non-assbag

adj. Take a non-toxic douchebag assface. Subtract a toxic doucheface. Rinse.

Related terms: assbag, assbaggy, assbaggish, assbaggery.

Real citation: "tiered? how much for the non-assbag usenet service?"
(pale blue. http://www.doublebagel.com/irclog/?date=2003-07-01&hour=21)

Made-up citation: "It's only been three weeks, but I think Chicago is the most non-assbaggy place I've ever lived."

tight-buttitude

noun. We're probably not talking about a bootyliciously firm heinie here--more like a goddamn clenchbutted state of affairs.

Related terms: suck-buttitude, kick-buttitude, needle-buttitude.

Real citation: "The only whites exempt from tight-buttitude are two kids (kids are hip by default in such stories, and are by nature more wise than their benighted parents) and a curious mutant creature played by Eugene Levy -- a middle-class laywer so up on the very latest urban lingo that each of his utterances seems like a tape recorded reading of a hip-hop lexicon."
("ugh...," March 18, 2003, http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A2QN6WUEPY82P2/002-6742189-6220830)

Made-up citation: "Christ's faithful freely assume this manner of life in institutes of consecrated life which are canonically established by the competent ecclesiastical authority. By vows or by other sacred bonds, in accordance with the laws of their own institutes, they profess the evangelical counsels of chastity, poverty and tight-buttitude. Because of the charity to which these counsels lead, they are linked in a special way to the Church and its intestinal tract."

insta-redemption

noun. If Christ had crucified in a microwave...

Real citation: "Todd was sentenced to eight years in prison, but in a soapy act of insta-redemption, was pardoned for his crimes when he saved Marty, Jessica and C.]. Roberts from a car crash."
(http://www.susanhaskell.com/sh_sid_02-03-04.htm)

Made-up citation: "Just as Easy Cheese only partly resembles cheese, insta-redemption may not be chock full o' redeeming goodness."

barbarianette

noun. A barbaric woman, with or without a chain-metal brassiere by Victoria's Cavewomanly Secret.

Related terms: barbarianess.

Real citation: "WORST: How can I leave out DC's Starfire, the s-f barbarianette with the Ur-80s outfit: not just one sleeve missing from her body-suit, but the opposite leg, too!"
(prince hal, March 13, 2005, http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=46097&page=2)

Made-up citation: "Fie, fie upon thee, barbarianette!"

doctorcest

noun. Mmm...medical waste. It's so good to taste.

Real citation: "Doctorcest lives on."
(this is it, "2-9: "Thanks For The Memories" 2005.11.20," Nov. 20, 2005, Television Without Pity, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=3133130&st=90)

Made-up citation: "ESL students should note that when two proctologists make the beast with two assholes, the proper term is 'ass-doctorcest.'"

pandarazzi

noun. When Bennifer, Brangelina, TomKat, and Vaughinston can't be found, get thy camera-wielding ass in front of a panda pronto.

Real citation: "A confession: Our distaste at the pandarazzi popping flash pics of Butterstick was momentarily outweighed by the desperate need to document his mind-melting adorability."
("Butterstick Live," Nov. 21, 2005, Wonkette, http://www.wonkette.com/politics/butterstick/butterstick-live-138525.php)

Made-up citation: "Every time a panda eats a member of the pandarazzi, an angel earns the right to sodomize a koala."

shit-tastic-ness

noun. Look deep into something that is not the shit, and this ye shall find.

Real citation: "Eh, your art is kind good, where'd you learn?: Self taught. Reasons for all the weird shit-tastic-ness."
(http://www.freewebs.com/stormyness/profile.htm)

Made-up citation: "I despise shit-tastic-ness, though I have a certain weakness for crud."

hellbeastish

adj. Not cuddly. Not recommended by doctors.

Real citation: "That's only a facade against her real hellbeastish nature."
(KnightKain, May 1, 2005, http://72.14.203.104/search?q=cache:esBQTwntyXUJ:68.85.141.253/gfbrowser3/boards/msglst.php%3Fboard%3D217%26topic%3D18856092%26page%3D11+hellbeastish&hl=en)

Made-up citation: "Hamsters are rarely hellbeastish."

learning juice

noun. Beer.

Real citation: "Expand my brain, learning juice!"
(Homer Simpson, "See Homer Run," The Simpsons, Nov. 20, 2005)

Made-up citation: "Grad school without learning juice would be like a monkey without a banana--very problematic and pedagogically unsound."

