Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Real citation: "tired-geddon
I've been battling with sheer exhaustion for the last while. I've always been an erratic sleeper. It's been at least 30 years since I last slept a whole night without waking. Part of this is having my bladder's flexbility damaged by endless cercaria. (No I don't have Bilharzia - any more). So a visit to bathroom every 3 hours or so is a norm. Secondly, I sleep really deeply for my first hour- hour and a half. Thereafter a mouse-fart on the far side of the house will wake me. And I do not wake groggy and sleepy. I go from fast asleep to wide awake in one step. It must have been very useful to the Khoi-san hunter gatherers on my mum's side."
(Feb. 24, 2008, http://davefreer.livejournal.com/55341.html)
Made-up citation: "My weariness with Sarah Palin is reaching tired-geddon proportions. Yet I can't stop thinking about her, talking about her, naming woodland critters after her, and smuggling innocent moose-ican Americans away from this killy siren from the ice planet Hoth."
Real citation: "Oh Jesus, check this out. Here’s a McCain campaign senior strategist, Nancy Poopenheifer or some such, talking with enigmatic Fox & Friends clown Steve Doocy about how the vice presidential debate is somehow ALREADY RIGGED for Joe Biden. Apparently it could focus on foreign policy, and that would just be unfair to Sarah Palin — how the hell is she supposed to know bullhickey about the various foreign policies? This debate is a SHAM, and since black Gwen Ifill is moderating it, well, you know she’s in the tank. Just look at all of that melanin!"
(Jim Newell, Sept. 29, 2008, Wonkette, http://wonkette.com/403118/palins-people-to-lower-expectations-as-much-as-humanly-possible)
Made-up citation: "Will Nancy Poopenheifer please report to the bathroom? We have a Code Orange in stall three. The groundhog has landed."
Monday, September 29, 2008
Related terms: crotchfruitish, great-grand-crotchfruit.
Real citation: "Speaking of Mimi Rogers--I will never forget her famous comment about 'ol Tommy Boy "shooting blanks" and that is why they never had children. It's been a long time, but I sear she made reference to his inability to have his own bio crotchfruit...'Cuz if ya think 'bout it, why would he be married to NK for 10 years and adopt 2 children instead of having his own???"
(C.W. Nevius, April 24, 2006, SFGate,com, http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=18&entry_id=4575)
Made-up citation: "Yes, Gweneth, you are my bio-crotchfruit. But what does that really mean? I'll tell you what it means: When you're finished with school and humanity, you shall be a bio-hellion in my army of death, doom, destruction, and doodoo. And you'll make me proud."
Real citation: "Blessed pontificatedness (or something like that)!!! Once agin, it was time."
(June 20, 2008, http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=230656641&blogID=407450851)
Made-up citation: "I grow weary of pontificatedness, even when I agree with the point of the pont. However, I could listen to sermons day and night on the seventeen virtues of Swedish pancakes, the most holy of all breakfasticular phenomena."
Real citation: "All of that, and what I really wanted to tell you was what Tonks told me today:
(Aug. 18, 2008, Confluence City, http://confluencecity.blogspot.com/2008/08/tonks-wants-to-know-what-would-jimmy.html)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Real citation: "2:53 p.m. A man who had been drinking fell asleep in the 100 block of South G Street with his pantaloons at insufficient altitude to forestall indecency. Police consulted with the bare-butted booze-woozed bibulant, who wasn’t drunk enough to arrest and wandered off on his own aromatic steam."
(Kevin L. Hoover, May 6, 2008, The Arcata Eye, http://www.arcataeye.com/index.php?module=Pagesetter&func=printpub&tid=2&pid=925)
Made-up citation: "I am a lightweight drinker: happy after one beer, tipsy after two, booze-woozed after three, and naked in an alley performing questionable acts with rabid wombats for spare change after four."
Real citation: "Princess Snotbucket
Our Little Princess has been beset by yet another cold. We were meant to go on a long walk today but we decided that the weather and the baby’s mood were both too foul, so Leila and I stayed home. Finn and Mark went but found it too wet when they got there so they’re off to a mega shopping centre in search of an advance screening of a movie about a fighting panda. For those of us back at the ranch there has been much yelling and crying, doses of both paracetamol and stuff to dry up noses, snot by the bucketful and Baby Einstein and Play School dvds on high rotation (Play School is the more popular of the two)."
