Sunday, November 30, 2008
Real citation: "hehe! i don't do anything but humourous stuff at the moment it seems o.O; altho in future plans hikari's actually not at all comedy-y! i was thinking the other day how wierd its going to be to work on a non-comedy comic XD"
(Dec, 2, 2007, Livejournal, http://wikivic.livejournal.com/152309.html)
Made-up citation: "Having a bunch of dogs around means every day is at least kinda comedy-y. I'm amazed when Monkey sticks his ass in Jed's face while simultaneously biting Jed in the face. Monkey's face and ass are occupying the same space/face! That's not only funny; it's cosmologically significant."
Real citation: "I think that was pickling. I will give his co-doofus credit for one honest statement; TENNENT: It's all very confusing to me.
If they both just repeated that sentence for their entire show, instead of trying to give demented history lessons, they'd have some credibility."
Made-up citation: "'I'm not looking for a life partner--a co-doofus would be just fine,' said my Uncle Edgar to a squirrel, who cursed himself for his lifelong, bittersweet, tragic nut addiction."
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Real citation: "What happened the day after both candidates expressed their views? Infotainment hacks came to the consensus that Sen. Obama’s inexperience was showing while Sen. Clinton demonstrated the kind of superior judgment she gets from . . . from . . . well, from sleeping with a working President, I suppose. Yet that is a bizarro version of what actually happened. Sen. Clinton, apparently fearful of being branded as unwise by the same media airheads legitimizing this President’s nuclear 'bunker buster' initiative, decided that she too had to be cuckoo for nuke-o-puffs."
(Oct. 1, 2007, What You Should Think, http://demonweed.wordpress.com/2007/10/01/what-you-should-think-about-presidential-debates/)
Made-up citation: "The true story of the real Count Chocula is a sad one that's been whitewashed by history. He was struck down before his time by a tragic bowl of nuke-o-puffs. That's not the worst part: the whereabouts of Cap'n Crunch were never determined."
Friday, November 28, 2008
Real citation: "UPDATE: 1/19/08) Canada has just issued a semi-quasi-half-baked apology for including the U.S. on their 'Torture Watch List. (but we're still on it)'"
(Jan. 19, 2008, Carpe Baloney, http://carpebaloney.blogspot.com/2008/01/olio-n-miscellaneous-collectionas-below.html)
Made-up citation: "Enough! I'm tired of your semi-quasi-half-baked plans for world domination and damsel endangerment. What kind of secret lair of evil geniuses is this? We couldn't mwah-ha-ha our way out of a paper bag."
Real citation: "I'm going to beg to differ about his douchitude. While I admit whitey isn't classical, paleo-douche, he fits what has come to be called neo-douche. Neo douche is one who, without provocation or authorization, attacks sovereign hotties."
(Feb. 19, 2007, Hot Chicks with Douchebags, http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2007/02/pogo-stick.html)
Made-up citation: "As I get older, gradually inserting one piggy after another into the grave, it's not the graying of my hair or the defirming of these once-proud buttocks that I object to: it's the prospect of being labeled a paleo-douche after I'm dead, in a tasteful display at the Field Museum, from which I would educate thousands of schoolchildren a year. That is a terrible legacy. What did thousands of schoolchildren ever do for me?"
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Real citation: "We apologize in advance for subjecting you to this image of leading Hollywood torture-pornographer/ turkeysploitation visionary Eli Roth, but we felt that today's combination of disturbing Lindsay Lohan and Brian Grazer imagery, while certainly distressing on its own, probably wouldn't leave any lasting psychological scars."
(June 4, 2007, Defamer, http://defamer.com/hollywood/annals-of-marketing/the-uncut-eli-roth-265804.php)
Made-up citation: "Stop this turkeysploitation film! Send home the basters and fluffers! You are turning Thanksgiving dinner into a Dan Savage column, Mom. Again!"
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Real citation: "Fourth Horseman of the Tire-Swing-pocalypse?"
(Josh Marshall, Sept. 15, 2008, Talking Points Memo, http://www.talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/217165.php)
Made-up citation: "As a camp counselor for eight years, I was lucky enough to never encounter a tire-swing-pocalypse. Good thing too. Three tether-ball-geddons a summer kept me busy enough."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Real citation: "Nice hearing from you my brother, keep up the enthusiasmgasm and being a good guy. Cheers my man. Stay healthy, you never know, we could be the best damn tag team. Ill lock on the sharpshooter as perfect to Bret as i do haha, and you can drop a nice legdrop or maybe flying headbutt onto the piece of trash that decided he wanted some of Mike dagger and Scotty Primo. Peace bro ; Puerto Rico 4 - Life."
(July 23, 2008, MySpace, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=55209802)
Made-up citation: "I admit it. I'm having an enthusiasmgasm for the series finale of The Shield tonight. I don't really know what to do with myself. I tried chewing the bark off a tree, and that didn't help. I held my horses--tightly--and that didn't help. I would turn to my favorite refreshing beverage, but I don't want to watch the finale through grain alcohol goggles."
Real citation: "Between his views on abortion, the separation of church and state, and evolution, Paul earns three strikes on the batshit-o-meter. Thanks for playing and we have some lovely parting gifts."
(Dec. 18, 2007, unreasonable.org, http://unreasonable.org/node/1617)
Made-up citation: "We hope you enjoy the Apple Batshit-o-meter Nano. For best results, do not use in conditions of extreme cuckoo-ness, like death cults and Thanksgiving dinners."
Monday, November 24, 2008
Real citation: "Jean Chretien, finally, had a ... no, on the other hand, he seems not to have had any vision at all. What he did have, however, was the common touch. He may have been a thug, a weasel, and a slimeball, but he could connect with Canadians and make them believe that thuggery, weaselhood, and slimeballitude were reasonable traits that, you know, a reasonable person would have. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the politician's art."
(Nov. 14, 2005, The Amazing Wonderdog, http://barkingmadly.blogspot.com/2005/11/hide-razor-blades.html)
Made citation: "The average American President has had a slimeballitude quotient of 263.5, yet Barack Obama only scored 17.9, according to political scientists in my mind."
Real citation: "Solid. Enjoy all the Vic Mackey-ness."
(Dec. 21, 2007, Jinxworld Forums, http://www.606studios.com/bendisboard/archive/index.php/t-136015-p-15.html)
Made-up citation: "Despite the risks of death, disgrace, and imprisonment, my therapist says I should cultivate more Vic Mackey-ness in my life. It seems I'm wallowing in Mr. Mackey-ness, a common hormonal condition characterized by whimpering 'M'kay' when I should be barking 'Drop it!'"
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Real citation: "GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST!!!!
Your new photo is SASQUATCHTASTIC!"
(Feb. 1, 2007, MySpace, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=45796020)
Made-up citation: "My dog is so unprepared for the Chicago winter; he has never been mistaken for a sasquatchtastic beast. Fortunately, he pees and poos like a Christmas miracle, or a speeding bullet, whichever is faster."
Real citation: "Another one swallowed up by a soul-sucking mainstream game company...
A fellow soul-suckee."
(Jan. 25, 2008, GarageGames, http://origin-www.garagegames.com/blogs/38534/14198)
Made-up citation: "Though I don't believe in souls, ghosts, or were-proctologists, even I felt like a sad, stammering soul-suckee after grad school, clutching my dissertation in one hand and a bucket of grain alcohol in the other. By Odin's ravens, you don't want to know what my feet were clutching."
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Real citation: "McCain and (We're the First! We're the First!) Schtup-a-Lobbyistgate: A Lot of Questions"
(Feb. 20, 2008, Hoffmania!, http://www.hoffmania.com/blog/2008/02/mccain-and-were.html)
Made-up citation: "The ramifications of Schtup-a-lobbyistgate are still being felt in the tri-state area, where the schtupped and the unschtupped, the lobbied and the unlobbied, live out their dreams."
Friday, November 21, 2008
Real citation: "I thought Luna would have studied dingleberryology."
(Nov. 8, 2008, KOBE Headquarters Forums, http://www.kobehq.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1393)
Made-up citation: "It's too bad I studied poems and lattes in grad school, missing out on the advanced seminar in dingleberryology. Maybe I would have learned why my dog loses his shit, so to speak, whenever he has a dangler."
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Related term: mmmf face.
Real citation: "Oyyy.... somehow I doubt that... Especially with the look from Olivia's WTFOMGTMDTLAARGBBQ?! face when Vic and Ronnie were marching into her office. If they were in fact sleeping together, I would hit Shawn Ryan because that would be so soapy."
