Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Real citation: "Hi i have a baby holland lop rabbit she is very cute and her name is brownie. She is also very cuddly aggressive sometimes. She is a very good bunny and a very fluffy bunny. She is the cuttest bunny you would ever see."
(Dec. 19, 2007, Animal World, http://animal-world.com/php/AllComments.php?cid=hollandlop)
Made-up citation: "How do I deal with cuddly-aggressive behavior? Glad you asked. I just tell your mom to put on her combat boots and head home. Happy new year!"
Real citation: "A fair share of newfangled revenue. Management is currently offering us adjusted bubkes of what they are making off Internet sell-through, streaming, ringtones, Webisodes, cellisodes, iPodisodes, celebrity-narrated colonoscosodes, or the psychotic episodes they’ve been beaming into your brain, brought to you by Clozaril™. All we are asking is 2.5 per cent of revenue, based on forty per cent of gross receipts, divided by zero, in bullion. We believe that this is a fair formula, yet one complicated enough for Management to continue to find ways to exercise their cheating rights."
(Nov. 19, 2007, Larry Doyle, The New Yorker, http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2007/11/19/071119sh_shouts_doyle)
Made-up citation: "Stay tuned for a very special episode--pardon me--a very special colonoscosode of Grey's Anatomy, entirely narrated by Meredith's butt."
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Real citation: "You should never have tried to smurf it in her smurfhole without asking. Or at the very least you couldv'e used a little smurfroglide. It just nasty and un-smurfing-polite. Its no smurfing way to treat a lady smurf. Especially the only lady smurf."
(April 1, 2007, Paizo, http://paizo.com/people/ReekyShanks/posts)
Made-up citation: "You may think I am uncouth, ill-mannered, and un-smurfing-polite. But that's just because I smurfed you with my butt."
Real citation: "mine has ogre chicks in thongaroos
(March 11, 2003, EZboard, http://p103.ezboard.com/fchildrenofthemotheranouncements.showNextMessage?topicID=813.topic)
Made-up citation: "Governor Blago-whatsit just posted thirty pictures of himself in thongaroos on his Facebook page, hoping for a sea change in press coverage. Hey, it worked for Lincoln."
Monday, December 29, 2008
Real citation: "My only question is, why hasnt your fav preznit created a cabinet post for an Exorcism Czar; it'd be a likely real crowd pleaser for a good number of your fellow base members."
(April 28, 2007, TalkLeft, http://www.talkleft.com/story/2007/4/27/131845/894)
Made-up citation: "There are only four people in the world who can help you right now, Stanley: the Pope, Batman, Angelina Jolie, and me--the exorcism czar of the entire tri-state area."
Real citation: "The network gods must be crazy. And clearly, not all of the carnage can be blamed on the writers' strike, despite the relentless attempts by industry executives to do so. Yes, the strike delayed some of our favorite series -- 'The Shield' and '24,' for example -- but many more shows stumbled and fell on their faces after reasonably promising first seasons. 'Lipstick Jungle' and 'Pushing Daisies' were pulled this fall due to story lines that felt repetitive within weeks of their premieres and, not surprisingly, failed to pull in interested viewers over the long haul. Meanwhile, shows like Showtime's 'Californication,' HBO's 'Entourage' and 'The Life and Times of Tim,' and FX's 'Testees' sallied forth clumsily like unholy zombies, defining a whole new subgenre: the plotless, joke-free, cringe-inducing, testosto-moronic half-hour cable tragicomedy."
(Heather Havrilesky, Dec. 28, 2008, Salon, http://www.salon.com/ent/tv/feature/2008/12/28/year_in_tv/)
Made-up citation: "Under the new laws, all testosto-moronic behavior will be punishable with a testosto-colonic nuclear pitchfork."
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Real citation: "Kerry said the incident raised questions about Fox's fitness to serve as an ambassador, unless it was either to East Assholia or Greater Scumbagistan."
(Feb. 28, 2007, WTF Is It Now?!?, http://maruthecrankpot.blogspot.com/2007/02/not-so-fast-asswipe-kerry-slams.html)
Made-up citation: "Many have tried to visit my apartment without making a detour through Greater Scumbagistan. Many have failed. Life is a journey."
Real citation: "The occasion has been referred to as Shoe-enfreude on. A alter ego told me the reporter's dub was Joe and after a mark time while I looked at him blankly, he followed by saying, 'Shoeless Joe'. Then someone asked what President Bush's favorite pie is and the retort is of course, 'shoe-fly' pie. Someone else referred to the to-do as an attempted 'shoe-icide'. But there is a precarious inconsiderable to all of this."
(Dec. 18, 2008, Unknown War Video, http://unknownwarvideo.blogspot.com/2008/12/birmingham-progressive-politicsBlogger: Wordlustitude - Create Post.html)
Made-up citation: "Our relationship was so solid, or so I thought. We overcame many obstacles, including a run-in with a cult, but when I demanded 'shoe-enfreude' be part of our wedding vows, well... That's why I'm single and speaking to you from the roof instead of the parlor of Veronica's estate."
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Real citation: "Sera: Hey there handsome! It's me, your schmubby-wubby poo."
(June 13, 2003, Hamtaro World, http://www.hamtaroworld.5u.com/)
Made-up citation: "Jenkins, we need to talk. Your little pet names are inappropriate for the office environment. Professionals don't appreciate being called schmubby-wubby-poo, ho-cake, assbutt, or Daddy's little dumpling. Got that, poopoobutthead?"
Friday, December 26, 2008
Real citation: "Clarence Thomas, who you mentioned in your post, is merely a paleo-jackass by comparison"
(Jan. 4, 2008, http://mailman.lbo-talk.org/pipermail/lbo-talk/Week-of-Mon-20071231/000267.html)
Made-up citation: "Only a trained specialist--with at least three grad degrees--can tell the difference between a paleo-jackass and a paleo-douche just by glancing at their bone structure or blog posts."
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Real citation: "My ex step-ferret used to like to hang out inside the couch. She would come out if you shook a box of cereal because she loved Fruit Loops."
(Nov. 14, 2008, Snopes, http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=38364)
Made-up citation: "I wish I could stop slithering back to my ex-step-ferret. But a soulmate is a soulmate..."
Monday, December 22, 2008
Real citation: "Well, why don't I start by saying what's wrong with Halloween? I'm such a pessimist! Everything of life is wrong. No questions asked.
1) The obvious-tacular-ish one: SAFETY!
No, I am not talking about the whole "syringe-in-the-bag-of-chips/poisoned-ap
Child dressed as a ghost goes up to rapist's house. Rapist kidnaps child, escapes to mexico. The parent on crack-cocaine can obv describe the child... but then they'll be all 'zomg I don't know what costume it was wearing'. Then the child floats up dead on your local beach/your well.
That's why Halloween is not safe.
(Nov. 1, 2008, Livejournal, http://whoknew007.livejournal.com/828.html)
Made-up citation: "After 36 years on this planet, one thing and one thing only has become obvious-tacular-ish: pale ale goes great with pizza. Don't say I never taught you anything, future generations!"
Real citation: "There was a bunch of other shit, I'm tired of typing, I played semi-ok-crappy-esque, but you know... can't touch this."
(July 28, 2004, Ravetrash, http://www.ravetrash.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=276476&sid=054d52c8e459114f842770c36e4997cd)
Made-up citation: "'Have a semi-ok-crappy-esque holidays!' That's what my mother said to me every year. You know what's worse? She said it in May."
Real citation: "I’m not sure I can take a calendar full of steaming hot manblogitude…"
(Dec. 3, 2008, The Comics Curmudgeon, http://joshreads.com/?p=1809)
Made-up citation: "Women love me for my manblogitude. Men hate me for it. Man-blogs admire me. Woman-blogs are curious. Woodland critters are just afraid."
(Thanks to Ben Zimmer for the tip!)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Real citation: "ahhh thats better. Thanks to the Dog Whisperer/Exorcist, the shapeshifting schitzu dog demon thing is happier and I can now lead it around the house without it perching evil-ly on my back ... thanks Catholic Dog Exorcist Whisperer guy you've saved the universe again with your anti-demon-dog-back-perching superpowers ... and the shoulders on my shirts are now completely clean with no unnecessary evil demon-dog mess."
(Nov. 14, 2007, The Paracast Community Forums, http://forum.theparacast.com/ghost-stories-f12/demon-on-his-back-t1233/)
Made-up citation: "Mom! I want to be a Catholic dog exorcist whisperer guy when I grow up. They wear the funnest hats."
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Real citation: "Pee-piphany
Hi internet! I am sure you will be thrilled to learn that I have more or less perfected the ability to stay half-asleep when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. If there's one thing in this world I have a genuine knack for, it's sleeping. You know how Mr. Newt is the Michael Phelps of giving advice? I am the Michael Phelps of losing consciousness and staying that way."
(Nov. 23, 2008, Dear Gherkin, http://mydeargherkin.blogspot.com/2008/11/pee-piphany.html)
Made-up citation: "I have great respect for your pee-piphanies, dude. Just don't have one again on the top bunk."
Friday, December 19, 2008
Real citation: "Jay, you're a douche-wibbler."
(Sarah Silverman, Dec. 4, 2008, The Sarah Silverman Show, http://www.avclub.com/content/tvclub/the_sarah_silverman_6??utm_source=television&utm_medium=RSS)
Made-up citation: "The Zen master smiled at the apprentice and said, 'You are not a douche-wibbler, as your family insists. You are only a wibbler-wibbler.' At this, the apprentice became enlightened."
Real citation: "French Fry-pocalypse
I see this picture and I think…ominous. If this wasn’t such a common occurrence I’d suggest this might be one of the seven signs of the apocalypse. If seagulls stole your fries wouldn’t you think it was the end of the world? Could these be the seven seagulls of the apocalypse? Yah, probably not, but they sure look angry."
