fuckheaditude

noun. A state of being characterized by fuckheadedness.

Real citation: "Bob displayed his usual fuckheaditude when he forgot to pick up milk on the way home as his wife had asked."
(Paula Light, email message, Nov. 13, 2004)

Made-up citation: "Not every fuckhead has fuckheaditude, just as not every meathead has meat."

non-men-type-people

noun. Women.

Real citation: "The WaPo takes a look deep inside its own navel today, and apparently the non-white- and non-men-type-people over there are getting restless in the light of a promotion of some white dude to the vacant managing editor slot."
("WaPo: White People In Favor of Fewer Stories," Nov. 19, 2004, Wonkette,
http://www.wonkette.com/politics/media/index.php#wapo-white-people-in-favor-of-fewer-stories-026029)

Made-up citation: "According to George Carlin, all penis-possessors are stupid and all non-men-type-people are insane."

chest-thrusty

adj. Having a fully-extended, prominently-puffed-out mammary region.

Related terms: chesty, thrustage, chest-thrustage, boob-thrustage, hip-thrustage, pelvic-thrustage.

Real citation: "I am about ten years too old not to bristle when somebody calls me dude. I get all chest-thrusty to hint that "Hey, man, I'm a girl." In that context, man is gender neutral too."
(Maggie Balistrieri, "Sub: Dude," Nov. 8, 2004, Cafe Mo, http://cafemo.blogspot.com/2004/11/sub-dude.html)

Made-up citation: "If that asswipe gets all chest-thrusty about philosophy and fuck-all one more time, I am gonna kick him in the ding-ding."

senior exorcist

noun. An experienced exorcist who has administrative duties in addition to the daily routine of driving demons from their host bodies.

Real citation: "Fr Gabriel Amorth is the well respected senior exorcist of Rome."
("Catholic/ChurchAndSatanism," http://cygnus.homelinux.net:4242/Catholic/
ChurchAndSatanism)

Made-up citation: "If I don't make senior exorcist this year, I'm going to grad school."

pseudo-speedo

noun. A banana hammock that is bursting at the seams with swollen manhood, not integrity.

Real citation: "Even if you were never a regular of WWF's hour of sweaty, pseudo-Speedo bedecked male wrestlers, you probably knew the name: Hulk Hogan. Hogan, famous for wresting a scanty yellow tank top from his well built upper torso, later surprised many fans of the wrestling world by admitting he had taken steroids. Unfortunately, Hogan's use of these drugs is but one part of a growing trend found largely among men today to use testosterone or testosterone-related supplements for the purpose of improving athletic ability or physical appearance."
(Nina Cann-Woode, "INNOVATION: We'll make a man out of you - AndroGel cream revives steroid health concerns," The Stanford Daily, http://daily.stanford.edu/daily/servlet/tempo?page=content&id=1374&repository=0001_article)

Made-up citation: "Around these parts, Casual Friday is only a prelude to Pseudo-speedo Saturday."

bodily-fluids-imbibing

present participle. Slurping up of that yummy-yet-diverse wet stuff that comes out of people and other critters.

Real citation: "Those with input as the series closes down are most definitely boys. He's dispatched his werewolf girlfriend Nina (Jenny Mollen) on a jet plane and has turned to his own inner circle. Lorne, Gunn, Wes, and Spike ("I'm not wearing any amulets!") all join in with Angel's plan (and he does have one, despite his seeming corruption by absolute power these past few weeks), during a ritual agreement bit that closes the penultimate episode "Power Play" to fight the power, namely, the Circle of the Black Thorn, those grisly, extreme demons who do the Senior Partners' work on earth -- including those present as Angel's "initiation," the bodily-fluids-imbibing Vail (Dennis Christopher), pasty Archduke Sebassis (Leland Crooke), and slippery Senator Bruckner (Stacey Travis). "
(Cynthia Fuchs, "Forever," Reel Images Magazine, http://www.reelimagesmagazine.com/txt_reviews/reelreview_tv.htm)

Made-up citation: "Bodily-fluids-imbibing is a gross hobby, sure, but it can't be much worse than pea-soup-making."

patron anorexic cokehead twin

noun. A wispy, two-of-a-kind coke monkey that answers prayers for other wispy, two-of-a-kind coke monkeys.

Related terms: patron saint, patron disaster-twin, patron douchegirl, patron skank, primordial skank.

Real citation: "Saturday is officially the Best Day Ever In The History Of New York. Why? Obviously because that's when our patron anorexic cokehead twin, Mary-Kate Olsen, returns to our open arms and gets back to doing whatever it is she does here. Skipping classes and not eating, we think. Whatever, we're just SO HAPPY TO HAVE HER BACK."
("Mary-Kate Still Loves Us," Oct. 27, 2004, http://www.gawker.com/topic/marykate-still-loves-us-024325.php)

Made-up citation: "If you pray to America's patron anorexic cokehead twin, you'll get a bag of the good stuff and no sandwiches under your pillow."

laptoplessness

noun. A sad condition, with no laptops to be found.

