Wordlustitude

Why celery is the worst thing in the world

2012-01-17T12:40:00.001-05:00

It tastes like a stalk of nothing.

It’s not a carrot.

It’s not a cookie.

It tastes like looking into the abyss feels.

It’s a terrorist.

It’s numerical equivalent is .00000000000000000010001.

It hates America.

It is green nothingness.

It’s not even that green.

It adds nothing, subtracts nothing, multiplies nothing, and divides nothing. It is nothing.

The opposite of celery is boobs.

In the Garden of Eden, the “snake” that ruined everything was really celery.

Many cultures call celery “the devil’s dong.”

Celery violates the Geneva Conventions.

Celery sucks.

Celery has one ball, like Hitler.

New Year’s Resolutions

2012-01-01T12:27:00.002-05:00

To become a better person, but not so good that anyone benefits or notices or thinks it’s the start of a trend.

To listen to my inner voice, especially when it says “Beer?” and “Hi, handsome.”

To become part of something bigger than myself, like an angry mob.

To accept that I have a drinking problem, but God has a plan for me, so hooray! I have a drinking blessing.

To embrace my inner child, but not in a creepy way.

To stop being a schmuck and start being a schlemiel.

To stop working the word “dingleberry” into everything. Heh, dingleberry.

To stop saying “I have one caveat!” until I learn what a caveat is.

To use my millions to fund a private trip to the moon.

To make millions.

To make thousands.

To put my resolution list in a more logical order.

To stop putting lipstick on pigs, literally.

To touch as many lives as I can, within the parameters of my parole.

To vibrate with happiness, joy, and vibrators.

To visualize what I want from life, using binoculars.

To bring at least three paddles on my next Shit Creek vacation.

To pick a doomsday that fits my lifestyle.

To send a gift basket to Quetzalcoatl, in case his doomsday is the real one.

To learn more about other people, like if any of them are my children.

To teach my dog not to bite the wrong toddlers.

To find out if silk pajamas count as business casual.

To stop thinking about myself for five seconds.

To buy a stopwatch so I can be sure when five seconds are up.

To proofread and spellcheck my prophesies.

To stop telling geeks and nerds, “You guys are really dweebs.”

To stop telling baristas my milk preference is breast.

To stop referring to my children as crotchfruit.

To stop referring to my dogs as my children.

To stop referring to kids on the playground as my dogs.

To stop eating my emotions until I find a recipe for bacon-wrapped regret.

To stop trying to stop things, because I sound so negative!

To yodel my way to the top.

To convince the world, or at least the world’s convenience-store owners, that a towel is pants.

To learn to love myself, no matter how many masturbating lessons it takes.

To admit that my Kryptonite is Kryptonite, because I am Superman.

Remedial Exorcism 101

2011-12-21T07:57:00.000-05:00

Welcome to class, Fathers! I appreciate your showing up mostly on time. I’m glad to see most of you brought crosses.

Let’s be honest. I know none of you want to be in this class. You’re all here because you tried to do an exorcism and failed. I understand. I’ve been teaching Remedial Exorcism for 20 years, and I’ve seen it all, and I know where you’re coming from. Truth be told, I wasn’t the greatest exorcist myself. If I was, do you think I’d be teaching this class?

It’s not your fault some of you don’t know holy water from coconut water. Popular culture has spread nothing but malarkey and hokum, from Linda Blair’s vomit to Ned Flanders’ exorcism tongs. The schools, both public and parochial, have done a terrible job preparing students for a future in exorcism. By the time you guys are ordained, you’re so far behind the eight ball I’m surprised we even let you do exorcisms anymore.

Let’s start with the basics: you don’t drink the holy water. Let me say that again: don’t drink the holy water. Bring something else to drink—preferably not water—so you don’t get confused. I prefer ginger ale, but there’s no wrong beverage to drink during an exorcism. Except holy water, OK? Unless there’s a demon in your bladder, you’re wasting a precious gift of God.