(June 22, 2008, Leila Rose Petal, http://leilarose.net/2008/06/22/princess-snotbucket/)
Made-up citation: "What do you mean the sacred vial of NyQuil has failed Princess Snotbucket? Better get the exorcism tongs..."
Real citation: "Sorry for the derail, but j.p. Hung is a bot, right? One set at "SPEW: Fucking Wankery // 1," right? I ask solely for copyright reasons, as I'm working on my own NeanderBot (TM) and, you know, would hate to have to deal with lawyers and whatnot."
(Oct. 6, 2005, MetaFilter, http://www.metafilter.com/45692/Post-to-a-forum-get-booted-from-school)
Made-up citation: "A local university announced the discovery of neanderbot fossils in the tri-state region, along with evidence of a rare neander-death-star capable of wiping out an entire loin-cloth store, loins and all."
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Real citation: "Listen you ingratess, you better shut up and fall in line."
(July 15, 1996, http://groups.google.com/group/soc.culture.singapore/msg/580b8cbab4d77ed4?hl=en)
Made-up citation: "Don't be such an ingratess, said God to Eve. Not known for his liberated views on gender, God then asked Eve to make him pancakes--sweet merciful Swedish pancakes of Biblical proportions."
Real citation: "But that ain't nothing; hubris gets its big, hob-nailed boots on and gives you a kickin' when it sees you referring to yourself in the third person when you announce a job change in your personal blog. And date and location-ise the intro sentence so it reads like a press release? Puh-sleaze, not even Madonna does that anymore."
(Feb. 6, 2008, We're surrounded by idiots, http://idiots.blogspot.com/2008/02/wow-you-dave-morin.html)
Made-up citation: "Are we tired of Sarah Palin yet? Puh-sleaze! We haven't even gotten to the McPalin love child yet..."
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Real citation: "The problem once again seems to be twofold: first, that the Republican party has what are, to me at least, politically powerful factions consisting of "batshit-insane near-psychopaths". Note that once again I'm not talk about rank-and-file GOP members, who run the gamut (as do the Democrats, fwiw), I'm specifically talking about either high-ranking members of the party or their equivalents in power amongst the Republican interest groups. Second, the non-batshit-insane, non-near-psychopaths in the GOP are, for a variety of reasons, subordinating their reason to those factions' madness; and in some cases, arguably being drawn into that madness themselves."
(Sept. 4, 2008, Obsidian Wings, http://obsidianwings.blogs.com/obsidian_wings/2008/09/tell-us-what-yo.html)
Made-up citation: "I pride myself as a great humanitarian, a hero of the people, a pillar of the community, and a non-near-psychopath. I am also a friend of the meerkats; I can find the bumper nuts in every meadow muffin, with a little help from Count Chocula--sweet chocolate prince of the cereal bowl."
Related term: depoopified.
Real citation: "oooh excitement here at Chez Trash. When i got home from work there was a letter on the mat from that nice Mr. Raynsford, responding to my email about turd encrusted pavements in Charlton. He's taken the trouble to get in touch with the council leaders office and assures me that The Village, Charlton is swept daily and depooified where necessary. Since he took the trouble to reply, i think i'll vote for him. Oh, forgot! I can't, I'm a postal voter and I've cast my 43 votes for someone else already. Still at least he wrote..."
(April 5, 2005, HaloScan.com, http://www.haloscan.com/comments/inspectorsands/111520610855816052/)
Made-up citation: "Well, my dog rolled in shit again. It wasn't a turdtastrophe of Biblical proportions like last time, but I'm still barfed out to the max. To recap for the home viewers, the most disgusting things my dog has ever done are: 4) Rolling on a skeletony rat corpse, 3) Picking a used condom off the pavement, 2) Rolling in a little pile of poo, and 1) Rolling in a historical pile of poo. I think I've depooified him, but now that my bathtub needs to be scrubbed and nuked, where's a decontamination chamber for me?"
Real citation: "For beginners, my friend Remo had ordered a basket of fries and was drowning them with vinegar. As we were talking, he blindly reached for the vinegar bottle. (Apparently his fries weren’t Massengill-y enough for his liking.) As he doused his fries, he felt the liquid rushing out of the bottle much too"
(Nov. 3, 2007, Scout.com. http://cle.scout.com/2/697744.html)
Made-up citation: "Don't go all Massengill-y on me, Bob. Are you going to exorcise this wombat or not?"