Real citation: "I've just picked up one of these little Averatechs after many years of laptoplessness and several months of shopping around. My primary considerations: cheap, reasonably durable, and light/small. I mainly needed something for maximally-portable wireless ..."
(lossf, "A good inexpensive solution," Sept. 18, 2004, Epinions.com, http://www.epinions.com/pr-Averatec_3225HS_AMD_ATHLON_XPM-2000_40GB_512MB_DVD_CDRW_WL-G_12-XGA_XPH_av3225hs20_PC_Notebook/display_
~reviews/pp_~1/sort_~prdrt/sort_dir_~des/sec_~opinion_list)

Made-up citation: "Due to my laptoplessness, I am enjoying very little toplessness in the airport."

horrendo-mom

noun. A bad, bad mommy.

Real citation: "I can't tell where they're going with the Ava/Adrian thing. I'm not sure I want to know. Although I do agree that Ava's in a position to recognize another bad mother in Julia's horrendo-Mom. snarkella, I expect they learn the secret handshake at those Destructive Aggressive Mommies of the Nation Unite! meetings. "
(Sandman, Sept. 17, 2004, Television Without Pity, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=2864952&st=3960)

Made-up citation: "The screaming children on the airplane made me want to stick in fork in my eye, but I'd scream too if I had a horrendo-mom like that."

prolifera

noun. A proliferation; a plethora; a whole bunch of something.

Real citation: “Tulsa is a unique international community, with ethnic and national groups of Africans, Hispanics, Jews, Muslims, Native Americans and many others It's a great place for students who want to experience an array of sporting, entertainment, and cultural activities Photos on this page courtesy of Don Sibley The rolling hills of northeastern Oklahoma are considered a sportsman's paradise, where a prolifera of wild life abound From the Spring National NHRA Drag Racing finals at the Tulsa International Raceway, Western Athletic Conference basketball, football , and other sports, the Tulsa Zoo, Tulsa Ballet Theatre, Tulsa Philharmonic, Tulsa Opera, local museums, annual jazz festivals, Bell's Amusement Park and Tulsa area parks and recreation areas, there is always plenty for students to see and do.”
(“Spartan,” Jayde, http://dir.jayde.com/profile10023503-spartan.html)

Made-up citation: "Contrary to popular belief, prolifera is not a drug, and it will not help motivate your lethargic sperm."

lickable fragrance product

noun. A tasty, smelly, romantic, tongue-worthy, uh...product.

Real citation: “Though she doesn't really need to, Jessica Simpson is counting calories for her two latest projects. The singer introduced her new line of lickable fragrance products this week, and she's also become a workout fiend to prepare for her upcoming feature-film debut. At New York's Sephora on Tuesday, Simpson said that she co-created Taste, the latest offshoot of her Dessert body-care line, to smell and taste like her favourite smells of childhood - especially the cake batter in the kitchen that signalled something tasty and decadent was on the way. ”
(“Simpsons Launches Lickable Fragrances,” MYVe.com, Oct, 7, 2004, http://www.mtve.com/article.php?ArticleId=5019)

Made-up citation: “Schmoopy-poopy-woopy…your lickable fragrance product is so minty!”

spokes-fembot

noun. A female robot who speaks for other female robots.

Real citation: "Rice assured eager viewers every Parcells comeback game would be nationally televised. "Now that NFL Sunday Ticket is available on your PDA and can be beamed to the backs of the lens of your sunglasses," Rice said, "no one will miss a single second of Parcells grimacing on the sidelines or standing at midfield hugging someone he once stabbed in the back." A spokes-fembot for ABCCBSCNNCOMCASTNBCMSNBCFOX, which carries NFL games, predicted record ratings. "
(Gregg Easterbrook, “Tuesday Morning Quarterback,” Football Outsiders, November 18, 2003, http://www.footballoutsiders.com/ramblings.php?p=82&cat=7)

Made-up citation: "If you let your spokes-fembot be my girlfriend-bot, I'll let my howler monkey be your sex monkey."

Leprechaun liberals, Scrooge McDuck, and sexual-fuckin-intercourse

“Liberal” is almost as dirty a word as “poo-gobbler” these days. Upon receiving the liberal label, most politicians’ skin sizzles and smokes like they were hit with holy water. Two of the more popular terms are “limousine liberal” and “latte liberal,” which remind me very much of other alliterative gems like “lipstick lesbian” and “lipstick librarian.” Though limousine-less, I’m a pretty liberal guy myself, and I think my fellow commie pinkos and surrender monkeys deserve a few new names—here’s a start: liverwurst liberals, Led Zeppelin liberals, la-la land liberals, lustbunny liberals, lounge lizard liberals, liquid lunch liberals, liver-lifter liberals, leprechaun liberals, lobster-liberator liberals, love handle liberals, leprosy liberals, lunar probe liberals, luchadore liberals, latchkey liberals, low-bandwidth liberals, and llama-licking liberals.