(HoneyBee, Nov. 20, 2008, "The Shield," Television Without Pity, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=1569855&view=findpost&p=11064148)
Made-up citation: "Whenever I leave, my dog gives me his best WTFOMGTMDTLAARGBBQ?! face. Then he pees on my cornflakes."
Real citation: "Ah-choo-la-la"
(Chris Wright, April 23, 2004, Boston Phoenix, http://www.bostonphoenix.com/boston/news_features/this_just_in/dBlogger: Wordlustitude - Create Postocuments/03773024.asp)
Made-up citation: "Oh Gwendolyn, I feel like I never knew mucus till I knew thee. I drank my NyQuil alone; boogers were my only companion. Let's go buy a 280-tissue box of kleenex, and let's use them all tonight. Ah-choo-la-la!"
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Real citation: "09.21.08 - This is the day I turned twenty-three years old. Fat-crappy-tastic!"
(Sandra Buensalida, MySpace, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=4989932)
Made-up citation: "I don't know how I'm going to get through this week, waiting for the series finale of The Shield. I may have to engage in heinous, ungodly, fat-crappy-tastic words and deeds. Anything to take my mind off Vic Mackey and his bald head and his terrible fate!"
Real citation: "Noogie-monger"
(June 18, 2003, BladeGash Forums, http://www.bladegash.net/forums/printthread.php?t=3549&pp=15&page=109)
Made-up citation: "It's hard to let go of the past, especially when you've been a notorious noogie-monger on five continents, like me. I wish I could un-noogie all my victims, but I can't. No one forgets a noogie, not even the nuns..."
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Real citation: "We had our first diaper-tastrophe last night. Lately Sophie has been tugging on the tabs of her diaper, pulling one side off. Generally, I keep her in clothes with waistbands so she can't get to them. It has been getting cooler at night, though, so I put her in a footed sleeper, with no waistband, last night. She awoke at her usual time this morning (about 6:15, yuck) and I left her in there for a few minutes, just in case she felt like going back to sleep. When I finally went in to pick her up, she was soaking wet. From head to foot. In truth, it could have been MUCH worse, but I felt pretty crappy (see, I wasn't going to mention poop but somehow I couldn't resist) for leaving her to sit in her cold, wet outfit for 15 minutes. Lesson learned."
(Sept. 23, 2008, The Land of Bean, http://landofbean.blogspot.com/2008/09/random-tuesday.html)
Made-up citation: "With the Nappy Whisperer's 20-volume DVD series, parents can overcome any diaper-tastrophe--even a code-orange, 24-carat, weapons-grade poopooapalooza."
Real citation: "Tao's production is far too 80's... all screaming synth 'parps' and enormo-robo-drums...but the songs save it. I saw him on that tour and he was magnificent."
(Feb. 24, 2008, MR.com Noticeboard, http://forums.melodicrock.com/phorum33/read.php?f=1&i=266201&t=265900&v=f)
Made-up citation: "In my musical fantasies, I am always a drummer, usually playing with a hot singer like PJ Harvey or Amanda Palmer. Because I hate myself, I was recently replaced in these fantasies by enormo-robo-drums, and the hot singer was replaced by Don Rickles."
Monday, November 17, 2008
Related term: hoo-hah-ectomy.
Real citation: "Well, it's Monday, and I don't feel like taking any tests today, but as I was scrolling by the previous post titles the Designer hoo hoo title caught my eye and I had to tell you that I was flipping chanels and Dr. 90210 was on and he was performing a hoo-hoo-ectomy or otomy...whatever!!!!and they showed the part he cut off. It was totally disgusting laying there on the surgical table. Just had to share!!! ICK!!!"
(Aug. 27, 2007, Cranky Fitness, http://www.crankyfitness.com/2007/08/whats-that-thing-in-my-brain.html)
Made-up citation: "If your surgeon frequently uses words like 'hoo-hoo-ectomy' and 'exorcism,' then you have got an awesome surgeon. Your doctor rocks. Can I be your nurse?"
Real citation: "They’ve have had a particular appeal to me, personally, since yesterday, when Ninja-in-Chief Vaughn Dickson posted an excellent review of my book on the site. Pop in, take a look, and, while you’re there, take a moment to play with the monkeys. Feel free to feed them."