BYOC

adj. Bring your own crack, mothertrucker.

Real citation: "its a BYOC party (bring your own crack)...I will supply stolen natural light from firefighter dave's personal collection."
(urt, Nov. 27, 2003, http://ceg.ognnet.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=3864&sid=4a1b3e2329181c5b6acba97ca772256f)

Made-up citation: "Indiana Jones said, 'Don't bring a knife to a gunfight,' much like my mom, who said, 'Don't bring a potentially lethal speedball cocktail to a BYOC party.'"

dark-avenger-y

adj. Me and Batman get described this way all the time.

Real citation: "Oh, God, he thought, please tell me I didn’t just think that! Helping the helpless? I’m turning into my sodding grandad - next thing you know, I’ll be poncing around all Dark Avenger-y. I need another plan."
(Aurelio Zen, "Vita Nova," http://www.allaboutspike.com/chapter.html?id=210&expid=605)

Made-up citation: "Just because I maim criminals, wear black, rescue damsels, and brood like a banshee doesn't mean I'm a dark-avenger-y dude. On the inside, I'm a little sorority girl."

metric booty-load

noun. This is like, a lot, man.

Related terms: metric buttload, metric assload, metric arseload, metric heinie-load, metric poop-load, metric poo-load, metric shitload, metric crapload, metric fuckload, metric boatload, metric truckload, metric smurfload, metric cuntload, metric dickload, metric cockload, metric pantload, metric pantsload, metric jesus-load.

Real citation: "I know that X11 is a protocol, defining an abstraction of a user interface, "mechanism, not policy", so that there a metric booty-load of libraries wrap it and expose it to various other technologies."
(Anonymous Coward, March 17, 2004, http://linux.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=04/03/17/226216&tid=110&tid=152&tid=104)

Made-up citation: "John Cage said, 'Do nothing for one reason only.' I say a metric booty-load of reasons is even better."

non-fugly-blubber-wad

adj. Easy on the fugliness, heavy on the blubber, and waddy as all get out.

Real citation: "Nor, even, was the uptick the result of Holly Marie Combs's efforts, which waned as Combs the actress took a backseat to Combs the mother of an actual, honest-to-God non-dead-eyed non-bemulleted non-fugly-blubber-wad infant of her own."
(Demian, "TWoP Staff Round-Up," page 6, Television Without Pity, http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/story.cgi?show=56&story=8159&page=6&sort=&limit=)

Made-up citation: "I'm a non-schmuckish, non-gigantamundo, non-penis-centric, non-lame-oid, non-surgical-glove-clad, non-fugly-blubber-wad guidance counselor. I love sushi, a sense of humor, puggles, money, Rocky IV, and smoking crack till I oscillate like a broken grandfather clock."

looner-laden

adj. 1. Full of many fine citizens who are sexually-stimmed by balloons. 2. Full of garden-variety, batshit-nutty wackjobs of no particular fetish or faith.

Real citation:
Materials:
Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including, if applicable, how they were obtained).
One fabulous outfit
One looner-laden balloon fetish event
Balloons (provided at the event), including one giant green balloon (also provided at the event)
(Rev. Jen Miller, "I Did It for Science," Nerve, http://www.nerve.com/regulars/ididitforscience/revjen/004/)

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'a looner-laden workplace is preferable to a leprechaun-laden men's room.'"

mega-fuckered

adj. Mega-schnockered; mega-lubricated; mega-marinated; mega-blotto; mega-woo-hoo!

Real citation: "Its eiother that or get mega fuckered on Booze"
(http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=%22mega+fuckered%22)

Made-up citation: "In my small start-up religion, we teach morals and standards. We also believe the world was designed and manufactured by a mega-fuckered monkey with a migraine, which explains a lot."

neglectitude

noun. Junior's having another lead paint sundae.

Real citation: "I think I'll put it next to my Proust volumes that taunt me with their unreadness and neglectitude. peace out..."
(yerger224, January 29, 2004, http://www.chicklit.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=print_topic;f=1;t=000372)

Made-up citation: "Neglectitude is a form of abuse you won't find in the dictionary--though it's quite plentiful in Uncle Ricky's basement."

asstardishness

noun. A little assy, a little tard-like, and a big bucket of stupid.

