Five thoughts about booze

What’s a good beer that goes with good wine?

I like to play this drinking game where every time I drink, I take another drink.

Based on the amount I’m drinking, it’s a good thing I’m not pregnant or sober.

Maybe more kids would stay in school if we called it “Free Beer”.

Remember, you’re not really drinking alone if you wake up in the polar bear cage.

Five thoughts about children

Maybe if we gave children pitchforks instead of laptops, the world wouldn’t be such a mess. Back to basics, people!

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is they’re both in the pocket of the oil industry.

Always be kind to children, because today’s snot-nosed kids will be tomorrow’s snot-nosed warlords.

The most important thing parents can teach their children is how to make hobos dance.

Children are like snowflakes. In hell, they’re gonna melt pretty quickly.

Five thoughts about Cylons

I can resist anything except bribes, coercion, disco, polite requests, and naked Cylon agents.

“010011110101000000101” may sound sexy to you, but it’s a trite pickup line to most Cylons.

I think my neighbor is a Cylon. She’s so beautiful, and she keeps nuking planets.

Faking an orgasm is easy. Faking a Cylon invasion is hard.

What men really think during sex: “My masters on the Cylon homeworld will be pleased.”

Step Aside, Birthers: It’s Not About Where Obama Was Born, But How

Now that President Obama has released his long-form birth certificate, perhaps the insane birther conspiracy will fade.

It is long past time for the country to return to more serious matters. The issue is not and should never have been where the President was born—but how.

While the birthers and birther-flattering rabble-rousers like Donald Trump have stolen headlines and clouded the minds of Americans, several communities of independent thinkers have been speaking their own truths. Listen to the intriguing ideas of these independent journalists and concerned Americans before making up your own mind.

hatchers
From the birds high above our heads to the natives of Ork even higher above our heads, we know that many creatures are born via the egg. (Lady Gaga, anyone?) The hatchers suggest that Obama was born in exactly such a fashion, and a worldwide search has been ongoing since 2008 for pieces of the original Obama egg. A leader in the hatcher community said, off the record, he hoped to “clear up rumors that Osama bin Laden lovingly sat on that egg while planning 9/11 and knitting a blankie for his precious boy and future world ruler.”

starfishers
Some starfish breed in a frightening fashion: if an arm becomes detached, not only does the original starfish regrow the arm, but the detached limb grows into a starfish of its own. The vibrant, quirky starfisher community believes Obama is the result of a similar process that took place underneath the sea and the nose of the American public. Scoff if you must, but isn’t it fishy that the American government currently funds no research into discovering the eleven-headed, sucker-footed, latte-sipping Obamafish?

planters
There is credible evidence to suggest President Obama grew from the ground up, like so many oaks, chrysanthemums, and—shudder—community organizations. Respected newspaper The Onion was way ahead of this story last September when they revealed (http://www.theonion.com/articles/poll-1-in-5-americans-believe-obama-is-a-cactus,18127/) “1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama Is A Cactus.” However, some planters insist the President is a fern.

tribblers
Sci-fi fans remember the classic Star Trek episode “The Trouble with Tribbles,” featuring the adorable tribbles, those cute, mindless fuzzballs whose only desire was to raise the taxes of every member of the Enterprise’s middle class (also, to kill their grandparents). The tribbles multiply asexually and rapidly, living only to breed, purr, and make America weaker. Sound like any 44th President you know?

soupers
If you can make soup in a cup, why not a liberal?

botters
We’re assuming a lot when we assume President Obama is organic at all. His eerie calm, steadfast logic, and willingness to kill everyone in the world who doesn’t bow down to Allah make the botter claims particularly difficult to refute. Those stories that Obama is able to morph his body, Transformer-like, into a puppy-killing drone ship just won’t go away. Who was behind the creation of the Obama-bot? JFK? Jimmy Carter? Bill Clinton? The pre-Obama, Hitler himself? It’s hard to say, but until President Obama provides absolute proof that he’s not a merciless, super-sophisticated killbot with secret Muslim laser nipple-blasters, real Americans must not rest.

Ten thoughts about your mom

Progress has been made, but there are still too many white males in government and your mom.

Your mom is so crazy she goes cuckoo for Frosted Mini-Wheats.

Only say “I love you” or “I did your mom” when you mean it.

Most conflicts boil down to Betty vs. Veronica, ninjas vs. nuns, or your mom vs. everything good and holy and right.

