Monday, February 28, 2005

cosmic-donut supporter

noun. A staunch advocate of the notion that Homer Simpson is correct and we are all merely sprinkles on a heavenly donut.

Real citation: "Recently some astronomers proposed that the universe is shaped like a gigantic donut. Then a competing group proposed that the universe actually is shaped like a gigantic soccer ball. The cosmic-doughnut group, based at the University of Pennsylvania, took exception to the cosmic-soccer-ball gang, who are mainly French academics. Cosmic-donut supporters asserted if the whole universe is a soccer ball, then individual views of the sky should resemble a sliced bagel."
(Gregg Easterbrook, "God did not watch the Super Bowl, but everybody else did!"

Made-up citation: "I'm no cosmic-donut supporter, but Christ in a Christmas tree, do I ever support Dunkin' Donuts coffee."


present participle. This describes the kind of love monkey who remembers the bread and duck butter while not getting overly distracted by fully-adjustable sex harnesses and the like.

Real citation: "Kinky guys who are lucky enough to find themselves dating or married to GGG women should be considerate, loving, and non-basics-neglecting, so that their wives and girlfriends will talk up the benefits of being GGG to their female friends, thereby increasing the supply of GGG women in the world. When a kinky guy acts like you, fuckhead, it decreases the number of GGG women in the world! Christ! "
(Dan Savage, "Slippery Slopes," The Stranger,

Made-up citation: "I am seeking a poop-chute-friendly, dog-excrement-intensive, non-basics-neglecting, plumber's-crack-defying non-hooker-hirer. I also like to cuddle on the couch."

Sunday, February 27, 2005


noun. A big testicular owie.

Real citation: "SCORE: 5/5 PROS: WHEE!!!CONS: Annoying seat thingy that came up between your legs (potential ball-crushage). Rave in the loading dock."
("Riddler's Revenge,",

Made-up citation: "Nothing puts a damper on a picnic like ball-crushage, especially when one is trying to enjoy the fall foliage."


noun. A female geek. Also: geektress.

Real citation: "Hello all! This is Wyrdsister, Raevyn's friend and local computer geekstress. She's asked me to make a little post for her here just updating things."
(Wyrdsister, Nov. 16, 2004, A Raevyn's Tale,

Made-up citation: "If I ever have a daughter, she will probably be a geekstress, and she will definitely be armed to the teeth."

Saturday, February 26, 2005


noun. A somewhat ambiguous woman who may or may not be your sorta-girlfriend.

Related terms: pseudo-non-boyfriend, non-girlfriend-girlfriend, non-boyfriend-boyfriend, ex-non-girlfriend, ex-non-boyfriend, ex-dead-girlfriend, ex-dead-boyfriend.

Real citation: "After a brief trip to Rehoboth Beach, DE, to visit my pseudo-non-girlfriend and also a long-outstanding Starbucks, I decided to head out to Prince Frederick, MD, to visit another new store before driving up to Philadelphia for my date with destiny (aka Stefan Fatsis)."
("Hero Worship," March 14, 2004,

Made-up citation: "When I asked Betty Sue to be my pseudo-non-girlfriend, why did she kick me in the ding-ding?"


noun. A very macho, manly, hoody, testosterone-engorged quality.

Real citation: "This weekend I became a that I wasn't before, but this weekend I completed the time-honored ritual of manhoodedness (is that a word?) by barbequing for my family! Yes, thank you, thank you :D"
(Sept. 6, 2004, Cap'n John's Blog,

Made-up citation: "Don't make me prove my manhoodedness by dropping a deuce in my pants."

Friday, February 25, 2005


adj. Used properly, this word describes a major league asshole (or a most-blessed bottom).

Real citation: "Indymedia no more represents "the left" than LGF represents "the right", and I think it somewhat counterproductive to go weighing up the excesses of the loons on both sides to see whose assholes are the assholiest."
(sennoma, April 7, 2004, Electrolite,

Made-up citation: "At my assholiest, I like to think I am no worse than a bunghole. Well, occasionally a butthole."


adj. Stereotypically, cartoonishly female.

Real citation: "Over at the Bait Shop, a lady singer with really unfortunate hair wails ovary-style. "
(Jessica, "The Second Chance," Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Strangely, 'ovary-style' and 'ballsweat-marinated' have never been popular types of casserole."