Monday, September 22, 2008
Real citation: "Frappawhatsit and the health factor
While my favorite Starbucks drink, the Caramel Macchiato, is a real drink--macchiato an Italian word meaning "marked" or "stained"--it turns out that others like Frappuccino were simply made-up, and only represent the Starbucks beverage. Allow me to explain."
(Sept. 17, 2008, My Caramel Macchiato Fix, http://caramelmacchiatofix.blogspot.com/2008/09/frappawhatsit-and-health-factor.html)
Made-up citation: "You fed your cockawhatever a frappawhatsit? Maybe that's why she made a poopamajig on your hickeymadoodle."
Real citation: "ahhhh splooshy splooshy sploosh."
(March 17, 2008, Skiing's Online Community, http://www.newschoolers.com/web/content/videos/id/179056/member_id/11992/)
Made-up citation: "Life has been good lately, with extra puppies and chocolate sauce. To ensure continued good times, I'm not only knocking on wood and crossing my fingers and feeding the leprechauns: I'm throwing a virgin into the volcano twice a day. Splooshy-splooshy-sploosh. Yay!"
Real citation: "Pfft! What park? It's going over the remaining area that used to be the Chinese Wall. Logan Circle itself is not going to get these towers, unless you are talking about that bar ditch over on the river front. Great... a scenic fiew of cesspool-flavored water and a massive train yard on the other side."
(Dec. 15, 2006, PhillyBlog, http://www.phillyblog.com/philly/architecture-urban-planning/24533-philadelphia-river-city-project-16.html)
Made-up citation: "Our cesspool-flavored waffles go well with the sewer-rat-scented sausages. And you MUST try the Dog Poo Benedict..."
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Real citation:"Would You Want To Be Known As The 'Uh-Oh Face' Guy?
This is always something I've wondered about -- there are these 'faces' on Wall Street that serve as a collective representation of the mood. It's practically the definition of a 'picture is worth a thousand words' moment. So the newspapers and all the media jump on said image to use for the frontpage headlines about jitters, meltdowns, collapses, and crises. After all, it humanizes the news to reflect its effect on people rather than just some numbers and acronyms with big plus and minus signs."
(Sept. 19, 2008, Wallstreet Fighter, http://www.wallstreetfighter.com/2008/09/being-known-as-the-uh-oh-face-guy.html)
Made-up citation: "Only a trained facial technician can tell the difference between uh-oh-face guy and I-just-dropped-a-deuce-in-my drawers-face guy. Apply to the Technical Institute of Facial Technology today."
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Real citation: "My English Muffin-fu is strong"
(Nov. 21, 2005, Adam's Moblog, http://moblog.net/view/112413/my-english-muffin-fu-is-strong)
Made-up citation: "My mother was a warrior. She taught me the atomic wedgie, the figure-four leglock, the pimp slapshot, the defenestration two-step, and the Kentucky kidney kabob. She made me learn some things myself: In foggy London, I discovered my English muffin-fu--plus, I can do things with a scone that will grow hair on the bottom of your feet."
Friday, September 19, 2008
Real citation: "Dragun:oh yeah, im getting undrunk now so i only have enough to transport one more dead person......heres one *kagomes voice* OSWARI!!!!!!>.< class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Gothfire:what the hell was that?
Yaoiprincess:its the word that controls us all!!! AAAAAAAH!!!
Gothicmangafreak:THAT SUCKS BIG HAIRY GREEN MONKEY BALLS!!!!"
(May 8, 2006, Quizilla, http://www.quizilla.com/stories/2518540/anime-randomness-36inuyashacont)
Made-up: "Life has been truly awesome this week. At the present time, I know nothing of things that suck big green hairy monkey balls. But the scales have a way of balancing... Next week, a flower pot will probably fall on my head from a high window."
Real citation: "Are you sure he didn't say 'moosementum'? That, I'll give her. I mean she can field dress one. Is that different from house dressing one? I'm a city girl."
(Sept. 2, 2008, Daily Kos, http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/9/2/215658/4011/738/584031)
Made-up citation: "It surprises political scientists that moosementum has become a key factor in the 2008 election--though 'reindeer-gate' has long been predicted as an inevitable battle site in the annual War on Christmas."
