Friday, December 31, 2004

sweet merciful pancakes

exclamation. A sweeter, more merciful, more breakfast-y version of "Holy shit!"

Related terms: Dear sweet merciful God!, Dear sweet merciful heavens!, Holy sweet merciful hell!, Holy sweet merciful Mary McGillicuddy!, Oh dear sweet merciful Lord!, OH DEAR SWEET MERCIFUL MONKEY MUFFINS!, Oh my sweet merciful 7-11 nachos!, Oh my sweet merciful Buddha!, Oh my sweet merciful ferret lord!, Oh sweet merciful baby Jesus!, Oh sweet merciful fucking Christ on the cross!, Oh sweet merciful fucking Zeus!, Oh sweet merciful god in heaven!, Oh sweet merciful hell!, Oh sweet merciful Jeeezus!, Oh sweet merciful Jesus on a bicycle!, Oh sweet merciful Julie Chen!, Oh my dear sweet merciful baby Jesus!, Sweet merciful anal sex!, Sweet merciful bejesus!, Sweet merciful Buddha on a crutch!, Sweet merciful Christ on a bike!, Sweet merciful crap!, Sweet merciful delete button!, Sweet merciful divine!, Sweet merciful f***monkeys!, Sweet merciful force!, Sweet merciful fuck!, Sweet merciful God almighty!, Sweet merciful god in heaven above!, Sweet merciful goddess!, Sweet merciful heavens!, Sweet merciful Jeebus and his brother Harry!, Sweet merciful lord of crap!, Sweet merciful Lords of Chaos!, Sweet merciful marzipan!, Sweet merciful McGillicuddy!, Sweet merciful monkey ass!, Sweet merciful monkey crap!, Sweet merciful monkey-god!, SWEET MERCIFUL MOTHER MARY MOSES'S MANIACAL MONKEY OF MOTOWN!!!!!, Sweet merciful Mother Nature!, Sweet merciful mother of anything sacred!, Sweet merciful mother of cake!, Sweet merciful mother of cheese!, Sweet merciful mother of crap!, Sweet merciful mother of fuck!, Sweet merciful mother of muppets!, Sweet merciful mother of pearl!, Sweet merciful mother of Pete!, Sweet merciful mother of purple monkey!, Sweet merciful mother of the good Lord Yaweh!, Sweet merciful mother of Zeus!, Sweet merciful progress!, Sweet merciful Red Auerbach!, Sweet merciful Santa!, Sweet merciful savior in heaven!, Sweet merciful shit!, Sweet merciful spiffiness!, Sweet merciful toast!, Sweet merciful water pressure!, Sweet merciful Wayne Gretzky!, Sweet merciful webcam!, Sweet merciful Zeus!, Sweet, sweet merciful Jesus!

Real citation: "I'm not particularly partial to slash. But sweet merciful pancakes, that is hawt. Oh to be the on the receiving end of the tongue. Either tongue. Both tongues. Squeeee."
(ladycaffeine, March 15, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Sweet merciful pancakes! I wonder what a 'monkey muffin' is?"


adverb. Extremely so--in a crushing/vacating the bowels way.

Real citation: "Previous New Years come to mind in a slurry of bowel-crushingly embarrassing memories. Blowing chunks in a bin outside Leatherhead Leisure Centre, falling asleep at 10.30pm in an airing cupboard ripped to the gills on Malibu, weeping into a vol-au-vent at the passing of another year. To be honest, most of my New Years have been spent with my parents, rugs on knees and sherries in hand, watching people in Scotland on the telly having a really brilliant time."
("Previous New Years come to mind as bowel-crushingly embarrassing memories,"

Made-up citation: "What bowel-crushingly moronic decisions will I make in the year ahead? Me and my bowels (and my underwear) can't wait to find out."

Thursday, December 30, 2004


noun. A situation or state characterized by cluster-fucking or a cluster-fuck--and maybe even a Philadelphia ratfuck.

Related terms: bumble-fuckitude, sick-fuckitude, what-the-fuckitude.

Real citation: "We had debated whether to eat alone, because large groups descending on restaurants without prior notice can often result in extreme cluster-fuckitude. "
(Dichronic Reflections, November 11, 2002,

Made-up citation: "Follow the way of the Tao (and don't drive in Boston) and you shall avoid all cluster-fuckitude."


noun. A robotic-yet-seductive bucket of bolts and sex appeal.

Real citation: "Still, what's making this series so watchable is the 50/50 split between gurgling imbeciles and uptight tossers. With that in mind, and since it's Tuesday morning, let me predict the events for the rest of the week: on Wednesday, dim robo-seductress Michelle bared her breasts, then her bottom, then her breasts again, in exchange for a 10 pence IOU from Victor. "
(Charlie Brooker, "I'd rather watch Marco sicking up on the swings," Guardian Unlimited,

Made-up citation: "I got a robo-seductress for Christmas...I just hope she holds up better than my smoothie machine."

Wednesday, December 29, 2004


noun. A dance of spermatic proportions, resembling the beginning of life (or possibly the waltz).

Real citation: "The only time I laughed last night was, after remembering his sperm-wiggle from that previous ep, trying to imagine how Homer explained The Act to Bart. Other than that, I didn't even smile ONCE last night. "
(Kaboom, "The Simpsons," Nov. 15, 2004, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "The sperm-wiggle scene isn't quite as large as the contra dancing community, but it has its place."


adj. The essence of what being a butthole is all about.

Related words: buttholitude, buttholishness.

Real citation: "In other news, stupid Mr. Werner has gone overboard. He wants me to work Thursday and Friday. As if I don’t have enough to do already. He taxes my soul with his buttholery."
(GeniusPoetGrrrl_34, March 20, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Yes, I have a long history of buttholery, and true, I don't know shit from shinola, but I am very clear on the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad."

Tuesday, December 28, 2004


noun. The fact--usually a male fact--of being a doofus.

Related terms: anushood, asshood, badsasshood, bimbohood, butthood, damselhood, dickheadhood, dildohood, dorkhood, douchehood, dumbasshood, dweebhood, evil genius-hood, fuckheadhood, geekhood, harlothood, hoserhood, hunkhood, liarhood, loserhood, lushhood, motherfuckerhood, nerdhood, robothood, shitheadhood, skankhood, sleazehood, sluthood, sphincterhood, stonerhood, strumpethood, studhood, weeniehood, zombiehood.

Real citation: "Perhaps it is just because I am a male, but I don't see the pattern of universal male doofushood that you have seen. Perhaps you live in a defective area, or for some reason only know defective men."
(Grant Gould, Nov. 6, 2003,

Made-up citation: "My manhood may be in question, but my doofushood is beyond reproach."


present participle. Opening up wide for an airborne eyeball of fun.

Real citation: "Two zombie breasts. Six dead bodies. Blood-spewing. Zombie detached-hand attack. Hand spearing. Hand sawing. Flying-eyeball swallowing. Fruit-cellar demon attacks. Zombie axing. Heads roll. Hands roll. Everything rolls. Glopola City."
("Evildead 2: Dead by Dawn," from Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide,

Made-up citation: "Listen, the flying-eyeball-swallowing has been fun, but next time, let's just go out for doughnuts."

Monday, December 27, 2004


noun. 1. A female cannibal who is probably cute, diminutive, and frightening. 2. A female member of the press.

Real citation: "Not to mention one cannibalette. That would be Jackie MacMullan of the Boston Globe, who spanked Manny Rameriz for keeping the bat on his shoulder too much after Boston's twelve-inning 6-4 victory in game four."
(Stewart O'Nan, Faithful: Two Diehard Boston Red Sox Fans Chronicle the Historic 2004 Season)

Made-up citation: "I don't really think of my little girl as a rabid, human-flesh-chomping sociopath who should be put down like a dog. To me, she's just an adorable cannibalette trying to find her way in the world."


noun. Sex bomb.

Real citation: "What makes the issue extra nice is two friends and someone closer than a friend have articles in the issue. Holly Brubach, writing about that teenage Italian sex-grenade whose memoir was a bestseller in Europe; Suzanna Andrews on Huntington Hartford, the debonair millionaire who was leading a Trump lifestyle when The Donald was still in diapers; and a beautiful piece about fragrance designer Jo Malone, whose Black Vetyver Cafe cologne I dab lightly on my wrists whenever I need Inspiration."
(James Wolcott, "VF-ARAMA," Nov. 8, 2004,

Made-up citation: "I've never dated a sex-grenade, but I have dated a few sex-pepper-sprays."

Friday, December 24, 2004


adj. Douche-tastic; douche-ish; douche-esque; douche-y; douche-like; douche-tacular; freakin' awful.

Real citation: "Douche-er-iffic!
My friend Billy Manes writes an uproariously witty column for Orlando Weekly, in which he interviewed some actor with a band named "Jared Leto" in, what a coincidence, December of 2002. It's really funny. It seems I've heard of this actor...not sure where. Oh well."
(Lindsay Robertson, "Douche-er-iffic!," Nov. 18, 2004,

Made-up citation: "I wouldn't say I feel like a depressed doofus during the holidays--more like a douche-er-iffic douchebag."


adj. American.