Thursday, February 24, 2005


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noun. Fear of breasts. Ah! Breasts!

Real citation: "My boobophobia goes way back. When I was in middle school and needed a little trainer bra, I was too embarrassed to ask my mom for one. I joined the track team, which practiced after school, and I had to cup my nubbins with my hands as I ran laps. That same year, I came home from a dance once rather badly chafed. But that beat discussing my walnut bulges — and the fact that I was changing in ways I couldn't predict or control — with Mom."
(Martha Brockenbrough, "It was the breast of times," Aug. 19, 2002, The Mommy Chronicles,

Made-up citation: "Watching Chesty Morgan smother a man to death with her zip-code-worthy rack would make even the most mammary-minded citizen boobophobic."

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


adj. This is used to describe someone with juicy, succulent DNA.

Related terms: bone-worthy, groan-worthy, yawn-worthy, barf-worthy, spew-worthy, spooge-worthy, schlong-worthy, thong-worthy, hump-worthy, bonk-worthy, boink-worthy, lust-worthy, drool-worthy, stalker-worthy, meh-worthy, gah-worthy, ew-worthy, sponge-bath-worthy.

Real citation: "Can you really copyright your DNA? Either you can, or California's DNA Copyright Institute, which secures DNA copyrights at $1,500 a pop for clone-anxious celebrities, is a fraud. (Could clone-worthy celebrities really be gullible?)"
(Peter Suber, Aug. 31, 2001,

Made-up citation: "Lena Olin is clone-worthy, sponge-worthy, scrub-her-and-bring-her-to-my-tent-worthy...she's pretty much worthy of whatever you got."


noun. Um, a fucking fuckload?

Real citation: "This would be so much easier if I just didn't give a shit and shagged anything that moved. Perhaps this should become the new operational paradigm. ;-)
And my work has gone totally to pot. Must sort this mess out. Fuckity-fuckbags of fuckfull fuckitude.
Right, I'm going to storm around outside and listen to the New Model Army for a bit. Hope your lives are going better than mine. "
(Mr. Tom, Feb. 25, 2002,

Made-up citation: "Do I have class? Do I have class? Dude, I've got a fuckity-fuckbag of class up the ass!"

Tuesday, February 22, 2005


present participle. This involves two noses engaged in such sweaty, smutty, steamy, sexually-pervy activity that they might as well be fornicating like bunnies.

Real citation: "Our noses grazed. And it was like the most sexually charged nose-graze in the history of nose grazes. It's essentially nose-humping, is what it is."
(Seth Cohen, "The Lonely Heart's Club," Feb. 10, 2005, The O.C.)

Made-up citation: "To give you an idea of how much my Valentine's Day sucked donkey balls, I didn't even get any nose-humping action. Thankfully, donkey-humping action was absent as well."


verb. Get a vasectomy.

Real citation: "So when things got serious between him and Barros early last year, he decided to take action. They both hated condoms, and Barros had sworn off birth control pills after she experienced bad side effects. "We're in it for the long haul so it made sense to snip-snippy," he says. Barros said she was thrilled. "We both wanted peace of mind as soon as possible," she says."
(Michelle Barros, "Is it hip to snip?" Salon,

Made-up citation: "I've got my own business--I'll wash your car and snip-snippy your ding-ding for forty bucks."

Monday, February 21, 2005


adj. Hands! Hands everywhere!

Real citation: "So Sheridan got “mother” from her eyes and her singing of an old, familiar song. I’ll allow that. But how did Julian get “mother” from the back of a completely different head of hair?! And shut up Julian. You were not a teenager when Katherine “died,” because Paloma was a baby, and therefore your son Ethan was about six years old, and therefore you were almost thirty. Whatever, let’s just watch Katherine get super-grope-y with the gun. Incidentally, Richard Steinmart (hee) had a small appearance in Sunday's premiere of Clubhouse. Like, so small that there's nothing to even say about it. The man had one line."
(DavidK93, "Passions," Sept. 27, 2004, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Seven out of eight dentists agree that 'super-grope-y' is not a positive trait in supervisors or lepers."


noun. The very essence and core of a 24-carat, no-questions-asked mama-yama of a princess.