On most subjects, I don’t know diddly-squat. On many subjects, I don’t know diddly-shit. On some subjects, I don’t even know diddly-fuck. However, on a subject or two, I do know diddly-poo.

My favorite primate is the bonobo, a species that consists of—how do I put this delicately?—sex maniacs. Bonobos will have sex not only at the drop of a hat, but at the sale of a hat, the sight of a hat, the tipping of a hat, and even the adjusting of a hat. They do it heterosexually, homosexually, incestuously, and quite religiously, using many positions that some thought were unique to us human sex monkeys. Anyway, in the book Tree of Origin, Francis de Waal notes how these simian sexcapades make it hard for the boy bonobos to know whose spawn is whose. Then de Waal wrote this sentence, which I kind of enjoyed: “Male bonobos are obviously not keeping records; they are merely attracted to large, pink genital swellings.” Aren’t we all… On a non-bonobo note, my second favorite sentence this week is a brave admission by Ralph Wiggum: “I want to be a triangle.” Don’t we all…

Because somebody has to, I’ve noticed a great type of word: words with tudes, and I mean that literally. In my in-progress Dictionary of Words That Don’t Belong in Dictionaries, I’ve already included great words like “agro-goofitude” and “jackassitude,” and there are plenty I’ve found that might make the cut later, such as “funkitude,” “punkitude,” “hunkitude,” “girlitude,” “womanitude,” “barfitude,” “lunchitude,” “pornitude,” “hornitude,” “hottitude,” “lustitude,” “skankitude,” “stankitude,” “crotchitude,” “crapitude,” “creepitude,” “boobitude,” “orgasmitude,” “assholitude,” “buttholitude,” “what-the-fuckitude,” and—finally, the lovely and talented—“cluster-fuckitude.”

If a nutjob gave a blow job to a whackjob, and then the whackjob gave a knob job to the nutjob, would the economy improve?

Though I like lame ducks, lucky ducks, rubber ducks, dead ducks, black-bellied whistling ducks, ugly ducklings, and Scrooge McDuck just fine, my favorite duck will always be Peking duck.

Here’s a question for the guys out there: Do you bash the bishop or bash the banana? Usually, my blue-veined custard-chucker feels like a long yellow fruit, but occasionally it does seem like more of a high-ranking official of the Catholic church.

In Bill Casselman’s Canadian Sayings, there are plenty of colorful expressions, but few so intriguing as “He’s so sneaky, I wouldn’t trust him in a shithouse with a knife and fork.” I think we all know a few people—or relatives—who fit this disgusting bill, and thanks to Casselman, we have a new (or possibly old) way to introduce them to prospective employers. This expression is ripe for alteration, as there are a lot of other objects that we probably wouldn’t trust such a person with in the little boys’ or girls’ room, such as: an egg-beater, a vegomatic, tongs, tweezers, pliers, a strainer, chopsticks, salt and pepper shakers, an eye-dropper, a plate, a hammer, and a spoon.

The words of the week:
10) Chowderheaded
9) Pish-posh
8) Winkie-wiggling
7) Lickspittle
6) Schnockered
5) Brouhaha
4) Hog-bosom
3) Pre-misinterpreted
2) Sexual-fuckin-intercourse
1) Nunliness

One of my favorite clichés is “spinning in your grave.” Maybe I have no respect for the dead, or maybe I just like things that spin (basketballs, tops, news stories, the little girl’s head in The Exorcist, etc.) a little too much, but I rather like the idea of the dearly departed having a post-mortem twirl. Sports announcers aren’t usually known for their creativity, but NBA studio commentator Charles Barkley has broken that stereotype by giving this already amusing expression a new, uh, spin: Sometime last year, after a spectacularly embarrassing Boston loss, Barkley insisted that Celtics (living) legends Larry Bird and Kevin McHale were spinning in their graves. On other nights, I’ve heard Barkley describe other pre-dead basketballers like Patrick Ewing and Julius Erving as doing similar post-life exercise routines. In the name of creativity and comedy, I think we should take a cue from Barkley and spread this broader and loonier usage like a VD. And if you don’t help me do so, I’ll be spinning in my grave all afternoon.

santorum-smudged

adj. Stained, soiled, smeared, or otherwise fouled by the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

Real citation: "Thank you for the perspective-inducing mental image, JM. You're right: American gays aren't swinging from the ends of ropes attached to cranes for wanting to have marital sex. As silver linings go, it's pretty thin, but I'm happy to have it.
I'm sorry to say, though, that you're going to read about politics in this week's column--but only because I'm running your letter, JM. And I'm only running it so that I can swear, on my santorum-smudged Bible, that I'm getting back to sex."
(Dan Savage, "Back to Sex," The Stranger, Nov. 18, 2004, http://www.thestranger.com/2004-11-18/savage.html)

Made-up citation: "Better a santorum-smudged sock than a syrup-smeared sweatshirt, as Mom used to say."

at the whim of a hat

idiom. At the drop of a hat.