Real citation: "We're Infidel-ightful!"
(Rob Bates, "New Slogans for America to Use to Sell Itself to the Islamic World," McSweeney's,

Made-up citation: "I can feel it--this is going to be the most infidel-ightful Christmas ever."

Thursday, December 23, 2004


adj. Just a little benevolent.

Real citation: "While I consider myself to be a benevolent-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures: Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand color-coded crime alert system!"
(Phil Ken Sebben, "Blackwatch Plaid," Harvey Birdman, January 1, 2004)

Made-up citation: "Since I'm feeling benevolent-ish, my assistant Mr. Ouchy will amputate only one thingy. Your pick!"


adj. Unmanly, but in a more casual sense.

Related words: dudism, dudery, dudeliness, dudedom, dudeness, dudette, dudess, dude-ish, dude-esque, duditude, dudeapalooza, dudeful, dude food, nude dude, uberdude, megadude, superdude, mini-dude.

Real citation: "Texting is a truly tricky form for the ironist - very brief texts are difficult to make ironic simply because it's difficult to inject many layers into seven words. However, if you write a very long text, because it's such a bugger to do, your extra effort suggests a sincerity - an undudelike urge to be understood - that sits all wrong with the irony. To get round this, forms like "(!)" and "Not" and "have evolved", but they're pretty dumb and basic."
("The final irony,"

Made-up citation: "If it's undudelike to drink bubble tea and listen to Blondie, then I renounce dudehood."

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

holy mother of monkey

exclamation. A more motherly, simian version of "holy shit."

Related terms: holy baby monkeys, holy butt monkey, holy frikkin’ monkeys, holy monkey balls, holy monkey bladders, holy monkey bollocks, holy monkey breath, holy monkey butt, holy monkey crap, holy monkey fuck, holy monkey nuggets, holy monkey shit, holy monkey spunk, holy mother bunnies, holy mother god, holy mother Molson, holy mother of all creation, holy mother of all that’s good and right, holy mother of Bob, holy mother of Cheese Whiz, holy mother of crap, holy mother of dog, holy mother of gawd, holy mother of God and all things holy, holy mother of Groucho, holy mother of hell, holy mother of jabbering God, holy mother of mercy, holy mother of monkey poo, holy mother of monkey shit, holy mother of pearl, holy mother of squick, holy mother of whores, holy motherfuck, holy sweet monkey dung hairs.

Real citation: "holy mother of monkey is it ever WINDY today!"
(Jutecat, Oct. 15, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Holy sweet mother of monkey! That's a good pickle."


noun. A sad state of literal or metaphorical wankery.

Real citation: "You are the quarry is not as good no where near as fucking good as the smiths. But its still better than alot of god awful wankosity that gets released. Plus it was the return of morrisey. Which is fine by me. "
(Goit, Aug. 18, 2004,

Made-up citation: "There were so many crappy, soul-sucking, self-esteem-shredding aspects of grad school, but I think the wankosity was the worst of them all."

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


noun. An orgasmic, spooky outpouring of ectoplasm and other ishy goo.

Real citation: “Oh, I loved it! I'm totally squicked--ectoplasmgasm in the mouth would require an entire tube of toothpaste--but it was fantastic!”
(Aldalindil, “Livejournal,”

Made-up citation: “How many Elizabeth Barrett Browning poems rhyme 'ectoplasmgasm' and 'terrifying spasm'?"


noun. 1. A state of being in sorta-great shape. 2. Semi-nudity.

Real citation: "Yesterday at work a bizarre thought occurred to me. A little voice in my head, the one that was responsible for my once quasi-buffitude, poked its head out from the rubbish I had piled on top of it and asked me, 'Why don't you go the YMCA today after work?'"
("girls have pecs, too," July 11, 2000,

Made-up citation: "Though quasi-buffitude seems out of reach, I think I can avoid a horrific Jabba-the-Hutt-like mega-blobitude."

Monday, December 20, 2004


noun. The qualities, features, lifestyle, essence, wardrobe, and/or lurid details of being a nun.

Related terms: nunitude, nunosity, priestliness, popeliness, lawyerliness, dudeliness, dorkliness, boobliness, turdliness, scumliness, suckliness, fuckliness, crapliness, shitheadliness.

Real citation: "Of course Buffy dusts the vamp in the end, and approaches the nun who is cowering on the ground. Buffy helps her up and starts to grill her about nunliness and 'abjuring the company of men.'"
(Ace, "Triangle," Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Did I say lunch was chock full o' nunliness? I meant 'numminess.'"


noun. As peesome threesomes are to gruesome twosomes, so is a triple-ganger to a doppelganger.

Real citation: "UPDATE: Several readers write in to clarify. One says, "That picture is not 'the' Rod Stewart doppelganger I see regularly on the F Train and at the NYSC in the Crowne Plaza and going to work somewhere in or near the Times building. So maybe there's a triple-ganger somewhere." Developing!"
("Rod Stewart Doppelganger Update: Have You Seen This Man?" Dec. 2, 2004, Gawker,

Made-up citation: "I've been coping quite well with my evil twin, but now that my dastardly triple-ganger has emerged, life sucks."

Sunday, December 19, 2004


present participle. Trading or trafficking in penguins.

Related words: fear-mongering, hate-mongering, rumor-mongering, war-mongering, scare-mongering, hype-mongering, threat-mongering, peace-mongering, slogan-mongering, blame-mongering, panic-mongering, excuse-mongering, coup-mongering, scandal-mongering, communist-mongering, power-mongering, terror-mongering, noise-mongering, profit-mongering, ballad-mongering, nostalgia-mongering, list-mongering, malaise-mongering, fad-mongering, sleaze-mongering, doom-mongering, victim-mongering, gossip-mongering, publicity-mongering, conspiracy-mongering, sailor-mongering.

Real citation: "No. either fishmongering or even penguinmongering"
(Regal Eagle,

Made-up citation: "Though I do wish penguins were as plentiful and giddy as potholes around here, I don't think these accusations of penguin-mongering are well-founded."


adj. Roughly equivalent to "bootylicious."

Related words: bodaciously-boobed, bodaciously-buttocked, bootknockingly bootylicious.

Real citation: "Halle Berry has obviously started something with her lead role in the forthcoming Catwoman film - now the bodaciously-bottomed Jennifer Lopez wants a crack at playing Wonder Woman."
("Locked And Lo-aded," June 19, 2004,

Made-up citation: "I'll never be bodaciously-bottomed. I'll have to settle for terribly-topped."

Saturday, December 18, 2004

bootleg exorcism

noun. An exorcism performed by a priest (or other enterprising person) who has not been officially appointed to spray holy water and drive demonic beings out of their earthly hosts.

Real citation: "Up until the mid-1990s, there were only one or two officially appointed priests in the United States. As of 1994, my best sources tell me there was only one. Now there are a dozen closing in on 15. There was a tremendous demand for official exorcisms, yet people couldn't get them. What happened then was that a flourishing underground exorcism movement arose within Roman Catholicism where maverick priests would wind up doing bootleg exorcisms. It was the second best thing. "
(Michael W. Cuneo interviewed by Suzy Hansen, "The Devil's playthings," Salon,

Made-up citation: "I put my daughter through Catholic high school selling bootleg exorcisms on eBay."

motherless fuck

noun. A motherfucker/bastard.

Real citation: "What's this motherless fuck's name?"
(Tony Soprano, "Pax Soprana," Feb. 14, 1999, The Sopranos)

Made-up citation: "On Mother's Day, I told that motherless fuck that his mama's so dumb, she got stabbed in a gunfight."

Friday, December 17, 2004


noun. A dangerous breed, usually found in drooling hordes.

Real citation: "So one of my lurvely family members has decided that it's just awful my daughters have blogs (with photos, ack ack ack!!!) and has tattled on us to Grandma. Grandma has complained to Jeff about our lax parenting. Pretty girls! With blogs! OMG, stalkers! Cyberstalkers! Psychocyberstalkerpervs!"
(Paula Light, "Risk assessment," Ultrablog,

Made-up citation: "I believe the psychocyberstalkerpervs are the future."


noun. A more childish and child-friendly version of "apeshit."

Real citation: "We have some new rules and regulations that you’re just going to go ape-poopy for."
(Principal Skinner, “They Saved Lisa’s Brain,” May 19, 1999, The Simpsons)

Made-up citation: "The words 'problematic' and 'governance' drive me seven shades of ape-poopy."

Thursday, December 16, 2004


adj. Soaked in a delicate broth of angry male hormones.

Related terms: testosterone-pumped, testosterone-based, testosterone-fueled, testosterone-driven, testosterone-crazed, testosterone-soaked, testosterone-choked, testosterone-laden, testosterone-suffused, testosterone-centric, testosterone-powered, testosterone-friendly, testosterone-jacked, testosterone-gorged, testosterone-enraged, testosterone-poisoned, testosterone-injected, testosterone-oozing, testosterone-spilling, testosterone-spewing, testosterone-spraying, testosterone-spitting, testosterone-radiating, testosterone-sucking, testosterone-mongering.

Real citation: "Who knows when, or why, or how it all came about, but men historically have taken the lead when it comes to grilling. That being the case, the sport of grilling has come to be dominated by images of chest-pounding, fire-breathing, testosterone-marinated men out minding the fire while the women stay a safe distance back."
(Golda's Kitchen,

Made-up citation: "Our testosterone-marinated chicken salad is pleasing to the palate and the libido."


noun. Mounds, handles, and unidentified fatty objects that protrude or swing like yo-yo's from the bodies of men.