Real citation: "Now here's the dilemma. I want Amy to walk with the princesses cuz they cut through the park and I don't want Amy walking alone through the park cuz of, you know, *whisper* the molesters. There are big fat trees in the park for molesters to hide behind, and you know how much molesters lurve hiding behind big fat trees. Amy could walk with Bailey and Hayley, but they live on the other side and go the loooooong way. I could tell Amy to do that anyway, and she might agree, but she also might lie. It's genetic, hey. I also could agree to drive Amy and the princesses, but that would be rewarding them for their princessitude."
(Paula Light, "Nerds and princesses," Jan. 26. 2005, Ultrablog,

Made-up citation: "Oozing-cyst-itude will put a damper on the princessitude of even the most practiced tiara-wearer."

Sunday, February 20, 2005


adj. Sorta-kinda like a frikkin', freakin', flippin' dolt.

Real citation: "(Aw) is a favorite expression of Walt Disney's quasi-doltish character Goofy."
(Mark Dunn, page 13, Zounds! A Browser's Dictionary of Interjections)

Made-up citation: "If I ran a school, I'd get rid of letter grades and replace them with helpful phrases like 'intellectual giant of our time' and 'to call him quasi-doltish would be generous.'"


noun. A rodent who spreads annoying ad copy as well as disease.

Related terms: spokes-fembot, spokesnomad, spokesmonkey, spokescrab, spokesferret, spokesmartian, spokesdoofus, spokesdude, spokesdipshit.

Real citation: "Quiznos ditches its delightful spokesrats for an insipid talking man-baby."
(Seth Stevenson, "Look Who's Hawking," Jan. 31, 2005, Slate,

Made-up citation: "In most professional associations of snitches, the position of spokesrat is quite prestigious."

Saturday, February 19, 2005


noun. A big bucket of suck.

Related words: megasuckage, supersuckage, major suckage, suckery, suckitude, su-diddly-uck, suckfest, suckorama, suckapalooza, sucktacular, sucktastic, suckful, semi-suckless, suckism, neo-suckism, suckist, sizzuck.

Real citation: "Ferone has played with Brian Auger (good job), AWB (good job), Clapton (sucked), and now Petty (uber-suckage)."
(spitball, June 4, 2003,

Made-up citation: "I've only seen two movies that sank to the lowest of the lowest of the depths of uber-suckage: One Hour Photo and Independence Day."


noun. Of or pertaining to the loins, perhaps even the loins from which you--yes, I'm taking to you--sprang.

Real citation: "Lol--it is hard to believe she's a product of his loinliness."
(Oct. 3, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Since both hot monkey love and parenthood are frowned upon in convents, any correlation between nunliness and loinliness is highly discouraged."

Friday, February 18, 2005


noun. A metric assload of phlegm.

Real citation: "Sniff. I am that gross kid you wouldn't sit next to at the assembly. Sitting here at the computer surrounded by used kleenex, and even then I am making the occasional vile slurping noise through the two thirds of a nostril that still deserves the title of "airway." No one is around to hear me except The Cat, and since I have caught her snacking on her own vomit before, I don't think her sensibilities are delicate enough to be grossed out by my snotfest. (SNOTFEST 2002! PHLEGMAPALOOZA! WELCOME TO MUCUSLAND!) I think this is just autumnal allergies and not some deadly pestilence, but still, it's very annoying and keeps me from sleeping well."
(mimi smartypants, Sept. 24, 2002,

Made-up citation: "Do you think Evelyn was chagrined when I phlegmapalooza'd into her porridge?"


noun. A female geezer.

Real citation: "I guess I am what you might call a dude, although I am more likely to be called a geezer in person. (Don't call my wife a geezette, though -- if you value your life.) "
(Schmendrick54, July 23, 2004, Daily Kos,

Made-up citation: "Nothing lasts in this world of joy and sorrow--every flower shall rot and all dudettes will become geezettes."

Thursday, February 17, 2005


noun. A prince of a lad. Not quite. Believe it or not, this word refers to a fucking motherfucker.

Real citation: "What could possibly go wrong? Oh, damn, I forgot about EVERYTHING GOING WRONG. I got home from the pub on Thursday, to find that neither drive was being detected by the BIOS. I jiggered and pokeried around inside, booted from a CD, and there were my drives. There, but unreadable. MotherfuckingFUCKER. As if I didn't already have enough loss going on, now I lose all my data?"
("Thank You Jesus, May I Have Another?," May 28, 2004, It's Funny Because It's Shit,

Made-up citation: "When preparing your resume and cover letter, it is tempting though inadvisable to refer to yourself in glowing terms such as these: 'I am a focused, motivated, multi-tasking, project-managing motherfuckingfucker!'"


adj. Pretty diddily doodily darn freaking predictable.

Real citation: "Am I that pre-diddly-ictable? I've wasted my whole dang-diddly life!"
(Ned Flanders, "Viva Ned Flanders, Jan 10, 1999, The Simpsons)

Made-up citation: "I don't feel our sex life has gotten pre-diddly-ictable...but it is a bit re-fucking-volting."

Wednesday, February 16, 2005


noun. Largish surgically-enhanced rackage.

Real citation: "Demi busts out her robo-dirigibles and thonged buttcheeks while she gyrates on a table for an understandably grateful Burt Reynolds."
(Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia : The A-to-Z Guide to Finding Your Favorite Actresses Naked, page 387, 2005)

Made-up citation: "Larry David refers to robo-dirigibles as 'big chemical balls.' Neither term is mentioned in the Bible."


present participle. Given to dining on fresh gonads.

Real citation: "As for the ads that did make it on air, it was clear right from the start that Madison Avenue was determined to play things very close to the vest this year, in the wake of last year's Super Bowl debacle -- known in the business as the "Crude Bowl." Last year's ad crop, which featured a farting horse and a testicle-chomping dog, was roundly denounced as being unusually tasteless and unfunny even by Madison Avenue standards. Continuing fallout from the Janet Jackson incident also doubtless affected agency thinking this time around. The result was a collection of the most inane, soft-edged, appallingly saccharine commercials the Big Game has ever seen."
(Matt Taibbi, "Madison Avenue fumbles," Salon,

Made-up citation: "Even the most extreme masochist will usually leave testicle-chomping off the menu."

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

non-stick-like hottyness

noun. Anorexia-free hottitude.

Real citation: "Yup. Non-stick-like hottyness. Her joke about her backside included..."
(Benito, " 2-11: "The Second Chance" 2005.02.03," Feb. 3, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "In the later seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only Tara brought non-stick-like hottyness to the table. And she was killed!"


noun. A tallywhacker of great fortitude and magnitude.

Real citation: "His awesome wangitude has made me question my faith in God!"
(Jennifer, Record of Things Past,

Made-up citation: "In the Fortress of Solitude, Lois Lane expresses gratitude for the interplanetary wangitude of that dude, Superman."

Sunday, February 13, 2005


adj. In the manner of a fetching female robot.

Real citation: "the a.n.d.y. enters the nipples, already erect and slightly frostbitten from the cold, begin to emit a slient hissing sound from the constrast created by the heated stings...right when i begin subtlely rubbing my elbows against my chest to qwell the noise, five fembot-ish snizzles seemingly appear out of thin air, offering to take my jacket...the tallest and least attractive one (i'm assuming she was their pitboss) asks...'what can i do for you today sir?'..."
(d. young, "4:30 ish," Dec. 7, 2004,

Made-up citation: "'Fembot-ish' is a useful word for describing particularly robotic women and especially sultry toasters."


noun. Butt-kissy-kissy.

Related terms: butt-smoochery, smoochy-smoochy, smoochathon.

Real citation: “More fun fallout today from Slate's mining of the Kissinger tapes to reveal embarrassing ass-smoochery from serial journalism-lecturers like Marvin Kalb and Ted Koppel.”
(Matt Welch, “Feel My Power, Colin!”

Made-up citation: "When ass-smoochery leads to ass-chappage, an ass-whipping is in order."

Saturday, February 12, 2005

ho sense

noun. A tingly ho-detecting sensation, possibly possessed only by other hos.

Real citation: "Today, the women in the dressing room were two strippers, me, and a pair of European tourists. It took all of three seconds for the ho sense to kick in and for the strippers and I to recognize each other as sex workers. After the Europeans left, we had a grand time laughing it up, and talking about clients as we tried on various undergarments and commented on each others assets."
(Audacia Ray, "Sex workers and European tourists," Waking Vixen, Jan. 6, 2005,

Made-up citation: "There's a big difference between ho sense and ho-dar, as my ho-savvy readers will understand."


noun. Someone who has been besmirched, which can be so unpleasant.