(Dec. 9, 2006, Lord of the Fries, http://lordofthefries.wordpress.com/2006/12/09/french-fry-pocalypse/)
Made-up citation: "If I die today, let it be in a French-fry-pocalypse. Bury me in ketchup! Eat me with a burger. Commend my soul to...um...a good soul-commender."
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Real citation: "Errr, I've beaten the game once, though not including all the Danger room discs. I don't remember all that apocalypse stuff though. Also, the last boss is General Kincaid in his super-duper-robo-thingy-of-doom."
(April 6, 2005, UGO.com Forums, http://forums.ugo.com/archive/index.php/t-20661.html)
Made-up citation: "Child: 'Mom, can I use my super-duper-robo-thingy-of-doom in the bathtub, to destroy the bathtub and all we hold dear?' Mom: 'Yes, you may.'"
Real citation: "If the burrito is especially full or the tortilla is weak, this pressure wave can cause there to be a catastrophic tortilla wall failure or as I call it CTWF, which creates a giant mess."
(Dec. 17, 2008, WunderKraut, http://www.wunderkraut.com/index.php/archives/2008/12/17/how-to-eat-a-burrito/)
Made-up citation: "I'm moving to Switzerland, where even CTWF and hurt feelings are covered by universal health care. I'm not as indestructible as I look, you know. I suffer, and I bleed, and when spilled burrito parts fall in the bleeding wound, I cry too."
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Real citation: "Do not get me wrong, I am enamoured (enthralled?) as the next red-blooded hombre by Penthouse Letters and senseless violence. However, the main reason this venture doesn't quite do it for me is the fact Tom is such an obvious candidate for the Ted-Bundy-of-the-Month club from the start. And his comportment of himself at the end of the piece, though ogreish, is really no surprise. This particular lack of character range serves to magnify the propaganda aspect of the venture when that aspect (propaganda) needs must be almost seamlessly and transparently embedded in a work in order for it to transcend that pejorative label."
(Aug. 25, 2006, TQR Confidential, http://tqrarchive.blogspot.com/2006/08/terminal-discussion-for-fall-issue-o6.html)
Made-up citation: "I like being a guy. It makes dating easier. There are so many bottom-feeding, horror-spreading, mega-drooling dudes out there, that if you're not a member of the Ted-Bundy-of-the-month club, you appear to be a great catch, even if you're not. The bar, it is low."
Real citation: "For maximum Odinosity, you would probably need to have a single corneal transplant and then leave the other eye alone."
(Jan. 22, 2008, Livejournal, http://lilmissnever.livejournal.com/89104.html?thread=1191440)
Made-up citation: "With sounds and sights of Santa and Jesus attacking the general populace like angry bears upon a jam-covered teenager, it is hard to keep Odinosity in mind. But the faithful shall be rewarded! Someday, Odin's ravens may poop on your head, if you want it bad enough."
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Real citation: "The problems i had with my clutch was different. I had noise when the clutch was loaded between 1st and 2nd especially uphill.
Can you describe the noise, as i have a noise like a boom boom boom ish kinda noise... duh duh duh noise and there is vibration."
(Jan. 17, 2004, Astra Owners Club Forum, http://www.astraownersclub.com/vb/archive/index.php/t-1274.html)
Made-up citation: "I love you, sweet Gwendolyn. When we're together, my heart makes boom-boom-boom-ish noises, and I get a sharp pain in my arm, along with lightheadedness, anxiety, and a feeling of impending doom. Without you, I'd never make it to the hospital. This IV's for you!"
Real citation: "Will only speak up to defend the non-dweebiness of Adrien Brody in King Kong. Just dreamy, please.
But seriously, isn't he supposed to be more of a theatrical demigod? Doesn't that automatically make him not a dweeb? (Technicality, I realize.)"
(Dec. 20, 2005, EW.com, http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2005/12/double_vision_k.html)
Made-up citation: "Non-dweebiness cannot be bought; it must be earned--except for this week only at the Non-dweeb Store's HOLIDAY BLOWOUT. Be afraid!"
Real citation: "Magda just gave directions to two sets of tourists. Fortunately she was wearing a leg burqa (jeans) so they paid attention."
(Magda P., Dec. 14, 2008, Facebook status update)
Made-up citation: "I slipped on half-melted ice and crashed into a puddle, soaking my stylish leg burqa. Though my discourse is elevated by such exotic terminology, I still felt like an ass."
Monday, December 15, 2008
Real citation: "I have smelled a lot of gross things in my life. But I have NEVER I repeat NEVER smelled anything as horrible or wretched in my entire existence on this planet!
This incident happened 4 years ago people! I can still remember the horribleness.
Clearly I am suffering from Post Traumatic Olfactory Disorder. I need help."
(Nov. 12, 2008, Mrs007, http://www.mrs007.com/mommyville/lip-gloss-in-the-dogs-butt/)
Made-up citation: "Since I have no sense of smell, post-traumatic olfactory disorder is not a condition I suffer often. I wish I could say the same thing about subdural hematomas!"