Real citation: “Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
(George W. Bush, “Bushism of the Day,” Slate, Sept. 17, 2004, http://slate.msn.com/id/2106877/)

Made-up citation: "Fellow evil-doers, be ready to smite the money-humping freedom monkeys. Be ready at the whim of a hat!"

wackassitude

noun. A situation characterized (or infested) by a wanker/asswipe. Also: wackass, whackass, whackassness, assitude, jackassitude, assholitude, buttholitude

Real citation: "I was wondering if you knew a word for this type of person.... I recently walked in on a guy wacking off in a public bathroom...would you say he had, extreme wackassitude? "
(Karen Yacobucci, email message, Nov. 16, 2004)

Made-up citation: "How many of Shakespeare's sonnets rhyme 'jackassitude' and 'wackassitude?'"

he-slut

noun. A male ho-bag. Also: man-slut, boy-slut.

Real citation: "Carter plays a man cuckolded by the adorable he-slut Alfie, who steals Susan Sarandon out from under him. As close readers of this site's 'content' know, Carter's dealings with Hollywood have received much scrutiny this year. (You nailed a magazine editor for earning $100,000 from a movie studio, but you couldn't do anything about Dick Cheney's deferred Halliburton payments? Great job, journalists!) "
("What's It All About, Graydon? " Nov. 5, 2004, Gawker, http://www.gawker.com/topic/whats-it-all-about-graydon-025068.php)

Made-up citation: "There's a fine line between a mimbo and a he-slut. Well, not really."

dorkfuck

noun. A fucking dork; a freaking dork; a frigging dork; a goddamn dork.

Real citation: "On another note, I swear the law library is run by nazis. There has been some dorkfuck patrolling the area near where I am studying, thus preventing me from busting out my diet cola action. Its proabably all warm and nasty by now. Hope he is gone after I finish this message. "
(Thug, May 21, 2001, http://ninjabunny.org/cgi-bin/boardpower/misc.cgi?action=replyquote&forum=1&discussion=155&p=12)

Made-up citation: "Hey dorkfuck! Will you write me a letter of recommendation?"

the Rat gods

noun. Divine rodent-like beings of awesome power. Possibly not to be trusted.

Real citation: "Some people say that George Bush should be run down and sacrificed to the Rat gods. But not me. No. I say it would be a lot easier to just vote the bastard out of office on November 2nd."
(Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing, Campaign 2004," Rolling Stone, Issue 961, Nov. 11, 2004)

Made-up citation: "I am praying to the Rat gods that they smite down my sister's husband with extreme prejudice. And I don't mind if they leave marks."

absodiddly

adverb. 1. Absolutely. 2. Absolutely diddly-squat.

Related terms: absoschmuckinglutely, absogoddamnlutely, absofrikkinlutely, mur-diddly-urdler, dil-diddly-emma, diddlywhacker, son of a diddly, diddly-poo, cock-a-diddly-ding-dong-doo-doo.

Real citation: "From chrissy: Do you have any spoilers on Charmed's eppys to come?
Absodiddly. Coolio guest stars mid March as a demon who crashes Phoebe's wedding. (He loves those WB witches: He also guest starred on Sabrina.) And the wedding is a big ol' mess: The Source snatches Cole's body in an attempt to transform the ceremony into a demonic wedding, allowing their foretold son to become heir to the underworld. Coolio is a demon servant of the Source, whose job is to detain the girls...with pain."
("Watch with Wanda," Feb. 25. 2002, E! Online, http://www.eonline.com/Gossip/Wanda/Trans/Archive2002/
020225b.html)

Made-up citation: "Billy's done absodiddly nothing today, again--I think his ambition drowned in the bong water."

One-eyed motherfuckers, nice wazoos, and spider-demony-thingies

If a buckle bunny with trout pout can frighten a monkey out of a banana tree, then a rodeo groupie with prominent lips resulting from plastic surgery is terrifying. On the other hand, if a house ape and a horsehead can talk a monkey out of a banana tree, then a small child and a heroin addict are very persuasive.

On a recent Simpsons episode, in reference to some family-oriented responsibility, Homer delivered one of my favorite lines ever: “As the Bible says, screw that!” Everyone knows that Bible quotes can be used to support stuff ranging from anything to everything, but I think Homer is showing us how to call upon a higher power with even more power. If you haven’t already, it’s time to start attributing whatever the Sam Fuck you want to the good book, and screw ‘em with an upside-down pillar of salt if they can’t take the joke. I can’t wait to work the following sentences into my next letter to the editor: As the Bible says, “Severe constipation can kill an elephant.” As the Bible says, “Peyote rhymes with ‘Hey Jodi.’” As the Bible says, “That hurts like a one-eyed motherfucker!” As the Bible says, “Chirup chireep chirrup, chirup chireep chirrup.”

