, well i guess im whore now, not just a slut yay an ounce of dignity-ish-type substance”
(Dec. 19, 2007, PostSecret Chat,

Made-up citation: “You’ve robbed me of my pride, my family, my butler, and my breakfast. But you will not take away the dignity-ish-type stuff I have left.”

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


noun. A process that is either adorable or terrifying, depending on--among other factors--if you the teddybearified are a human being or fabric swatch.

Real citation: "This episode gave us:
Mutual cannibalism
A teacher that bites toddlers
Some nasty damn hammer toes
Death by teddybearification
A group sex eulogy
A cute puppy
(CarpalFunnel, Jan. 29, 2008, "Nip/Tuck: Plot Holes Are A Curse Upon The World," Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Senator, how will your views on interrogation, teddybearification, immigration, and Beavis and Buttheadification change the tone in Washington and transform health care? You have two minutes to respond."

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


adj. Doomy; prone to awfulize. And to doomize.

Real citation: “leet (elite) p10x (please) how are yoouuu... i dont use myspace anymore. and i generaly have not communicated with you at all. but i was thinking. id still miss you if you died. so dont die! (not that thers much chance... im not really that doomistical) yea. hope you are radical. ttyl ruth dawg. =]”
(July 15, 2007,

Made-up citation: “Are all religions a bit doomistical? I wonder if leprechaunism has a shamrockcaust…”


verb. A frock twice lost is most sorrowful. Frocks are kind of funny though.

Real citation: “First, let me express my heavy heart for the Judicial Council's decision to re-defrock (is that a word?) Beth Stroud.”
(Nov. 14, 2005, Southern Liberal Methodist,

Made-up citation: “Now that I go to a gym, I re-defrock myself several times a day. What, rancid shorts don’t count as a frock?”


adj. Boom chicka chicka wah wah, chicka chicka ooh la la, chicka holy shitballs! That’s my gene pool.

Real citation: “Sugaru's thoughts on Tohma and himself and how they stand next to each other. Can be taken as slightly cousincesty.”
(Feb. 20, 2005,

Made-up citation: “George Michael and Maeby: The cutest cousincesty couple of this era, far more adorable than the unmentionable exploits that offend the heavens under my own family tree.”


adj. Because life in this veil of suckage has far outpaced the word “sucky”.

Related terms: crapfestacular.

Real citation: “Every modern 'horror' movie being released....They're all PGfucking13! Somehow I think another year of suckfestacular movies is imminent......”
(Dec. 23, 2004,

Made-up citation: “My current list of the suckfestacular: chapped lips, getting celery instead of carrots with chicken wings, my dog’s potty-training backslide, people, puddles, peas.”

Monday, January 28, 2008


adj. A compliment slightly less gushing than “un-felon-y” and “semi-barf-inducing”.

Real citation: “Bob Mackey is non-abominationable.”
(Sept. 21, 2006, The Jambar,

Made-up citation: “Goodbye, Margaret. Our time together was adequate, but all non-abominationable things must end.”


noun. This has got to be a dude, right?

Real citation: “6:33 p.m. For reasons unknown, a gentleman evolved into some sort of super-harass-o-matic, bothering customers at a Uniontown burrito palace, then ambling over to a nearby variety store to dispense similar retribution. Police found him heavily cocktailed, and transported him to a large pink facility constructed for just such an occasion.”
(Kevin L. Hoover, Jan. 15, 2008, The Arcata Eye,

Made-up citation: “I grew up believing all French skunks were Pepe-le-Pew-like super-harass-o-matics. Damn you, Looney Tunes!”

Sunday, January 27, 2008


adj. God-damned! Dang-blasted! Ding-swizzled! Or... Did Dad smurf the _______ again? *shudders*

Real citation: “You are all just a bunch of horses's smurfs. Every dadsmurfed one of you. You can all go smurf yourselves and then take the slow road to smurf. WTS? Why am I unable to swear? This is pathetic? How can I be Rambo Smurf when my only curse words are smurf and poopoo?”
(Dec. 6, 2006, MySpace Forums,

Made-up citation: “I mainly included this word to lure readers to my dadsmurfed latest column.”


noun. Monkeyshines, but more apey. May involve Britney Spears. Or the other kind of spears.