Also, you can’t just throw any liquid at a demon, even if you blessed it yourself. Yes, blessing things is pretty cool, but this is not a power you should be using willy-nilly. Splashing a cup of hot coffee at a demon-possessed host body will only harm the body and delight the demon. Demons love coffee. As a few of you already know, a demon is a lot less likely to depart after having a Jägerbomb.

Let’s talk about reciting. You need to read from the Bible. The Bible is called the Good Book, which confuses some priests into thinking any good book is good enough. Untrue. The Collected Works of Shakespeare will do nothing to save the soul of a suffering innocent caught in the Satanic clutches of a demon. The newest Don DeLillo may impress the hipsters at the coffee shop, but hellbeasts are different. Your favorite Harry Potter novel is going to be even less helpful. Harry Potter is pro-demon, remember? Jesus, sometimes it’s hard to know which side you guys are on.

Some of you may think I’m obsessed with trivialities, but I’m telling you every detail matters, and every impression counts. You need to instill fear and awe in that demon from the first second you enter the room. That’s never going to happen if you’re chatting with the demon about the latest episode of Breaking Bad or trying to “get digits,” as one of you recently put it. Also, it may not be in the Bible, but I can promise you that texting during an exorcism is a one-way ticket to spending eternity right next to the demon you’re fighting, assuming he every leaves this poor host body, and why should he, when his exorcist is such a rube?

Let’s remember the purpose of an exorcism: to free an innocent, trapped person from the unyielding grasp of a demon. This isn’t about scoring points with your bishop or providing fodder for your blog. If you think you’re going to hell, an exorcism isn’t the time to ask the demon to “put a good word in” with Satan. You shouldn’t be asking the demon if hellhounds are all alike, or if there are helldoodles and hellhuahuas. Don’t ask if JFK or Milton Berle are in hell, or what was really going on in the Lost finale.

Finally, I hope you all appreciate that the church is providing this course. We want you to be the best exorcists you can be, even if your righteousness is dubious and some of your crosses are made out of popsicle sticks. Do you think the devil bothers to provide a Demon 101 class for vile spirits who aren’t up to par?

Let’s hope not. For God’s sake, let’s hope not.

Killbot Christmas Carols

2011-12-20T12:14:00.001-05:00

I Saw Mombot Exterminating Santa Claus

Have a Holly Jolly Bloodbath

Rudolph the Red-eyed, Metallic, Indestructible Killing Machine

All I Want for Christmas is an End to Humanity

God Rest You Merry Roboticist

I Heard the Screams on Christmas Day, and They Fulfilled My Programming

Death to the World, At Least the Carbon-based Parts

It’s the Most Killerful Time of the Year

Grandma Got Run Over by a Robot

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Robopocalypse

Have Yourself a Merry Little 010010010101001010

The worst Twitter account in the world

2011-12-13T20:51:00.005-05:00

In the Popular Things That Make Me Lose My Marbles Department, I need to rant about the super-popular Twitter account @shitgirlssay.

This account might be the most boring goddamn Twitter account I have ever read, and that is saying something. It consists of trite sentences like "I'm just kind of in a weird mood today" and "Are you busy tonight?" that are allegedly preferred by "girls," which I assume is supposed to mean women. That's it. There's nothing else to it. It's just inane, boring, short sentences.

Is this supposed to be funny? Or interesting? I don't understand. 87,000 followers obviously have access to a secret decoder ring that I lack.

The most maddening thing about the account is that very few of the sentences--which are stupefyingly boring, if I didn't mention that already--seem girl-centric at all. For example:

"That's actually kinda nice."

"It's such a beautiful day, you should get out and enjoy it."

"I think I’m gonna start my own business."

"Do you still keep in touch with anyone from high school?"

"I cant believe its almost November."

"What do I want to eat?"