Related terms: admiree, anus lickee, avengee, ball lickee, beatifee, betrayee, bitee, brainsuckee, burnee, car-jackee, clobberee, cock and ball torturee, complimentee, consumee, counselee, cradle-robee, crapee, crushee, decapitatee, disectee, disparagee, downsizee, excommunicatee, exorcisee, filmee, fist fuckee, floodee, Frenchee, gawkee, giftee, golden showeree, gropee, headee, impeachee, killee, kissee, lecturee, lickee, likee, litigatee, lustee, massagee, mindfuckee, moldee, molestee, moochee, motivatee, mugee, murderee, nursee, obsessee, oglee, peggee, pervee, pervertee, piercee, pimpee, pissee, poopee, predatee, promotee, purse-snatchee, regiftee, reprimandee, scoldee, shagee, shitee, skullfuckee, slashee, slobberee, smoochee, smotheree, sniffee, snitchee, spankee, stabee, stalkee, staree, theftee, toe-suckee, undressee, whackee, yoinkee.

Real citation: "Very good, Dusty. And it disturbs me a little when a person­ of integrity gets his name besmirched by someone flinging out t­he accusations without checking the record. It smacks of a sub­tle attempt on the part of the besmircher to spread lies about t­he besmirchee. Like I said once before, slinging snot. "
(Howard Duck, July 29, 2000,

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'For every besmircher there is a besmirchee, and for every batshit-loony ratfucker, there shall be a batshit-loony ratfuckee.'"

Friday, February 11, 2005


adj. Really quite devastating. Kablooey!

Real citation: "Owing to light speed, not even advanced aliens would see the mega-destructo wave front coming. In other words, a careless Brookhaven postdoc chopsticking Chinese takeout might inadvertently destroy the cosmos."
(Gregg Easterbrook, "We're All Gonna Die!" Wired,

Made-up citation: "If I had boulder-hurling, mega-destructo, super-Jedi telekinetic powers, that would rock."

wig lumpage

noun. An unsightly bulge on the head of a wig-wearer with long hair.

Real citation: "My hair hasn't been too long until recently, but now that it's reached the "annoying wig lumpage" barrier point, I'm at a loss for what to do. o.o I bought a wig cap, I've tried braiding it, I've tried ponytails and crisscrossing, but my hair is so thick and so long, I keep coming up with these unsightly bulges in my wig or else the wig makes me look like a chibi version of my character since it makes my head look so big o.o Does anyone have any hints/tricks/tips for that? I really would appreciate any help ^^"
(PretearWink, "Wigs for people with long hair," Feb. 1, 2003,

Made-up citation: "How many of Robert Frost's poems rhyme 'wig lumpage' with 'pig humpage'?"

Thursday, February 10, 2005

burn one's waffles

idiom. This is said of something annoying in a charred-breakfast-food kind of way.

Related terms: burn one's toast, grate one's cheese, warm one's cocoa, melt one's butter.

Real citation: "Forgive me for shouting, but this stuff burns my waffles. It's the same junk we heard from Chris Matthews' crew and all the other clique queens in the press about Al Gore as Gore was wowing crowds and closing in for the kill in 2000. "
(Oct. 27, 2004, Crooks and Liars,

Made-up citation: "The Democratic party's lack of guts, brains, and vision really burns my waffles, but thinking about last weekend's keg party really warms my cocoa."

assassin-client privilege

noun. The confidential, almost-fetal relationship that exists between an assassin and his or her kind benefactor.

Real citaion:
Sydney Bristow: "Who hired you?"
Tomazaki: "Sydney...assassin-client privilege."
("Authorized Personnel Only," Jan. 5, 2005, Alias)

Made-up citation: "In what year of law school do they cover assassin-client privilege?"

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

ambulatory hamburger

noun. A beef patty with legs. Like "meathead," this does not imply high SAT scores.

Real citation: "38. Toby Keith Crimes: The worst kind of proud-to-be-brainwashed dolt, one who feels he should express himself. The fact that this ambulatory hamburger’s opinions were ever given public forum is an indictment of our entire civilization and all human history leading up to this point. " ("The Beast 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2004," The Beast,

Made-up citation: "If the Pledge of Allegiance is ever ruled unconstitutional, may I suggest the Pledge of Asswipe as an alternative: 'I pledge asswipe to the fucking moron of the United Shit-for-brains of Asshat, and to the ratfucker for which it stands, one numbnuts, under geekazoid, indivisible, with lunkhead and jerkwad for ambulatory hamburger.'"


noun. A most blessed motherfucker.