You rarely hear an ass described as a “wazoo” unless it’s in the expressions “up the wazoo” and “out the wazoo.” Why not, though? It would add a little zip to anybody’s vocabulary if they said things like, “Nice wazoo,” “You sir, are a wazoohole,” “Do you enjoy wazoolingus?,” and “When you assume, you make a wazoo out of you and me.”

I don’t believe in much, but I believe that paper towel dispensers with “no-touch sensor” labels have a God-like, Death Star-quality energy field that forces weak-willed monkeys like myself to touch them. Talk about the power of language. Maybe I’d get more action if, on my next date, I wore a “no-touch sensor” bumper sticker on my quivering loins.

Four-letter words that end in “p” are kind of fun: beep, bump, burp, chip, chop, clap, clip, coop, crap, deep, drip, drop, dump, flip, flop, gimp, glop, goop, grip, gump, harp, help, hoop, hump, jump, keep, lamp, leap, limp, loop, lump, peep, poop, prop, pulp, pump, reap, romp, rump, seep, ship, shop, simp, slap, slip, slop, soap, step, stop, trap, trip, wasp, weep, whap, whip, whup, yelp. See what I mean?

I know nuns before noon are a bad sign; so is a palooka with a bazooka.

Is there a difference between “spooge” and “splooge”? Is one mintier?

Some snuff films just aren’t up to snuff.

I’ve been jogging—or in my case, stumbling—only a few times in my life, so I have to take my friend Karen’s word that people (especially man-people) tend to say annoying stuff to joggers, like “You can do it,” “You’re doing great,” “Keep going,” and “Go for the gold!” Next time someone says that last one to her, I hope Karen will take my advice and calmly reply, “Go fuck yourself for the gold!”

A “pandescenderer” is someone who panders and condescends at the same time. A “panda-hugger” is a supporter of China. A “panda” is very cute. Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything about pandas today.

The words of the week:
10) Kanga-bloody-roo
9) Shit-cauldron
8) Tenderloin
7) Blimey
6) Quasi-spousal
5) Simon-and-Garfunkel-bashing
4) Spider-demony-thingy
3) Prithee
2) Twaddle
1) Ootchimagootchi

In Ohio, a new game with an old name is becoming popular: cornhole. This Midwestern pastime—which involves throwing a beanbag of corn in a hole—is not to be confused with the traditional version of cornhole, which involves pumping a purple-veined passion python into a poop-chute. This accurately-yet-hilariously-named game has inspired organizations (the American Cornhole Association), events (the Holiday Cornhole Classic), and websites (http://www.playcornhole.com/). Like batshit-loony parents who name their children “Chlamydia” or “Latrina” because the names sound pretty, the good people of Ohio seem to be lacking a good slang dictionary. Maybe it’s no coincidence that the election was decided in The Cornhole State.

zookeeper-mauling

present participle. Tearing, mutilating, and chewing up a kindly caretaker of animals.

Real citation: "Watch the Zookeeper-Mauling Polar Bear Get Euthanized."
("America's Best Zoo Exhibits, The Onion, Vol. 39, Issue 34, Sept. 4-10, 2003)

Made-up citation: "I'm trying very hard to cut down on my bad habits, like fingernail-chewing, cigar-smoking, pet-eating, and zookeeper-mauling."

non-hooker-hirer

noun. A person who does not pay for the goodies and services of prostitutes, preferring to acquire nookie through the barter system or household appliances.

Real citation: "So anyway, as you can see, I'm taken. (At least for now.) Not wanting to leave you hanging, I set out to find answers to your questions. Even a non-hooker-hirer like myself knows that in-call means their place, out-call means yours. C'mon. "
(Judy McGuire, "Hired Help," August 18-24, 2004, Seattle Weekly)

Made-up citation: "I may be a non-hooker-hirer, but I am not a non-dumbass-disemboweler, so keep your distance."

blessedly-boobed

adj. Having heaving, heavenly bagoingers.

Real citation: “Tween star Hilary Duff takes her drama with Lindsay Lohan to musical proportions with a new song directed at the blessedly-boobed actress. Next up, a dance-off. ”
(“Gossip Roundup: Olsen Educational Update,” Oct. 6, 2004, Gawker.com, http://www.gawker.com/topic/gossip-roundup-olsen-educational-update-022776.php)

Made-up citation: “Is Brigitte Bardot, Barbara Bush, Betty Boop, or Brianna Banana more blessedly-boobed?”

schmoopsie-poo

noun. Diminutive, cute loved one; sweetie; poopsie-woopsie; honey-bunny.

Related terms: schmoopie-poo, poopie-poo, honey-poo, sweety-poo, cutey-poo, wifey-poo, snacky-poo, poo-poo, Yorkie-poo.