Related terms: old-man flab, old-white-man flab, girly-man flab, man-whore, man-spat, man-crush, man-pole, man-diapers, man-beast, man-love, man-toy, man-package, man-pile, man-smell, man-boobs, man-breasts, man-tits, man-teats, man-witch, man-flesh, man-root, man-balls, man-ape, man-leech, man-sphinx, man-fiend, manhole, mankind, manscaping, man-hours, man-eater, man cave, man purse, man bag.

Real citation: "Maybe you could take my man-flab off my hands. Er, off my chest that is."
(Lonewhacko, Nov. 4, 2002,

Made-up citation: "I'm winning the battle with man-flab, but I'm losing the battle with man-diapers."

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


noun. A belief system based on the goodness, badness, or something else-ness of humps or humping.

Related terms: humpist, hump-ish, humpy, humpfest, humporama, hump-happy.

Real citation: "humpism is not something to be proud of, lower-case lisey. the two-humped camels of this world have endured enough trauma already, i think it's about time you got over your bias and admit the equality of the two-humped camels. they will toil in your deserts unappreciated no longer!!"
(lower-case chris, Feb. 27, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Though it is hump day, that doesn't mean you can hump me. That is not the true meaning of humpism."


noun. A serious case of dumbass, butthole-type behavior.

Related terms: buttmuncher, buttmunching, buttmunchy, buttmunchery.

Real citation: "So Mad Props to Reggie Sanders and all the others who went out of their way to make this kid feel special in spite of an act of royal buttmunchitude."
(Gogo, "Mad poops," June 16, 2004,

Made-up citation: "I think it was Frank Zappa who said, 'There is more buttmunchitude in the universe than oxygen.'"

Tuesday, December 14, 2004


noun. A serious state of lameness; a lameass situation; a lame thing that is totally ass; a multitude of suckitude.

Related words: ample assedness, assedness, bad-assedness, bare-assedness, big-assedness, brew-assedness, broke-assedness, busted-assedness, candied-assedness, candy-assedness, cheap-assedness, cold-assedness, crack-assedness, crap-assedness, crazed-assedness, crazy-assedness, cute naked assedness, Disney-kiss-my-assedness, draggy-assedness, drool-assedness, droopy-assedness, dumbassedness, fancy assedness, fat-assedness, fatty-assedness, financial-kick-assedness, flat-assedness, foot-up-assedness, freaky-assedness, geek-assedness, general-wise-assedness, half-assedness, hard-assedness, haul-assedness, head-in-the-assedness, head-up-assedness, head-up-their-assedness, horse-assedness, iron-rod-up-one's-assedness, jackassedness, kick-assedness, King of the World-assedness, lard-assedness, lazy assedness, long-assedness, masculine-assedness, mean-assedness, nasty assedness, near-brush-with-great-assedness, no-assedness, non-fat assedness, pain-in-the-assedness, pansy-assedness, pissy-assedness, pompous assedness, pretentious assedness, punk-assedness, red-assedness, slack-assedness, slap-assedness, smart-assedness, sorry-assedness, stick-up-their-assedness, stubborn-assedness, stupid assedness, suck-assedness, super-bad-assedness, superhalf-assedness, tight-assedness, ugly-assedness, up-my-assedness, weak-assedness, weird-assedness, whiny-assedness, whoop-assedness, wise-assedness.

Real citation: "One cannot cure lame-assedness with lame-assedness."
(QueenAnne, "The Rambaldi Files: Speculations with Spoilers," Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Sometimes, lame-assedness can be cured only with patience and a goddamn big hammer."

go bazonkers

verb. Go bonkers; go postal; go mental; go nuts; go wacky; go OJ; go apeshit; go batshit.

Real citation: "I heard about all these night clubs, and how they're pretty fun, but I know my mom will go bazonkers on me if I go to those, and I don't know who I'll really hang out with."
(Peter Byeon, June 28, 2002,

Made-up citation: "'I go bazonkers for canoli' isn't a catchy slogan, but it works for me."

Monday, December 13, 2004


noun. Recipient of slobber, whether sexually-motivated or canine-propelled.

Related terms: admiree, anus lickee, avengee, ball lickee, beatifee, besmirchee, betrayee, bitee, brainsuckee, burnee, car-jackee, clobberee, cock and ball torturee, complimentee, consumee, counselee, cradle-robee, crapee, crushee, decapitatee, disectee, disparagee, downsizee, excommunicatee, exorcisee, filmee, fist fuckee, floodee, Frenchee, gawkee, giftee, golden showeree, gropee, headee, impeachee, killee, kissee, lecturee, lickee, likee, litigatee, lustee, massagee, mindfuckee, moldee, molestee, moochee, motivatee, mugee, murderee, nursee, obsessee, oglee, peggee, pervee, pervertee, piercee, pimpee, pissee, poopee, predatee, promotee, purse-snatchee, regiftee, reprimandee, scoldee, shagee, shitee, skullfuckee, slashee, smoochee, smotheree, sniffee, snitchee, spankee, stabee, stalkee, staree, theftee, toe-suckee, undressee, whackee, yoinkee.

Real citation: "If you’re worried your fiancee will resent him, fine—but please tell me it’s not that she’ll fall for the leering coot. Granted, it happens, but you don’t prevent that by speaking to/scolding/muzzling Dad. You talk to your fiancee. As her future father-in-law’s designated slobberee, she has an opinion, I promise. Ask it, trust her to share it completely, then, together, decide what to do. "
(Caroline Hax, "Tell me about it,"

Made-up citation: "If you will be my slobberee, I will be your chimpanzee."


adj. Cuddle-monkey-oriented.

Real citation: "'She was unhappy, tired and feeling unloved. Those are bad odds for fidelity to begin with; add alcohol, and I can understand completely why it happened. Recipe for relationshipular disaster.'--One girl, to another, in the restroom of Cafe Pressario"
(Eve, Feb. 21, 2001, In Passing,

Made-up citation: "Though I have strong mathematical and spatial intelligence, when it comes to all things relationshipular, I am a 24-carat moron."

Sunday, December 12, 2004


noun. An insult applicable to those--including but not limited to penguins--with a certain pear-shaped posterior.

Related terms: assbutt, lardbutt, blubberbutt, bubblebutt, puckerbutt, wafflebutt, butthead, buttbreath, butthole, buttmunch, buttwipe.

Real citation: "Lonely women waiting...a recharged bachelorhood...and a stable hairline at fifty! I'm back, pearbutt!"
(Steve Dallas, Opus, Dec. 5, 2004)

Made-up citation: "What will it take to turn my pearbutt into an ass o' steel?"


present participle. Thong-flaunting; thong-wearing; thong-displaying; thong-mongering; thongariffic.

Real citation: "Undiverted, Alfred observed that what happened between the chief executive and the thong-twanging intern, though inappropriate and, yes, icky, was consenual; Schwarzenegger's advances weren't."
(James Wolcott, "Bungle in the Jungle," page 212, Attack Poodles, 2004)

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'all women are thong-twanging strumpets, and all men are leg-humping shitbags.'"

Saturday, December 11, 2004

peesome threesome

noun. A free-peeing trio.

Real citation: "Restroom requirement eludes peesome threesome... 9:02 p.m. The combined intellectual prowess and bladder bandwidth of three men combined to pee-soak the front of a downtown variety store. Two of the three urine hobbyists were arrested."
(Kevin L. Hoover, "Arcata Police Log - July 7, 2003," The Arcata Eye,

Made-up citation: "The Three Tenors were thiiiis close to calling themselves the Peesome Threesome."


present participle. Becoming more godly, god-ish, god-esque, god-y, god-friendly, god-fearing, bible-thumping, Jesus-humping, faith-based--and even religious.

Real citation: "For an update on the goddening of America, we turn to 'Faith the Nation.'"
(Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, Nov. 17, 2004)

Made-up citation: "My mom always says, 'If the goddening spreads to my brain, send me to the nuthouse.'"

Friday, December 10, 2004

doped to the nines

idiom. Mega-doped; super-drugged; fucking drunk; totally spaced; high as a really high thing.

Related terms: dressed to the nines, doped to the gills, doped to the eyeballs, doped to the eyebrows, doped to the hairline, doped to the tits, doped to the bone, doped to the ski-masks, doped to the core, doped to the clouds, doped to the hilt, doped to the max, doped to the high heavens.

Real citation: "Not so in the good ol' U S of A. Over there they have taxpayers money pumped into over-funded institutions filled with bearded hippies doped to the nines. When they aren't smoking joints or saying "Gee" these men perform bizarre experiments. The one featured here which I assure you is completely and utterly genuine, is a group of guys who held a cat up to hundreds of pictures of men, to see if they reacted differently to bearded and non-bearded men. "
("UCLA Hippies!"

Made-up citation: "I haven't been doped to the nines in my entire life. I made it to the sixes a few times though."


adj. Full of dread for that long, nummy, yellow fruit that is sometimes a metaphor.