Related terms: motherhumper, motherjumper, motherfunker, motherflipper, motherflunker, motherfreaker, motherfouler, motherpumper, mothergrabber, motherhugger, motherjiver, mothersucker, mothermucker, motherpucker, motherfuckingfucker.

Real citation:
[Telly] What'chu say? [Grover] What's wrong? Didn't think I'd remember?
[Bert] We will find that motherblesser! [Zoe] Uhhh-aahh! Temper temper!
Elmo's world? Where's that stupid dumb girl?
Mr. Ernie coming straight out of southtown y'all give him a twirl
(Tokusou Sentai Blessranger, "Guilty Conscience,"

Made-up citation: "If one more motherblesser says 'Have a blessed day' to me, I will be forced to smile and respond: 'Go bless yourself! With a hockey stick!'"

Tuesday, February 08, 2005


present participle. Catering to the whims and quacks of our fine feathered friend the duck.

Real citation: "An ex-missionary in his early sixties who had spent years among the Yanomami people in Venezula, Dell had seen a little of everything in life, but nothing as ridiculous as this fish-out-of-water city boy and his duck-pampering wife."
(Bob Tarte, Enslaved by Ducks, pages 103-4, 2003)

Made-up citation: "I can respect a duck-pamperer, so long as we're not talking Peking duck, which should be devoured--not pampered, harbored, or coddled in any way. Mmm....quack."


noun. A metric truckload of yokel-type behavior.

Real citation: "...midwestern speech would be a sure sign of yokelosity. "
(Hugh Gibbons,

Made-up citation: "For an eastern city, Buffalo has an alarmingly high level of yokelosity and a depressingly low number of places to get Peking duck."

Monday, February 07, 2005

boner subsidy

noun. Government funding allocated for sproingy erection fun.

Real citation: "Medicare will cover Viagra and other drugs for sexual dysfunction. Critique: Just when you thought government couldn't get dumber, here comes the boner subsidy. Rep. Steve King, R-Iowa, will file legislation to ban Medicare coverage of "lifestyle drugs." King tells NYT, "We are promoting abstinence for young people with raging hormones, and yet we are going to ask them to pay taxes for sex-enhancing drugs for seniors?" Defense: Medicare is just following precedent: Insurers already cover "quality-of-life" drugs for pain or indigestion, and the Department of Veterans Affairs covers Viagra for 150,000 men. Rebuttal: My God, it's worse than we thought. Implication: The distinction between necessary and elective medicine is breaking down."
(William Saletan, "Womb TV," Feb. 2, 2005,

Made-up citation: "When the boner subsidy goes into effect, there will be a chicken in every pot and a firm-but-fair weenie in every terrified-but-tasty chicken. Thank you, and God bless America."


noun. A nauseating yet romantic condition when two souls meet, mate, and make the monkey with two mothers. Whatever.

Real citation: "That was totally Angel's fault. He stalked and flirted with an innocent girl, pretending to be someone he wasn't. It was always going to end in tears, and those tears (imo) are the reason Buffy will never love anyone as much, because she can't afford to in her heart of hearts, not because of soulmate-itude. Willow's only proactive action in the Buffy/Angel relationship was giving him short shrift for overdramatizing going for a coffee. "
(1formybaby, "The Hacker, The Witch, and Her Wardrobe: The Willow Topic," Feb. 29, 2004, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Does the joy of soulmate-itude ever outweigh the agony of chlamydiosity?"

Sunday, February 06, 2005


noun. Some serious batshit (or bugfuck) insanity.

Real citation: "I've added Sigmund, Carl, and Alfred to my peeps. Visit! These guys are hilarious, skewering bloggers right and left for all manner of transgression, from posting political whackaloonism to writing in the voice of your pet. (Hey, I was thinking about letting Cocoa...nevermind.) They give helpful tips to bloggers who want to get more return readers, and they do it with wit and style. Of course, *all* my peeps are witty and stylish, so SC&A fit right in."
(Paula Light, "Shrinkage," Feb. 3, 2005, Ultrablog,

Made-up citation: "Both alcoholism and whackaloonism run in my family."

paid protruder

noun. Male stripper.