Real citation: "Honey, not going on study abroad isn't the end of the world. I should know; I didn't. I wanted to too, believe me. I wanted to go to Scotland and see all of Britain, but I wound up not being able to because of graduation requirements/credits. But I still had an amazing junior year. I was worried about being alone, with all my friends all over the world, but instead I just went out and made new friends (including you!!). Save your money and take a trip later. That's what I'm doing; saving up for a trip to Ireland for my senior spring break. And Jay and I still love you, schmoopsie-poo!"
(kzoopunk, Livejournal, March 5, 2004, http://www.livejournal.com/users/darkpaw/287751.html)

Made-up citation: "I'll be your snuggle-bunny, and I'll be your cuddle-monkey, and I'll be your sex poodle, but I draw the line at being your schmoopsie-poo."

banana-mimicking

present participle. Imitating or indicating the long, firm, ripe, yellow fruit.

Real citation: "Yes, she joked about her husband's endowments, but when answering as to whether her husband is gay, Guilfoyle Newsom said only, 'Not unless you are better than me.'
At which point, she says, she raised her elbow at a 45-degree angle and pointed at herself with a closed fist and thumbs up.
'It was not a banana-mimicking gesture,'' she said. "I know what I said and did. ... I have nothing to hide.'"
(Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom, quoted by Phillip Matier and Andrew Ross, "Newsom's wife says sex joke has been exaggerated," Oct. 24, 2004, http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/10/24/BAGPV9EJML35.DTL)

Made-up citation: "I'm not too good at banana-mimicking, but my mango-miming skills are truly sublime."

minionator

noun. Minion.

Real citation: "Once again, nice work, minionators!"
(Harmony, "The Real Me," Oct. 3, 2000, Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Made-up citation: "Though my lackeys are lackluster, I have a fine staff of motivated minionators."

Evil empires, summer cabbage, and pharmacogenomics

Does your inner child have an inner ear infection? Maybe you need to unleash, discover, release, embrace, or spank one of the many hidden entities I found with Google’s help, such as your inner smurf, inner European, inner dragon, inner flower, inner Republican, inner he-man, inner zombie, inner voyeur, inner kitten, inner Warhol, inner gourmet, inner cheerleader, inner brat, inner supermodel, inner doughnut, inner ghoul, inner Olympian, inner heiress, inner music industry diva, inner Tweety, inner money manager, inner gyroscope, or inner Robert Mapplethorpe. Unfortunately, neither Google nor I know what you should do with your inner Sumatran rat monkey.

I’ve never had a glide in my stride or a dip in my hip, but I have had a gimp in my limp and some glass in my ass.

The most disturbing bit of graffiti I’ve ever seen was at the University of Buffalo, in a library bathroom stall, where I sat, shat, and read the normally non-terrifying word “hi.” One problem—the word was written in shit. In the “most unintentionally amusing graffiti” category, I’d vote for some latrine literature I saw at a summer camp. These words of wisdom may have been composed by a camper, a counselor, or possibly even a wise bear from the woods. Here they are in all their glory, sure to make the authors’ parents and English teachers proud: “Stephen use this toilet to take a dump / it fills good / except the straining.”

I’ve often wistfully wished for a goon, and I think minions would be pretty sweet, but now I know what I really want to ask Santa for: an evil empire. Look at all the things that have been called evil empires: The Soviet Union, the New York Yankees, Starbucks, Walmart, Microsoft… Four out of five are unstoppable mega-juggernauts, and one out of five scared the living shit out of the unstoppable U.S. uber-juggernaut. If I had me one of them evil empires…well, it could syndicate this column for one thing. It could provide goods and services at a reasonable price. It could force the other evil empires to start serving bubble tea and canoli, as they should. Mmmm…evil fucking empire.

Imagine an asshole getting cornholed by a butthole in a shithole. Would the universe get sucked into a black hole?

From experience, I knew that these two alcoholic’s slogans were true: “Liquor before beer, never fear” and “Beer before liquor, never sicker.” The other night I was hoping to prove the wisdom of “Beer before wine, you’ll be fine.” Unfortunately, the only Johnny Cochran-esque booze bumper sticker I could honestly endorse now would be “Beer before wine—are you out of your mind?”

It’s fun, though expensive, to replace money with monkeys, but I can’t resist: A fool and his monkey are soon parted. Rich or poor, it’s good to have monkeys. Show me the monkey. Time is a monkey. Your monkey is no good here. No one’s credit is as good as his monkey. When monkeys speak, the truth keeps silent. Monkeys are the root of all evil. The love of monkeys is the root of all evil. He that marries for monkeys will earn them.

The words of the week:
10) Honeyfuggle
9) Heartbreakee
8) Barfogenesis
7) Gerbilcide
6) Assmosis
5) Love-matic
4) Rotgut
3) Unchimpanzeelike
2) Pharmacogenomics
1) Defrocked

There are a lot of fun terms for sex, such as “sink the sausage,” “make the beast with two backs,” “do the horizontal mambo,” “have a bit of summer cabbage,” and “take old one-eye to the optometrist.” The best one I’ve read lately is “put the devil into hell.” This is an expression that men, women, man-haters, woman-haters, sex-haters, and sex maniacs alike can embrace--it doesn’t favor men (and their little devils) or women (and their living hells). FOX News itself couldn’t come up with a more fair and balanced view of the sex act. God bless America.

jackassitude

noun. 1. A jackass' attitude. 2. A state of extreme jackassishness.

Real citation: "As far as Boeing, it does dishearten me to hear a crowd boo their own home team after a bad loss, or a string of successive losses (then again, most people present at the games show some kind of jackassitude or another so I shouldn't be surprised)."
(Ufez Jones, SportsFilter, June 20, 2003, http://www.sportsfilter.com/comments.cfm/1762)

Made-up citation: "I was trying to enjoy the pulchritude, but the jackassitude was too much of a bummer."

fucking like banshees

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skankspionage

noun. Sneaky espionage activity carried out by skanks, or possibly hos.

Real citation: “Lauren was originally good, and got turned eeeevil by the Covenant after Sydney returned. Now, I am hardly a rabid SV shipper, but even I will concede that Vaughn was just stupid-in-love with Syd at the time she disappeared. So there must have been foul play involved in the accelerated V/L courtship (nine. fucking. months. That. Bitch. How about....Lauren slips Vaughn a roofie and then does some Allisonesque postcoital hypnotism?) I'm just saying, if both parties are playing fair, there's no way Vaughn would be all Kissy-Face with the COW nine months after Syd's "death". Plus, scenes from After Six imply that Lauren has a fair amount of experience in the world of skankspionage - more than she would have gotten in the past year or so. I think we can eliminate this possibility.”
(cjgurl427, “Mission Briefings: The Speculation Thread (No Spoilers),” Television Without Pity, Feb. 19, 2004, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=842757&st=1170)

Made-up citation: "Maybe the election would have turned out differently if skankspionage were a more prominent issue.

Columns

Leprechaun liberals, Scrooge McDuck, and sexual-fuckin-intercourse

One-eyed motherfuckers, nice wazoos, and spider-demony-thingies

Evil empires, summer cabbage, and pharmacogenomics

Mythical birds, fuckedupedness, and kitchy-kitchy-koo

Thongs, muffins, and absquatulations

Smiley feces, peek-a-boob, and grim death

Horse-pucky, mama-yamas, and God's sack

Squirrels, holiness, and backsplash

Torture, rage, and waffles

Saddam, Jesus, and Mom

hamster-kissing

present participle. Having a tendency to lock lips with the furriest, cuddliest, sweetest rodent of them all.

Real citation: “The final night of the convention was Kerry’s opportunity to inspire a country in need of something to be enthusiastic about. Instead, we got an infomercial. The product? The result of too many campaign strategists and focus groups: an ass-kicking, life-saving, hamster-kissing war hero.”
(Henry P. Belanger, “Curse of the Campaign Strategists,” In the Fray, August 18, 2004. http://inthefray.com/html/article.php?sid=634&mode=thread&order=0)

Made-up citation: “In the Beijing Olympics, new sports will include ultimate frisbee, competitive eating, and synchronized hamster-kissing.”

post-Janet-Jackson’s-breast

adj. Part of the new historical period that began when one-half of Jacko’s Racko was revealed at the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

Related terms: peek-a-boob, wardrobe malfunction, stripping.

Real citation: “I would have to think it's just the times that we live in -- the post-Janet-Jackson's-breast age. The bigger picture is that the FCC's raising the fines from $27,500 to $500,000 [for obscenity]. That is great. Even though the FCC hasn't warned KCRW, which is a local public-radio station.”
(Sandra Tsing Loh interviewed by John Gorenfeld, “A stand against pompous gasbags,” Salon, March 16, 2004, http://www.salon.com/ent/feature/2004/03/16/loh/)

Made-up citation: “In the post-Janet-Jackson's-breast era, I just don’t feel the same confidence in the stock market.”

pseudo-bumpkin

noun. A would-be bumpkin; a wanna-be yokel; a poseur hillbilly; a quasi-redneck; a not-quite hayseed; a phony rube.

Real citation: “Bush's language has become a less important issue for his American critics, too. Not that they don't still regard him an ignorant bumpkin (or worse, a pseudo-bumpkin) who embarrasses the country, but now they're concerned that he's making America look bad in much more dangerous ways. That anger has nothing to do with the fact that Bush doesn't talk like Tony Blair -- or for that matter, that Tony Blair does.”
(Geoffrey Nunberg, “Special Effects,” http://www-csli.stanford.edu/~nunberg/bush.html)

Made-up citation: "If a metrosexual and a pseudo-bumpkin fought a duel to the death, what deity would you pray to for a double homicide?"