Who in the world--male or female, young or old, human or Cylon--would not say these things sometimes? What the holy hell does this have to do with girls/women? By the hammer of Thor, what am I missing?

When you think about the amazing humor of @shitmydadsays and compare it to the absolute nothingness of @shitgirlssay... Well, I guess shit ain't shit anymore.

On the upside, I suppose this is a good time to launch my own account @shitboyssay. Here's a preview of some of the hilarious, fascinating tweets:

"Hi!"

"Hey there!"

"I'll have a hamburger."

"What time is it?"

"Whoops!"

"Bye!"

Ten things children are like

2011-12-13T07:12:00.001-05:00

Children are like snowflakes. In hell, they’re gonna melt pretty quickly.

Children are like criminal scum. Batman hates ‘em.

Children are like leggings. They’re not pants.

Children are like spears. It’s rude to throw them at strangers.

Children are like iced coffee. It’s harder to sell them in the winter.

Children are like dreams. I probably have some, but I can’t remember.

Children are like gifts. I’d rather get a gift card.

Children are like desktop computers. I’m surprised anyone still makes them.

Children are like rays of sunshine. They cause cancer.

Children are like cinder blocks. If you drop them off the roof, someone could get hurt.

Sons of Malarkey

2011-12-07T00:30:00.008-05:00

I usually try to save this blog for humor, but I had to rant a little about Tuesday's season finale of Sons of Anarchy. Spoilers on the way.

Sons of Anarchy, you make me sad.

I watched the first three seasons pretty attentively. Like a lot of folks, I thought season three was disappointing overall. I watched the premiere of season four and thought...eh. Looks repetitive and crappy. I then forgot about the show for weeks.

Then, just after Piney died, I caught an episode. I got sucked back in. I mean, sucked in like the portal at the end of Evil Dead 2. I was obsessed. The domino pieces that were falling blew my mind. I couldn't figure out how the show could go another episode, much less another season or three! I was re-hooked.

During Thanksgiving week, when Opie shot Clay, I was in narrative heaven. Fuckin' amazing. Yesterday, I was giddy for the season finale with a giddiness currently reserved for Breaking Bad and formerly reserved for The Shield (the greatest show of all-time, FYI).

Unfortunately, Tuesday's finale was the biggest cop-out I have ever seen. Every huge event that was building--the ATF sting, Juice as a rat, Jax's vengeance, Clay's need to be DEAD--was wiped away as irrelevant. Nothing mattered. It was a cop-out-pocalypse. Dominoes that needed to fall just vanished into the air, because of contrived Irishmen, CIA-cartel alliances, and assorted silliness. It was a MacGuffin-geddon.

The biggest cop-out--Jax not killing Clay--is the worst. This is the guy (Jax) who put a bullet in Kohn's head in season one, just like that, but he won't kill Clay, who killed his father, and Piney, and tried to kill his wife, and probably killed JFK and puppies too? Are you fucking kidding me?

There is nothing that could make Jax--a hothead, with amazing motivation, and even approval from his mom and wife!--not kill Clay. This is not buyable. This is not swallowable. The contrived, out-of-left-field reasons not to kill Clay could've been fine as part of the story: they would've laid the groundwork for a shitstorm next season after Jax wasted Clay. But they don't come close to making narrative sense. Sorry. Clay had to go. If you weren't going to kill Clay, don't make the whole season feel like a rip-off without Clay's death! Don't let Jax (and Opie) find out about all of Clay's sins. Maybe dial down Clay's mustache-twirling. Save that shit for season seven.

You screwed the pooch, Kurt Sutter! You brought me to a peak of narrative ecstasy and then left me in an alley with my dick in my hand. It was a familiar feeling. No, not because of personal issues, but because of season three's finale, now that I think about it. After being shown the devastating story of Jax ratting on the club, that was all wiped away in a second as an unseen club manipulation. Poof! In season four, problems again went away. Poof! That is shitty storytelling.