Real citation: "But the thought of a heterosexual downtown male revue, especially on a gay columnist's allowance, leaves me feeling more than just a little bit detached. And although ABBA's "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)" is blaring from the approaching entrance, slapping me up-and-down into the context of an Australian drag-epic, I know that tonight I will be invisible. These sort of beefcake affairs typically involve contractual clauses protecting the paid protruders from any sort of man-on-man involvement. They've got reps to protect, after all. And scrotums. "
(Billy Manes, "Teabag for Two," Orlando Weekly,

Made-up citation: "I appeared naked in a play once, but since going bottomless didn't help my pennilessness, I can't in good conscience put 'paid protruder' on my resume."

Saturday, February 05, 2005


adj. This is used to describe any tradition, institution, or tool with the power to demolish privacy.

Real citation: "I daresay it would work for a lot of other couples, too. Sure, some pairs can't stand to be apart for more than a day, those "you complete me" types who are, it seems, made for marriage and all its personal-boundary-invading glory. But the rest of us -- a growing contingent if all this divorce and cheating stuff I read about is accurate -- have a kind of bipolar relationship with the idea of happily ever after. We love it! "
(Jennifer Armstrong, "Runaway bride," Salon,

Made-up citation: "'Personal-boundary-invading Peach' is not a popular brand of ice cream or cologne."


noun. 1. Stinkiness. 2. Suckiness.

Real citation: "I was excited at the prospect of not having foot reekage at the end of my hike, but this wasn't the case. It wasn't that the liners didn't control odor, but that I found them to be terribly rough on my heels."
(featurefriend, June 19, 2002,,2646,2074,00.html)

Made-up citation: "Despite it's length and girth, my honker is no good at detecting food-related gross reekage or life-threatening gas leakage."

Friday, February 04, 2005

smurf stub

noun. The tiny tail of a hamster.

Real citation: "The biggest obstacle to successful rat ownership in the classroom will not come from the students. Most students, being refreshingly open-minded, will take one look at a domestic, or "fancy," rat and immediately become rat advocates. Adults, however, tend to take a bit longer to overcome their squeamishness. It's the tail that does it… for some reason, a naked tail gives many people the willies. Of course, I've never been a fan of the hamster's "smurf stub," so it's all in how you look at it."
("Classroom Animals and Pets - Mammals - Rats,"

Made-up citation: "Though hamsters tend to be bitey, solitary, finicky, postal-worker-type hellballs, their smurf stubs are adorable in the eyes of many (though the term is considered offensive to Bluish Americans)."

Nostradamus schmostradamus

interjection. This indicates that Nostradamus, his prophesies, and the horse he rode in on are all full of horse-hooey.

Related terms: fancy schmancy, Dracula schmacula, robot schmobot, orgasm schmorgasm, monkey schmonkey, God schmod, evil schmevil, holy schmoly, boob schmoob, poop schmoop, wimp schmimp, penis schmenis, research schmesearch, Buffy schmuffy, Bush schmush, penguin schmenguin, Jesus schmesus, vagina schmagina, Bono schmono, beef club schmeef club, chicken schmicken, salad schmalad, pope schmope, demon schmemon, semen schmemen, constitution schmonstitution, butt schmutt, ass schmass, bishop schmishop, bucket schmucket, floozy schmoozy, sex schmex, passion schmassion, diddly schmiddly, moron schmoron, naked schmaked, nude schmude, pimp schmimp, nipple schmipple, Mississippi schmississippi, crap schmap, weirdo schmeirdo, testicles schmesticles, rutabaga schmutabaga.

Real citation: "Nostradamus Schmostradamus, if he can't warn me about that friggin' 'Zoom Zoom Zoom' kid in the Mazda ads who needs any part of him?"
(Max Burbank, "The Midriff Prophesies,"

Made-up citation: "Nostradamus schmostradamus! I could make better prophesies out of some goat's blood, my ear wax, and a TV Guide."

Thursday, February 03, 2005

happy man-loaf

noun. Tallywhacker.

