Wednesday, August 22, 2007


adj. A belief system that values the lives of morons as much as the ponds of scum.

Real citation: “im pro choice i am also pro moronicide
(July 24, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Senator Shitcake announced to the cheering throngs that he was un-Clintonian, non-Bushistical, and pro-moronicide, which he promptly proved by self-decapitation."

1 comment:

Elvis Dingeldein said...

This is a deeply troubling issue in American politics, of course. Republicans have long feared that a liberal majority on the Supreme Court might overturn the landmark decision in Carhart v Gonzales, which set the precedent in this issue when it ruled in favor of Mrs. Jacquelyn Spoonanus Rockefeller Carhart’s Constitutional right to corporally punish her servants for being “willfully stupid or irretrievably moronic.” On October 8, 1957, just hours before she was to entertain the Kennebunkport Flandangles at her home on Martha’s Vineyard, Mrs. Carhart famously beat her housemaid Juanita Gonzales to death with a can of Bronzo Brand Polishing Crème after Ms. Gonzales had failed to thoroughly clean each tine of a shrimp fork.

Writing for the majority, Associate Justice Felix “Eat It With Mustard” Frankfurter suggested the standard by which stupidity-based corporal punishment -- or moronicide, as it would come to be known -- should be judged by the Federal Government, saying, “We can’t allow this sort of unabashed stupidity to thrive in the service industry. Let the sterling example set by the brave Mrs. Carhart be a shining beacon to us all: We shant tolerate morons when we’re expecting six or more to dinner!”

Liberal “activist” judges are not likely to overturn Carhart v Gonzales as long as justices like John Roberts, Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito are on the bench; indeed, Scalia is rumored to have cracked a large garden gnome over the head of his Dominican gardener, and Roberts once stabbed his personal driver through the neck with a Mont Blanc fountain pen.