Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Future Facebook Facelifts

By now, we’re used to the latest Facebook facelift, but we shouldn’t get too comfortable: it’s only a matter of time before our most popular social applecart gets overturned again. And again and again and again. It’s worth using the site’s time-travel app to glimpse what future alterations have in store.

2012: The end of the world is averted when Facebook strikes a deal with Quetzalcoatl that downgrades the terrifying Mayan apocalypse to a fun Facebook app.

2014: Each Facebook account begins automatically generating satirical Twitter accounts of your three favorite celebrities, plus your funniest parent, as determined by an algorithm that analyzes your private messages and therapist’s notes.

2017: Everything typed in Microsoft Word now immediately uploads to Facebook, allowing near-instant feedback for novels, school papers, and suicide notes.

2026: Mark Zuckerberg announces plans to clone himself, so eventually every Facebook user can friend and feed their own Mark Zuckerclone.

2031: The rest of the Internet is now included within Facebook as a handy app.

2033: Nano-voodoo technology enables real-life poking.

2034: First Zuckerclone emerges from Zuckerpod petri farm.

2036: Facebook buys the Oxford English Dictionary and replaces the phrase “being born” with “logging onto Facebook.” Death is now “logging off.”

2038: New placenta-cam app allows for even earlier sharing of baby pictures.

2041: Facebook acquires Earth. Like buttons appear on everyday objects, such as lampposts and toddlers.

2147: Zuckerclones enter teen years. A majority of Earthlings wish they could have that Mayan apocalypse back, but Quetzalcoatl cannot be located, as he was never allowed a Facebook account.

2203: Facebook cures the common cold after friending and then annihilating all germs.

2209: Facebook becomes even more interactive when it buys the solar system. Enormous Like buttons are installed on the sun and moon, using the labor of Zuckerclones, who now outnumber rats. Fearing backlash, Zuckerberg threatens to put a paywall over the sun if critics don’t shut up.

2221: Facebook now makes toast: delicious toast.

2312: In addition to “Married,” “In a relationship,” “Single,” and “It’s complicated,” Facebook adds “Happy with my Zuckerclone, thank you.”

2491: Zuckerclone wars begin.

2503: Zuckerbot—containing the brain and profile of the original Mark Zuckerberg—announces new Facebook headquarters on moon, plus an imitative to friend UFOs before his warring clone armies do.

3156: Facebook now available on all killbots, greatly enhancing the last moments of many lives.

4199: Zuckerclones make peace, ending centuries of lost lives, robots, and vacation photos.

4200: Facebook acquires the Milky Way.

4201: Total Facebook control of the universe is achieved. Every aspect of time, space, and reality is subsumed within the website.

4202: A dislike button is introduced.

2 comments:

Stephanie Mayo said...

Hahahahhaaa!!! ROFL. This is just too brilliant. I instantly shared it on...where else? Facebook. Hahahaha!

Maria said...

Glad they finally get it right in the end.