fuckheaditude

noun. A state of being characterized by fuckheadedness.

Real citation: "Bob displayed his usual fuckheaditude when he forgot to pick up milk on the way home as his wife had asked."
(Paula Light, email message, Nov. 13, 2004)

Made-up citation: "Not every fuckhead has fuckheaditude, just as not every meathead has meat."

non-men-type-people

noun. Women.

Real citation: "The WaPo takes a look deep inside its own navel today, and apparently the non-white- and non-men-type-people over there are getting restless in the light of a promotion of some white dude to the vacant managing editor slot."
("WaPo: White People In Favor of Fewer Stories," Nov. 19, 2004, Wonkette,
http://www.wonkette.com/politics/media/index.php#wapo-white-people-in-favor-of-fewer-stories-026029)

Made-up citation: "According to George Carlin, all penis-possessors are stupid and all non-men-type-people are insane."

chest-thrusty

adj. Having a fully-extended, prominently-puffed-out mammary region.

Related terms: chesty, thrustage, chest-thrustage, boob-thrustage, hip-thrustage, pelvic-thrustage.

Real citation: "I am about ten years too old not to bristle when somebody calls me dude. I get all chest-thrusty to hint that "Hey, man, I'm a girl." In that context, man is gender neutral too."
(Maggie Balistrieri, "Sub: Dude," Nov. 8, 2004, Cafe Mo, http://cafemo.blogspot.com/2004/11/sub-dude.html)

Made-up citation: "If that asswipe gets all chest-thrusty about philosophy and fuck-all one more time, I am gonna kick him in the ding-ding."

senior exorcist

noun. An experienced exorcist who has administrative duties in addition to the daily routine of driving demons from their host bodies.

Real citation: "Fr Gabriel Amorth is the well respected senior exorcist of Rome."
("Catholic/ChurchAndSatanism," http://cygnus.homelinux.net:4242/Catholic/
ChurchAndSatanism)

Made-up citation: "If I don't make senior exorcist this year, I'm going to grad school."

pseudo-speedo

noun. A banana hammock that is bursting at the seams with swollen manhood, not integrity.

Real citation: "Even if you were never a regular of WWF's hour of sweaty, pseudo-Speedo bedecked male wrestlers, you probably knew the name: Hulk Hogan. Hogan, famous for wresting a scanty yellow tank top from his well built upper torso, later surprised many fans of the wrestling world by admitting he had taken steroids. Unfortunately, Hogan's use of these drugs is but one part of a growing trend found largely among men today to use testosterone or testosterone-related supplements for the purpose of improving athletic ability or physical appearance."
(Nina Cann-Woode, "INNOVATION: We'll make a man out of you - AndroGel cream revives steroid health concerns," The Stanford Daily, http://daily.stanford.edu/daily/servlet/tempo?page=content&id=1374&repository=0001_article)

Made-up citation: "Around these parts, Casual Friday is only a prelude to Pseudo-speedo Saturday."

bodily-fluids-imbibing

present participle. Slurping up of that yummy-yet-diverse wet stuff that comes out of people and other critters.

Real citation: "Those with input as the series closes down are most definitely boys. He's dispatched his werewolf girlfriend Nina (Jenny Mollen) on a jet plane and has turned to his own inner circle. Lorne, Gunn, Wes, and Spike ("I'm not wearing any amulets!") all join in with Angel's plan (and he does have one, despite his seeming corruption by absolute power these past few weeks), during a ritual agreement bit that closes the penultimate episode "Power Play" to fight the power, namely, the Circle of the Black Thorn, those grisly, extreme demons who do the Senior Partners' work on earth -- including those present as Angel's "initiation," the bodily-fluids-imbibing Vail (Dennis Christopher), pasty Archduke Sebassis (Leland Crooke), and slippery Senator Bruckner (Stacey Travis). "
(Cynthia Fuchs, "Forever," Reel Images Magazine, http://www.reelimagesmagazine.com/txt_reviews/reelreview_tv.htm)

Made-up citation: "Bodily-fluids-imbibing is a gross hobby, sure, but it can't be much worse than pea-soup-making."

patron anorexic cokehead twin

noun. A wispy, two-of-a-kind coke monkey that answers prayers for other wispy, two-of-a-kind coke monkeys.

Related terms: patron saint, patron disaster-twin, patron douchegirl, patron skank, primordial skank.