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Real citation: "It's a real drag to take him pee in the middle of the night, but I don't want him to learn to sleep through his peefulness. That just seems like a recipe for bed-wetting later on. So far he's pretty good about waking up when he needs to pee, especially after midnight. For the first few hours after he goes to sleep he's generally too conked out to wake up, and that's when most of the peeing happens. After that he pretty much stays dry."
(Aug. 28, 2005, msLaura, http://www.viviente.com/2005/08/peeing-and-lucid-dreaming.html)
Made-up citation: "After dogs play, they are prone to peefulness. After I drink a smoothie that's bigger than the Yeti, so am I."
Real citation: "Bondo, I have had quite enough with all the lipstickicity of political discourse lately."
(Sept. 15, 2008, Feministing, http://www.feministing.com/archives/011036.html)
Made-up citation: "Lipstick lesbians, lipstick librarians, lipstick Lutherans, lipstick longshoremen, and lipstick lion-tamers will be holding their national conference on Lipstickicity and Hegemony in Post-colonial Paradigms at the Hyatt in Fresno this year. If you spot any lipstick lounge lizards, bring them too."
(Thanks to Gemma for spotting this lipsticky lexical item).
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Real citation: "i finished adamas. it’s not blocked yet, but it felt good to get it off the needles. i used my handspun fingering weight so i only needed to work 11 repeats instead of 14 before it got on my nerves. i think it’s a good-sized shawl and it’s definitely gonna be bandit-licious. (i think that’s gonna be the first, last and only time i use that word.) i love the way it striped. i tried to get the colors to match up when i plied it, but i need a true lazy kate and not the one that’s onboard my spinning wheel. it’ll give me more even tension between the bobbins and it’ll come out a bit more matched, however, singles do what they want. i think the only way for you to get long color runs is to navajo-ply. i have to practice that more. it’s essentially chained singles, but mine always look too bumpy from the chains."
(July 15, 2008, Jenjerpeach Knits, http://jenjerpeach2.wordpress.com/2008/07/15/im-finishing-something-around-here/)
Made-up citation: "Named only for his mustache and bandit-licious ways, the comedy stylings of the Groucho Bandit have yet to be fully evaluated."
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Real citation: "Twenty F-wordtastic and bloody pages into RIGHTEOUS KILL, I couldn't stand it any longer. I looked it up on IMDB, expecting to see a listing which would indicate this film was going to be a low budget, not-coming-to-a-theater-near-you crapfest, starring nobodies and directed by some first time rap-video-artiste. Boy, was I wrong."
(Michael Dayspring, July 21, 2007, IESB.net, http://www.iesb.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2883&Itemid=99)
Made-up citation: "I've been rewatching the first season of The Wire--which is pretty damn F-wordtastic--and it's taking a toll on my already sailoresque vocabulary. If Bunk and McNulty can solve a murder using nothing but variations of fuck, then I can bake a pie the same way. USA! USA!"
Real citation: "Now, SP is starting to take root. The TLM is springing up in parish after parish, all over the world. Young seminarians and priests are very likely to be TLM-competent. The older, hostile bishops are being replaced with their more hardcore auxiliaries. Personal parishes. FSSP enrollment. De-wreckification. New hand missals. Benedictine altar arrangement. Papal Mass communion on the tongue. Chant. Things are inexorably getting better. Each day is brighter than the one before. We’re winning, and it’s a rout. As Jack Kemp used to say, it’s 1776 all over the world, baby."
(July 2, 2008, What Does the Prayer Really Say?, http://wdtprs.com/blog/2008/07/sspx-statement-on-the-ultimatum/)
Made-up citation: "I have spent many years in the de-wreckification industry, offering synergistic solutions to logistical logjams. I'm also good with a spork, baby."
Monday, September 15, 2008
Real citation: "The Vatican until recently was ambivalent and far too conciliatory towards Islam. Pope Benedict spoke the truth about the madness of Islam and its founder Mohammed recently, but groveled out apologies within a week, after Muslims threatened to literally kill him. Islam is not a religion. Neither is scientology, eco-fetishology, wiccan worship or druidism. The Church does not engage in inter-faith healing projects with tree worshippers yet it gets on bended knee to placate a 7th century pagan Arabian cult. It is doubtful that this will change in the near future. Regarding Islam then, the left wing socialists have a luke-warm ally in the Vatican."