Real citation: "I wish dp would eat banana. He is banana-phobic and won't come downstairs when I or dd eat one. Means we can't have them very often. "
(lucy123, "Mumsnet Discussions," Nov. 24, 2003,

Made-up citation: "My mom is banana-phobic and my dad is rutabaga-petrified. No wonder I'm screwed up."

Thursday, December 09, 2004


noun. An even more microscopic and emasculating form of shrinkage, whether of the weenie or nonphysical qualities. Also: major shrivelage, maximum shrivelage, mega-shrivelage, peener shrivelage.

Real citation: "Ok, so first off- EW!! I totally did not need to hear about your shrivelage! Secondly, why the FUCK would you tell that to a total stranger on the bus? And also? 'Manhood'? Who says 'manhood'?"
("How did I manage to ingore lj for a few days?" Jan. 30, 2004, Snark Hunting of Extraordinary Caliber, )

Made-up citation: "Though my hoo-hoo-dilly is an excellent specimen, years of grad school have left with me with severe shrivelage of the soul."

holy deep-dish fuck

exclamation. A deeper, dishier, more fuckish version of "holy shit."

Real citation: "Then they called, and ordered me to report to the J. Edgar Hoover Building in two weeks. I was hired, they said. Holy deep-dish fuck! Apparently I was going to live in FBI dorms, would be paid twelve grand per year, and they would put me through college. And after I'd earned my law degree I would be groomed to become an agent. I still can't believe it..."
(Oct. 31, 2003, The State of my Fat Ass,

Made-up citation: "Holy deep-dish fuck! That's a cheap Peking duck."

Wednesday, December 08, 2004


noun. A hissy fit/snit for two.

Related terms: hissy fit, hissy-snit, hissified, snit fit, hissy snit fit, pissy hissy snit-fit, conniption fit.

Real citation: "Shrieking mad Julia Roberts flipped her cork and flung hubby Danny Moder's PHONE at him during a hissy-spat at a pal's pad! Danny had left home to spend a few hours outside a buddy's house, helping him repair a racecar. Suddenly, Julia drove up, screeched to a stop and rocketed out of the car, screaming, "WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR #&@$^! CELL PHONE? . . . What's the #&@* point of having a #*$@!^ cell ...... "
("Julia explodes after hubby cuts cell-phone leash," The National Enquirer/Star,

Made-up: "We were having an intellectual discussion, not a hissy-spat!


noun. The very romantic act of fondling one's own tushie.

Related terms: Buttgate.

Real citation: "Sully's been taking a lot of heat for this auto-assplay after Maher's show this weekend. But you know what they say: If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. "
("Sullivan Approaches from the Rear," Nov. 9, 2004, Wonkette,

Made-up citation: "Auto-assplay, like smoking, is prohibited in the library."

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


noun. A talent for detecting highly-evolved sex monkeys.

Related terms: gaydar, straightdar, bi-dar, dykedar, Hindu-dar, Jewdar, fagdar, queerdar, homodar, hickdar, loserdar, boob-dar, penis-dar, big dick-dar, hair-dar, porn-dar, sex-dar, food-dar, sleep-dar, money dar, ho-dar, slut-dar, babe-dar, virgin-dar, jailbaitdar, hottie-dar, weirdo-dar, jerk-dar, moron-dar, ass-dar, asshole-dar, Pretentious Club-going New York Assholedar, "someone is staring at my ass"-dar.

Real citation: "Dear woopwoopkitty (woopwoopkitty?), Mr. Spader should be pinging your gaydar, straightdar, bi-dar, sexual geniusdar. From what I've read, he basically views sex as The Final Frontier--something of crucial and central importance to be explored."
(idwtgtb, "Boston Legal," Nov. 9, 2004, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "My sexual-geniusdar must be on the fritz; all I ever meet are sexual shitheads."


adj. Wise in the ways of the vulva.

Real citation: “This straightforward guide to cunnilingus explains everything from odor to orgasms with earnest, educated wit. And while the vulva-savvy woman may already know that "the female orgasm is a complicated affair ... requiring persistent stimulation, concentration, and relaxation," there are few men that wouldn't benefit from the female-centric philosophy and techniques that Kerner advocates.”
(Corrie Pikul, “Go down, young men!” Salon,

Made-up citation: "It doesn't take a vulva-savvy vixen to know that any word with four V's is pretty cool."

Monday, December 06, 2004


noun. Roughly equivalent to "schmoopsie-woopsie-poo."

Also: pookie-wookie, schnookie-wookie, pookie-wookie-wuv, pookie-wookie-wuggums, pookie-wookie-waggums-woo, pookie wookie shnookems, pookie wookie bear, pookie-wookie boo-boo bear, pookie wookie butter bear, pookie-wookie-schmookie-bear, pookie wookie kissy wissy face, sugar-dumplings-pudding-cups-pookie-wookie-woo, pookie wookie cookie, pookie wookie dookie, pookie wookie pumpkin pie, pookie pookie poo, pookie wookie wookie poo poo poo, pookie-wookie-ness.

Real citation:
"oh now i get how this shit works
i am soooo smart
im not on the list but that means im being kept =)
I love my pookie wookie woo"
(xdysfunctionx, August 11, 2003, Livejournal,

Made-up citation: "Why can't I find a penguin-abusing, poop-chute-friendly, plumber's-crack-defying pookie-wookie-woo in Pittsburgh?"


noun. A grandchild--especially a demonic, greenish, slithery, horned, multi-tentacled, apocalypse-bringing-on grandchild.

Real citation: "Well, congratulations…you’re gonna have a grandspawn."
(Charles Gunn, "Players," March 26, 2003, Angel)

Made-up citation: "When your grandspawn sprang from my loins, I was just happy I had some holy water and the cheese grater handy."

Sunday, December 05, 2004


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noun. An orgasmic, spasmatic outburst.

Related term: ectoplasmgasm.

Real citation: “Another not-so-nice situation was recently discovered by a guy named Robert J. Jordan, who was denied a job as police officer in New London, Connecticut for being too smart. You might have noticed the media spasmgasm over this: After the department told him that he "didn't fit the profile," Jordan slapped the NLPD with an anti-discrimination suit.”
(Richard Christiano, “Briefing #5: Fitting the Profile,

Made-up-citation: "Did the Red Sox give my dad a happy this year? More like a spasmgasm."

Saturday, December 04, 2004


adj. Crappy. Like, really ding-dong-diddily crappy.

Real citation: "I took pictures, but they mostly turned out crap-diddly-tastic."
(Calamity, "Canadian Idol," Oct. 16, 2004, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "I hate people who say "proble-fucking-matic" when they mean "crap-diddly-tastic."


noun. 1. Someone who prays to and follows the sacred commandments of a particular rabbit, all rabbits, the Easter bunny, or another rabbit-like deity. 2. An overenthusiastic Easter-celebrater.

Real citation: "However, you should keep some things in mind. People in chats hate idiots. If you're gonna be an idiot, and harass other people, and use vulgar language, and be mean to them, and generally act like a dreaded Bunny-Worshipper, then do not use Our Holy Doors. If you use Our doors and then act like an idiot in the chat, you will get bad Karma and the Mighty Gerbil Deities will hate you forever, and you will become fodder for the Demonic Bunnies, and Dwarf Hamsters will nibble at your toes for eternity in Hell (and that causes excruciating pain!!), and you will never, EVER get laid, and you'll get fired at work and everybody will hate you and think you are ugly and stupid and mean and they will say bad things about you behind your back AND in front of you, too. We're not joking!!!"
("Our Holy Chat Doors," The Church of Gerbil of Canada,

Made-up citation: "Beware the bunny-worshipper. Help the hamster-worshipper. Respect the rat-worshipper. Chasten the chinchilla-worshipper."

Friday, December 03, 2004


adj. Said of information that has been spun in advance--to save time and fight evildoers.

Real citation: “This administration only wants to deal with intelligence that’s been vetted to support decisions they’ve already made. They’re tired of having to repeatedly misinterpret information the CIA gives them, so from now on intelligence will arrive at the White House pre-misinterpreted. It just streamlines the process, Jon.”
(Rob Corddry, The Daily Show, Nov. 17, 2004)

Made-up citation: "Never misunderestimate the pre-misinterpreting power of love."


verb. To become (or make something) less offensive to the nose.

Real citation: "So, this morning, I go down to the garage to check the car out. I figure by this time, the odor molecules have had at least 12 hours to de-smellify. I open the car door--like a punch in the face, the stench hits me. It’s almost as if it had gained strength throughout the night."
(Jerry Seinfeld, "The Smelly Car," Seinfeld, April 14, 1993)

Made-up citation: "It's hard to de-smellify your apartment when you can't smell a fucking thing, including gas leaks and former bananas."

Thursday, December 02, 2004


interjection. Sproingy cartoon sound made by suddenly erect nipples (or other fun appendages).

Real citation: "When you get a funnie feeling in your cat-box and/or you get COLD! your nipples go wa-boing!"
(anna and crystal, Jan. 15, 2003, "nipping out,"

Made-up citation: "With the Alaska-level air conditioning in this office, it's a wa-boing-a-palooza today."


adj. Simply giddy about our long, slithery, lizardy friends.

