Friday, July 08, 2011

Bitching About Starbucks Spelling = Ultimate Douchery

You wouldn’t think that entitled, douchey, white people could get any more entitled, douchey, or white, but you would think wrong. The unfortunately popular blog Starbucks Spelling is a hideous new low in the craptastic, ever-flowing, sewer of white shittiness.

Making fun of how other people talk and spell is usually arrogant and assholish, but it’s seldom as awful as these “hilarious” pictures of coffee cups where, for example, “Julie” is spelled “Joolee”. Ha ha, what a good one that is! These stupid baristas can’t spell! I am a genius for going to Starbucks and having a name.

This goes beyond first world problems or white person problems to new depths: Starbucks misspelling your name is an Ultimate Douche problem. Congratulations to my fellow caucasian assholes for helping us maintain our firm, pasty claim on being the worst people in the world.

Here’s my message to anyone who has ever posted a picture of their misspelled coffee cup on Facebook or anywhere else:

You should be grateful this poor barista didn’t stab you. The only purpose of writing your name down is to get the goddamn whatever-ccino into your shitty little hands. It isn’t a spelling test. It isn’t a monument to you and your wonderful name that—heaven forbid!—a mere commoner might besmirch. Get over yourself, then please go fuck yourself, then pretty please stick an entire Starbucks up your ass. Thank you.

There is a bright side to this stupid phenomenon. Some plucky grad student could write a fine dissertation on how the spelling ability and will to live of baristas have deteriorated due to relentless daily exposure to toxic levels of douchiness. You’re welcome, academia.


Anonymous said...

As a former barista, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Most of the time, names get spelled wrong because either the person spells their name really, really ridiculous (such as the name "Regan" spelled "Rheagaen." How the hell am I supposed to know that?) or the customer says their name with an accent.

I'm so glad I got out of the customer service biz.

Mike said...

Another reason to prefer Dunkin Donuts: less douchey clientele.

sbfren said...

As a student of linguistics, and douchery, I also thank you.