America’s Next Batman

With the end of the Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale Batman movies here, studio executives are already preparing for a reboot. These are some of the proposals that are being considered:

Bruce Wayne is destined to become Batman once his parents are killed, but why do they have to be murdered by a thug? Their murder should be more contemporary and relatable: peanut allergies. Instead of fighting crime, Batman will sternly admonish people who make fun of food allergies. The villain could be Mr. Peanut.

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Bruce Wayne is a ladies’ man, yet Batman has never really appealed to women viewers. So let’s cast TV’s McDreamy as Batman and Katherine Heigl as a Katherine Heigl-type love interest.

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The religious crowd tends to feel excluded by superhero movies, which seem to exist in a godless, immoral, spandex-clad hellscape. Let’s remedy that with Batman: The Blue Angel. In this origin story, Batman’s parents will be saved by Bibles in their pockets. It would be really fun to see what Batman does during the Rapture.

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Can we get Batman into The Avengers?

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It’s been a long time since the humorous Batman of the sixties, so America is probably ready for a new, fresh, hilarious spin on the dark knight. With Judd Apatow at the helm and Will Ferrell under the cape, this Batman will foil crime and frowns. The movie would include the first ever nude scene of Batman, as well as Batman going through a classic Aptowian journey: Batman eventually saves the day when he learns to grow up and stop hanging around the Batcave smoking pot all day like a loser.

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Tyler Perry Presents Batman.

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The Tyler Perry of every other ethnic group presents Batman.

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Why does Batman have to be a man—or human—at all? Batdog: The Dark Poodle will combine traditional superhero fare with heartwarming stories like Marley and Me. We can keep most elements of the story. For example, Alfred will be Batman’s owner who gives him treats after successful crime-fighting. The villains will be the corrupt owners of a puppy mill and Mitt Romney.

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Superhero movies usually avoid politics, but many of our investors would love to see Bruce Wayne support tax cuts for the rich. If he could beat up a liberal President, bonus.

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Since everyone thinks TV is so great these days, what if the thug who kills Batman’s parents is a TV showrunner? Then Batman spends the movie beating up TV writers, pretentious critics, and people who don’t buy popcorn.