Real citation: "A snake-happy Angelina Jolie for a mother, a one-eyed, misogynistic father, Jared Leto in heavy eyeliner -- Oliver Stone flexes his brain to unriddle the great, bisexual conquerer."
(Stephanie Zacharek, "Alexander," Salon,

Made-up citation: "Snake-happy Steve Irwin has been known to say stuff about deadly reptiles like, 'What a ripper!' and 'You're a grumpy little Sheila!'"

Tuesday, November 30, 2004


noun. A state of being characterized by fuckheadedness.

Real citation: "Bob displayed his usual fuckheaditude when he forgot to pick up milk on the way home as his wife had asked."
(Paula Light, email message, Nov. 13, 2004)

Made-up citation: "Not every fuckhead has fuckheaditude, just as not every meathead has meat."


noun. Women.

Real citation: "The WaPo takes a look deep inside its own navel today, and apparently the non-white- and non-men-type-people over there are getting restless in the light of a promotion of some white dude to the vacant managing editor slot."
("WaPo: White People In Favor of Fewer Stories," Nov. 19, 2004, Wonkette,

Made-up citation: "According to George Carlin, all penis-possessors are stupid and all non-men-type-people are insane."

Monday, November 29, 2004


adj. Having a fully-extended, prominently-puffed-out mammary region.

Related terms: chesty, thrustage, chest-thrustage, boob-thrustage, hip-thrustage, pelvic-thrustage.

Real citation: "I am about ten years too old not to bristle when somebody calls me dude. I get all chest-thrusty to hint that "Hey, man, I'm a girl." In that context, man is gender neutral too."
(Maggie Balistrieri, "Sub: Dude," Nov. 8, 2004, Cafe Mo,

Made-up citation: "If that asswipe gets all chest-thrusty about philosophy and fuck-all one more time, I am gonna kick him in the ding-ding."

senior exorcist

noun. An experienced exorcist who has administrative duties in addition to the daily routine of driving demons from their host bodies.

Real citation: "Fr Gabriel Amorth is the well respected senior exorcist of Rome."

Made-up citation: "If I don't make senior exorcist this year, I'm going to grad school."

Sunday, November 28, 2004


noun. A banana hammock that is bursting at the seams with swollen manhood, not integrity.

Real citation: "Even if you were never a regular of WWF's hour of sweaty, pseudo-Speedo bedecked male wrestlers, you probably knew the name: Hulk Hogan. Hogan, famous for wresting a scanty yellow tank top from his well built upper torso, later surprised many fans of the wrestling world by admitting he had taken steroids. Unfortunately, Hogan's use of these drugs is but one part of a growing trend found largely among men today to use testosterone or testosterone-related supplements for the purpose of improving athletic ability or physical appearance."
(Nina Cann-Woode, "INNOVATION: We'll make a man out of you - AndroGel cream revives steroid health concerns," The Stanford Daily,

Made-up citation: "Around these parts, Casual Friday is only a prelude to Pseudo-speedo Saturday."


present participle. Slurping up of that yummy-yet-diverse wet stuff that comes out of people and other critters.

Real citation: "Those with input as the series closes down are most definitely boys. He's dispatched his werewolf girlfriend Nina (Jenny Mollen) on a jet plane and has turned to his own inner circle. Lorne, Gunn, Wes, and Spike ("I'm not wearing any amulets!") all join in with Angel's plan (and he does have one, despite his seeming corruption by absolute power these past few weeks), during a ritual agreement bit that closes the penultimate episode "Power Play" to fight the power, namely, the Circle of the Black Thorn, those grisly, extreme demons who do the Senior Partners' work on earth -- including those present as Angel's "initiation," the bodily-fluids-imbibing Vail (Dennis Christopher), pasty Archduke Sebassis (Leland Crooke), and slippery Senator Bruckner (Stacey Travis). "
(Cynthia Fuchs, "Forever," Reel Images Magazine,

Made-up citation: "Bodily-fluids-imbibing is a gross hobby, sure, but it can't be much worse than pea-soup-making."

Saturday, November 27, 2004

patron anorexic cokehead twin

noun. A wispy, two-of-a-kind coke monkey that answers prayers for other wispy, two-of-a-kind coke monkeys.

Related terms: patron saint, patron disaster-twin, patron douchegirl, patron skank, primordial skank.

Real citation: "Saturday is officially the Best Day Ever In The History Of New York. Why? Obviously because that's when our patron anorexic cokehead twin, Mary-Kate Olsen, returns to our open arms and gets back to doing whatever it is she does here. Skipping classes and not eating, we think. Whatever, we're just SO HAPPY TO HAVE HER BACK."
("Mary-Kate Still Loves Us," Oct. 27, 2004,

Made-up citation: "If you pray to America's patron anorexic cokehead twin, you'll get a bag of the good stuff and no sandwiches under your pillow."


noun. A sad condition, with no laptops to be found.

Real citation: "I've just picked up one of these little Averatechs after many years of laptoplessness and several months of shopping around. My primary considerations: cheap, reasonably durable, and light/small. I mainly needed something for maximally-portable wireless ..."
(lossf, "A good inexpensive solution," Sept. 18, 2004,,

Made-up citation: "Due to my laptoplessness, I am enjoying very little toplessness in the airport."

Friday, November 26, 2004


noun. A bad, bad mommy.

Real citation: "I can't tell where they're going with the Ava/Adrian thing. I'm not sure I want to know. Although I do agree that Ava's in a position to recognize another bad mother in Julia's horrendo-Mom. snarkella, I expect they learn the secret handshake at those Destructive Aggressive Mommies of the Nation Unite! meetings. "
(Sandman, Sept. 17, 2004, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "The screaming children on the airplane made me want to stick in fork in my eye, but I'd scream too if I had a horrendo-mom like that."


noun. A proliferation; a plethora; a whole bunch of something.

Real citation: “Tulsa is a unique international community, with ethnic and national groups of Africans, Hispanics, Jews, Muslims, Native Americans and many others It's a great place for students who want to experience an array of sporting, entertainment, and cultural activities Photos on this page courtesy of Don Sibley The rolling hills of northeastern Oklahoma are considered a sportsman's paradise, where a prolifera of wild life abound From the Spring National NHRA Drag Racing finals at the Tulsa International Raceway, Western Athletic Conference basketball, football , and other sports, the Tulsa Zoo, Tulsa Ballet Theatre, Tulsa Philharmonic, Tulsa Opera, local museums, annual jazz festivals, Bell's Amusement Park and Tulsa area parks and recreation areas, there is always plenty for students to see and do.”
(“Spartan,” Jayde,

Made-up citation: "Contrary to popular belief, prolifera is not a drug, and it will not help motivate your lethargic sperm."

Thursday, November 25, 2004

lickable fragrance product

noun. A tasty, smelly, romantic, tongue-worthy, uh...product.

Real citation: “Though she doesn't really need to, Jessica Simpson is counting calories for her two latest projects. The singer introduced her new line of lickable fragrance products this week, and she's also become a workout fiend to prepare for her upcoming feature-film debut. At New York's Sephora on Tuesday, Simpson said that she co-created Taste, the latest offshoot of her Dessert body-care line, to smell and taste like her favourite smells of childhood - especially the cake batter in the kitchen that signalled something tasty and decadent was on the way. ”
(“Simpsons Launches Lickable Fragrances,”, Oct, 7, 2004,

Made-up citation: “Schmoopy-poopy-woopy…your lickable fragrance product is so minty!”


noun. A female robot who speaks for other female robots.

Real citation: "Rice assured eager viewers every Parcells comeback game would be nationally televised. "Now that NFL Sunday Ticket is available on your PDA and can be beamed to the backs of the lens of your sunglasses," Rice said, "no one will miss a single second of Parcells grimacing on the sidelines or standing at midfield hugging someone he once stabbed in the back." A spokes-fembot for ABCCBSCNNCOMCASTNBCMSNBCFOX, which carries NFL games, predicted record ratings. "
(Gregg Easterbrook, “Tuesday Morning Quarterback,” Football Outsiders, November 18, 2003,

Made-up citation: "If you let your spokes-fembot be my girlfriend-bot, I'll let my howler monkey be your sex monkey."

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Leprechaun liberals, Scrooge McDuck, and sexual-fuckin-intercourse

“Liberal” is almost as dirty a word as “poo-gobbler” these days. Upon receiving the liberal label, most politicians’ skin sizzles and smokes like they were hit with holy water. Two of the more popular terms are “limousine liberal” and “latte liberal,” which remind me very much of other alliterative gems like “lipstick lesbian” and “lipstick librarian.” Though limousine-less, I’m a pretty liberal guy myself, and I think my fellow commie pinkos and surrender monkeys deserve a few new names—here’s a start: liverwurst liberals, Led Zeppelin liberals, la-la land liberals, lustbunny liberals, lounge lizard liberals, liquid lunch liberals, liver-lifter liberals, leprechaun liberals, lobster-liberator liberals, love handle liberals, leprosy liberals, lunar probe liberals, luchadore liberals, latchkey liberals, low-bandwidth liberals, and llama-licking liberals.

On most subjects, I don’t know diddly-squat. On many subjects, I don’t know diddly-shit. On some subjects, I don’t even know diddly-fuck. However, on a subject or two, I do know diddly-poo.