Real citation: “Not a Planet of the Apes reference....but a nod to one of the greatest chimpcapades to have graced these boards.”
(Feb. 15, 2006, Obsidian Forum Community,

Made-up citation: “The difference between chimpcapades and humancapades is, according to researchers, a tiny slice of DNA and a whole lotta bananas.”

Saturday, January 26, 2008


adj. Just the right age for...hmm. A spleen transplant, maybe?

Real citation: "I've done precisely diddly-fucking-squat in my *ahem*ty-nine years of existence to justify even the remotest curiosity from the boys in blue."
(July 6, 2006,

Made-up citation: "Let's fill this sucker out... Gender: Dudely. Current status: Civilian. Body type: Like an angel without wings or self-discipline. Age: *ahem*ty-nine. Hair type: Savory. Eyes: Ungouged. Height: Yes. Looking for: The diaper-faced, duck-pampering, doofusistic, degoopified, dark-avenger-y doomsteress of my dreams."

Friday, January 25, 2008


adj. You don't understand the power!

Related term: godishlike.

Real citation: "godlike-ish. I feel like a god. Well, lesser god, but one with the power to create."
(July 10, 2006, A Grind,

Made-up citation: "We are entering a 'new design phase of biology,' according to the most godlike-ish dude I know. Booyah! I want a three-pronged fishboy."


noun. Gran-gran-ery. Pop-pop-age. Old-cootitude.

Related term: geezertude.

Real citation: “Given that the concerts were recorded in 2003, I couldn't be less interested in seeing the Stones cavort about in their geezeritude.”
(Feb. 10, 2004,

Made-up citation: “My knees are tired… My hair is graying… Damn you, geezeritude!”

Thursday, January 24, 2008


noun. An untrustworthy shitbird, methinks.

Real citation: “I've just visited David's blog and learned the news that the real poopertraitor was hauled off in handcuffs!! I knew all along that wasn't the real Dave. He and his pumpkin are INNOCENT! Dave, I believe in you!!”
(Jan. 28, 2006, Lazy Daisy Log,

Made-up citation: “Get the poopertraitor! He poopertraitored on my Sunday dress.”


adj. Conjugaliciousness interruptus.

Real citation: “i also am so confused about it because we had had like a million margaritas and were mid-nookie at the time. i said that i didn't want to talk about it when we had been drinking... but then he kept saying it over and over again. i didn't say it back. then this morning...... NOTHING!!!! no mention of it at all. what do you make of this? was it just a drunk thing where he got caught up in the moment? AHHHHHHH! :sad:”
(Feb. 11, 2005,

Made-up citation: “Did you see the mid-nookie death plunge on Nip/Tuck? A new standard for bad date has been set.”

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


adj. Sometimes the Gods bestow a miracle. Other times, Juicy Fruit.

Real citation: “In the store, Kima asks the clerk for a pack of Juicy Fruit. As she waits for him to get it from behind the counter (wow, even gum? I expect that for razor blades or blank DVDs, but gum? Damn), she takes in the security camera mounted up by the ceiling, and the heavily barricaded back room. When the clerk returns with her gum, he observes that she's one of those "half-soul, half-Chinese types, from Vietnam and shit." I guess Jeff Probst isn't the only one flummoxed by the notion that people of Asian descent aren't ethnically interchangeable. Anyway, Kima doesn't bother to confirm or deny it and saunters out, beJuicyFruited.”
(Wing Chun, “Home Rooms,” Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: “Guards, bring me a bedoofused, behipstered, beJuicyFruited, beer-bestanked buffoon. And a salad.”


adj. Hey, do I look like a scrotologist? Don’t answer that.