(Craig Read, Oct. 30, 2006, http://www.craigread.com/displayPrinterFriendly.aspx?contentID=443)
Made-up citation: "I have devoted my life to eco-fetishology, ever since Count Chocula-ism let me down when I needed a savior/breakfast. Damn you, you chocolate vampire! Damn you straight to a milky hell!"
Real citation: "Also funny? How the world tends to look from a over-the-counter drug-induced haze. Wallace And Gromit in the Curse Of the Were-Rabbit was delightful fun but viewing the pic through Nyquil-goggles put more bunny rabbits hippity-hopping through the lobby after the movie let out and I wandered a bit trying to find the ladies' room. Not to mention right after when we walked over to my record store at got to see how utterly surreal a Saturday afternoon looked from the POV of a paying customer."
(Oct. 22, 2005, Monster on a Rope, http://atariflashback.blogspot.com/2005_10_01_archive.html)
Made-up citation: "I remember the day we met... She had NyQuil goggles... I had horse tranquilizer goggles... That's why they call it romance, people."
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Real citation: "I think this kind of lesson is important for people (you know, those people, as well as the general public) to be aware of. Having done some teaching I know how frustrating it is to think 'But I said that already, like a hundred times !', but maybe it needs even more emphasis in these difficult times : Science is open to change; all that is needed is courage, insight, and something non-crapful to bring to the table."
(June 23, 2005, The Panda's Thumb, http://www.pandasthumb.org/archives/2005/06/afore-the-harve.html)
Made-up citation: "Even though pessimism and gloom are stuffed in my DNA like a bag of coke up a drug mule, I have to say this month is turning out pretty non-crapful. There is no crapitudinousness. And life is not even remotely craptasticish."
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Real citation: "Soon after, they hired their dog whisperer. They told him he'd have to be a prison inmate whisperer too."
(Jeff Klinkenberg, Aug. 31, 2008, St. Petersburg Times, http://tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article789875.ece)
Made-up citation: "I was too outspoken and bold to be a prison inmate whisperer. So I help inmates another way: I'm a prison inmate yodeler--the best in the greater metropolitan region."
Friday, September 12, 2008
Related term: dingleberry-gate.
Real citation: "It seems that Specter has not given up the idea of a congressional inquiry into the New England Patriots’ alleged cheating, known as Spygate, or as I call it, why-the-heck-are-we-still-talking-about-this-gate."
(Sept. 11, 2008, Brain P. Nanos, Wicked Local, http://www.wickedlocal.com/scituate/news/lifestyle/columnists/x348019831/NANOSPHERE-Like-it-or-not-what-s-done-is-done)
Made-up citation: "Up next: Tom Brokaw weighs in on why-the-heck-are-we-still-talking-about-this-gate. But now, the secret history between Sarah Palin and caribou that Dick Cheney doesn't want you to think about!"
Real citation: "I once told my wife that women lack testicular fortitude. Yeah, but we have boobicular fortitude, she said."
(April 30, 2008, Free Republic, http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2009317/posts)
Made-up citation: "'I think we know which VP candidate has boobicular fortitude,' said Barack Obama Thursday, before Joe Biden pulled out his heaving man-rack, changing the political landscape and Obama's mental health forever."
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Related terms: nano-eternity.
Real citation: "So the big takeaway from your column is ... don't use the little white earbuds that come with iPods.
Seriously, that seems to be all that's required to appease your nano-wrath."
(Jan. 15, 2008, Chicago Flame, http://media.www.chicagoflame.com/media/storage/paper519/news/2008/01/14/Opinions/Social.Capital.As.Tiny.White.Earbuds-3151511.shtml)
Made-up citation: "Now the city will feel my nano-wrath... Damn it, where's my nano-sword of ultimate vengeance? In the dishwasher again?"
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Related terms: dumb-downed-ness, let-downed-ness, locked-downed-ness, non-look-downed-ness, put-downed-ness, stripped-downed-ness, take-downed-ness, upside-downed-ness, watered-downed-ness.
Real citation: "If you have never read Michael Marshall’s novel, The Straw Men, your life is surely poorer for it. One of the best horror thrillers ever written, it is comprised of two seemingly separate stories: one (told in third person) about a serial killer of children, The Upright Man, and the two people pursuing him; the other (told in first person) a man’s quest to discover a secret life that his recently deceased parents kept hidden from him. The plots are complex and are expertly woven by Mr. Marshall’s terrific prose to intersect at a point of commonality: the Straw Men. It is a novel capable of blending creepy with outright terror with white-knuckle-can’t-put-it-downedness that does not lose an iota of effect even upon re-reading."
(Jeff Marsick, July 16, 2008, Newsarama, http://www.newsarama.com/comics/080716-BSEStrawMen.html)
Real citation: "I'm not a big fiction reader, but I get a kind of white-knuckle-can’t-put-it-downedness when reading certain dictionaries... I wish I were kidding; I'm just a word-licking dictionary-humper to the bone."
Real citation: "Most involved—and opinionated—was Roseanne. Earlier in the night, she had climbed into the ring to congratulate female lightweight fighter Christy Martin, who had just stopped palookette Bethany Payne in the first round. Back in the VIP room, Roseanne offered her own formula for livening up the sport: Let men fight women. 'The men don't stand a chance,' the actress declared. Got a problem with that?"
(Nov. 25, 1996, People, http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20142861,00.html)
Made-up citation: "Do you think all women are palookettes or proctologistesses? Discuss your answer in a 500-word essay that shows critical thinking and good penmanship."
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Real citation: "THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T GO IN
- Garbage threads (ex: Wut avatar???, Kill newbz!, Teh kewl chatboxxx)
- High post-count spam threads (ex: word games, Post to a 1000000!)
- Threads degrading other users (ex: Shotgunnova is a buttfacehead)
- Mundane threads (ex: What's your favorite Jell-O pudding flavor?)
- Modview-only threads (this should go without saying, IMO)"
(Nov. 29, 2007, GamesRadar Forums, http://radarnation.gamesradar.com/thread.jspa?threadID=26900&tstart=0&start=20)
Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'Be sober, be vigilant--because your adversary the buttfacehead, as a roaring lion, walketh about seeking whom he may devour.'"
Real citation: "Some of the best weapons are made from deep into either Master Hammersmith, Axesmith of Swordsmith. Though pricy, they are still agrueable the best. The first and second tier only require little 5 manning to get the Primal Nethers. And the third tier will require you to go to a 25 man raid for the Nether thingy."
(March 22, 2007, VN Boards, http://vnboards.ign.com/world_of_warcraft_general_board/b19789/102042918/p2/?21)
Made-up citation: "Bad pick-up line #436: Would you like to see my nether-thingy? Bad pick-up line #437: I'm as horny as a box of rocks."
Monday, September 08, 2008
Real citation: "for those of you who don’t know, point break is a bit of celluloid heaven from the 90s starring the ever-emotive keanu reeves as fbi agent johnny utah (not kidding) who goes undercover to crack a ring of surfing bank robbers (not kidding) led by a neo-eco-socio-wacko named bodhi, played by the understated and subtle patrick swayze…again, not kidding."
(March 3, 2008, LAbuzzBLOG, http://labuzzblog.com/2008/03/03/utah-johnny-utah/)
Made-up citation: "Could a psycho-robo-rambo beat up a neo-eco-socio-wacko? Let me consult my trusty batshitometer..."
Real citation: "The Space Pumpkin leaps up, he knows the drill
He grins at the thought of a mutant to kill
He blasts off from Mars and heads for the stars
With his jetpack he's faster than a hundred squad cars
He jumps out in front of Astro-Creep's path
and launches an arsenal with a maniacal laugh
Solar spiders and asteroid bats rocket through the ether
Exploding on the ThunderJeep, above and underneath her
But Astro-Creep was far from beat, though he lost his cool
He shoots back nano-slime, laser snot and even robo-drool
Down below costumed kids see aurora borealis
Unaware 'twere an omen of freakyzoidal malice"
(Oct. 30, 2007, Pooing in the Woods, http://homiebear.blogspot.com/2007_10_01_archive.html)
Made-up citation: "As oil supplies run out and robot armies outnumber humanity, it's likely that robo-drool will solve our energy problems in the near future. And if we learn how to harness robo-phlegm...our troubles are over."
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Related term: attack poodle.
Real citation: " Perhaps the evil hench poodle threw a bucket of water on her computer!"
(Aug. 30, 2007, Labradoodle Discussion Board, http://labradoodle-dogs.net/forums/post-51981.html)
Made-up citation: "Internationally, Tony Blair is known as George Bush's hench-poodle. In my neighborhood, that title is taken by little Mimi, who weighs four pounds but attacks with the ferocity of a six-pound pooch."