Mythical birds, fuckedupedness, and kitchy-kitchy-koo

Since I write about language, people ask me questions all the time about capitalization, spelling, grammar, and other serious matters of national security. But nobody asks me the questions that really warm my cocoa, like: Would it be more proper to say a potential sex poodle is “lustable,” “lustable-after,” or “lust-afterable”? In a letter of resignation, should a supervisor’s approach be described as “assbackwards,” “bassackwards,” or “backasswards”? Which of these spellings would look more impressive on a wedding invitation: “fuckedupness” or “fuckedupedness”? (A Google search shows more hits for the former, but I kinda like the sound of the latter). And which version of “absolutely” sounds the most suave and professorial? The choices are: “absofuckinglutely,” “absobloodylutely,” “absoblessedlutely,” “absobleedinglutely,” “absofreakinglutely,” “absofrigginlutely,” “absofrikkinlutely,” “absoflippinlutely,” “absofunkinlutely,” “ “absogoddamnlutely,” “absotootly,” and “absoschmuckinglutely.”

My favorite current nickname for a co-worker is “the poodle from hell.” My favorite old nickname for a classmate is “Steak-umm.”

A “Dirty Banana” is a yummy Caribbean drink, and a “banana wiggler” is a worm used as fishing bait. A “banana hammock” is a speedo or other scanty, skimpy, sketchy covering for a “tummy banana,” which is a tallywhacker. “Bashing the banana” and “buffing the banana” mean the same thing as “slammin’ the salmon” and “warming up the altar boy’s lunch.” Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything about bananas today.

The best typo I’ve seen lately was “phoenix skills” for “phonics skills.” Unintentionally, the writer has his priorities in order. Phonics is the science of spoken sounds, but how much science do you need to yap? I don’t know a clone from a chromosome, and I can babble, bellow, and bitch just fine. On the other hand, listen to the Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of “phoenix”: “A mythical bird, of gorgeous plumage, fabled to be the only one of its kind, and to live five or six hundred years in the Arabian desert, after which it burnt itself to ashes on a funeral pile of aromatic twigs ignited by the sun and fanned by its own wings, but only to emerge from its ashes with renewed youth, to live through another cycle of years.” Not bad. I also remember that the Phoenix character from the X-Men could read minds and eat planets and stuff. Though I still wouldn’t have the qualifications for my dream job (teaching sign language to apes), I’d take phoenix skills over phonics skills any day, because a guy gets hungry. And planets are pretty.

According to Fifty Years Among the New Words, the term “anti-anti-communist” was coined in the 1950’s, meaning “one who opposes those who attack communism or communists.” Two negatives may not make a positive, but they do make a very cool word. I searched Google for “anti-anti-“ and found examples of “anti-anti-American,” “anti-anti-Pokemon,” “anti-anti-Saddamism,” “anti-anti-missile defense,” “anti-anti-Semitism,” “anti-anti-Britney,” “anti-anti-Christ,” “anti-anti-spyware,” and “anti-anti-evolutionism.” There were even a few examples with more “anti-”s, like “anti-anti-anti-math,” “anti-anti-anti-bioterrorism,” and “anti-anti-anti-anti-climaxes.” Since I’m hyphen-happy, I love all these words very much, but on a personal note, I must admit I am anti-anti-Lena Olin and anti-anti-anti-pea soup.

The words of the week:
10) Humanette
9) Disembowelingest
8) Salami-greased
7) Hootenanny
6) Horrendo-Mom
5) Churchill-humping
4) Yesireebob
3) Multi-hairball
2) Kitchy-kitchy-koo
1) Ectoplasmgasm

In the name of love, who isn’t a poo-eater sometimes? (In the metaphorical sense, at least). While any of us might run for cover because our schmoopsie-poo loves drugs, violence, or Everybody Loves Raymond, just as often we’ll open up wide, in a metaphorical-turd-gobbling frenzy. In the pages of Maledicta, I’ve found a few terrific versions of this idea, including these lovey-dovey declarations: “I would eat a yard of her shit just to get up to bite her ass,” “I would eat the peanuts out of her shit,” and “There’s many a man would eat a yard of her shit for a lick at her hole.” In Canadian Sayings, I found a similar one that shows both sweetness and curiosity: “I’d eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from.” Bon appetite.

exorcism tongs

noun. A little-known-yet-quite-effective device used in removing demons from their host bodies--can be handy alongside traditional anti-anti-Christ paraphernalia such as a vial of holy water, a cross, a Bible, and a big fucking hammer.

Real citation: "Run and get Daddy's exorcism tongs!"
(Ned Flanders, "Last Exit to Springfield," March 11, 1993, The Simpsons)

Made-up citation: "I've had three smoothie-makers fall apart like the pieces of shit they were, but my exorcism tongs have lasted me through four children, twenty-three neighbors, and a couple pets."

ABC Index

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