Real citation: “GS: What makes you an expert in doucheology?DB1: Practicing the art of the Douchestrological sciences requires patience, dedication and lots of hair gel. Only true douche experts can properly analyze the scrotological manifestations andramifications of the hottie/douchey coupling, and learn important facts like whether someone close to us loves us, or whether there will be an earthquake in Paraguay.”
(Sept. 4, 2007,

Made-up citation: “Scrotologically speaking… Damn, that's a rough way to start a wedding toast.”

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


noun. A pooch (or poochly person) that specializes in being blamed and shaved.

Real citation: “Suddenly Mr Ingram seemed to realise that he was being set up as the fall-guy, the scapepoodle. ‘I’m the first minister who’s perhaps come to the dispatch box,’ he said slowly, as the truth dawned on him, “and therefore the one who’s being asked all these questions.” Forget the heroics, it was time to take cover.”
(Ben Mcintyre, Feb. 12, 2003, Times Online,

Made-up citation: “You can’t make me a scapepoodle. I’m not that well-groomed. I’m a scapehuahua at best.”


adj. This word can only be defined by a Subaru crashing into a Starbucks in a Walmart! I shoulda had a V-8!

Real citation: “4pm - Oprah's got Jon Stewart. I can't remember the last time a promo for any show, let alone Oprah, pulled me in with promos. Yet, it's happened two days in a row. Jon Stewart makes me laugh so hard, I'm nearly in tears and the bit with Amy Sedaris as the Starbucks waitress is precious. Product-placement-y but precious.”
(June 27, 2005,

Made-up citation: “The product-placement-y use of Dunkin’ Donuts on The Wire doesn’t bug me too much, since DD’s coffee is my preferred form of crack. Speaking of coffee and The Wire, I swear I just saw Dominic West in a Chicago Caribou Coffee…maybe I should lay off the chai methuccinos.”

Monday, January 21, 2008


noun. A fucktard with awesome power, a private jet, and armies of henchscum.

Real citation: “I detest the fact that as I’m lying on the sofa, trying to relax, I have to constantly be on my guard, because if an advert break suddely comes, and I don’t notice, I may well be deafened, because some airtight pigfaced powder-snotted advertising execufucktard has decided that the Best Way to get my attention is to turn the volume up three or four notches so that I’M SUDDENLY BEING SHOUTED AT BY IDIOT STEREOTYPES ABOUT WASHING UP LIQUID! THAT’S RIGHT, WASHING UP LIQUID! IT’S 'NEW AND IMPROVED!' APPARENTLY, AND no, never heard the rest, because the mute button’s gone on, I’ve wandered over to the pooter and without doubt the next time I look up I shall realise that I have missed ten minutes of murder and mystery and will have no chance of catching up with the plot.”
(Oct. 19, 2004, Little Red Boat,

Made-up citation: “Does experience as an execufucktard prepare a candidate to be fucktard-in-chief? Political scientists are counting the corporate short buses as we speak.”


noun. A tingly, banana-like predicament caused by a sex god named Fred.

Real citation: “NRO's Corner got a red, throbbing Fred-on last night during and after the Republican debate in South Carolina, a group swelling that has Roy Edroso at Alicublog reaching for a fire extinguisher and lion-tamer's chair. Based on fan reaction to last night's performance, Fred Thompson is the new old Gipper, appealing to Golden Girls of all ages and genders.”
(James Wolcott, Jan. 11, 2008,

Made-up citation: “Wilma reveals her secrets: How to maintain a Fred-on while getting dinopoop out of the carpet.”

Sunday, January 20, 2008


noun. Nanotechnobabble—or very, very tiny nonsense.

Real citation: “Well… JACS appears to have a higher-than-average amount of nanoblahblah dealing with quantumblahblah that I really couldn’t follow with my feeble synthetic organic chemistry brain. There are a few things in there, however.”
(Oct. 3, 2006, The Chem Blog,

Made-up citation: “If nanoblahblah is your idea of pillow talk, women generally will not flock to your Linus and Charlie Browns.”


noun. A rubbishy wad who is likely not a pillar of the community.

Real citation: “I didn't mnake up anyuthing you trashwad. Where's your evidence?”
(Oct. 12, 2007, Faith Freedom International,

Made-up citation: “I knew a girl who used to call me a trash-head, but I am no one’s trashwad, dear sir! I am not an animal!”