Real citation: "With 10.3.3, pretty much all that's needed is updates for new hardware, and general bugfixes to correct some of the asstardishness other users have brought up."
(solios, May 19, 2005, http://macslash.org/comments.pl?sid=4524&cid=73253)

Made-up citation: "Howard Gardner has identified eight different intelligences, but big whup. I've noticed 74 different types of asstardishness in my family alone."

ball-lickery

noun. Do I have to draw you a diagram?

Real citation: "We happen to enjoy Nocera's work, and we understand that, if you're going to be the lead columnist for the business section of a major American newspaper, a certain amount of Bentonville ball-lickery is part of the package, but, you know, that might be the kind of thing you check before you put yourself out like that. Just sayin'."
("D Section," Nov. 8, 2005, The Minor Fall, The Major Lift, http://www.popfactor.com/tmftml/archives/002221.html#002221)

Made-up citation: "Without ball-lickery and ass-kissage, my political career would have been more solitary and sanitary."

collective clitoris

noun. The MILF of all sweet spots.

Related terms: collective vagina, collective ass, collective groin, collective testicles, collective penis, collective penis envy.

Real citation: "Then we're introduced to Ben Affleck and his glittering female appendage. I couldn't help but think of Matt Damon in his latest vehicle to fame, rolling in the sheets with his requisite gurl/prop, showing the world what a hunk he is. It occurred to me that these two would-be action heroes are battling for the collective clitoris of America. Yuck."
(David Wilson McLeish, "film review: Sum of All Fears sucks worse than feared," http://www.peak.sfu.ca/the-peak/2002-2/issue9/ar-soaf.html)

Made-up citation: "I think it's safe to say Sarah Silverman has her mouth on the collective clitoris this week."

motherprober

noun. A Martian motherfucker with an analicious foreign policy.

Real citation: "First of all motherfucker you will not call me names...Shitstain, backwash, cunthair, felchblossom, fucktard, assbandit, dicklicker, ballhog, child rapist, fuckstain, craproll, moron, retard, mongoloid, cripple, palsypussy, splitcock, scatwipe, anal vapor, motherprober, rectal spelunker, dicknipple, pedophile, uphill gardener, leakycolon, incontinence diaper, tamponmouth, Cowper's mower, anusflosser, lactoid, cunt, dumbfuck, idiot, lardo, four-eyes, creepy, stupid dummy dumb pants, ass-sauce."
(K. Thor Jensen, Portal of Evil, http://friends.portalofevil.com/sp.php?si=3&fi=000007814&ti=1000125070&pi=1000125285)

Made-up citation: "'Better a motherprober than a ratprober,' as Mom used to say."

roll up one's campsite

idiom. Shrivelage, shrinkage, and all-around retreat of the phallic structure upon which all civilization is erected. Ouch.

Real citation: "I gotta tell you, that rolled up my campsite."
(Stephen Colbert, Nov. 3, 2005, The Colbert Report)

Made-up citation: "Oozing cysts are ishy. I have to say they roll up my campsite, especially when they ooze on my crotch or buckwheat pancakes."

smooth move, Shrub-lax

idiom. You have done another fine job, Mr. President!

Related terms: smooth move, space-lax; smooth move, TGU-lax; smooth move, hex-lax.

Real citation: "smooth move shrub-lax"
(dshepard, Dec. 3, 2003, http://www.netwerk-x.com/archives/2003_12.html)

Made-up citation: "I doubt Dick Cheney has the time for niceties like 'smooth move, Shrub-lax' when dealing with his hench-executive. He's more of a 'smooth move, fuck-lax' kind of supervillain."

non-brain-hurty

adj. Easy on the ol' corpus callosum.

Real citation: "Thanks Brian! :) Incidentally, you won. "hello world".println() has bit the dust. We're now the non-brain-hurty version of println("hello world"). I'm sure further down the line if we twist bob's arm he might figure out how to make parentheses optional so that: println "hello world" will be possible to make it a little less noisy."
(James Strachan, Oct. 30, 2003, http://kasparov.skife.org/blog-live/src/groovy/trying-groovy.writeback)

Made-up citation: "After a mere four beers, I am capable of performing only the most non-brain-hurty activities, like skipping and drooling. And more drinking."

doofusbreath

noun. Not curable by mouthwash. May be alleviated by lobotomy or hockey stick.

