Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Wanted: minions

Maybe it’s the influence of our money-grubbing, commercial-licking culture, but today I’m longing for several things: Mr. Rogers-style sweaters, a turkey-bacon sandwich on sourdough bread, the new William Shatner CD—and minions. So “minions” is the word of the day.

A few weeks ago, “goon” was my word of the day, and I wistfully mentioned how nice it would be to have a goon of my own. I don’t know if “minion” is a better word than “goon,” but I think minions themselves are a better breed of stooge/underling/henchperson.

First off, “minions” seems to be inherently plural—it’s possible, but not common, to hear about a single minion. More minions means more merriment, more mayhem, and more motherfuckers. So minions seem like the way to go.

Though I have an interest in many types of minions—steel-plated, raspberry-flavored, nuclear-armed, etc.—evil minions would be particularly helpful. With 11,100 Google hits, “evil minions” seem to be in abundance. With luck, I can get some at Target.

If I can find me some minions (applications are being accepted year round) I can think of several miniony tasks for them:
  • Maintaining my stock of spicy Thai peanut sauce
  • Surrounding, capturing, and teasing my enemies
  • Developing, launching, and nurturing nanotechnology initiatives
  • Washing (that's optional) and bringing Catherine Zeta-Jones to my tent or place of employment
  • Dusting

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