Thursday, January 17, 2008


noun. Naptime! Also, unbutton-my-fricking-pants-time.

Real citation: "We find that after having our bodies replenished with food at lunch so does post-lunchitude replenish our souls as we go out and recruit new members. We spend many blissful hours singing the Arky Ark song and seeking out those in search of the Ultimate Truths."
("Our Routines!"

Made-up citation: "The glorious era of post-lunchitude has begun, yet I fear the fragile age of pre-barfitude will soon be a mere memory, like grandma's frozen bananas."


noun. A gizmo that turns airy, ethereal ghosts into beefy, fleshy meatbags.

Real citation: "I liked last night's ep, although some of the scenes gave me the wiggins. I really did not like the multi-lacerated Spike crawling across the floor while Pavayne came after him. Also, I am a little confused as to why Fred claims she can't make another one of those corporeal-ators when Wes said he could get all of her supplies in 20 minutes. There are a lot of TWoPpers that Spike is already boring to death...if he doesn't become corporeal soon, I think that those of us who aren't bored yet will get tired."
(Oldersis, Oct. 23, 2003, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "'Never bring a corporeal-ator to an ectoplasm fight,' said the wizard, who was a tick past his prime."

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


adj. Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig.

Real citation: “that one hell of a megamungus sump guard”
(May 29, 2007,

Made-up citation: “Despite my dashing do of 2008, I used to have megamungus hair that frightened woodland critters and the elderly, which was kind of cool.”

seventeenth banana

noun. A low-ranking fruit indeed.

Real citation: “And right atop the letters list was one from SAG First VP and second, less entertaining "M*A*S*H" sidekick Mike Farrell, who naturally thinks the plight of the seventeenth banana is a major problem:”
(Dec. 5, 2004,,

Made-up citation: “If I had a squadron of minions and henchgoons, I’d require the seventeenth banana to keep my compound well-stocked with bananas—and to be on the lookout for traitorous henchapes.”

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Euphemism Hall of Fame

(This article appeared in the January 2008 issue of The Funny Times)

A lot of people don’t like euphemisms, probably because they’re evasive, deceitful, preposterous degradations of language. The Bush administration’s surge, extraordinary rendition, regime change, compassionate conservative, pre-emptive self-defense, and alternative interrogation methods are all highly hate-worthy—it’s true.

But I love euphemisms. In fact, I go ape-feces for that kind of horsepucky; I think they are fan-fornicating-tastic.

Why? Because they’re creative. You can keep the pyramids, the poems, the paintings, and The Sopranos; there’s no larger monument to human creativity than the bottomless pit of euphemistic language. Nothing brings out our creative spark quite like the need to fib, fudge, and fabricate.

Everyone’s heard George Carlin’s routine about how shellshock evolved into the softer battle fatigue and finally the totally lifeless post-traumatic stress disorder, and we’re all familiar with the mythical personhole, a PC version of manhole that only exists in standup routines. But not all euphemisms have been so frequently joked about. In fact, some terms have been hovering under the radar, spreading very little information but lots of chuckles. These obscure-yet-real linguistic evasions deserve to be first-ballot inductees in the Euphemism Hall of Fame—if they ever find a building big enough to house it.

subterranean strengths
Name expert Maryanna Korwitts says people named Natalie have subterranean strengths—this might be the faintest, most backhanded praise of my lifetime. Roughly translated, “Your daughter has subterranean strengths” means “This kid has good points that are so hard to find, you need an oil drill the size of a dinosaur. These strengths are buried underneath so much mud and earth and rock and mole men and underground sugar caves that you might end up in China before you find ‘em. She’s a swell girl.”

badly sourced
A badly sourced story is false—not a hallmark of the finest journalism. You have to admire the audacity of this one, which makes it seem as if the sources are somehow the problem, not the writer who dumbly selected or totally failed to consult them. What’s next, a botulism-causing meal that, according to the chef, was badly reciped?

dignity bag
This term has a more noble origin than most: it was invented to ease the pain of foster children whose possessions were moved in garbage bags. Dignity bag sounded a little better to Jeanne Fowler, an advocate for foster kids who apparently coined the term. Is she onto something? I wonder if we’d all have more dignity if we used the word dignity instead of garbage, trash, rubbish, junk, and squalor. Then we could live in a shiny new future, full of dignity cans, dignity trucks, and dignity men who empty the dignity dumpsters. White trash would be white dignity. We’d say, “Why is this bum digging through the dignity?” “Why is my dog eating dignity off the street?” And it would give new meaning to dying with dignity.