If it seems disturbing that 10% of teens are OK with texting during sex, keep in mind those teens are all doing your mom.

Bathrooms are for customers! One of many things they have in common with your mom.

Not only does your mother wear army boots, but your army wears mom jeans.

I hate to sound like your dad, but your mom is pretty good in bed.

Remember, when you point the finger at someone, three other fingers are pleasuring your mom.

A world without mother jokes would be like a brothel without your mom.

politi-blasphemous-socnetpeerpressured

adj. I'm not plugged in enough to define this word.

Real citation: "Ok, I'm just going to say it, given how politi-blasphemous-socnetpeerpressured it is: I am *totally* sick of Wikileaks. Anyone else??"
(Feb. 4, 2011, Vanity Fair Wayfarer, Twitter, http://twitter.com/vanityfairer/status/33593913440739329)

Made-up citation: "Do you like your websites politi-blasphemous-socnetpeerpressured or non-politi-blasphemous-socnetpeerpressured?"

klunkity-funkity

adj. Too much klunk in the trunk.

Real citation: "My tweetmachine is herky-jerky and klunkity-funkity. Please grease it, @TwitterLuber."
(Jan. 14, 2010, Trixie Longboots, Twitter, http://twitter.com/trixieboots/status/26118825590136832)

Made-up citation: "Klunkity-funkity is not a great name for a funk band or daughter."

Shatnerguistic

adj. Describing a collision... between the study... of words... and you know who.

Real citation: "More Shatnerguistic goodness! RT @bgzimmer: Reminds me of this: http://bit.ly/eCsdIl"
(Jan. 12, 2011, Erin McKean, Twitter, http://twitter.com/emckean/status/25384795986993152)

Made-up citation: "I won't go back to school till I can pursue a Ph.D. in Shatnerguistics."

gross-dog-poop-all-over-my-block syndrome

noun phrase. A condition that seems nasty till you catch gross-dog-poop-all-over-my-face syndrome.

Real citation: "If people can get wind turbine syndrome from living near wind turbines, does that mean I have gross-dog-poop-all-over-my-block syndrome?"
(Nov. 15, 2010, Hallie Haglund, Twitter, http://twitter.com/HallieHaglund/status/4239890397011969)

Made-up citation: "I believe I can cure gross-dog-poop-all-over-my-block syndrome with new legislation: If you get caught not picking up your dog's deuce, that deuce will be inserted into your hiney. You're welcome, America."

psychopathic-homicidal-voice-ectomy

noun. Can someone please give this procedure to Christian Bale before the next Batman?

Real citation: "@saiwilcken Sounds li ke you need a psychopathic-homicidal-voice-ectomy instead."
(Nov. 7, 2010, Dasher Hillier, Twitter, http://twitter.com/DasherH/status/1346741433536512)

Made-up citation: "Every year, dozens of doctors perform psychopathic-homicidal-voice-ectomies on patients who were supposed to receive flu shots."

no-internet-pocalypse

noun. Also known as "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Real citation: "I'm downloading all my steam games in preparation for the upcoming no-internet-pocalypse :x"
(Oct. 24, 2010, John Blanton, Twitter, http://twitter.com/john_blanton/status/28638871079)

Made-up citation: "Few can survive a no-internet-pocalypse. I read somewhere that the heart can't pump blood without at least 5 Googles a day."

war crimesy

adj. Yes, Virginia, you can commit atrocities and be folksy too.

Real citation: "Oh, big deal, Rumsfeld lied and was an eensy bit war crimesy. At least he didn't make Americans feel bad by apologizin'!"
(Oct. 26, 2010, Tweetin4Palin, Twitter, http://twitter.com/Tweetin4Palin/status/28799035384)

Made-up citation: "When your kindergartner wins 'Most War crimesy,' it might be time to consider selling him to hobos."

other-letter-bomb

noun. No f-bombs here. Move along, please.

Real citation: "Anyway, assuming you did intend to post it here: a. Deb and Lundy are (were) both detectives working on homicides. Their world is not one of social niceties and refinement. Regardless of the fact that Lundy didn't swear much himself, I'd be very surprised if he cared about such matters. He saw far, far much worse in life than someone dropping the f-bomb, or any of Deb's equally colourful other-letter-bombs."
(Nov. 2, 2009, "If I Had a Hammer" 2009.11.01," Television Without Pity, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=3190525&view=findpost&p=12315230)

Made-up citation: "I am the master of other-letter-bombs. I just threw the q-bomb yesterday, and it was a rhetorical triumph."

dumb-squizzled

adj. Gobsmacked; flummoxed; dingsquizzled; confuzzled; mindfucked.