Real citation: "Saturday is officially the Best Day Ever In The History Of New York. Why? Obviously because that's when our patron anorexic cokehead twin, Mary-Kate Olsen, returns to our open arms and gets back to doing whatever it is she does here. Skipping classes and not eating, we think. Whatever, we're just SO HAPPY TO HAVE HER BACK."
("Mary-Kate Still Loves Us," Oct. 27, 2004, http://www.gawker.com/topic/marykate-still-loves-us-024325.php)

Made-up citation: "If you pray to America's patron anorexic cokehead twin, you'll get a bag of the good stuff and no sandwiches under your pillow."

laptoplessness

noun. A sad condition, with no laptops to be found.

Real citation: "I've just picked up one of these little Averatechs after many years of laptoplessness and several months of shopping around. My primary considerations: cheap, reasonably durable, and light/small. I mainly needed something for maximally-portable wireless ..."
(lossf, "A good inexpensive solution," Sept. 18, 2004, Epinions.com, http://www.epinions.com/pr-Averatec_3225HS_AMD_ATHLON_XPM-2000_40GB_512MB_DVD_CDRW_WL-G_12-XGA_XPH_av3225hs20_PC_Notebook/display_
~reviews/pp_~1/sort_~prdrt/sort_dir_~des/sec_~opinion_list)

Made-up citation: "Due to my laptoplessness, I am enjoying very little toplessness in the airport."

horrendo-mom

noun. A bad, bad mommy.

Real citation: "I can't tell where they're going with the Ava/Adrian thing. I'm not sure I want to know. Although I do agree that Ava's in a position to recognize another bad mother in Julia's horrendo-Mom. snarkella, I expect they learn the secret handshake at those Destructive Aggressive Mommies of the Nation Unite! meetings. "
(Sandman, Sept. 17, 2004, Television Without Pity, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=2864952&st=3960)

Made-up citation: "The screaming children on the airplane made me want to stick in fork in my eye, but I'd scream too if I had a horrendo-mom like that."

prolifera

noun. A proliferation; a plethora; a whole bunch of something.

Real citation: “Tulsa is a unique international community, with ethnic and national groups of Africans, Hispanics, Jews, Muslims, Native Americans and many others It's a great place for students who want to experience an array of sporting, entertainment, and cultural activities Photos on this page courtesy of Don Sibley The rolling hills of northeastern Oklahoma are considered a sportsman's paradise, where a prolifera of wild life abound From the Spring National NHRA Drag Racing finals at the Tulsa International Raceway, Western Athletic Conference basketball, football , and other sports, the Tulsa Zoo, Tulsa Ballet Theatre, Tulsa Philharmonic, Tulsa Opera, local museums, annual jazz festivals, Bell's Amusement Park and Tulsa area parks and recreation areas, there is always plenty for students to see and do.”
(“Spartan,” Jayde, http://dir.jayde.com/profile10023503-spartan.html)

Made-up citation: "Contrary to popular belief, prolifera is not a drug, and it will not help motivate your lethargic sperm."

lickable fragrance product

noun. A tasty, smelly, romantic, tongue-worthy, uh...product.

Real citation: “Though she doesn't really need to, Jessica Simpson is counting calories for her two latest projects. The singer introduced her new line of lickable fragrance products this week, and she's also become a workout fiend to prepare for her upcoming feature-film debut. At New York's Sephora on Tuesday, Simpson said that she co-created Taste, the latest offshoot of her Dessert body-care line, to smell and taste like her favourite smells of childhood - especially the cake batter in the kitchen that signalled something tasty and decadent was on the way. ”
(“Simpsons Launches Lickable Fragrances,” MYVe.com, Oct, 7, 2004, http://www.mtve.com/article.php?ArticleId=5019)

Made-up citation: “Schmoopy-poopy-woopy…your lickable fragrance product is so minty!”

spokes-fembot

noun. A female robot who speaks for other female robots.

Real citation: "Rice assured eager viewers every Parcells comeback game would be nationally televised. "Now that NFL Sunday Ticket is available on your PDA and can be beamed to the backs of the lens of your sunglasses," Rice said, "no one will miss a single second of Parcells grimacing on the sidelines or standing at midfield hugging someone he once stabbed in the back." A spokes-fembot for ABCCBSCNNCOMCASTNBCMSNBCFOX, which carries NFL games, predicted record ratings. "
(Gregg Easterbrook, “Tuesday Morning Quarterback,” Football Outsiders, November 18, 2003, http://www.footballoutsiders.com/ramblings.php?p=82&cat=7)

Made-up citation: "If you let your spokes-fembot be my girlfriend-bot, I'll let my howler monkey be your sex monkey."