When I hear the word salvage, I think about saving, rescuing, preserving, and… murdering? In the Philippines—at least in the naughtier circles—salvaging refers to extrajudicial execution, as in “I salvaged the dissident and buried him in the backyard.” If that’s their idea of salvaging, I’d hate to be recycled.

controlled flight into terrain (CFIT)
The Flight Safety Foundation writes that, “CFIT occurs when an airworthy aircraft under the control of the flight crew is flown unintentionally into terrain, obstacles or water, usually with no prior awareness by the crew.” According to my secret decoder ring, that’s a plane crash. So…controlled flight into terrain involves an operational plane, a competent crew, and an on-the-ball pilot. Unfortunately, all concerned also end up on the mountain, on the monument, and sometimes on the ocean floor.

maximum absorbency garment (MAG)
Being an astronaut has always seemed cool; wearing a diaper has rarely scored as many points with the hipperati. Maybe the non-suaveness of diaper-donning is why NASA conceived this lengthy euphemism for an icky aspect of space travel, where the road trips are long and the porta-potties scarce. However, I worry what advanced interstellar civilizations will think when our representatives greet them in nappies.

vehicle-borne improvised explosive device
These twelve syllables, which have unfortunately been used often during the second Iraq war, do the work of two: car bomb.

symmetry failure
You’re going to love this term if you feel like wardrobe malfunction—a term for stripping that became popular after Janet Jackson’s infamous Super Bowl performance—is too forthright and honest for this era of tender hearts and minds. In English, symmetry failure—also known as wrong-site surgery—can be summed up in twelve little words: “Um, guys? I think we were supposed to remove the other foot.”

holistic practitioner
Though those two words may bring to mind herbs, massages, chiropractors, acupuncturists, and other non-traditional healers, this term picked up a new meaning in Toronto that only deals with the Marvin Gaye type of healing: sexual. Apparently, getting a license for your very own holistic health center was about as difficult as finding a Tim Hortons Donuts, and many license-seekers were actually pimps and pimpettes. Insert your own “So that’s why they call it hole-istic” joke here.

In 1997, residents of Kingsville, Texas tried to legally change the word hello to heaven-o, because they felt this common greeting sounded too much like a neighborly welcome to the sweltering land of fire and damnation. Thank God they failed, because who knows what words and expressions they would’ve gone after next. How could I scare my children with tales of heavenfire and heavenbeasts, such as the heavenhound? And I’m not ready for a world where heavenicopters crash into balloons full of heavenium, leaving women named Heavenen to shout “Heaven-p! Heaven-p!”


verb. Hello, Mr. Limpy. Or Mr. Not-Freezing-His-Tushie-Off.

Related terms: stiffify.

Real citation: “It's below freezing out there, woman! It takes time to de-stiffify. Yeesh.”
(clairecheaux, March 27, 2007, The Planet,

Made-up citation: "If I could swim in a scalding-hot, lawsuit-worthy, chai-tea vat, I'd do it, just to de-stiffify these cold, cold body parts of mine."


noun. Skankiness; skankitude; skankery; astrophysics. Doh. Astroskankage?

Real citation: “I don't buy porn, and yes, I'll remain unimpressed, thanks. I'll reserve being impressed for people that don't win a skankularity contest and actually invent something, or for those that bust their asses making their money in traditional businesses.”
(July 13, 2007, Wizbang,

Made-up citation: "If I read one more post that uses the words 'skankularity' or 'ho-cake' in reference to my sister, I will spam you where it hurts."

