Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Evil empires, summer cabbage, and pharmacogenomics

Does your inner child have an inner ear infection? Maybe you need to unleash, discover, release, embrace, or spank one of the many hidden entities I found with Google’s help, such as your inner smurf, inner European, inner dragon, inner flower, inner Republican, inner he-man, inner zombie, inner voyeur, inner kitten, inner Warhol, inner gourmet, inner cheerleader, inner brat, inner supermodel, inner doughnut, inner ghoul, inner Olympian, inner heiress, inner music industry diva, inner Tweety, inner money manager, inner gyroscope, or inner Robert Mapplethorpe. Unfortunately, neither Google nor I know what you should do with your inner Sumatran rat monkey.

I’ve never had a glide in my stride or a dip in my hip, but I have had a gimp in my limp and some glass in my ass.

The most disturbing bit of graffiti I’ve ever seen was at the University of Buffalo, in a library bathroom stall, where I sat, shat, and read the normally non-terrifying word “hi.” One problem—the word was written in shit. In the “most unintentionally amusing graffiti” category, I’d vote for some latrine literature I saw at a summer camp. These words of wisdom may have been composed by a camper, a counselor, or possibly even a wise bear from the woods. Here they are in all their glory, sure to make the authors’ parents and English teachers proud: “Stephen use this toilet to take a dump / it fills good / except the straining.”

I’ve often wistfully wished for a goon, and I think minions would be pretty sweet, but now I know what I really want to ask Santa for: an evil empire. Look at all the things that have been called evil empires: The Soviet Union, the New York Yankees, Starbucks, Walmart, Microsoft… Four out of five are unstoppable mega-juggernauts, and one out of five scared the living shit out of the unstoppable U.S. uber-juggernaut. If I had me one of them evil empires…well, it could syndicate this column for one thing. It could provide goods and services at a reasonable price. It could force the other evil empires to start serving bubble tea and canoli, as they should. Mmmm…evil fucking empire.

Imagine an asshole getting cornholed by a butthole in a shithole. Would the universe get sucked into a black hole?

From experience, I knew that these two alcoholic’s slogans were true: “Liquor before beer, never fear” and “Beer before liquor, never sicker.” The other night I was hoping to prove the wisdom of “Beer before wine, you’ll be fine.” Unfortunately, the only Johnny Cochran-esque booze bumper sticker I could honestly endorse now would be “Beer before wine—are you out of your mind?”

It’s fun, though expensive, to replace money with monkeys, but I can’t resist: A fool and his monkey are soon parted. Rich or poor, it’s good to have monkeys. Show me the monkey. Time is a monkey. Your monkey is no good here. No one’s credit is as good as his monkey. When monkeys speak, the truth keeps silent. Monkeys are the root of all evil. The love of monkeys is the root of all evil. He that marries for monkeys will earn them.

The words of the week:
10) Honeyfuggle
9) Heartbreakee
8) Barfogenesis
7) Gerbilcide
6) Assmosis
5) Love-matic
4) Rotgut
3) Unchimpanzeelike
2) Pharmacogenomics
1) Defrocked

There are a lot of fun terms for sex, such as “sink the sausage,” “make the beast with two backs,” “do the horizontal mambo,” “have a bit of summer cabbage,” and “take old one-eye to the optometrist.” The best one I’ve read lately is “put the devil into hell.” This is an expression that men, women, man-haters, woman-haters, sex-haters, and sex maniacs alike can embrace--it doesn’t favor men (and their little devils) or women (and their living hells). FOX News itself couldn’t come up with a more fair and balanced view of the sex act. God bless America.

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