My favorite primate is the bonobo, a species that consists of—how do I put this delicately?—sex maniacs. Bonobos will have sex not only at the drop of a hat, but at the sale of a hat, the sight of a hat, the tipping of a hat, and even the adjusting of a hat. They do it heterosexually, homosexually, incestuously, and quite religiously, using many positions that some thought were unique to us human sex monkeys. Anyway, in the book Tree of Origin, Francis de Waal notes how these simian sexcapades make it hard for the boy bonobos to know whose spawn is whose. Then de Waal wrote this sentence, which I kind of enjoyed: “Male bonobos are obviously not keeping records; they are merely attracted to large, pink genital swellings.” Aren’t we all… On a non-bonobo note, my second favorite sentence this week is a brave admission by Ralph Wiggum: “I want to be a triangle.” Don’t we all…

Because somebody has to, I’ve noticed a great type of word: words with tudes, and I mean that literally. In my in-progress Dictionary of Words That Don’t Belong in Dictionaries, I’ve already included great words like “agro-goofitude” and “jackassitude,” and there are plenty I’ve found that might make the cut later, such as “funkitude,” “punkitude,” “hunkitude,” “girlitude,” “womanitude,” “barfitude,” “lunchitude,” “pornitude,” “hornitude,” “hottitude,” “lustitude,” “skankitude,” “stankitude,” “crotchitude,” “crapitude,” “creepitude,” “boobitude,” “orgasmitude,” “assholitude,” “buttholitude,” “what-the-fuckitude,” and—finally, the lovely and talented—“cluster-fuckitude.”

If a nutjob gave a blow job to a whackjob, and then the whackjob gave a knob job to the nutjob, would the economy improve?

Though I like lame ducks, lucky ducks, rubber ducks, dead ducks, black-bellied whistling ducks, ugly ducklings, and Scrooge McDuck just fine, my favorite duck will always be Peking duck.

Here’s a question for the guys out there: Do you bash the bishop or bash the banana? Usually, my blue-veined custard-chucker feels like a long yellow fruit, but occasionally it does seem like more of a high-ranking official of the Catholic church.

In Bill Casselman’s Canadian Sayings, there are plenty of colorful expressions, but few so intriguing as “He’s so sneaky, I wouldn’t trust him in a shithouse with a knife and fork.” I think we all know a few people—or relatives—who fit this disgusting bill, and thanks to Casselman, we have a new (or possibly old) way to introduce them to prospective employers. This expression is ripe for alteration, as there are a lot of other objects that we probably wouldn’t trust such a person with in the little boys’ or girls’ room, such as: an egg-beater, a vegomatic, tongs, tweezers, pliers, a strainer, chopsticks, salt and pepper shakers, an eye-dropper, a plate, a hammer, and a spoon.

The words of the week:
10) Chowderheaded
9) Pish-posh
8) Winkie-wiggling
7) Lickspittle
6) Schnockered
5) Brouhaha
4) Hog-bosom
3) Pre-misinterpreted
2) Sexual-fuckin-intercourse
1) Nunliness

One of my favorite clich├ęs is “spinning in your grave.” Maybe I have no respect for the dead, or maybe I just like things that spin (basketballs, tops, news stories, the little girl’s head in The Exorcist, etc.) a little too much, but I rather like the idea of the dearly departed having a post-mortem twirl. Sports announcers aren’t usually known for their creativity, but NBA studio commentator Charles Barkley has broken that stereotype by giving this already amusing expression a new, uh, spin: Sometime last year, after a spectacularly embarrassing Boston loss, Barkley insisted that Celtics (living) legends Larry Bird and Kevin McHale were spinning in their graves. On other nights, I’ve heard Barkley describe other pre-dead basketballers like Patrick Ewing and Julius Erving as doing similar post-life exercise routines. In the name of creativity and comedy, I think we should take a cue from Barkley and spread this broader and loonier usage like a VD. And if you don’t help me do so, I’ll be spinning in my grave all afternoon.

Monday, November 22, 2004


adj. Stained, soiled, smeared, or otherwise fouled by the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

Real citation: "Thank you for the perspective-inducing mental image, JM. You're right: American gays aren't swinging from the ends of ropes attached to cranes for wanting to have marital sex. As silver linings go, it's pretty thin, but I'm happy to have it.
I'm sorry to say, though, that you're going to read about politics in this week's column--but only because I'm running your letter, JM. And I'm only running it so that I can swear, on my santorum-smudged Bible, that I'm getting back to sex."
(Dan Savage, "Back to Sex," The Stranger, Nov. 18, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Better a santorum-smudged sock than a syrup-smeared sweatshirt, as Mom used to say."

at the whim of a hat

idiom. At the drop of a hat.

Real citation: “Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
(George W. Bush, “Bushism of the Day,” Slate, Sept. 17, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Fellow evil-doers, be ready to smite the money-humping freedom monkeys. Be ready at the whim of a hat!"

Sunday, November 21, 2004


noun. A situation characterized (or infested) by a wanker/asswipe. Also: wackass, whackass, whackassness, assitude, jackassitude, assholitude, buttholitude

Real citation: "I was wondering if you knew a word for this type of person.... I recently walked in on a guy wacking off in a public bathroom...would you say he had, extreme wackassitude? "
(Karen Yacobucci, email message, Nov. 16, 2004)

Made-up citation: "How many of Shakespeare's sonnets rhyme 'jackassitude' and 'wackassitude?'"


noun. A male ho-bag. Also: man-slut, boy-slut.

Real citation: "Carter plays a man cuckolded by the adorable he-slut Alfie, who steals Susan Sarandon out from under him. As close readers of this site's 'content' know, Carter's dealings with Hollywood have received much scrutiny this year. (You nailed a magazine editor for earning $100,000 from a movie studio, but you couldn't do anything about Dick Cheney's deferred Halliburton payments? Great job, journalists!) "
("What's It All About, Graydon? " Nov. 5, 2004, Gawker,

Made-up citation: "There's a fine line between a mimbo and a he-slut. Well, not really."

Saturday, November 20, 2004


noun. A fucking dork; a freaking dork; a frigging dork; a goddamn dork.

Real citation: "On another note, I swear the law library is run by nazis. There has been some dorkfuck patrolling the area near where I am studying, thus preventing me from busting out my diet cola action. Its proabably all warm and nasty by now. Hope he is gone after I finish this message. "
(Thug, May 21, 2001,

Made-up citation: "Hey dorkfuck! Will you write me a letter of recommendation?"

Friday, November 19, 2004

the Rat gods

noun. Divine rodent-like beings of awesome power. Possibly not to be trusted.

Real citation: "Some people say that George Bush should be run down and sacrificed to the Rat gods. But not me. No. I say it would be a lot easier to just vote the bastard out of office on November 2nd."
(Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing, Campaign 2004," Rolling Stone, Issue 961, Nov. 11, 2004)

Made-up citation: "I am praying to the Rat gods that they smite down my sister's husband with extreme prejudice. And I don't mind if they leave marks."

Thursday, November 18, 2004


adverb. 1. Absolutely. 2. Absolutely diddly-squat.

Related terms: absoschmuckinglutely, absogoddamnlutely, absofrikkinlutely, mur-diddly-urdler, dil-diddly-emma, diddlywhacker, son of a diddly, diddly-poo, cock-a-diddly-ding-dong-doo-doo.

Real citation: "From chrissy: Do you have any spoilers on Charmed's eppys to come?
Absodiddly. Coolio guest stars mid March as a demon who crashes Phoebe's wedding. (He loves those WB witches: He also guest starred on Sabrina.) And the wedding is a big ol' mess: The Source snatches Cole's body in an attempt to transform the ceremony into a demonic wedding, allowing their foretold son to become heir to the underworld. Coolio is a demon servant of the Source, whose job is to detain the girls...with pain."
("Watch with Wanda," Feb. 25. 2002, E! Online,

Made-up citation: "Billy's done absodiddly nothing today, again--I think his ambition drowned in the bong water."

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

One-eyed motherfuckers, nice wazoos, and spider-demony-thingies

If a buckle bunny with trout pout can frighten a monkey out of a banana tree, then a rodeo groupie with prominent lips resulting from plastic surgery is terrifying. On the other hand, if a house ape and a horsehead can talk a monkey out of a banana tree, then a small child and a heroin addict are very persuasive.

On a recent Simpsons episode, in reference to some family-oriented responsibility, Homer delivered one of my favorite lines ever: “As the Bible says, screw that!” Everyone knows that Bible quotes can be used to support stuff ranging from anything to everything, but I think Homer is showing us how to call upon a higher power with even more power. If you haven’t already, it’s time to start attributing whatever the Sam Fuck you want to the good book, and screw ‘em with an upside-down pillar of salt if they can’t take the joke. I can’t wait to work the following sentences into my next letter to the editor: As the Bible says, “Severe constipation can kill an elephant.” As the Bible says, “Peyote rhymes with ‘Hey Jodi.’” As the Bible says, “That hurts like a one-eyed motherfucker!” As the Bible says, “Chirup chireep chirrup, chirup chireep chirrup.”

You rarely hear an ass described as a “wazoo” unless it’s in the expressions “up the wazoo” and “out the wazoo.” Why not, though? It would add a little zip to anybody’s vocabulary if they said things like, “Nice wazoo,” “You sir, are a wazoohole,” “Do you enjoy wazoolingus?,” and “When you assume, you make a wazoo out of you and me.”