Real citation: "He said “good morning” to me in that incredibly annoying whinny wishy-washy voice of his when I entered – GOODJOB DOOFUSBREATH! IT IS 20:00, and I’m saying that instead of 8:00 PM, because the latter is too COMPLICATED for your TINY BRAIN to GRASP!"
(July 21, 2005, http://64.233.167.104/search?q=cache:J2uBLCKhphgJ:www.finderofart.com/details/details.php%3Finfo%3Dcourses%2520art%2520sculpture%2520ct+doofusbreath&hl=en)

Made-up citation: "After painfully slogging through grad school, I have earned the esteemed title of 'Dr. Doofusbreath.'"

organic breeding vat

noun. A woman--according to certain judges and deities.

Real citation: "Sorry gals, you're just organic breeding vats, wholly owned by Husband, Inc. You are commanded to get over it. And fetch me some coffee."
(NTodd, "Axlotl Tanks," Oct. 31, 2005, http://www.dohiyimir.org/2005/10/axlotl_tanks.html)

Made-up citation: "Someday, my little girl is going to be the first organic breeding vat to kick in the NFL. If we're blessed!"

nature's cockblock

noun. They are sometimes known as rugrats, miniature adults, elves, gnomes, spawn, or house apes.

Real citation: "When they were in bed together, I couldn't even look at the screen. I was like 'no sex...please...no sex'. But then the boy came in. Thank God. Ahhh...children - nature's cockblock."
(MysticRose, "Nip/Tuck," Nov. 10, 2005, Television Without Pity, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=2864952&view=findpost&p=3943697)

Made-up citation: "If it weren't for nature's cockblock, there would be even more of nature's cockblock. And the world would not be peopled. Or would it?"

smegmatude

noun. Holy grilled dick cheese, Batman!

Real citation: "First reports had the smegmatude at 8.2"
(http://www.subgenius.com/bigfist/FIST2004-1/mar2k5/x/PhuketGetsPhukkedAgainX.html)

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'A palooka with a bazooka and a dude with smegmatude were found dead in a shed.' Or was that by Emily Dickinson?"

mattressable

adj. Hot; sponge-worthy; boink-worthy; fuckable; tie-to-the-bedable; conjugalicious.

Real citation: "My poor keelhauled heart is a tattered vessel now. He used to crack wise about her thick ankles, smiling like a leopard. But watching his eyes poodle after her Manolo Blahniks on that Milan runway, I knew he still found her only too mattressable."
(Rob McClure Smith, "Masonry," http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid=1038&id=624012004)

Made-up citation: "I don't feel very mattressable these days, but I'm still park-benchable, ladies!"

douchebagtastic

adj. This word aptly describes conduct unbecoming a decent, upstanding, non-douchebaggy person.

Real citation: "Hahah, that's actually pretty funny and shows pretty well that we're all overreacting about this. Lizard is being his usual douchebagtastic self, so it shouldn't be surprising that plagiarism is another offence added to his reportoire. Oh well, nobody will care about Warcraft3Forums.com in a week anyway."
(MrNoogies, Nov. 12, 2004, http://www.warcraft3.com/idealbb/view.asp?pageNo=21&topicID=36449&num=20)

Made-up citation: "'Douchebagtastic Duck' would not be a popular ice cream flavor or Chinese entree, though it would be a fine handle for a villainous person of poultry."

boinkery

noun. I think I read about this in the Bible.

Related terms: boinkage, mindboink, clusterboink, nanny-boinking, motherboinker.

Real citation: "They tend more towards humanish types being boinked, though they do toss in the occasional demon or elf for boinkery."
(Dave Winger, Aug. 24, 2002, http://groups-beta.google.com/group/alt.fan.furry/msg/51d517b67b2fd155?hl=en)

Made-up citation: "In spring, a young dude's thoughts turn to boinkery. In a dumpster, a young rat's thoughts turn to 'yippee!'"

brown one's Cheese Doodles

idiom. Annoyance has arrived. In my brain. WHICH I'M ABOUT TO CHEW OFF.

Related terms: grate one's cheese, burn one's toast, burn one's waffles.

Real citation: "Yes, we armchair critics resent being impugned, it browns our Cheese Doodles getting backhanded like that--especially by the editorial el supremo who allows one of his reporters to kinda sorta "drift" back on her own into the national security realm and, by not reining in that drift, forces the New York Times to defend her indefensible behavior and suffer millions of dollars in legal fees compounded by an incalculable loss of trust."
(James Wolcott, Oct. 16, 2005, "Flame On, Flame Off, " http://jameswolcott.com/archives/2005/10/flame_on_flame.php)

Made-up citation: "Things that brown my Cheese Doodles something fierce: organized religion, free-form religion, exploding toilets."

diddly-doodly-fucking-squat

noun. Blah blah nada-cakes.

