Dear Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano,
I am thrilled that the ridiculous color-coded terror alert system has finally been scrapped. As we all know, that system was terrible. It responded like a mood ring to political manipulation, while doing diddly-poo for the public. Good riddance.
However, I worry about the new system, which will only include two threat levels: “Elevated” and “Imminent.” I understand that these will mean “No problem” and “Problem-pocalypse,” but will they be so clear to the average American, whose critical-thinking skills are equal to (and as cute as) that of a concussed koala? I’m not so sure.
To prevent confusion and keep America safe, may I suggest the following visuals as an add-on to the new system. Any of these contrasts will make the meanings of “Elevated” and “Imminent” clear as terrorist-proof glass. They could even be rotated. Think of the fun travelers will have leaving for a weekend trip at “Threat Level: SPAM” only to return to “Threat Level: Dr. Doom.” Even in a world without Osama bin Laden, you can’t be too careful.
Thank you for considering my suggestions, and God bless America!
Imminent: Russian imperial stout
Elevated: American lager
Imminent: Pit bull
Elevated: Teacup Malti-poo
Imminent: Dick Cheney
Elevated: Dan Quayle
Imminent: Vic Mackey
Elevated: Jim Dangle
Elevated: Any other Baldwin
Elevated: Any other primate
Elevated: Count Chocula