Wednesday, August 01, 2012

America’s Next Batman

With the end of the Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale Batman movies here, studio executives are already preparing for a reboot. These are some of the proposals that are being considered:

Bruce Wayne is destined to become Batman once his parents are killed, but why do they have to be murdered by a thug? Their murder should be more contemporary and relatable: peanut allergies. Instead of fighting crime, Batman will sternly admonish people who make fun of food allergies. The villain could be Mr. Peanut.


Bruce Wayne is a ladies’ man, yet Batman has never really appealed to women viewers. So let’s cast TV’s McDreamy as Batman and Katherine Heigl as a Katherine Heigl-type love interest.


The religious crowd tends to feel excluded by superhero movies, which seem to exist in a godless, immoral, spandex-clad hellscape. Let’s remedy that with Batman: The Blue Angel. In this origin story, Batman’s parents will be saved by Bibles in their pockets. It would be really fun to see what Batman does during the Rapture.


Can we get Batman into The Avengers?


It’s been a long time since the humorous Batman of the sixties, so America is probably ready for a new, fresh, hilarious spin on the dark knight. With Judd Apatow at the helm and Will Ferrell under the cape, this Batman will foil crime and frowns. The movie would include the first ever nude scene of Batman, as well as Batman going through a classic Aptowian journey: Batman eventually saves the day when he learns to grow up and stop hanging around the Batcave smoking pot all day like a loser.


Tyler Perry Presents Batman.


The Tyler Perry of every other ethnic group presents Batman.


Why does Batman have to be a man—or human—at all? Batdog: The Dark Poodle will combine traditional superhero fare with heartwarming stories like Marley and Me. We can keep most elements of the story. For example, Alfred will be Batman’s owner who gives him treats after successful crime-fighting. The villains will be the corrupt owners of a puppy mill and Mitt Romney.


Superhero movies usually avoid politics, but many of our investors would love to see Bruce Wayne support tax cuts for the rich. If he could beat up a liberal President, bonus.


Since everyone thinks TV is so great these days, what if the thug who kills Batman’s parents is a TV showrunner? Then Batman spends the movie beating up TV writers, pretentious critics, and people who don’t buy popcorn.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Eleven hand-sanitizer jokes

I’m going to a fancy hand-sanitizer tasting tonight.

Mmm, I love a Long Island Hand Sanitizer.

Hey teenage girls, I got a keg of hand sanitizer if you want to party.

Does red or white hand sanitizer go with pink slime?

“I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice hand sanitizer.” –Teenage Hannibal Lecter

Hand sanitizer before beer, never fear.

Do you prefer Russian imperial hand sanitizers or India pale hand sanitizers?

Teenage James Bond drank hand-sanitizer-tinis.

Discerning teens drink artisan hand sanitizer.

“Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and hand sanitizer?” –Teenage Shakespeare

“100 bottles of hand sanitizer on the wall, 100 bottles of hand sanitizer...” –Teen drinking song

Friday, March 23, 2012

Ways to further woo the female vote (a leaked Republican Party memo)

Propose massive tax on all "chick stuff."

Refer to sexist, repressive regimes around the world as the Axis of Awesome Bros.

Pay secret-service agents to shark Michelle Obama.

Petition dictionaries to change the spelling of “clitoris” to “clitor-ick!”

Force drugstores to rename Makeup Section the Filthy Prostitute Aisle.

Make up new Bible verses that show Eve was actually made from Adam’s poop.

Declare multiple orgasms unconstitutional.

Add the phrase “Except for the hos” to the Pledge of Allegiance.

Make transvaginal ultrasound a voting requirement.

Start throwing women in Yellowstone volcano “as a precaution.”

Rename Breast Cancer Awareness Month something like Man, God Hates Broads, Huh?

Waterboard all feminists because of the Patriot Act or whatever.

Burn every Jo-Ann Fabric to the ground and salt the earth.

Put something itchy in all bras.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Five proverbs about nunsploitation

Nunsploitation before beer, never fear.

No taxation without nunsploitation!

When life hands you nunsploitation, make nunsploitation-ade.

Nunsploit not, lest ye be nunsploited.

Keep your friends close and your nunsploitation DVD library closer.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Replacing "mother" with "milf" at the bookstore

Are You My Milf?

Milf Goose Nursery Rhymes

The Milf of All Pregnancy Books

Milf, Please!

Milfs of Invention

Chicken Soup for the Milf’s Soul

Buddhism for Milfs

Message from an Unknown Chinese Milf

What Your Milf Never Taught You About Sex

The Wind is My Milf

Milf Theresa of Calcutta: A Personal Portrait

My Milf/My Self

May You Be the Milf of a Hundred Sons

Does a Kangaroo Have a Milf, Too?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Why celery is the worst thing in the world

It tastes like a stalk of nothing.

It’s not a carrot.

It’s not a cookie.

It tastes like looking into the abyss feels.

It’s a terrorist.

It’s numerical equivalent is .00000000000000000010001.

It hates America.

It is green nothingness.

It’s not even that green.

It adds nothing, subtracts nothing, multiplies nothing, and divides nothing. It is nothing.

The opposite of celery is boobs.

In the Garden of Eden, the “snake” that ruined everything was really celery.

Many cultures call celery “the devil’s dong.”

Celery violates the Geneva Conventions.

Celery sucks.

Celery has one ball, like Hitler.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

New Year’s Resolutions

To become a better person, but not so good that anyone benefits or notices or thinks it’s the start of a trend.

To listen to my inner voice, especially when it says “Beer?” and “Hi, handsome.”

To become part of something bigger than myself, like an angry mob.

To accept that I have a drinking problem, but God has a plan for me, so hooray! I have a drinking blessing.

To embrace my inner child, but not in a creepy way.

To stop being a schmuck and start being a schlemiel.

To stop working the word “dingleberry” into everything. Heh, dingleberry.

To stop saying “I have one caveat!” until I learn what a caveat is.

To use my millions to fund a private trip to the moon.

To make millions.

To make thousands.

To put my resolution list in a more logical order.

To stop putting lipstick on pigs, literally.

To touch as many lives as I can, within the parameters of my parole.

To vibrate with happiness, joy, and vibrators.

To visualize what I want from life, using binoculars.

To bring at least three paddles on my next Shit Creek vacation.

To pick a doomsday that fits my lifestyle.

To send a gift basket to Quetzalcoatl, in case his doomsday is the real one.

To learn more about other people, like if any of them are my children.

To teach my dog not to bite the wrong toddlers.

To find out if silk pajamas count as business casual.

To stop thinking about myself for five seconds.

To buy a stopwatch so I can be sure when five seconds are up.

To proofread and spellcheck my prophesies.

To stop telling geeks and nerds, “You guys are really dweebs.”

To stop telling baristas my milk preference is breast.

To stop referring to my children as crotchfruit.

To stop referring to my dogs as my children.

To stop referring to kids on the playground as my dogs.

To stop eating my emotions until I find a recipe for bacon-wrapped regret.

To stop trying to stop things, because I sound so negative!

To yodel my way to the top.

To convince the world, or at least the world’s convenience-store owners, that a towel is pants.

To learn to love myself, no matter how many masturbating lessons it takes.

To admit that my Kryptonite is Kryptonite, because I am Superman.