I don’t believe in much, but I believe that paper towel dispensers with “no-touch sensor” labels have a God-like, Death Star-quality energy field that forces weak-willed monkeys like myself to touch them. Talk about the power of language. Maybe I’d get more action if, on my next date, I wore a “no-touch sensor” bumper sticker on my quivering loins.

Four-letter words that end in “p” are kind of fun: beep, bump, burp, chip, chop, clap, clip, coop, crap, deep, drip, drop, dump, flip, flop, gimp, glop, goop, grip, gump, harp, help, hoop, hump, jump, keep, lamp, leap, limp, loop, lump, peep, poop, prop, pulp, pump, reap, romp, rump, seep, ship, shop, simp, slap, slip, slop, soap, step, stop, trap, trip, wasp, weep, whap, whip, whup, yelp. See what I mean?

I know nuns before noon are a bad sign; so is a palooka with a bazooka.

Is there a difference between “spooge” and “splooge”? Is one mintier?

Some snuff films just aren’t up to snuff.

I’ve been jogging—or in my case, stumbling—only a few times in my life, so I have to take my friend Karen’s word that people (especially man-people) tend to say annoying stuff to joggers, like “You can do it,” “You’re doing great,” “Keep going,” and “Go for the gold!” Next time someone says that last one to her, I hope Karen will take my advice and calmly reply, “Go fuck yourself for the gold!”

A “pandescenderer” is someone who panders and condescends at the same time. A “panda-hugger” is a supporter of China. A “panda” is very cute. Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything about pandas today.

The words of the week:
10) Kanga-bloody-roo
9) Shit-cauldron
8) Tenderloin
7) Blimey
6) Quasi-spousal
5) Simon-and-Garfunkel-bashing
4) Spider-demony-thingy
3) Prithee
2) Twaddle
1) Ootchimagootchi

In Ohio, a new game with an old name is becoming popular: cornhole. This Midwestern pastime—which involves throwing a beanbag of corn in a hole—is not to be confused with the traditional version of cornhole, which involves pumping a purple-veined passion python into a poop-chute. This accurately-yet-hilariously-named game has inspired organizations (the American Cornhole Association), events (the Holiday Cornhole Classic), and websites ( Like batshit-loony parents who name their children “Chlamydia” or “Latrina” because the names sound pretty, the good people of Ohio seem to be lacking a good slang dictionary. Maybe it’s no coincidence that the election was decided in The Cornhole State.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004


present participle. Tearing, mutilating, and chewing up a kindly caretaker of animals.

Real citation: "Watch the Zookeeper-Mauling Polar Bear Get Euthanized."
("America's Best Zoo Exhibits, The Onion, Vol. 39, Issue 34, Sept. 4-10, 2003)

Made-up citation: "I'm trying very hard to cut down on my bad habits, like fingernail-chewing, cigar-smoking, pet-eating, and zookeeper-mauling."

Monday, November 15, 2004


noun. A person who does not pay for the goodies and services of prostitutes, preferring to acquire nookie through the barter system or household appliances.

Real citation: "So anyway, as you can see, I'm taken. (At least for now.) Not wanting to leave you hanging, I set out to find answers to your questions. Even a non-hooker-hirer like myself knows that in-call means their place, out-call means yours. C'mon. "
(Judy McGuire, "Hired Help," August 18-24, 2004, Seattle Weekly)

Made-up citation: "I may be a non-hooker-hirer, but I am not a non-dumbass-disemboweler, so keep your distance."

Sunday, November 14, 2004


adj. Having heaving, heavenly bagoingers.

Real citation: “Tween star Hilary Duff takes her drama with Lindsay Lohan to musical proportions with a new song directed at the blessedly-boobed actress. Next up, a dance-off. ”
(“Gossip Roundup: Olsen Educational Update,” Oct. 6, 2004,,

Made-up citation: “Is Brigitte Bardot, Barbara Bush, Betty Boop, or Brianna Banana more blessedly-boobed?”

Saturday, November 13, 2004


noun. Diminutive, cute loved one; sweetie; poopsie-woopsie; honey-bunny.

Related terms: schmoopie-poo, poopie-poo, honey-poo, sweety-poo, cutey-poo, wifey-poo, snacky-poo, poo-poo, Yorkie-poo.

Real citation: "Honey, not going on study abroad isn't the end of the world. I should know; I didn't. I wanted to too, believe me. I wanted to go to Scotland and see all of Britain, but I wound up not being able to because of graduation requirements/credits. But I still had an amazing junior year. I was worried about being alone, with all my friends all over the world, but instead I just went out and made new friends (including you!!). Save your money and take a trip later. That's what I'm doing; saving up for a trip to Ireland for my senior spring break. And Jay and I still love you, schmoopsie-poo!"
(kzoopunk, Livejournal, March 5, 2004,

Made-up citation: "I'll be your snuggle-bunny, and I'll be your cuddle-monkey, and I'll be your sex poodle, but I draw the line at being your schmoopsie-poo."

Friday, November 12, 2004


present participle. Imitating or indicating the long, firm, ripe, yellow fruit.

Real citation: "Yes, she joked about her husband's endowments, but when answering as to whether her husband is gay, Guilfoyle Newsom said only, 'Not unless you are better than me.'
At which point, she says, she raised her elbow at a 45-degree angle and pointed at herself with a closed fist and thumbs up.
'It was not a banana-mimicking gesture,'' she said. "I know what I said and did. ... I have nothing to hide.'"
(Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom, quoted by Phillip Matier and Andrew Ross, "Newsom's wife says sex joke has been exaggerated," Oct. 24, 2004,

Made-up citation: "I'm not too good at banana-mimicking, but my mango-miming skills are truly sublime."

Thursday, November 11, 2004


noun. Minion.

Real citation: "Once again, nice work, minionators!"
(Harmony, "The Real Me," Oct. 3, 2000, Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Made-up citation: "Though my lackeys are lackluster, I have a fine staff of motivated minionators."

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Evil empires, summer cabbage, and pharmacogenomics

Does your inner child have an inner ear infection? Maybe you need to unleash, discover, release, embrace, or spank one of the many hidden entities I found with Google’s help, such as your inner smurf, inner European, inner dragon, inner flower, inner Republican, inner he-man, inner zombie, inner voyeur, inner kitten, inner Warhol, inner gourmet, inner cheerleader, inner brat, inner supermodel, inner doughnut, inner ghoul, inner Olympian, inner heiress, inner music industry diva, inner Tweety, inner money manager, inner gyroscope, or inner Robert Mapplethorpe. Unfortunately, neither Google nor I know what you should do with your inner Sumatran rat monkey.

I’ve never had a glide in my stride or a dip in my hip, but I have had a gimp in my limp and some glass in my ass.

The most disturbing bit of graffiti I’ve ever seen was at the University of Buffalo, in a library bathroom stall, where I sat, shat, and read the normally non-terrifying word “hi.” One problem—the word was written in shit. In the “most unintentionally amusing graffiti” category, I’d vote for some latrine literature I saw at a summer camp. These words of wisdom may have been composed by a camper, a counselor, or possibly even a wise bear from the woods. Here they are in all their glory, sure to make the authors’ parents and English teachers proud: “Stephen use this toilet to take a dump / it fills good / except the straining.”

I’ve often wistfully wished for a goon, and I think minions would be pretty sweet, but now I know what I really want to ask Santa for: an evil empire. Look at all the things that have been called evil empires: The Soviet Union, the New York Yankees, Starbucks, Walmart, Microsoft… Four out of five are unstoppable mega-juggernauts, and one out of five scared the living shit out of the unstoppable U.S. uber-juggernaut. If I had me one of them evil empires…well, it could syndicate this column for one thing. It could provide goods and services at a reasonable price. It could force the other evil empires to start serving bubble tea and canoli, as they should. Mmmm…evil fucking empire.

Imagine an asshole getting cornholed by a butthole in a shithole. Would the universe get sucked into a black hole?

From experience, I knew that these two alcoholic’s slogans were true: “Liquor before beer, never fear” and “Beer before liquor, never sicker.” The other night I was hoping to prove the wisdom of “Beer before wine, you’ll be fine.” Unfortunately, the only Johnny Cochran-esque booze bumper sticker I could honestly endorse now would be “Beer before wine—are you out of your mind?”

It’s fun, though expensive, to replace money with monkeys, but I can’t resist: A fool and his monkey are soon parted. Rich or poor, it’s good to have monkeys. Show me the monkey. Time is a monkey. Your monkey is no good here. No one’s credit is as good as his monkey. When monkeys speak, the truth keeps silent. Monkeys are the root of all evil. The love of monkeys is the root of all evil. He that marries for monkeys will earn them.

The words of the week:
10) Honeyfuggle
9) Heartbreakee
8) Barfogenesis
7) Gerbilcide
6) Assmosis
5) Love-matic
4) Rotgut
3) Unchimpanzeelike
2) Pharmacogenomics
1) Defrocked

There are a lot of fun terms for sex, such as “sink the sausage,” “make the beast with two backs,” “do the horizontal mambo,” “have a bit of summer cabbage,” and “take old one-eye to the optometrist.” The best one I’ve read lately is “put the devil into hell.” This is an expression that men, women, man-haters, woman-haters, sex-haters, and sex maniacs alike can embrace--it doesn’t favor men (and their little devils) or women (and their living hells). FOX News itself couldn’t come up with a more fair and balanced view of the sex act. God bless America.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004


noun. 1. A jackass' attitude. 2. A state of extreme jackassishness.