Real citation: 24. "Night of Too Many Stars," May 31, 2003, 8 p.m. EDT: comedian Dana Carvey, reprising his role as the Saturday Night Live character, "Church Lady," says to the actor Macaulay Culkin: "...then we jumped on the puberty train and got all tingly . . . we want to fornicate, so we thought it would be nifty to get married when we were twelve." Dana Carvey later discusses Michael Jackson and says of him: "Did he ever dangle anything in front of you at the sleepovers? . . . Say, his happy man-loaf? . . . When he moon walked, he didn't moon you as he walked, did he? . . . Did he ever get into Billy's jeans?" Another character asks whether "his [Jackson's] shalonthaz [sic] ever rose up to salute you? You never played hide the toast?"
(Amy Reiter, "He said, 'Penis!'", Salon,

Made-up citation: "Our professional dating consultants do not recommend that you refer to your hoo-hoo-dilly as a happy man-loaf--not if you ever want to sink the sausage."


present participle. Pothead-enthralling; deadhead-hypnotizing; weed-monkey-captivating.

Real citation: "12:03 p.m. Sixth and H streets, exquisitely positioned between prime Plaza pot-procuring territory and the stoner-bedazzling wildlands of the Marsh, is often utilized as a campground by urban travelers. This time, the usual van-surrounded-by-an alluvial-plain-of-garbage eventually triggered a complaint. No one was home."
(Kevin L. Hoover, "Arcata Police Log August 16, 2004: Bongos, beggars braise consciousness," The Arcata Eye,

Made-up citation: "When buying clothes--a task I hate with a fiery passion--I just try to strike a balance between boring, solid colors and stoner-bedazzling psychedelia."

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

holy flippin' flyin' cows

exclamation. A more flippin', flyin', bovine version of "holy shit."

Real citation: "Today was hot. Holy flippin' flyin' cows. It was so hot. I hate the heat here. That's one thing I WON'T miss when I come home from Cali. Also, I hope I kick the habit of saying "hella" I keep saying it."
(Sinai, Aug. 9, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Holy flippin' flyin' cows! Another year has gone by, and I still have a submoronic grasp of taxes, relationships, and the offsides rules in hockey. Swell."


adj. Full of hot, buttered, steaming monkey sex.

Related terms: cat-nookiepalooza, nookie-bookie, nookie push-push.

Real citation: "happy joyous nookie-licious valimtimes day!"
(princess erin the mighty, Feb. 13, 2004, mightywench,

Made-up citation: "I was hoping Pittsburgh would make the Super Bowl, because last time they were in the game, I had a most nookie-licious afternoon. Crap."

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

batshit loonball

noun. An insanely nutty whackjob.

Related words: batshit loony, batshit whacko, batshit insane, batshit nutty, batshit nutso, super-batshit-insane, completely-fucking-batshit-insane, batshit-fucking-crazy, batshit-sounding, non-batshit, pre-batshit, anti-batshit, batshittery, holy batshit, batcrap, batpoop.

Real citation: "Oh, and when it was announced I was rather interested in the Obama/Keyes match-up. I had forgotten one point: Alan Keyes is a complete batshit loonball. "
(Frinklin, "RNC Day 4," Sept. 3, 2004, Frinklin Speaks,

Made-up citation: "When a batshit loonball goes bugfuck crazy, all is not well."


noun. A metric buttload of barf-worthy cuteness.

Real citation: "I'd always been somewhat pleased that the cartoon character my daughter latched onto was the intelligent, intrepid Dora. For four seasons on Nickelodeon (and then its sister station Noggin, and then CBS), this school-age Latina role model eschewed nearly every girly-girl gender stereotype, the pink T-shirt that hangs loosely over her realistically rounded 8-year-old belly being the only token element of her nascent femininity. Dora's brain is touted as her main asset (she's bilingual; she solves jungle-based brainteasers), but she's also ruggedly athletic (she's the star of both her baseball and soccer teams; she never blinks before shimmying up a banyan tree or scaling a volcano). Dora's esteem-building, multiculti adventures are the polar opposite of the glitter-spewing, cutesy-fests -- think Rainbow Brite and My Little Pony -- that women of my own generation grew up with."
(Christopher Healy, "A nation of little princessess," Salon,

Made-up citation: "On my most adorable, cuddly, snuggly-wuggly, diminutive day, I'm not certain I have the qualifications to be part of a cutesy-fest."