Real citation: "Ping pong shui is hard to master."
(Dec. 7, 2008, Jyte, http://jyte.com/cl/ping-pong-shui-is-hard-to-master)
Made-up citation: "As your therapist, I think it's time you stopped working on your mommy issues, your daddy issues, and the way you feel about your robotic liver. Spend a month perfecting your ping pong shui and come back to the couch. After that, we'll tour the world as a table tennis doubles team. Then, finally, after over thirty years, I will achieve my destiny."
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Real citation: "If I'm marshalling the 90, it will have to be a real big one. Maybe I should bring along the 'Depoopinator 3000" heavy duty industrial plunger."
(Jan. 24, 2008, Slotblog!, http://slotblog.net/index.php?s=d08f611dc0d161ab0ac68942aa9e5189&showtopic=4919&pid=86142&st=20&#entry86142)
Made-up citation: "Nurse, hand me the depoopinator. Hmm. Doesn't seem to be getting the job done. Do we still have the marmot?"
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Real citation: "its caketagious, highly infections desire to consume large amounts of sugary confections..... oooohhh sugar!!"
(Sept. 18, 2008, Twitter, http://twitter.com/elfinamsterdam/statuses/925737284)
Made-up citation: "The holidays are a caketagious time, doctors warn. Is that why I've gained 40 pounds in four days, and my skin has been replaced with a thick layer of frosting? I've never felt so moist, delicious, and desirable to the opposite sex and local rodents."
Friday, December 12, 2008
Real citation: "Imagine being an Iranian-onaut(one wonders what they'll be called, besides 'The Late' something something). Iran officially announced their intentions to put a man in space in the next ten years, after sort of almost kinda making a rocket into orbit this week. And they PROMISE they are NOT planning to use any of this orbital guided rocket stuff to launch nuclear warheads at people. Riiiigght."
(Aug. 21, 2008, Livejournal, http://barry-barry.livejournal.com/)
Made-up citation: "Last night, I dreamed about an Iranian-onaut and a leprechaun. They were in love, but on opposite sides of the Cola wars. No one would give ginger ale a chance. Finally, my mother nuked Iceland, and I woke up."
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Real citation: "I see the buttlicker and buttlickee both in this thread.. baby just got back eh DL?"
(July 3, 2006, Atrip.net Forums, http://www.atrip.net/forums/archive/index.php/t-9229.html)
Made-up citation: "Don't think making me your buttlickee will help you climb the corporate ladder, son. I expect to be a whole-body-lickee by 4:00 sharp. That and the timely submission of TPS reports will take you to the top, my boy."
Related terms: Blago-something, Blago-whatever.
Real citation: "The son of famous civil rights leader Jesse Jackson, reportedly offered (through one of his flunkies) $1milllon for Barack Obama’s vacated senate seat. Gov. Blagowhatsit was right, that’s a f***in’ valuable thing. I wonder if he got a free Obama plate and coin too."
(Dec. 10, 2008, South DaCola, http://www.southdacola.com/blog/2008/12/senate-candidate-5-please-stand-up/)
Made-up citation: "Dear Gov. Blagowhatsit, I am a fourth grade student in Chicago. I just sold today's homework on the school bus for 10 bucks. When I grow up I'm going to buy the school bus and do bad things with it. We love you very much!"
Real citation: "I am the creator of the 'Hapsadasical Ipsocrackable Rocka-Doca-Doodle' study of rocks. I will be receiving my Nobel Science Lunatic Prize soon for this miraculous discovery. Please enjoy my incredible findings. They will literally 'rock' your world!"
(Aug. 7, 2008, Sheri Williams, Dave's Garden, http://davesgarden.com/guides/articles/view/1413/)
Made-up citation: "I'm a top contender for the Nobel Science Lunatic Prize this year. I created a phone that doubles as a muffin, so you can eat breakfast and talk on the phone at the same time, and all with the same orifice! That's also the same orifice I use to lick the grant money."
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Real citation: "Moving on, things have been, you know, they way they may or may not supposed to be the summer before you leave for college after a non-traditional year of life that makes you pretty sure you're ready for it. Whether or not I'll really like it is not yet the issue. It's just time to move on. It's always on my mind but it's rare that I actually really think about that. Instead, I've spent a couple days doing menial jobs for anyone in the school of the arts where my mom pimps me out. I consider myself a freelance dowhateverer."
(June 7, 2005, almost famous, http://nervouslyweird.blogspot.com/2005/06/where-do-i-start-and-where-do-i-begin.html)
Made-up citation: "Though my card says Executive Freelance Dowhateverer, I have standards. For example, I will humiliate myself, but I won't debase myself. I'll gladly become a floor-licker, but for the bathroom floor, I'll use my toothbrush. For a modest fee, I'll allow strangers to pour beer on me, but only the good stuff--start with a double IPA, please."
Related term: congressroach.