Monday, January 14, 2008


noun. A notch below success—a sad, sad notch, glistened with tears.

Real citation: “Due to this club's successfulishness, I proclaim myself a GODDESS ON THIS BOARD!”
(Jan. 14, 2003, link dead)

Made-up citation: “The successfulishness of Andy on Extras…oy. It’s like a cheese grater for my heart.”


noun. In toddler talk: poopoofacedoodoo!

Real citation: “once upon a time in a far far far far ass place i dunno somewhere like...durgadurgastan... there onced lived a great honorable and noble king...pretend his name was king shitfacecrap.”
(July 4, 2006,

Made-up citation: “When I feel like a wretched shitfacecrap, only three things can put a hop in my step: Arrested Development, apple blintzes, and my enemy’s head on a pike.”


noun. Like Frankenfood, but the nourishing sustenance was replaced with an egregious asshat.

Real citation: “Ewwww. NONONONONO. If this is the "greatest honeymoon ever, and requires looking at Frankenasshat semi-clad and spritzed, I'll hurl. We already have to watch this show at lunchtime, do they have to force this on us, too. We get it. They're in love. Now write them off the show so they can be happy. Please?”
(vallegirl, “All My Children,” Sept. 8, 2004, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "When it's possible to make Frankenasshats and nanodinodoodles in a stem-cell hellbroth in my own basement, I'll be able to complete my dissertation."


noun. A freak with fame.

Related terms: celebubot, celebucaust, celebudrunk, celebudude, celebu-shambles, celebuwhatever, golden celebutwit triumvirate.

Real citation: “Now today she's all over L.A. Fashion Week sashaying her moneymaker down the runway. The celebufreak has even been seen with New Orleans Saint Reggie Bush. Back away from the skank slowly, Reggie, and no one will get hurt.”
(March 22, 2007, Vibe Blogs,

Made-up citation: "Dude, you're a rancid freak. That's just who you are. But with the right work ethic, a little sexual barter, and some surgical intervention, you could grow up to be the nastiest celebufreak of them all--if you believe in yourself like I believe in you. Now make your gran-gran proud."

Sunday, January 13, 2008


adj. Resembling a…come on, do I have to draw you a picture?

Real citation: “And there was me thinking there couldn't possibly be any joystick more butt-pluggy than the Konix SpeedKing.”
(Nov. 30, 2006, Yak Yak,

Made-up citation: “Dear God, man! Hand me the butt-pluggy doowhackey! Before it’s too late!”


noun. 1. An unappetizing name for a heaven-sent device. 2. A terrifying gadget with a douchebag-tastic function.

Real citation: “I hated the Wii name initially, but to be honest, it's no longer an issue with me. They could call it the Nintendo Douchebagomatic, and I'd still go out to get one tomorrow.”
(Nov. 17, 2006,

Made-up citation: “Hmm. So your catchphrase is ‘It’s not just automatic—it’s douchebagomatic’? I think you can top that.”

Friday, January 11, 2008


noun. The handiest hickeymadoodle since the exorcism tongs.

Real citation: “just wanted to run down a quick list of nonexistent products that are critical to CT lore:
Invisicrete (tm)
Hushaboom (tm)
Cloaking technology
Radio Shack (R) 1:1 scale RC Airliner (with optional missile-firing attachment)
Micro-Machines Suitcase Nuke”
(Aug. 30, 2006,

Made-up citation: “Mom! Joey took my super-duper-nano-choco-thermite! And he called me a poopstick!”


adj. Because “creepy” isn’t creepy enough to cover some of our finest citizens and cousins.

Real citation: “All right. At this point, my ‘creep-o-meter’ was starting to register some strong creepitudinous vibrations. So he keeps on ‘Nyarrm’-ing and studying the bench and I'm trying to rinse off as quickly as possible to make my escape.”
(Nov. 5, 2006, Crabbydad,

Made-up citation: “Why are you leaving me? Is it my creepitudinous tendencies, my gnarly toenails, my platinum locks…? Come back, sweet Veronica, do not forsake me!”