(Richard de Nooy, Dec. 5, 2007, http://richarddenooy.book.co.za/blog/2007/12/05/ninja-monkeys-on-my-shoulder/)
Made-up citation: "I've had a wide-ranging career. Spent a few years as a proofreader, while moonlighting as a power forward. I worked as a barista, monkey trainer, and sociologist, before stumbling into a job as ninja-in-chief for a powerful corporate entity. Keep that under your cloak, folks. The public shouldn't know Target employs ninjas with a 'target' of our own: (insert villainous ha-has here)."
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Real citation: "Part of it's a little hard to read, but I think you can get the idea. When I saw this, I couldn't help wondering how in the hell a door can be out of order. Seriously, does that mean it won't open? If so, the sign's pretty useless, don't you think? I mean that would be pretty obvious when it didn't open (although I suppose such a sign would keep people from calling the management, as the sign would indicate they already knew about it). Or does it mean it won't close? No, that's clearly not the case, as the door is currently closed in the picture. I suppose it could mean that, if you do open the door, it might fall on you and possibly kill you. Or it might be broken such that it will only open into another dimension where you are likely to fall prey to the Dreaded Ass Bite of the Evil Buttmunchosaur, at which point out of order doors will clearly become the least of your concerns."
(July 21, 2008, The Chronicles of Abs, http://abschronicles.blogspot.com/2008_07_01_archive.html)
Made-up citation: "I studied the buttmunchosaur in school, but not too closely... I prefer to focus my scholarly pursuits on paleo-doofi and their fascinating culture that has so much to teach us today."
Friday, November 14, 2008
Real citation: "That darn Bug...she's the first Celebu-rat, i know...."
(Oct. 22, 2008, Flickr, http://www.flickr.com/photos/necilbug/2964751358/)
Made-up citation: "Would you feel better about the vermin scurrying across your torso if you knew they were celebu-rats? Most Americans would. In fact, 9 out of 10 people say they'd never wash their torso again."
Real citation: "What would that make him? A were-proctologist?"
(May 12, 2001, Keenspot, http://forums.keenspot.com/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=7313)
Made-up citation: "I've been trying to think of all the canines... Dogs, wolves, and foxes are easy. Then there's the proud dingo and the wily coyote. Can't forget were-proctologists and hyenas, two deadly predators who make even stoic critters jittery. What about jackals? Can anyone help me with this?"
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Real citation: "So we were all playing in the snow after our blue man encounter, and we kept knocking each other over and doing giant pile on people activities, and my friend Kim and I decided that we wanted to run and leap onto our new school statue of Pierre Marquette, who happens to look incredibly similiar to Captain Morgan (the alcohol drink incase no one got that). So we get a running start and I leap onto him but his hand is stretched out a bit and his HUGE fingers dug into the soft part of my leg between my knee cap and my leg and it HURT! Now I have a bruise on my leg from Captain Morgan's incredu-normous (hahah remember that rach and ktp?) fingers. It was a good fun night I must say. However we are all ten times sicker lol."
(Dec. 12, 2004, Livejournal, http://community.livejournal.com/yaaaaayop/29065.html)
Made-up citation: "I once had incredu-normous hair... Now I am tastefully shorn. I wish I could say I was tastefully seductive, but then I'd probably be a perfume or nethergarment, which would be awkward."
Real citation: "Today is film critic and thumb-thusiast Roger Ebert's 65th birthday. He's still in recovery mode from his cancer struggles, but he's been writing reviews for a few weeks now, and we here at The...Pants wish the wonderful fella a very happy B-day!"
(June 18, 2007, my new plaid pants, http://mynewplaidpants.blogspot.com/2007/06/happy-65th-roger.html)
Made-up citation: "I never wanted to be known as a thumb-thusiast, Margaret. In my family, I was taught to never trust thumbs, under any circumstances. *gulp* Is that why I need them so much?"
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Real citation: "Jenna, I'm glad to hear that you had a relatively successful, and entertaining(?), stint with public transportation today. :o) What would have made the story a stand-up comedy routine would be if Policeman #1 were actually the sketchball from your previous encounters! Haha! Oh, well. Maybe these policemen can be referred to as the 'Police-erazzi' from now on. :oD"
(Aug. 27, 2008, Final Four Women, http://finalfourwomen.blogspot.com/2008/08/bus-15-jenna-05.html)
Made-up citation: "I'm rewatching The Wire, season four. There is very little mention of the police-erazzi. In eight years of Catholic school, I also never heard them mentioned. Maybe it's a conspiracy. Or am I just drunk?"
Real citation: "Having suffered from the age of 13 with what others call being well endowed, i don't agree, i've tried a number of things and yet am never shocked when i run past a window and see them flopping away. Unfortunatly my finances are somewhat lacking, so the possibility of purchasing a $40 ultra-mega-lift-no-bounce wonder bra just isnt a possibility. At current I'm using the 2-bra method. I'll wear a sports bra and then a sports bra tank-top over it. This works ok. Sometimes it feels a little tight around the elastic band but it's still more comfortable than having the ladies flying all outa control. I was wondering though and maybe someone can answer this, if there has been no real significant change in the technology of sports bras in the past few years, why then do most of them cost more than my favorite pair of jeans?
(May 15, 2008, Runner's World, http://marathonmoms.runnersworld.com/2008/05/sports-bra-stri.html)
Made-up citation: "Now that the miracle bra has trumped the wonderbra--even in the crucial ultra-mega-lift-no-bounce department--bra mavens wonder what's coming down the underwire next. Insiders in the bra industry have confirmed that the chocolate-cake bra, the multiple-orgasms bra, and the choir-of-heavenly-angels bra are all in development and should be reshaping local breasts by spring."
Real citation: "I'm actually hoping that I am sitting closest to the infant when I get on the plane. Unlikely, though, given my exit row-ness."
(Jennifer Leggio, Aug. 20, 2008, Twitter, http://twitter.com/mediaphyter/statuses/894049710)
Made-up citation: "On my last two flights, I luxuriated in opulent exit-row-ness. Seldom do I experience such joy as when my quivering lips say 'yes' to whatever responsibilities are demanded in exchange for these primo seats. I'd yes anything for the extra space. The real question they should ask is: What wouldn't you agree to at this moment? What affront to God, Mom, country, decency, or puppies would you not affirm in exchange for life-giving, nap-facilitating, back-relieving legroom? I wouldn't sell my dog to pirates, but then again, I hear some pirates are quite nice this time of year..."
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Real citation: "Poor HuffnPuff she has to make herself viable for some reason every election year...no matter what party she decides to join at the time...at least in her mind...and some of her loony ilk-hood."
(June 19, 2007, NewsBusters, http://newsbusters.org/node/13583)
Made-up citation: "I'm always looking for people of my ilk, people whose ilk-hood I can understand. My non-ilk hate me; I've been tossed out of ilks before. Ilkiness is hard to identify, but when I see some good ilk, I know it."
Related terms: nano-eternity.
Real citation: "The steep repulsive van der Waals interaction potential among the constituents, I–Kr and Kr–Kr, makes this system a 3-dimensional nano-billiards, in which scattering is well described by hard-sphere collisions."
(Matias Bargheer, Markus Guhr, and Nikolaus Schwentner, Oct. 8, 2003, http://www.udkm.physik.uni-potsdam.de/paper/collisionstransfercoherence.pdf)
Made-up citation: "Forget nano-billiards. I recently realized I suck at billiards-billiards. This bothers me. I don't mind being a horrible human being who probably deserves to be dropped from a great height, but I can't take being a crappy pool player. I'm off to the bar to practice..."
Monday, November 10, 2008
Real citation: "Soundbite: Paula Abdul-usional
Paula Abdul: I'm tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am."
Made-up citation: "I often feel Paula Abdul-usional in the morning... *crickets chirping* Oh, come on, guys. Like every middle linebacker doesn't feel the same way!"
Real citation: "The Mariners have a tenuous half game lead in the race for worst. While an amazingly dull 8-game losing streak has given them a ton of crap-mentum, 6 of their last 10 games are against the A's. That's going to make it extra challenging to finish the season weak."
(Sept. 19, 2008, Mariner Central, http://www.marinercentral.com/forum/lofiversion/index.php?t1272.html)
Made-up citation: "Scientists studying the causes and effects of crap-mentum have come to some startling conclusions: Crapitudinousness is more common than salt, and the only crapfest-free thing in the known universe is the tuna steak at the Bad Dog Tavern in Chicago."