Leprechaun liberals, Scrooge McDuck, and sexual-fuckin-intercourse

“Liberal” is almost as dirty a word as “poo-gobbler” these days. Upon receiving the liberal label, most politicians’ skin sizzles and smokes like they were hit with holy water. Two of the more popular terms are “limousine liberal” and “latte liberal,” which remind me very much of other alliterative gems like “lipstick lesbian” and “lipstick librarian.” Though limousine-less, I’m a pretty liberal guy myself, and I think my fellow commie pinkos and surrender monkeys deserve a few new names—here’s a start: liverwurst liberals, Led Zeppelin liberals, la-la land liberals, lustbunny liberals, lounge lizard liberals, liquid lunch liberals, liver-lifter liberals, leprechaun liberals, lobster-liberator liberals, love handle liberals, leprosy liberals, lunar probe liberals, luchadore liberals, latchkey liberals, low-bandwidth liberals, and llama-licking liberals.

On most subjects, I don’t know diddly-squat. On many subjects, I don’t know diddly-shit. On some subjects, I don’t even know diddly-fuck. However, on a subject or two, I do know diddly-poo.

My favorite primate is the bonobo, a species that consists of—how do I put this delicately?—sex maniacs. Bonobos will have sex not only at the drop of a hat, but at the sale of a hat, the sight of a hat, the tipping of a hat, and even the adjusting of a hat. They do it heterosexually, homosexually, incestuously, and quite religiously, using many positions that some thought were unique to us human sex monkeys. Anyway, in the book Tree of Origin, Francis de Waal notes how these simian sexcapades make it hard for the boy bonobos to know whose spawn is whose. Then de Waal wrote this sentence, which I kind of enjoyed: “Male bonobos are obviously not keeping records; they are merely attracted to large, pink genital swellings.” Aren’t we all… On a non-bonobo note, my second favorite sentence this week is a brave admission by Ralph Wiggum: “I want to be a triangle.” Don’t we all…

Because somebody has to, I’ve noticed a great type of word: words with tudes, and I mean that literally. In my in-progress Dictionary of Words That Don’t Belong in Dictionaries, I’ve already included great words like “agro-goofitude” and “jackassitude,” and there are plenty I’ve found that might make the cut later, such as “funkitude,” “punkitude,” “hunkitude,” “girlitude,” “womanitude,” “barfitude,” “lunchitude,” “pornitude,” “hornitude,” “hottitude,” “lustitude,” “skankitude,” “stankitude,” “crotchitude,” “crapitude,” “creepitude,” “boobitude,” “orgasmitude,” “assholitude,” “buttholitude,” “what-the-fuckitude,” and—finally, the lovely and talented—“cluster-fuckitude.”

If a nutjob gave a blow job to a whackjob, and then the whackjob gave a knob job to the nutjob, would the economy improve?

Though I like lame ducks, lucky ducks, rubber ducks, dead ducks, black-bellied whistling ducks, ugly ducklings, and Scrooge McDuck just fine, my favorite duck will always be Peking duck.

Here’s a question for the guys out there: Do you bash the bishop or bash the banana? Usually, my blue-veined custard-chucker feels like a long yellow fruit, but occasionally it does seem like more of a high-ranking official of the Catholic church.

In Bill Casselman’s Canadian Sayings, there are plenty of colorful expressions, but few so intriguing as “He’s so sneaky, I wouldn’t trust him in a shithouse with a knife and fork.” I think we all know a few people—or relatives—who fit this disgusting bill, and thanks to Casselman, we have a new (or possibly old) way to introduce them to prospective employers. This expression is ripe for alteration, as there are a lot of other objects that we probably wouldn’t trust such a person with in the little boys’ or girls’ room, such as: an egg-beater, a vegomatic, tongs, tweezers, pliers, a strainer, chopsticks, salt and pepper shakers, an eye-dropper, a plate, a hammer, and a spoon.

The words of the week:
10) Chowderheaded
9) Pish-posh
8) Winkie-wiggling
7) Lickspittle
6) Schnockered
5) Brouhaha
4) Hog-bosom
3) Pre-misinterpreted
2) Sexual-fuckin-intercourse
1) Nunliness

One of my favorite clichés is “spinning in your grave.” Maybe I have no respect for the dead, or maybe I just like things that spin (basketballs, tops, news stories, the little girl’s head in The Exorcist, etc.) a little too much, but I rather like the idea of the dearly departed having a post-mortem twirl. Sports announcers aren’t usually known for their creativity, but NBA studio commentator Charles Barkley has broken that stereotype by giving this already amusing expression a new, uh, spin: Sometime last year, after a spectacularly embarrassing Boston loss, Barkley insisted that Celtics (living) legends Larry Bird and Kevin McHale were spinning in their graves. On other nights, I’ve heard Barkley describe other pre-dead basketballers like Patrick Ewing and Julius Erving as doing similar post-life exercise routines. In the name of creativity and comedy, I think we should take a cue from Barkley and spread this broader and loonier usage like a VD. And if you don’t help me do so, I’ll be spinning in my grave all afternoon.