Real citation: "And I am resolved to NEVER turn my back to a digital camera. There are just some things that a woman should not view, one of which is her backside in snug jeans and a coat that is too short. I probably have PTBVSD (Post Traumatic Butt Viewing Stress Disorder - very unsafe). Maybe I should post it on the refrigerator. Of course, The Temperamental Mr. Bee may wonder why I refuse to go into the kitchen ever again. It would be hard to overeat if one could not bear to open the 'fridge ..."
(Jan. 2004, Bee-Mused, http://www.geocities.com/rblarchives/jan04bee.html)
Made-up citation: "Since losing 30 pounds this year, my case of post-traumatic butt-viewing stress disorder cleared right up. My bippy is a credit to America, unlike those traitors running against me."
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Real citation: "There's a very Vic Mackey-ish feel to Batman's relationship with Penguin. Needless to say, I like it."
(April 30, 2006, SuperHeroHype Boards, http://forums.superherohype.com/showthread.php?t=189562&page=49)
Made-up citation: "I left the ballet forever after a reviewer called my arabesques Vic Mackey-ish. Now I embrace the adjective in my new life as a rogue cop who beats the ugly out of dance reviewers and other journalist scum."
Friday, September 05, 2008
Real citation: " Honestly, Fran -- I really think the booze and the grass has fried your brain. You might want to clean up...go cold turkey...see if you can salvage anything. It's not too late, my son. You can still become a useful member of society. Many people in your situation go on to lead fulfilling, even productive lives. You don't want to become a one-man-band, busking on the beach at Venice for crack money. Or maybe you do...I guess that could be fun in its own way. I suppose the world needs crackheads too, just like it needs ditch diggers and garbagemen and stuff. Crack dealers are supporting their families, after all -- the vast illicit crack farms of North Methistan are a bleak place, one of the World Health Organization's hotspots...honestly, any income that makes their lives better is welcomed. So, what the hell, carry on!"
(June 15, 2008, Quarterlife, http://www.quarterlife.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=34431&sid=9a102438174a30b143edc9ccc24fbd18)
Made-up citation: "I've narrowed down my ancestral homeland to three places: North Methistan, East Buttfuckistan, and Pittsburgh. Soon I will know my people and who I truly am! Then again, I'mboredsowhere'sthepornistan is nice this time of year..."
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Real citation: " It really brings me down to see people who get paid to write, like Ben Lieberman, come up with titles like 'Energy Policy That Should Have Been Flushed.' It brings me down even more when those titles belong to articles that lack any interesting or relevant content. Presumably, by giving his piece such a crude and unimaginative title, Lieberman wanted to foreshadow the truly abysmal nature of this energy policy. Disappointingly, the article itself never gets around to proving that abysmality...abysmalness...abysmalitude...well, you know what I mean."
(Dec. 27, 2007, Rust Belt Philosophy, http://rustbeltphilosophy.blogspot.com/2007/12/toilet-humor-is-always-funny-ha-ha.html)
Made-up citation: "What abysmalitude is this? How can God allow such abominationitude in the world? Oh, a thousand pardons. I didn't know that was your face."
Real citation: "Because if you believe what Kudlow believes--that the markets want the Republicans to win, and go down with the prospect of Democrats winning--then this week's Dow losing streak signifies a solidifying consensus among portfolio managers and traders that the McCain campaign is riding to defeat, despite Sarah Palin's diamond-tipped-nippled bravura."
(James Wolcott, Sept. 4, 2008, http://www.vanityfair.com/online/wolcott/2008/09/in-a-performance-worthy-of.html)
Made-up citation: "I'll have a half-caff, non-fat, no-whip, diamond-tipped-nippled latte on wheels. Just don't tell my wife."
Real citation: "On the otherhand, for Gnesio-Evangelicals, faith is mediated. By that I mean, faith is mediated by a promise. All the while in Christian life, it is the promise (the Gospel) that drives all of deductions in life. I see this in the case of Abraham, his faith was not immediate, rather it was mediated by a promise (see the above verse). When Abraham was being tried he had no immediate word from God saying "look, all will be ok, relax, you kill him and I will raise him from the dead, OK? Don't worry, be happy". I am being sarcasmagoric but you know what I mean."
(June 3, 2008, Extra Nos, http://extranos.blogspot.com/2008/06/faith-mediated-or-immediate.html)
Made-up citation: "Don't be so sarcasmagoric, pal. I don't have such a trained tongue, but I do have a rabid wombat who hasn't eaten in a long time..."
