Wednesday, November 17, 2004

One-eyed motherfuckers, nice wazoos, and spider-demony-thingies

If a buckle bunny with trout pout can frighten a monkey out of a banana tree, then a rodeo groupie with prominent lips resulting from plastic surgery is terrifying. On the other hand, if a house ape and a horsehead can talk a monkey out of a banana tree, then a small child and a heroin addict are very persuasive.

On a recent Simpsons episode, in reference to some family-oriented responsibility, Homer delivered one of my favorite lines ever: “As the Bible says, screw that!” Everyone knows that Bible quotes can be used to support stuff ranging from anything to everything, but I think Homer is showing us how to call upon a higher power with even more power. If you haven’t already, it’s time to start attributing whatever the Sam Fuck you want to the good book, and screw ‘em with an upside-down pillar of salt if they can’t take the joke. I can’t wait to work the following sentences into my next letter to the editor: As the Bible says, “Severe constipation can kill an elephant.” As the Bible says, “Peyote rhymes with ‘Hey Jodi.’” As the Bible says, “That hurts like a one-eyed motherfucker!” As the Bible says, “Chirup chireep chirrup, chirup chireep chirrup.”

You rarely hear an ass described as a “wazoo” unless it’s in the expressions “up the wazoo” and “out the wazoo.” Why not, though? It would add a little zip to anybody’s vocabulary if they said things like, “Nice wazoo,” “You sir, are a wazoohole,” “Do you enjoy wazoolingus?,” and “When you assume, you make a wazoo out of you and me.”

I don’t believe in much, but I believe that paper towel dispensers with “no-touch sensor” labels have a God-like, Death Star-quality energy field that forces weak-willed monkeys like myself to touch them. Talk about the power of language. Maybe I’d get more action if, on my next date, I wore a “no-touch sensor” bumper sticker on my quivering loins.

Four-letter words that end in “p” are kind of fun: beep, bump, burp, chip, chop, clap, clip, coop, crap, deep, drip, drop, dump, flip, flop, gimp, glop, goop, grip, gump, harp, help, hoop, hump, jump, keep, lamp, leap, limp, loop, lump, peep, poop, prop, pulp, pump, reap, romp, rump, seep, ship, shop, simp, slap, slip, slop, soap, step, stop, trap, trip, wasp, weep, whap, whip, whup, yelp. See what I mean?

I know nuns before noon are a bad sign; so is a palooka with a bazooka.

Is there a difference between “spooge” and “splooge”? Is one mintier?

Some snuff films just aren’t up to snuff.

I’ve been jogging—or in my case, stumbling—only a few times in my life, so I have to take my friend Karen’s word that people (especially man-people) tend to say annoying stuff to joggers, like “You can do it,” “You’re doing great,” “Keep going,” and “Go for the gold!” Next time someone says that last one to her, I hope Karen will take my advice and calmly reply, “Go fuck yourself for the gold!”

A “pandescenderer” is someone who panders and condescends at the same time. A “panda-hugger” is a supporter of China. A “panda” is very cute. Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything about pandas today.

The words of the week:
10) Kanga-bloody-roo
9) Shit-cauldron
8) Tenderloin
7) Blimey
6) Quasi-spousal
5) Simon-and-Garfunkel-bashing
4) Spider-demony-thingy
3) Prithee
2) Twaddle
1) Ootchimagootchi

In Ohio, a new game with an old name is becoming popular: cornhole. This Midwestern pastime—which involves throwing a beanbag of corn in a hole—is not to be confused with the traditional version of cornhole, which involves pumping a purple-veined passion python into a poop-chute. This accurately-yet-hilariously-named game has inspired organizations (the American Cornhole Association), events (the Holiday Cornhole Classic), and websites ( Like batshit-loony parents who name their children “Chlamydia” or “Latrina” because the names sound pretty, the good people of Ohio seem to be lacking a good slang dictionary. Maybe it’s no coincidence that the election was decided in The Cornhole State.

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