Real citation: "The entire industry is switching to all digital transmission - by 2007 the analog spectrum will be reclaimed for other uses...the new TVs DO have all of this encryption built in...so does Microsoft Vista, so do the new HD-compatible monitors, so do the new Blu-Ray and HD-DVD compatible devices, etc...
...AAAAAND, YOU, the consumer, are paying extra for ALL of it...
Enjoy it. And be sure to thank your Congress-cockroach for making it all happen for you as well..."
(Feb. 9, 2006, TippingPitchers.com, http://www.tippingpitchers.com/showthread.php?p=994087)
Made-up citation: "When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than to be a congress-cockroach when I grew up, so I could serve my country. But after spending a few years as pond scum, and then a summer as dog poo, I decided that my true destiny was to be the sewer rat my friends know and set traps for today."
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Real citation: "After all, even if the game is battle-tastic-tacular-gasm worthy, it'd get old if you had to play it alone or in a foreign language."
(Jan. 14, 2008, Triple Peeps Productions, http://www.triplepeeps.com/boards/viewtopic.php?p=3363&sid=db006ade5e99f72e837a496250094541)
Made-up citation: "So your spaceship is battle-tested, huh? Well, my friend, did you know my astro-death-bomber is battle-tastic-tacular-gasm-worthy? Heh heh heh. Stick that in your crack pipe and smoke it till math class."
Real citation: "
Made-up citation: "I'd like to help you with your problem, sir; I truly would. In fact, I'm going to try to get my who-gives-a-shit on right now... OK, here goes: trying, trying, trying, ughhhhhhhhh! Well, this is embarrassing. I couldn't quite summon the energy, even from the innermost depths of my being, depths that have seldom been plumbed, even by professional plumbers. Guess you're out of luck. So's your face."
Monday, December 08, 2008
Real citation: "BUT DUDE BATMAN HAS EVERYTHING ON HIS BELT!!
'OH NO BATMAN! THOSE SIZZLING HAMBURGARS ARE ABOUT TO BURN AND RUIN MEMORIAL-DAY DINNER!!!'
'Don't worry, Robin. I'll simply flip out my trusty bat-spatula! Now, lets go take those photos of you in your underwear... so I can get that new suit fit just right for you.... yeah.'"
(May 29, 2006, Delteria Forums, http://forums.delteria.com/index.php?s=d7cadf5d75bd8b6d01e0b3453f3530e3&showtopic=1159&st=0&p=18194&#entry18194)
Made-up citation: "My marriage to Mindy was going so well. We had children, a house, three cars, and six TVs. Then she found the Bat-spatula, hidden in the deepest bowels of our basement, where I thought it was safe from prying eyes and foul fingers. How do you explain that to your soulmate? Super-kitchen-utensils weren't part of our wedding vows, much to my chagrin..."
Related terms: henchboobs, hench-bunny-men, henchchicken, hench-commissioner, henchdoofus, henchdork, henchgoon, henchmoron, henchnoncorporeal being, hench-poodle, henchscum, underhenchling.
Real citation: "I searched all through the catacombs about three times over and never found a fourth artifact of Bane to open the trick door. Fortunately it was an optional quest so I quit and moved on. Did I miss something? Another little annoyance is that when the zombie girl was triggered to tell me she remembered something of her past, some cultists were a little too close and interrupted the dialogue. During the Zhentarim battle in Elventree (Elventree was beautiful, btw, I loved it!) the zombie girl went crazy and attacked Hilrad and wouldn't leave my party. I was able to get past it after painstaking maneuvers to separate the two dopes so that I could engage in conversation rather than get the 'objects are too busy killing eachother to talk' disclaimer. I also went back to a much earlier saved game point to make sure I hadn't missed something (which I had but it wasn't important. Basically Hilrad wasn't in the movie cut-scene when the beholder zapped him because he was too busy getting beat up by my hench-zombie for whatever unknown reason)."
(Aug. 17, 2007, Neverwinter Nights 2 Vault, http://nwvault.ign.com/View.php?view=Modules.Detail&id=5051&comment_page=2)
Made-up citation: "Santa, will you bring me three video games, one fire truck, and a squadron of hench-zombies? I've been having a little trouble at lunchtime. Let's see Randy Finklebottom try and take my lunch money while MY ZOMBIES ARE EATING HIS VITAL ORGANS WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND A FINE CHIANTI. Happy holidays!"
Real citation: "10:43 a.m. A man in all white clothing with a matching white gas mask wandered near a Plaza fudge shop, systematically scattering potato chips from a bag onto the sidewalk and ground. But when they arrived, Johnny Potatochipseed was gone."
(Kevin L. Hoover, Nov. 11, 2008, Arcata Eye, http://www.arcataeye.com/index.php?module=Pagesetter&tid=2&topic=7&func=viewpub&pid=1100&format=full)
Made-up citation: "I enjoy a good chip, but I'm no Johnny Potatochipseed. I only eat crumb-or-splatter-producing food in the sanctity of the home, where I can be showered, hosed, scrubbed, shined, and detoxed before reentering the public sphere. Image is everything; that's what some pretty pictures told me, anyway."