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Real citation: "David Duchovny: Nice one checking into rehab just as the new season of Californication is set to begin. Please. The only disease you have is can't-keep-it-in-my-pants-itis. Quit pathologizing your cheating—people have been doing it for centuries."
(Judy McGuire, Sept. 3, 2008, Seattle Weekly, http://www.seattleweekly.com/2008-09-03/diversions/star-crossed-lovers.php)
Made-up citation: "Would you prefer a President with can't-keep-it-in-my-pants-itis or couldn't-get-laid-in-a-women's-prison-with-a-bag-of-pardons syndrome? The question is relevant, since Presidents usually possess both pardons and pants."
noun. Some poop passeth. Some poop stayeth.
Real citation: "Our big problem now is poop juice. (When I say, "poop juice" I mean, literally, POOP JUICE. ) When he doesn't sleep all night (which is rare, but does happen), he'll wake early in the morning covered in poop juice. Even when he does sleep all night, he is covered in poop juice. This means I am washing sheets almost every single day and changing his pajamas constantly. I also think my fingers smell like perma-poop. It is disgusting."
Made-up citation: "The day my dog rolled in a pile of horse (or *shudder* man) poo, I feared my shit-covered pooch would forever be tainted with a brown coating of perma-poop. If my life were a Seinfeld episode, I would have given him away that day to prevent a future of crap-flavored doggie kisses. Since my life is actually a Shield episode, I soothed myself by foiling the police bureaucracy and instigating a gang war to protect my family."
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Real citation: "The only things that can lure me to the suburbs are sex and Dunkin' Donuts blueberry muffins, which come marbled with exquisite saturated fats like fine Kobe beef.
Sex is far less predictably appetizing, so when you're crossing the city line via surface transit for a questionable encounter with a stranger, you begin to wish you were heading muffinward instead. Nevertheless, this particular muggy June afternoon, I found myself on my way to the suburbs for the non-muffin reason, from Washington, D.C. to the cultural abyss of Rockville, Maryland. I surveyed my fellow bus passengers. Most of them gazed despondently out their windows like freshly convicted inmates being transported to a facility for long-term supervision"
(June 25, 2007, Will Doig, Nerve, http://www.nerve.com/regulars/badsex/022/)
Made-up citation: "You have temped me with your seductive scones of sin. But I shall resist! I will continue muffinward, like my forefathers, not knowing if this world has any muffins or heroes left at all."
Real citation: "This growing interest in politics has not gone unnoticed at the lair of Oprah Winfrey. Oprah followers have given her a dedicated volunteer base to spread the influence of Obama’s campaign. Wielding her supernatural powers of mind control and weight fluctuation to reign over daytime TV viewers, with her Oprah-garchy."
(April 10, 2008, The Spit Valve, http://www.thespitvalve.com/?p=11)
Made-up citation: "Would you rather live in an Oprah-garchy or a kindergarchy? I'll stick to my warm, familiar crack-pipe-garchy, thanks."
Real citation: "Tater's main squeeze is out of town for the next week and she SWEARS we're going to 'yakketyblog' as she calls it. I won't hold my breath and neither should you because she's promised yakketyblogging with me before and it's never come to fruition. BUT if it happens, won't we all be pleasantly surprised."
(Sept. 1, 2008, Redneck Diva, http://www.theredneckdiva.com/)
Made-up citation: "I love yakketyblogging with certain friends and countrymen. It's so much better than FTF yakketybarfing."
Monday, September 01, 2008
Real citation: "I am now officially a Bunnyhuahua thanks to one of my My Space friends!!! nite luv y"
(March 20, 2007, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=113359000)
Made-up citation: "I bought a bunnyhuahua, Eleanor; I named it after you. And I haven't washed the tub since that night when you, me, and a ducky discovered the meaning of magic."
Real citation: "I changed some parts of the model, added some textures, created a nice scene (complete with energy clips and some nice green-glowing-nano-slime-ammo-packs :blink: ) and totally f**ked up the lights on this one (aargh!!... so bright!!...) :D"
(June 13, 2007, http://www.c4dcafe.com/ipb/lofiversion/index.php/t23334-200.html)
Made-up citation: "Honey, have you seen my green-glowing-nano-slime-ammo-pack? The boss is gonna kill me if I lose another one!"