santorum-smudged

adj. Stained, soiled, smeared, or otherwise fouled by the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

Real citation: "Thank you for the perspective-inducing mental image, JM. You're right: American gays aren't swinging from the ends of ropes attached to cranes for wanting to have marital sex. As silver linings go, it's pretty thin, but I'm happy to have it.
I'm sorry to say, though, that you're going to read about politics in this week's column--but only because I'm running your letter, JM. And I'm only running it so that I can swear, on my santorum-smudged Bible, that I'm getting back to sex."
(Dan Savage, "Back to Sex," The Stranger, Nov. 18, 2004, http://www.thestranger.com/2004-11-18/savage.html)

Made-up citation: "Better a santorum-smudged sock than a syrup-smeared sweatshirt, as Mom used to say."

at the whim of a hat

idiom. At the drop of a hat.

Real citation: “Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
(George W. Bush, “Bushism of the Day,” Slate, Sept. 17, 2004, http://slate.msn.com/id/2106877/)

Made-up citation: "Fellow evil-doers, be ready to smite the money-humping freedom monkeys. Be ready at the whim of a hat!"

wackassitude

noun. A situation characterized (or infested) by a wanker/asswipe. Also: wackass, whackass, whackassness, assitude, jackassitude, assholitude, buttholitude

Real citation: "I was wondering if you knew a word for this type of person.... I recently walked in on a guy wacking off in a public bathroom...would you say he had, extreme wackassitude? "
(Karen Yacobucci, email message, Nov. 16, 2004)

Made-up citation: "How many of Shakespeare's sonnets rhyme 'jackassitude' and 'wackassitude?'"

he-slut

noun. A male ho-bag. Also: man-slut, boy-slut.

Real citation: "Carter plays a man cuckolded by the adorable he-slut Alfie, who steals Susan Sarandon out from under him. As close readers of this site's 'content' know, Carter's dealings with Hollywood have received much scrutiny this year. (You nailed a magazine editor for earning $100,000 from a movie studio, but you couldn't do anything about Dick Cheney's deferred Halliburton payments? Great job, journalists!) "
("What's It All About, Graydon? " Nov. 5, 2004, Gawker, http://www.gawker.com/topic/whats-it-all-about-graydon-025068.php)

Made-up citation: "There's a fine line between a mimbo and a he-slut. Well, not really."

dorkfuck

noun. A fucking dork; a freaking dork; a frigging dork; a goddamn dork.

Real citation: "On another note, I swear the law library is run by nazis. There has been some dorkfuck patrolling the area near where I am studying, thus preventing me from busting out my diet cola action. Its proabably all warm and nasty by now. Hope he is gone after I finish this message. "
(Thug, May 21, 2001, http://ninjabunny.org/cgi-bin/boardpower/misc.cgi?action=replyquote&forum=1&discussion=155&p=12)

Made-up citation: "Hey dorkfuck! Will you write me a letter of recommendation?"

the Rat gods

noun. Divine rodent-like beings of awesome power. Possibly not to be trusted.

Real citation: "Some people say that George Bush should be run down and sacrificed to the Rat gods. But not me. No. I say it would be a lot easier to just vote the bastard out of office on November 2nd."
(Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing, Campaign 2004," Rolling Stone, Issue 961, Nov. 11, 2004)

Made-up citation: "I am praying to the Rat gods that they smite down my sister's husband with extreme prejudice. And I don't mind if they leave marks."

absodiddly

adverb. 1. Absolutely. 2. Absolutely diddly-squat.

Related terms: absoschmuckinglutely, absogoddamnlutely, absofrikkinlutely, mur-diddly-urdler, dil-diddly-emma, diddlywhacker, son of a diddly, diddly-poo, cock-a-diddly-ding-dong-doo-doo.

Real citation: "From chrissy: Do you have any spoilers on Charmed's eppys to come?
Absodiddly. Coolio guest stars mid March as a demon who crashes Phoebe's wedding. (He loves those WB witches: He also guest starred on Sabrina.) And the wedding is a big ol' mess: The Source snatches Cole's body in an attempt to transform the ceremony into a demonic wedding, allowing their foretold son to become heir to the underworld. Coolio is a demon servant of the Source, whose job is to detain the girls...with pain."
("Watch with Wanda," Feb. 25. 2002, E! Online, http://www.eonline.com/Gossip/Wanda/Trans/Archive2002/
020225b.html)

Made-up citation: "Billy's done absodiddly nothing today, again--I think his ambition drowned in the bong water."