Real citation: "As far as Boeing, it does dishearten me to hear a crowd boo their own home team after a bad loss, or a string of successive losses (then again, most people present at the games show some kind of jackassitude or another so I shouldn't be surprised)."
(Ufez Jones, SportsFilter, June 20, 2003,

Made-up citation: "I was trying to enjoy the pulchritude, but the jackassitude was too much of a bummer."

Monday, November 08, 2004

fucking like banshees

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Sunday, November 07, 2004


noun. Sneaky espionage activity carried out by skanks, or possibly hos.

Real citation: “Lauren was originally good, and got turned eeeevil by the Covenant after Sydney returned. Now, I am hardly a rabid SV shipper, but even I will concede that Vaughn was just stupid-in-love with Syd at the time she disappeared. So there must have been foul play involved in the accelerated V/L courtship (nine. fucking. months. That. Bitch. How about....Lauren slips Vaughn a roofie and then does some Allisonesque postcoital hypnotism?) I'm just saying, if both parties are playing fair, there's no way Vaughn would be all Kissy-Face with the COW nine months after Syd's "death". Plus, scenes from After Six imply that Lauren has a fair amount of experience in the world of skankspionage - more than she would have gotten in the past year or so. I think we can eliminate this possibility.”
(cjgurl427, “Mission Briefings: The Speculation Thread (No Spoilers),” Television Without Pity, Feb. 19, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Maybe the election would have turned out differently if skankspionage were a more prominent issue.

Saturday, November 06, 2004


Leprechaun liberals, Scrooge McDuck, and sexual-fuckin-intercourse

One-eyed motherfuckers, nice wazoos, and spider-demony-thingies

Evil empires, summer cabbage, and pharmacogenomics

Mythical birds, fuckedupedness, and kitchy-kitchy-koo

Thongs, muffins, and absquatulations

Smiley feces, peek-a-boob, and grim death

Horse-pucky, mama-yamas, and God's sack

Squirrels, holiness, and backsplash

Torture, rage, and waffles

Saddam, Jesus, and Mom


present participle. Having a tendency to lock lips with the furriest, cuddliest, sweetest rodent of them all.

Real citation: “The final night of the convention was Kerry’s opportunity to inspire a country in need of something to be enthusiastic about. Instead, we got an infomercial. The product? The result of too many campaign strategists and focus groups: an ass-kicking, life-saving, hamster-kissing war hero.”
(Henry P. Belanger, “Curse of the Campaign Strategists,” In the Fray, August 18, 2004.

Made-up citation: “In the Beijing Olympics, new sports will include ultimate frisbee, competitive eating, and synchronized hamster-kissing.”

Friday, November 05, 2004


adj. Part of the new historical period that began when one-half of Jacko’s Racko was revealed at the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

Related terms: peek-a-boob, wardrobe malfunction, stripping.

Real citation: “I would have to think it's just the times that we live in -- the post-Janet-Jackson's-breast age. The bigger picture is that the FCC's raising the fines from $27,500 to $500,000 [for obscenity]. That is great. Even though the FCC hasn't warned KCRW, which is a local public-radio station.”
(Sandra Tsing Loh interviewed by John Gorenfeld, “A stand against pompous gasbags,” Salon, March 16, 2004,

Made-up citation: “In the post-Janet-Jackson's-breast era, I just don’t feel the same confidence in the stock market.”

Thursday, November 04, 2004


noun. A would-be bumpkin; a wanna-be yokel; a poseur hillbilly; a quasi-redneck; a not-quite hayseed; a phony rube.

Real citation: “Bush's language has become a less important issue for his American critics, too. Not that they don't still regard him an ignorant bumpkin (or worse, a pseudo-bumpkin) who embarrasses the country, but now they're concerned that he's making America look bad in much more dangerous ways. That anger has nothing to do with the fact that Bush doesn't talk like Tony Blair -- or for that matter, that Tony Blair does.”
(Geoffrey Nunberg, “Special Effects,”

Made-up citation: "If a metrosexual and a pseudo-bumpkin fought a duel to the death, what deity would you pray to for a double homicide?"

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Mythical birds, fuckedupedness, and kitchy-kitchy-koo

Since I write about language, people ask me questions all the time about capitalization, spelling, grammar, and other serious matters of national security. But nobody asks me the questions that really warm my cocoa, like: Would it be more proper to say a potential sex poodle is “lustable,” “lustable-after,” or “lust-afterable”? In a letter of resignation, should a supervisor’s approach be described as “assbackwards,” “bassackwards,” or “backasswards”? Which of these spellings would look more impressive on a wedding invitation: “fuckedupness” or “fuckedupedness”? (A Google search shows more hits for the former, but I kinda like the sound of the latter). And which version of “absolutely” sounds the most suave and professorial? The choices are: “absofuckinglutely,” “absobloodylutely,” “absoblessedlutely,” “absobleedinglutely,” “absofreakinglutely,” “absofrigginlutely,” “absofrikkinlutely,” “absoflippinlutely,” “absofunkinlutely,” “ “absogoddamnlutely,” “absotootly,” and “absoschmuckinglutely.”

My favorite current nickname for a co-worker is “the poodle from hell.” My favorite old nickname for a classmate is “Steak-umm.”

A “Dirty Banana” is a yummy Caribbean drink, and a “banana wiggler” is a worm used as fishing bait. A “banana hammock” is a speedo or other scanty, skimpy, sketchy covering for a “tummy banana,” which is a tallywhacker. “Bashing the banana” and “buffing the banana” mean the same thing as “slammin’ the salmon” and “warming up the altar boy’s lunch.” Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything about bananas today.

The best typo I’ve seen lately was “phoenix skills” for “phonics skills.” Unintentionally, the writer has his priorities in order. Phonics is the science of spoken sounds, but how much science do you need to yap? I don’t know a clone from a chromosome, and I can babble, bellow, and bitch just fine. On the other hand, listen to the Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of “phoenix”: “A mythical bird, of gorgeous plumage, fabled to be the only one of its kind, and to live five or six hundred years in the Arabian desert, after which it burnt itself to ashes on a funeral pile of aromatic twigs ignited by the sun and fanned by its own wings, but only to emerge from its ashes with renewed youth, to live through another cycle of years.” Not bad. I also remember that the Phoenix character from the X-Men could read minds and eat planets and stuff. Though I still wouldn’t have the qualifications for my dream job (teaching sign language to apes), I’d take phoenix skills over phonics skills any day, because a guy gets hungry. And planets are pretty.

According to Fifty Years Among the New Words, the term “anti-anti-communist” was coined in the 1950’s, meaning “one who opposes those who attack communism or communists.” Two negatives may not make a positive, but they do make a very cool word. I searched Google for “anti-anti-“ and found examples of “anti-anti-American,” “anti-anti-Pokemon,” “anti-anti-Saddamism,” “anti-anti-missile defense,” “anti-anti-Semitism,” “anti-anti-Britney,” “anti-anti-Christ,” “anti-anti-spyware,” and “anti-anti-evolutionism.” There were even a few examples with more “anti-”s, like “anti-anti-anti-math,” “anti-anti-anti-bioterrorism,” and “anti-anti-anti-anti-climaxes.” Since I’m hyphen-happy, I love all these words very much, but on a personal note, I must admit I am anti-anti-Lena Olin and anti-anti-anti-pea soup.

The words of the week:
10) Humanette
9) Disembowelingest
8) Salami-greased
7) Hootenanny
6) Horrendo-Mom
5) Churchill-humping
4) Yesireebob
3) Multi-hairball
2) Kitchy-kitchy-koo
1) Ectoplasmgasm

In the name of love, who isn’t a poo-eater sometimes? (In the metaphorical sense, at least). While any of us might run for cover because our schmoopsie-poo loves drugs, violence, or Everybody Loves Raymond, just as often we’ll open up wide, in a metaphorical-turd-gobbling frenzy. In the pages of Maledicta, I’ve found a few terrific versions of this idea, including these lovey-dovey declarations: “I would eat a yard of her shit just to get up to bite her ass,” “I would eat the peanuts out of her shit,” and “There’s many a man would eat a yard of her shit for a lick at her hole.” In Canadian Sayings, I found a similar one that shows both sweetness and curiosity: “I’d eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from.” Bon appetite.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

exorcism tongs

noun. A little-known-yet-quite-effective device used in removing demons from their host bodies--can be handy alongside traditional anti-anti-Christ paraphernalia such as a vial of holy water, a cross, a Bible, and a big fucking hammer.

Real citation: "Run and get Daddy's exorcism tongs!"
(Ned Flanders, "Last Exit to Springfield," March 11, 1993, The Simpsons)

Made-up citation: "I've had three smoothie-makers fall apart like the pieces of shit they were, but my exorcism tongs have lasted me through four children, twenty-three neighbors, and a couple pets."

ABC Index

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