Wednesday, January 09, 2008


noun. Worse than a wanker! Wankier than a wad!

Real citation: “To state: I'm not the ‘fuckwit’, whom misspelled, ‘fuckwit’, with 6 u's... ‘Fuckwit’... Talk about grammatical errors, and then being born as a error..... Your nowhere near being able to walk upright to critisize me about "my mistakes", when you still knuckle dragging... {As the wankerwad neanderthal that you are} So go back to clubbing yourself over the head like you were before you came to this message board, as your not making yourself look any more intelligent, than the day your mother expelled you from her anus..”
(Nov. 9, 2005,

Made-up citation: “Deep down, that wankerwad you hate is actually a personwad who hates you.”


adj. Um, I don’t know anything about that… *deforests family tree*

Real citation: “I wish she would just overdose already and get it over with. At least then we wouldn’t have to hear about her white-trashtacular life any longer.
(July 24, 2007, The Brian’s Section,

Made-up citation: “I like Obama for President. We need to show the world a leader who’s less white, white-trashtacular, and insane.”

Tuesday, January 08, 2008


noun. A devilish quality that is extracted by beatings.

Real citation: “It would be funny if the military's taking credit just to scare the besatan (since bejesus doesn't apply) out of terrorists.”
(May 1, 2007, Scan Diego,

Made-up citation: “An interdenominational gang of hoodlums came together as one to knock the bejesus, the besatan, the bezeus, and the ugly out of me. The international community and my family applauded the faith-based initiative.”


adj. 1. Rambo-y. 2. Huh? 3. Oh yeah: poodle-y.

Real citation: “Tyson's do was indeed well-executed but was so completely unrelated to anything remotely Elizabethan it's not even funny. He obviously thinks Marie Antoinette was alive during the Elizabethan age. Hello. Not even close. No powdered wigs, but instead, with the various headpieces/hats, they did what was called ‘ratting’ or friseeing...most of the hair would be pulled fairly severely back into a low bun/chignon, then the two front pieces would be rolled with hair rats or curled into lovely poodlescent puffs.”
(May 10, 2007, Tom & Lorenzo,

Made-up citation: “When grown out, my hair isn’t entirely unpoodlescent. My ancestors must’ve had strong hair and ridiculous dogs.”

Monday, January 07, 2008


noun. A metric ew-load of involuntary protein spillage.

Real citation: "TransContinental MegaBarfage of Wasted space"
(Michael A. Petonic, Oct. 5, 1993,

Made-up citation: "Since you came into my life, there's been joy, despair, pleasure, megabarfage, inner peace, and police intervention. Kind of a mixed bag."


noun. 1) In the midst of has, hees, and hos. 2) .5 on the guffawometer.

Real citation: "I was in half-hee when Boomer reached out and shot Adama and the laugh died on my lips."
(Chicharraj,"1-13: "Kobol's Last Gleaming, Part 2" 2005.04.01," April 2, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "When Odin looks down on earth with his good eye and trusty ravens, his mood ranges from half-hee to full gonzo merriment at our earthly losercapades."


verb. Dong song goes wrong… Thwack! Aiiiiieeeeeee!

Real citation: “'My former superior - one of, that is, her and Buffy. Cheerleader Bunny. Um, she's okay, really,' Willow said apologetically. 'Just kind of... well, you saw. So, uh, how about we depenisify you?'”
(July 23, 2006, The Kitten, The Witches, and The Bad Wardrobe,

Made-up citation: “Local researchers will debrainsuck and depenisify a cohort of local men, because goddamn! There are some stupid dudes out there, and it’s quite problematic.”


adj. As genuine as your made-in-a-cup DNA, angry android dog, and pleather internal organs.

Real citation: “as far as theme- it's turning into a zen-ish wedding which is THRILLING me to death. both meghann and i are very earthy and natural-ish-y.”
(June 6, 2007, Same Sex Marriage and Beyond,

Made-up citation: “I’ve been foregoing hair gel in hopes of a more natural-ish-y look, but that looks sucks. Welcome back, hair gel, my sweet, sticky friend!”

