Today's word of the day is "goon." Like "loon," "balloon," "poltroon," "maroon," and "nooner," the word sounds kind of amusing, but I didn't pick "goon" for its sound.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the original meaning of "goon" is "a stolid, dull, or stupid person," but it's the second meaning I'm interested in: "a person hired (esp. by racketeers) to terrorize workers; a thug." I've haven't done any racketeering lately, and I have no workers to terrorize, but what the heck, I could use a goon.
Like Philips screwdrivers, goons just make life easier.
If I had a goon, I would ask him to:
--Get me coffee
--Soften up my mortal enemies
--Torment a few relatives
--Lift heavy stuff
--Make the sushi place down the street open up
--"Negotiate" with some publishers
--Rip a phone book in half