Wednesday, October 29, 2008


adj. Like lexical, but instead of words, there are bulges--the kind of unsightly bulges only a real American is packing.

Real citation: "I didn't realize that these were not your run-of-the-mill tummy tucking and thigh smoothing hose until I broke them out on Sunday. As I struggled mightily to get the hose ON my body without poking a fingernail through them, I realized that something was amiss--there was a strangely tight-feeling band located across my butt. I checked myself in the mirror and noted a two inch wide spandex band running across the back of the pantyhose. What strange device was this? From its current location, it was producing a double-butt effect that was bizarre, to say the least. Butt to the top, butt to the bottom, line of elastic bisecting the two: red butt, blue butt, in a way. Then I realized the spandexical elastical doohickey was meant to reside UNDER the cheekal area, in order to lift and separate. Oh goodie. Now I could have Shelf Booty! With kung fu grip! After another five minutes of struggling, realigning and tucking, everything was in its proper place and I was thanking the deodorant gods that I had chosen the Heavy Duty variety of Secret Solid."
(Nov. 10, 2004, Tightly Wound,

Made-up citation: "Alfred! My Bat-panties are in a bunch. Contact the spandexical support team and fetch the Bat-pole, stat."

No comments: