Friday, April 29, 2011

Five thoughts about Cylons

I can resist anything except bribes, coercion, disco, polite requests, and naked Cylon agents.

“010011110101000000101” may sound sexy to you, but it’s a trite pickup line to most Cylons.

I think my neighbor is a Cylon. She’s so beautiful, and she keeps nuking planets.

Faking an orgasm is easy. Faking a Cylon invasion is hard.

What men really think during sex: “My masters on the Cylon homeworld will be pleased.”

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Step Aside, Birthers: It’s Not About Where Obama Was Born, But How

Now that President Obama has released his long-form birth certificate, perhaps the insane birther conspiracy will fade.

It is long past time for the country to return to more serious matters. The issue is not and should never have been where the President was born—but how.

While the birthers and birther-flattering rabble-rousers like Donald Trump have stolen headlines and clouded the minds of Americans, several communities of independent thinkers have been speaking their own truths. Listen to the intriguing ideas of these independent journalists and concerned Americans before making up your own mind.

From the birds high above our heads to the natives of Ork even higher above our heads, we know that many creatures are born via the egg. (Lady Gaga, anyone?) The hatchers suggest that Obama was born in exactly such a fashion, and a worldwide search has been ongoing since 2008 for pieces of the original Obama egg. A leader in the hatcher community said, off the record, he hoped to “clear up rumors that Osama bin Laden lovingly sat on that egg while planning 9/11 and knitting a blankie for his precious boy and future world ruler.”

Some starfish breed in a frightening fashion: if an arm becomes detached, not only does the original starfish regrow the arm, but the detached limb grows into a starfish of its own. The vibrant, quirky starfisher community believes Obama is the result of a similar process that took place underneath the sea and the nose of the American public. Scoff if you must, but isn’t it fishy that the American government currently funds no research into discovering the eleven-headed, sucker-footed, latte-sipping Obamafish?

There is credible evidence to suggest President Obama grew from the ground up, like so many oaks, chrysanthemums, and—shudder—community organizations. Respected newspaper The Onion was way ahead of this story last September when they revealed (,18127/) “1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama Is A Cactus.” However, some planters insist the President is a fern.

Sci-fi fans remember the classic Star Trek episode “The Trouble with Tribbles,” featuring the adorable tribbles, those cute, mindless fuzzballs whose only desire was to raise the taxes of every member of the Enterprise’s middle class (also, to kill their grandparents). The tribbles multiply asexually and rapidly, living only to breed, purr, and make America weaker. Sound like any 44th President you know?

If you can make soup in a cup, why not a liberal?

We’re assuming a lot when we assume President Obama is organic at all. His eerie calm, steadfast logic, and willingness to kill everyone in the world who doesn’t bow down to Allah make the botter claims particularly difficult to refute. Those stories that Obama is able to morph his body, Transformer-like, into a puppy-killing drone ship just won’t go away. Who was behind the creation of the Obama-bot? JFK? Jimmy Carter? Bill Clinton? The pre-Obama, Hitler himself? It’s hard to say, but until President Obama provides absolute proof that he’s not a merciless, super-sophisticated killbot with secret Muslim laser nipple-blasters, real Americans must not rest.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Ten thoughts about your mom

Progress has been made, but there are still too many white males in government and your mom.

Your mom is so crazy she goes cuckoo for Frosted Mini-Wheats.

Only say “I love you” or “I did your mom” when you mean it.

Most conflicts boil down to Betty vs. Veronica, ninjas vs. nuns, or your mom vs. everything good and holy and right.

If it seems disturbing that 10% of teens are OK with texting during sex, keep in mind those teens are all doing your mom.

Bathrooms are for customers! One of many things they have in common with your mom.

Not only does your mother wear army boots, but your army wears mom jeans.

I hate to sound like your dad, but your mom is pretty good in bed.

Remember, when you point the finger at someone, three other fingers are pleasuring your mom.

A world without mother jokes would be like a brothel without your mom.