Real citation: "Why the fuck am I so scared of what's going to happen in the future, too? What can I do about it? That's right, diddly-doodly-fucking-squat. I've managed to deal with so many things in my mind that have dragged me down in the past, but I'm still clinging to this whole..image, of everything."
(Jan. 19, 2005, http://www.myotaku.com/users/red/life/3)

Made-up citation: "On a scale of diddly-doodly-fucking-squat to ten, how awesome is my mathematical prowess?"

manhoodiness

noun. The throbbing essence of manhooditude, including assorted testicular stuff and nonsense.

Real citation: "i'm secure enough in my manhoodiness to acknowledge someone elses good looks."
(5chw4r7z, Sept. 23, 2004, Land of Bob, http://landofbob.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=661&view=previous)

Made-up citation: "Don't question my manhoodiness. I have the strength of ten leprechauns."

henchho

noun. A henchperson who may be in it only for the money. And the hot monkey sex.

Related terms: henchdork, henchslut, henchgoon, henchvamp, henchdog, henchrat, henchscum, henchidiot, henchbabe, henchmidget, henchmoron, henchminion.

Real citation: "I agree about the anti-$cieno slant, and it is just fine with me. It also seems like a lot of those 4400 Center people like to wear black pants and jackets/coats with baby blue shirts. Collier and his henchho both had that outfit on at the opening of the center (most noticeable when she's passing books to him to sign), and then Shawn wore it for just about the rest of the episode."
(quirkychick, "The 4400: Is This Because I'm A Scientologist?," June 5, 2005, Television Without Pity, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=3116566&view=findpost&p=3067255)

Made-up citation: "For my new apartment, I need a bed, a desk, some curtains, a few henchhos, and a smoothie-maker."

non-human-esque

adj. Good country people? Not so much.

Real citation: "One of the only non-human-esque movement-limitations is that you cannot raise his legs higher than a sitting position (so Spidey cannot hug his knees up to his chin). Other than that, the range of movement is really amazing."
(March 19, 2004, http://www.epinions.com/content_132953247364)

Made-up citation: "'Non-human-esque doesn't have to mean non-romantic,' said the Danish citizen to the cheese danish."

cronytastic

adj. Fantastically chock full o' cronies, like a certain administration I've read about somewhere.

Related terms: cronylicious.

Real citation: "Speaking of the City Paper and getting pissed on, a few days ago, I suggested that the new stadium for the Nationals be called "The Plantation." I am one prescient motherfucker. The City Paper has documented the plans for the new arena and my god the place is going to be one cronytastic megalopolis."
(TheDCeiver, "DCeptette: City drenched in scat version," Oct. 12, 2005, http://dceiver.blogspot.com/2005/10/dceptette-city-drenched-in-scat.html)

Made-up citation: "If I had power--absolute, omnipotent, soul-crushing power--I'd be as cronytastic as they come. I'd rather hire a braindead candy-bar thief I know than a Mother Theresa type with a 200 I.Q. and a resume that goes all the way down to the floor that I don't."

schmoopiepants

noun. Who's my little schmoopiepants? You're my little schmoopiepants! Yes, yes you are!

Related terms: sugarpants, sweetpants, candypants, honeypants.

Real citation: "lovey dovey schmoopiepants"
(spacekitty, Match 11, 2004, http://www.cornertable.org/cgi-bin/cgiforum.pl?action=showentry&thesection=default&entry=3590&start=&end=0)

Made-up citation: "'Schmoopiepants' is an excellent name for a purebred poodle, a cuddle monkey, or a Vice President's chief of staff."

buttillion

noun. That's a lot of zeroes, man.

Related terms: bazillion, gazillion, flazillion, quatrillion, katrillion, bagillion, bajillion, kajillion, mazillion, zazillion, fafillion, kazillion, fuckillion, frigillion, shizillion, shazillion, crapillion.

Real citation: "Everything Spielberg looks at sideways and backways makes a buttillion dollars anymore (yes, that's a lot of dollars)."
(March 6, 2002, http://www.chatterwaul.com/odd/archives/0302.php?id=572&cmt=1)

Made-up citation: "Generally speaking, an assman has a buttillion reasons to love the heinies of the bootylicious."