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Real citation: "Behind the screen door was a small curly-haired Brichon Fra-something-doodle. The danty dog looked like a white-haired princess who had finally been rescued by her long-lost Prince. A middle-aged man wearing a skull belt buckle appeared at the door. He looked at me. Then at Snork."
(Jen Kanyugi, 2008, L Street Running Club, http://www.lstreet.org/articles.html)
Made-up citation: "My dog looooooves white fluffballs. A Brichon Fra-something-doodle is right in his wheelhouse, as is an Australian schnauzer-doodle-whatever-poo. I think he has fluff envy, being so short-haired himself; he only wants to play with the hairballiest pooches in the park."
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Real citation: "After a couple months with his new Julio-Lugo-sized recycling dumpsterette, Ed Copp reports he is, in fact, recycling more - just like the city hoped he would:"
(Oct. 14, 2008, Universal Hub, http://www.universalhub.com/west-roxbury?page=1)
Made-up citation: "Where's a clean, polite dumpster supposed to meet a nice, shiny dumpsterette these days? Not in this dump!"
Real citation: "Head in Vend-O-Hair machine"
(Don Martin, June 1971, Doug Gilford's Mad Cover Site, http://www.collectmad.com/madcoversite/index-dmd-alphabetical.html)
Made-up citation: "I put toast in the vend-o-hair thingy again. Then I named the slice Uncle Bernard. Would you like to have tea and toast with my Uncle Bernard? Why are you running away?"
Friday, December 05, 2008
Real citation: "And Homer Simpson calls it a ba-donk-a-ma-donk."
(Ben Zimmer, Dec. 5, 2008, Visual Thesaurus, http://www.visualthesaurus.com/cm/evasive/1623/)
Made-up citation: "As an old boxing proverb puts it, 'You gotta give ba-donk-a-ma-donk to get ba-donk-a-ma-donk.' Or you can just punch people hard in the face. That works too."
Real citation: "ABC Money Quote: 'Marvel at their neighborhoods in Upper Hedge-istan, better known as Greenwich, Connecticut.' —Bill Weir, on hedge funders.
ABC Takeaway: People in Upper Hedge-istan might soon be living in Cardboard Box-istan if the economy stays on its current course."
(Adrienne Gaffney, Nov. 14, 2008, VF Daily, http://www.vanityfair.com/online/culture/2008/11/14/thursdays-news-2.html)
Made-up citation: "I'm not worried about the financial tsunami-geddon... I was a poor writer before all this started, so Cardboard Box-istan was always a likely retirement home. As long as my faithful ferret Frank lives in Shoebox-istan by my side, I'll be fine. Maybe not as fine as the giddy men in Flomax and natural male enhancement commercials, but such happiness belongs to only the celestial few."
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Real citation: "Weeeeee! Thanks so much secret santa! *uploads* Very spiffy-ish-licious!"
(Dec. 19, 2005, PPT Forum, http://www.pinkpt.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=512083&sid=3025837747b3620c0c0c311ca51c4f4b)
Made-up citation: "Whether I'm saving women and children in surgery or terrorizing lowlife criminals in alleyways, I always look spiffy-ish-licious. That's just how I was raised."
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Real citation: "Higgledy-piggledyology
Is the world simple or is it complicated? Spend too much time listening to particle physicists and you might be forgiven for thinking that the world is simple. Regaled by their popular books and lectures that wax eloquent about the essential unity and simplicity of nature, persuaded that the discovery of a single 'theory of everything' succinct enough to fit on the tiniest T-shirt is imminent, one might almost become persuaded that the world was all simplicity and symmetry."
(John D. Barlow, Physics World, Jan. 1991, http://physicsworldarchive.iop.org/index.cfm?action=summary&doc=4%2F1%2Fphwv4i1a31%40pwa-xml&qt=)
Made-up citation: "Since accepting the tenets of higgledy-piggledyology, my pool game, exorcism business, and love life have all flourished. Even my scent is more higgledy-piggledy-wiggledy, according to stray dogs."
Real citation: "Yesterday I found myself in a store that is not my favorite. But, I am a captive to the low prices and wide selection. What can I do? While shopping at said store, I split away from Garry and the kids to go find another tupperware-thingy-majigger. We're big on organizing right now. I was wearing black pants, a black shirt, and a green sweater. My hair was a hopeless mess. Make-up? Not sure if I really had any on. It wasn't my best day."
(Nov. 12, 2008, Loving & Laughing & Joy, http://thecunninghamblog.blogspot.com/2008/11/not-that-theres-anything-wrong-with-it.html)
Made-up citation: "Nurse, pass the tupperware-thingy-majigger! These vital organs are going to make vital leftovers, stat!"
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Real citation: "After generations of varying degrees of being marginally Jewish, and pretending to be Episcopal or Methodist, my great grandmother married an Irish Catholic and was disowned. Then he got ex-communicated for nun-napping. So he converted to Judaism, and they became fairly observant, joining a Chassidic group for awhile, before raising their children Reform."