Real citation: "Felsby, how would they know she had no detectable brainwaves? Must have run an EEG, wouldn't you think? Now, what is this proper test for braindeaditude that you assert was not carried out? Wouldn't that have been an EEG?"
(May 23, 2008, Boing Boing, http://www.boingboing.net/2008/05/23/woam-comes-back-to-l.html)
Made-up citation: "I'm thinking of restricting my carnivorous ways to animals that exhibit stunning braindeaditude, like chickens. I feel bad for pigs and their dog-like brains. Of course, this is transparent twaddle meant to justify my continued eating of chickens. Is meat-eating based on intelligence really the way to go? I guess I'd have to support the eating of dumb people too, and I do. In fact, I'll be the first to volunteer, as long as you promise to panini me."
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Real citation: "Anything that hits it is already a home run. It's not at field level dunderdoof."
(March 27, 2008, SFGate, http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=22&entry_id=25236)
Made-up citation: "I write all my songs with the growing dunderdoof demographic in mind. How do you think I attract so many comely dunderdoofettes on tour?"
Real citation: "If lav-love is not your idea of a good time but you're still intent on becoming a mile-higher, there's always Mile High Atlanta, a charter-plane company that takes couples on sex flights. For $379, you can hire a tiny Piper propeller plane outfitted with a mattress, a bottle of champagne and an extremely discreet pilot. The ride lasts an hour and, not that you'll notice, flies you over the gloriously rural west Georgia countryside."
(Judy McGuire, Oct. 21, 2008, Time, http://www.time.com/time/travel/article/0,31542,1849175,00.html)
Made-up citation: "I've lived 36 years without sampling the fruits of airplane lav-love, and I hope I can say the same 36 years from now. I don't even enjoy going to the bathroom in those bathrooms, so why would I want to get all Barry White in there?"
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Real citation: "The other woman? Still the perfume girl at the Saks Fifth Avenue cosmetics counter, the role that helped catapult Crawford to fame, played here with cartoony va-vavoominess by Eva Mendes."
(Christy Lemire, Sept. 12, 2008, Philadelphia Inquirer, link dead)
Made-up citation: "I admire many qualities in your daughter: her integrity, woodworking, and va-vavoominess are all top-shelf. May I take her to the ball, sir? I'd also like to compliment you on your family's fine collection of decorative skulls."
Real citation: "Disatro-catasro-pheeeeeeee
My mom is in the hospital for a few days. I opened this blog at the time we rushed her to the ER."
(Feb. 9, 2008, Trials and Tribulations, http://shootthepirate.blogspot.com/2008/02/disatro-catasro-pheeeeeeee.html)
Made-up citation: "I've been making many toasts this week, like 'America: Not assholes 100% of the time!' and 'Finally, our long national disastro-catastro-pheeeeeeee is over.'"
Friday, November 07, 2008
Real citation: "The Ignoramusette Doesn't Understand Why Roe v. Wade is Bad Law, Can't Think of Single Supreme Court Case She Doesn't Like"
(Debbie Schlussel, Oct. 2, 2008, http://www.debbieschlussel.com/archives/2008/10/the_ignoramuset.html)
Made-up citation: "Don't call my sister an ignoramusette! She's actually a moronwad, just like me and Paw and Griffin, the family chicken."
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Real citation: "All the ones with their brains inserted backwards …as God said: 'Cerebrum? Cerebellum? Schmerebellum? Which way does it go in?'"
(April 1999, Australian Skeptics, http://www.skeptics.com.au/quiz/1999/9904.htm)
Made-up citation: "Oooh, my schmerebellum hurts. Ouch vey!"
Real citation: "I needed to fit him on my Whelm Scale. He ended up landing 'under.' Oden ran with—there's no other way to say it—a noticeable limp. His body sank within itself, like the token tall guy in college who decides it's better to slump than to listen to tall jokes for the next four years. He jogged every time there was an opportunity to jog. Physically, he didn't seem any more intimidating than his teammate LaMarcus Aldridge. Everything about his body language said, "I'm not healthy or confident in my body yet.""