Real citation: "I've seen two episodes past this one, so I now know what's up with the mysterious figure clambering into Hank's attic while he plays the guitar in the final scene. But at the time I watched that scene, I was completely dumb-squizzled."
(Sept. 22, 2010, Alan Sepinwall, HitFix, http://www.hitfix.com/blogs/whats-alan-watching/posts/terriers-change-partners-consenting-adultery)

Made-up citation: "I have never felt more dumb-squizzled than I do right now. I need to see a squizzling specialist."

Breaking Bad-y

adj. A great quality in a TV show; a shit-ass quality in a life.

Real citation: "And here’s where 'Fustercluck' turns Breaking Bad-y. Hank and Britt come roaring onto the airfield, dangling the key that they swiped from Lindus’ safe, and demanding that the would-be-bail-jumper come with them to open the safety deposit box that matches said key. There they find a document related to The Montague—a document that puts Lindus’ life in danger. Lindus promptly distracts the P.I.s for a second and takes off running. Very comical. Then he gets hit by a car. Very shocking. Then he stumbles into Hank’s house, saying, 'I’m going to take a nittle lap.' Pretty funny. And then he just dies. He up and dies."
(Sept. 29, 2010, Noel Murray, The A.V. Club, http://www.avclub.com/articles/fustercluck,45682/)

Made-up citation: "I agree that Terriers is a bit Breaking Bad-y, and I think Breaking Bad is a little Shield-y. Also, I am a tad get-a-life-y."

gee-la-freaking-wheez

interjection. "Gee whiz" got knocked up a notch.

Real citation: "I just invented the term gee-la-freaking-wheez. You may use it if you pay the proper royalities on it."
(Sept. 21, 2010, Erin Ann McBride, Twitter, http://twitter.com/erinannie/status/25091726900)

Made-up citation: "'Gee-la-freaking-wheez!' is an appropriate reaction when a Yeti or your mom uses your couch as a powder room."

over-over-over-overhyped

adj. Warning: May involve hype.

Real citation: "Blowing through the other 20 teams: I have the over-over-over-overhyped Ravens (just as shaky a defense as New England, not as good an offense), Cowboys (we'll tackle them later) and Texans (the NFL's Tom Cavanagh in that everyone likes them, but they can't seem to find a hit show) as overvalued; the Panthers, Lions and Raiders as undervalued; the Rams, Bills, Broncos, Seahawks, Bucs and Bears as the league's doormats; and the Jags, Titans, Chiefs and Browns treading water. So I'm wagering accordingly."
(Sept. 9, 2010, Bill Simmons, ESPN.com, http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmonsnfl2010/preview100909)

Made-up citation: "I feel wearing pants is over-over-over-hyped. My people need to breathe the sweet air of freedom, and by 'my people' I mean my balls."

dentolinguistic

adj. Where language and teeth meet.

Real citation: "A dentolinguistic abomination. RT @guan The NYU dental plan for students is called Stu-Dent."
(Sept. 8, 2010, UffishL, Twitter, http://twitter.com/UffishL/status/23967555571)

Made-up citation: "A dentolinguistic expert is the mortal enemy of an anti-dentite, according to toothologists."

pube-pocalypse

noun. A nether-region-geddon that got hairy.

Real citation: "Sasha Grey… appeared naked on last night’s 'Entourage' and caused quite the commotion among the show’s dude-bro contingent. Not because she was naked on-camera… but because she went naked with a full-on bush. Judging from the resulting hysteria on Twitter, it was the Pube-pocalypse."
(Aug. 12, 2010, Newsgab, http://www.newsgab.com/celebrity-news-gossip/95045-sasha-grey-appeared-naked-last-night-s-entourage.html)

Made-up citation: "After rewatching Borat, I am certain that the long-prophesied pube-pocalypse will take place in Kazakhstan."

too-much-eyeliner-itis

noun. A condition common among women and raccoons.

Real citation: "Elizabeth suffers from a serious case of too-much-eyeliner-itis #bachelorpad"
(Aug. 9, 2010, Dina Fierro, Twitter, http://twitter.com/eye4style/status/20752601319)

Made-up citation: "I'm not really an expert on women's grooming. Can you cure too-much-eyeliner-itis with vajazzling?"