(Dec. 7, 2004, Family Origins, http://fff.fathom.org/forums/showthread.php?t=18159)
Made-up citation: "You can divide humanity into two categories: nun-napping and non-nun-napping. That's what I've believed all my life, and it's still true today."
Real citation: "Question, does that missing sticker mean the trunk is a replacement. The paint seems to match the rest (insofar as crapped-up-ness)."
(April 11, 2007, The BMW 3 Series (E36) Forum, http://forums.roadfly.com/forums/bmw/bmw-3-series-e36/8357113-1.html)
Made-up citation: "My people say, 'Do not blame God for having created the crapped-up-ness, but thank Him for not having given it wings.' I hate my people."
Real citation: "Stigmata schmigmata: Vatican turns away followers from 'new Padre Pio'"
(March 3, 2008, Schmuckraker, http://www.schmuckraker.com/2008/03/latest-polls-from-texas-and-ohio-show.html)
Made-up citation: "Schmangelina's schmigmata! Schmelebuturds schmanoodling! Schmaby schmumps! I love my all-Yiddish tabloid."
Monday, December 01, 2008
Real citation: "they make ectoplasm flavored popcorn now?"
(Dec. 20, 2007, Ye Olde Examme Committee, http://www.actuarialoutpost.com/actuarial_discussion_forum/archive/index.php/t-121594-p-42.html)
Made-up citation: "Life is like a choice between ectoplasm-flavored lemonade and grandmother-flavored root beer. That's why they call it life."
Related term: robo-mommy.
Real citation: "Dear Pixie,
My robo-maternal clock is ticking. Get over here, you.
(Sept. 25, 2008, OtakuBooty, http://otakubooty.com/of.asp?id_post=211492&tab=6&action=st&r=177&page=9)
Made-up citation: "I never had robo-maternal feelings till I bought the Nano-Reproductive Artifact 6000... Now I couldn't be prouder--and neither could my robo-loins."
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Real citation: "hehe! i don't do anything but humourous stuff at the moment it seems o.O; altho in future plans hikari's actually not at all comedy-y! i was thinking the other day how wierd its going to be to work on a non-comedy comic XD"
(Dec, 2, 2007, Livejournal, http://wikivic.livejournal.com/152309.html)
Made-up citation: "Having a bunch of dogs around means every day is at least kinda comedy-y. I'm amazed when Monkey sticks his ass in Jed's face while simultaneously biting Jed in the face. Monkey's face and ass are occupying the same space/face! That's not only funny; it's cosmologically significant."
Real citation: "I think that was pickling. I will give his co-doofus credit for one honest statement; TENNENT: It's all very confusing to me.
If they both just repeated that sentence for their entire show, instead of trying to give demented history lessons, they'd have some credibility."
Made-up citation: "'I'm not looking for a life partner--a co-doofus would be just fine,' said my Uncle Edgar to a squirrel, who cursed himself for his lifelong, bittersweet, tragic nut addiction."
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Real citation: "What happened the day after both candidates expressed their views? Infotainment hacks came to the consensus that Sen. Obama’s inexperience was showing while Sen. Clinton demonstrated the kind of superior judgment she gets from . . . from . . . well, from sleeping with a working President, I suppose. Yet that is a bizarro version of what actually happened. Sen. Clinton, apparently fearful of being branded as unwise by the same media airheads legitimizing this President’s nuclear 'bunker buster' initiative, decided that she too had to be cuckoo for nuke-o-puffs."
(Oct. 1, 2007, What You Should Think, http://demonweed.wordpress.com/2007/10/01/what-you-should-think-about-presidential-debates/)
Made-up citation: "The true story of the real Count Chocula is a sad one that's been whitewashed by history. He was struck down before his time by a tragic bowl of nuke-o-puffs. That's not the worst part: the whereabouts of Cap'n Crunch were never determined."
Friday, November 28, 2008
Real citation: "UPDATE: 1/19/08) Canada has just issued a semi-quasi-half-baked apology for including the U.S. on their 'Torture Watch List. (but we're still on it)'"
(Jan. 19, 2008, Carpe Baloney, http://carpebaloney.blogspot.com/2008/01/olio-n-miscellaneous-collectionas-below.html)
Made-up citation: "Enough! I'm tired of your semi-quasi-half-baked plans for world domination and damsel endangerment. What kind of secret lair of evil geniuses is this? We couldn't mwah-ha-ha our way out of a paper bag."
Real citation: "I'm going to beg to differ about his douchitude. While I admit whitey isn't classical, paleo-douche, he fits what has come to be called neo-douche. Neo douche is one who, without provocation or authorization, attacks sovereign hotties."