Sunday, January 06, 2008


noun. A whackaloon with power. Ultimate power! Cuckoolicious power.

Real citation: “If I try to show my conservative friends that not all liberals are nutballs, I first have to disavow the nutball-in-chief. That's you, Michael. With your antics and the Democratic Party elite's willingness to embrace you, you gave the conservatives a ready-made boogeyman to wave in front of America. See these crazy liberals! They're all just like Michael Moore!”
(Nov. 8, 2004, Indigo Insights,

Made-up citation: “Ignoring a nutball-in-chief is batshit crazy, but following one is bugfuck insane, according to the manual.”


noun. Eggs, blintzes, coffee, OJ, grits, and sweet, merciful, all-knowing bacon. Bacon…only you know what’s in my heart, as you slowly destroy it.

Real citation: “Two feeds of FEEESH and two feeds of general breakfastude."
(Aug. 2, 2004,

Made-up citation: “After a hangover, I love wallowing in breakfastude. If I could sleep it off in a giant stack of Swedish pancakes, I would.”

Friday, January 04, 2008


noun. Once upon a time there was a pooface and a poohead. They fell in love. One got knocked up. This word is their house ape, a lexical germbag of joy.

Real citation: “When are we allowed to go home poofacehead
(Kate, April 5, 2007,

Made-up citation: "You'll never be my butler, Stan, but if you play your cards right, a vice-poofacehead you may be, after a proper time has passed."


noun. A government by the technically savvy and geekily inclined.

Real citation: "Speculation fueled hype, and hype stoked expectation like a coast-to-coast combustible reaction. Online buzz and prattle superheated the Net, as the techno-geekocracy chewed endlessly on the possibilities."
("'It' revealed: scooter aimed at decreasing city congestion," Dec. 4, 2001, Daily Lobo,

Made-up citation: "I'll take techno-geekocracy over democracy--if they keep the fembots functional and get these nano-roaches out of my family-borg."

Thursday, January 03, 2008


noun. Did you think robots were brought by a shiny metal stork? Don’t be na├»ve!

Real citation: “Newer, more flexible robotic housing equals more butt-kicking, robo-fornication
(March 8, 2006,

Made-up citation: “I’m surprised the Bible says nothing of robo-fornication, what with all the robo-lepers, robo-harlots, and seven-headed-beast-bots.”


noun. You know, that hickeymadoodle.

Related terms: crapamajig, foozamabob, thingahoosits.

Real citation: “So we get off the bus, and we're back at the hotel early, around 8:30.I had forgotten about the Jazz whatchamacrap, but she hadn't, andasked if I still wanted to go.”
(March 7, 2005,

Made-up citation: “The difference between crap and whatchamacrap can only be determined with expertise, refinement, wisdom, grace, and relentless attention to all that is crapitudinous.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008


interjection. Because “puh-sugar-booger-leeze” doesn’t have the same ring. Or does it?

Related term: puh-puh-puh-puh-leeze.

Real citation: “that's cool and it's about fucking time someone did that, but 189 bucks. puh-motherfucking-leeze.”
(May 17, 2006,

Made-up citation: “I’m pretty sure sprinkling your vocabulary with 'puh-motherfucking-leeze' and 'motherhumper may I?' isn’t what your homeroom teacher meant by better manners. Also, I recommend pants.”


noun. An expert—most likely a tweed-tastic academic with a box of wine and teacher’s assistant under the desk—in a not-so-respectable field.

Real citation: “32 college kids are murdered (the killer is not worthy of including in the count) and the first thing heard on the breaking news is about how the University didn’t protect the kids. One hysterical buffoonologist after another using their so-called expertise to castigate the University Administration and the University Police for not protecting the kids. This without the benefit of ANY facts about the case - only bits and pieces of broken-down word of mouth.”
(April 17, 2007, To Be Right!,

Made-up citation: “At this crucial juncture of my life, I’ve limited my career options to buffoon, buffoonologist, and pope. All are tempting, though the prices in the Vatican Starbucks may narrow the field.”