(Nov. 4, 2008, Bill Simmons, ESPN.com, http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3683493)
Made-up citation: "I thought Florida had nothing going for it besides doddering retirees, fake breasts, and Mickey Mouse, but I have eaten sushi this week that scored a kabillion on the whelm scale. I'd cuddle this sushi at night like a teddy bear, if only the standards of my community and the honor code permitted."
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Real citation: "Astrocaust."
(Feb. 6, 2007, SER Board, http://serboard.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=8066&sid=8a3f844f2cfa788edb8abf02eaccca15)
Made-up citation: "In astronaut training, we cover the dangers of astrocaust in week one. Week two is an intense, hands-on seminar in the art and science of maximum absorbency garments. Then we hand out the space blasters and get to work."
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Real citation: "Anti-anti-anti-anti-american
There is a little fuss brewing over at Lefty Conspiracy about the America in the World blog. Frankly the sound of repeated comfort-zone positions is pretty deafening, with neither side addressing the arguments of the other much."
(Aug. 22, 2008, Joe's Extra Bold Blog, http://joeotten.blogspot.com/2008/08/anti-anti-anti-anti-american.html)
Made-up citation: "I always vote for anti-anti-anti-anti-American candidates. And not just any anti-anti-anti-anti-Americans--the REAL anti-anti-anti-anti-Americans. Just like our forefathers, foremamas, and forecritters intended."
Real citation: "My pet peeve nowadays: male enhancement and pee enhancement drugs commercials on TV. If they could do them in a non-sleaze bucket way, I suppose they wouldn't bother me."
(Feb. 18, 2007, Patriots Planet, http://www.patriotsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?s=&threadid=21694)
Made-up citation: "Sleazebucket or non-sleazebucket? That's the question I ask myself every day, whether I'm grooming my Guinness-quality mustache or auditioning minions for the local dungeon's talent show."
Real citation: "I think the prices at this location might be more expensive, more than the website lists, but it's still a good deal for a filling, healthy, protein rich meal, because after all, I may not adore the red stuff, but I ain't no meatorexic either."
(Aug. 11, 2007, Yelp, http://www.yelp.com/biz/zankou-chicken-burbank-2)
Made-up citation: "I lived with a meatorexic once... He used to eat slices of salami like they were potato chips. My name is Mark Peters, and I approved this disturbing college memory."
Monday, November 03, 2008
Real citation: "Also, I think that the media honeymoon for Palin is over now. Her interview with Charlie Gibson has revealed her pretty much for what she is: a McCain fembot in training. All her answers seemed to come right off the index card, and even then, she wasn't well prepared enough to avoid looking uninformed and generally green."
(Sept. 12, 2008, Silliman's Blog, http://ronsilliman.blogspot.com/2008/09/underestimating-gov.html)
Made-up citation: "I resent your calling my daughter Samantha a fembot-in-training. In fact, she is a full-fledged, 24-carat, major-league, deep-dish, weapons-grade turbo-fembot approved by 5 out of 6 professors of fembotics."
Real citation: "General Logic:
(March 17, 2008, http://peta-sucks.com/smf/index.php?topic=32534.10;wap2)
Made-up citation: "On Halloween, my castle was besieged by 14 trick-or-treaters and a trio of buttpires. Oh, the buttmanity!"
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Real citation: "My assessment of the worthlessness of this content doesn’t mean that it’s not worth-ish-y. I’m not quite the best when it comes to spotting trends and value on the Internet because I still don’t see the point of MySpace, but it seems to me that this could be the next big thing. What’s more Internet than monotonic emo children preening and complaining about something they just watched on YouTube? Nothing! It’s MySpace redux."
(Feb. 20, 2007, Whatever's Interesting, http://whateversinteresting.com/category/technology/youtube/)
Made-up citation: "Oh my sweet Evelyn, I am not worthy of you. Unfortunately, I seem to be worth-ish-y of your sister Bernadette."
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Real citation: "as if Parisite Hilton and her neo-nympho-super-race of slutonic crackwhores isn't bringing the country's rep down enough.. the gov't continues to help with the job"
(Dec. 10, 2007, VN Boards, http://vnboards.ign.com/wow_asylum/b22603/105578207/p1/)
Made-up citation: "Judge a neo-nympho-super-race by their deeds, not their words."