(Feb. 19, 2007, Hot Chicks with Douchebags, http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2007/02/pogo-stick.html)
Made-up citation: "As I get older, gradually inserting one piggy after another into the grave, it's not the graying of my hair or the defirming of these once-proud buttocks that I object to: it's the prospect of being labeled a paleo-douche after I'm dead, in a tasteful display at the Field Museum, from which I would educate thousands of schoolchildren a year. That is a terrible legacy. What did thousands of schoolchildren ever do for me?"
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Real citation: "We apologize in advance for subjecting you to this image of leading Hollywood torture-pornographer/ turkeysploitation visionary Eli Roth, but we felt that today's combination of disturbing Lindsay Lohan and Brian Grazer imagery, while certainly distressing on its own, probably wouldn't leave any lasting psychological scars."
(June 4, 2007, Defamer, http://defamer.com/hollywood/annals-of-marketing/the-uncut-eli-roth-265804.php)
Made-up citation: "Stop this turkeysploitation film! Send home the basters and fluffers! You are turning Thanksgiving dinner into a Dan Savage column, Mom. Again!"
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Real citation: "Fourth Horseman of the Tire-Swing-pocalypse?"
(Josh Marshall, Sept. 15, 2008, Talking Points Memo, http://www.talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/217165.php)
Made-up citation: "As a camp counselor for eight years, I was lucky enough to never encounter a tire-swing-pocalypse. Good thing too. Three tether-ball-geddons a summer kept me busy enough."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Real citation: "Nice hearing from you my brother, keep up the enthusiasmgasm and being a good guy. Cheers my man. Stay healthy, you never know, we could be the best damn tag team. Ill lock on the sharpshooter as perfect to Bret as i do haha, and you can drop a nice legdrop or maybe flying headbutt onto the piece of trash that decided he wanted some of Mike dagger and Scotty Primo. Peace bro ; Puerto Rico 4 - Life."
(July 23, 2008, MySpace, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=55209802)
Made-up citation: "I admit it. I'm having an enthusiasmgasm for the series finale of The Shield tonight. I don't really know what to do with myself. I tried chewing the bark off a tree, and that didn't help. I held my horses--tightly--and that didn't help. I would turn to my favorite refreshing beverage, but I don't want to watch the finale through grain alcohol goggles."
Real citation: "Between his views on abortion, the separation of church and state, and evolution, Paul earns three strikes on the batshit-o-meter. Thanks for playing and we have some lovely parting gifts."
(Dec. 18, 2007, unreasonable.org, http://unreasonable.org/node/1617)
Made-up citation: "We hope you enjoy the Apple Batshit-o-meter Nano. For best results, do not use in conditions of extreme cuckoo-ness, like death cults and Thanksgiving dinners."
Monday, November 24, 2008
Real citation: "Jean Chretien, finally, had a ... no, on the other hand, he seems not to have had any vision at all. What he did have, however, was the common touch. He may have been a thug, a weasel, and a slimeball, but he could connect with Canadians and make them believe that thuggery, weaselhood, and slimeballitude were reasonable traits that, you know, a reasonable person would have. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the politician's art."
(Nov. 14, 2005, The Amazing Wonderdog, http://barkingmadly.blogspot.com/2005/11/hide-razor-blades.html)
Made citation: "The average American President has had a slimeballitude quotient of 263.5, yet Barack Obama only scored 17.9, according to political scientists in my mind."
Real citation: "Solid. Enjoy all the Vic Mackey-ness."
(Dec. 21, 2007, Jinxworld Forums, http://www.606studios.com/bendisboard/archive/index.php/t-136015-p-15.html)
Made-up citation: "Despite the risks of death, disgrace, and imprisonment, my therapist says I should cultivate more Vic Mackey-ness in my life. It seems I'm wallowing in Mr. Mackey-ness, a common hormonal condition characterized by whimpering 'M'kay' when I should be barking 'Drop it!'"
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Real citation: "GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST!!!!
Your new photo is SASQUATCHTASTIC!"
(Feb. 1, 2007, MySpace, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=45796020)
Made-up citation: "My dog is so unprepared for the Chicago winter; he has never been mistaken for a sasquatchtastic beast. Fortunately, he pees and poos like a Christmas miracle, or a speeding bullet, whichever is faster."
Real citation: "Another one swallowed up by a soul-sucking mainstream game company...
A fellow soul-suckee."
(Jan. 25, 2008, GarageGames, http://origin-www.garagegames.com/blogs/38534/14198)
Made-up citation: "Though I don't believe in souls, ghosts, or were-proctologists, even I felt like a sad, stammering soul-suckee after grad school, clutching my dissertation in one hand and a bucket of grain alcohol in the other. By Odin's ravens, you don't want to know what my feet were clutching."
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Real citation: "McCain and (We're the First! We're the First!) Schtup-a-Lobbyistgate: A Lot of Questions"
(Feb. 20, 2008, Hoffmania!, http://www.hoffmania.com/blog/2008/02/mccain-and-were.html)
Made-up citation: "The ramifications of Schtup-a-lobbyistgate are still being felt in the tri-state area, where the schtupped and the unschtupped, the lobbied and the unlobbied, live out their dreams."