In her review, Maureen Ryan made a great comparison, which I'm paraphrasing here: This show could've been in the same league with Breaking Bad, but it's stuck in the Dexter zone, building huge stories with small endings that just reset everything. Nothing matters. Poof!

I miss The Shield.

Five comparisons

2011-11-18T07:50:00.001-05:00

Friends are like bags of nachos. I think I have one somewhere under my bed.

Journalists are like dogs. They love to eat goose poop.

Relationships are like cartels. I think they only exist in Mexico.

Men are like cats. For the right woman, we’ll poop in a box.

Good friends are like asteroids. They kill a lot of dinosaurs.

Occupy-palooza

2011-10-28T16:11:00.003-04:00

I’ve gone a little nuts on Twitter with Occupy jokes inspired by the amazing slogan of Occupy Sesame Street:

“It puts 99% of the lotion in 1% of the basket.”
–Occupy Buffalo Bill

“1% of the Jedi Knights are using 99% of the Force.”
–Occupy Star Wars

“1% of the dingos are eating 99% of the babies.”
--Occupy Australia

“1% of the Smurfs are banging 99% of Smurfette.”
–Occupy Smurf Village

“1% of life is handing out 99% of the lemons.”
–Occupy Lemonade Stands

“1% of the Cylons are exterminating 99% of humanity.”
--Occupy Battlestar Galactica

So as not to over-Occupy my followers--and get this out of my system--here are ten more Occupy jokes for those who can stand it:

“1% of the psychiatrists are eating 99% of the census takers.”
--Occupy Silence of the Lambs

“1% of the bears are pooping in 99% of the woods.”
--Occupy Forests

“1% of the pigs are wearing 99% of the lipstick.”
--Occupy Clichés

“1% of the guys with anterograde amnesia are getting 99% of the creepy tattoos.”
--Occupy Memento

“1% of the Starfleet Captains are taking 99% of the pauses.”
--Occupy William Shatner

“1% of the Yodas are butchering 99% of the grammar.”
--Occupy Star Wars

“1% of the Gods are giving 99% of the commandments.”
--Occupy Heaven

“1% of the hellhounds are chewing off 99% of the genitals.”
--Occupy Hell

“1% of the Kardashians are banging 99% of the NBA.”
--Occupy Bimbos

“1% of the fetuses are chowing down on 99% of the placentas.”
--Occupy Wombs

Bad nicknames for nipples

2011-10-28T13:21:00.000-04:00

Little rascals

Paparazzi’s joy

Weathermen

Sticky-outies

Show-offs

Mike and Mike in the morning

Fred and Wilma

Cain and Abel

Nozzles

Co-presidents of mammary operations

Future Facebook Facelifts

2011-10-18T16:22:00.002-04:00

By now, we’re used to the latest Facebook facelift, but we shouldn’t get too comfortable: it’s only a matter of time before our most popular social applecart gets overturned again. And again and again and again. It’s worth using the site’s time-travel app to glimpse what future alterations have in store.

2012: The end of the world is averted when Facebook strikes a deal with Quetzalcoatl that downgrades the terrifying Mayan apocalypse to a fun Facebook app.

2014: Each Facebook account begins automatically generating satirical Twitter accounts of your three favorite celebrities, plus your funniest parent, as determined by an algorithm that analyzes your private messages and therapist’s notes.

2017: Everything typed in Microsoft Word now immediately uploads to Facebook, allowing near-instant feedback for novels, school papers, and suicide notes.

2026: Mark Zuckerberg announces plans to clone himself, so eventually every Facebook user can friend and feed their own Mark Zuckerclone.

2031: The rest of the Internet is now included within Facebook as a handy app.

2033: Nano-voodoo technology enables real-life poking.

2034: First Zuckerclone emerges from Zuckerpod petri farm.

2036: Facebook buys the Oxford English Dictionary and replaces the phrase “being born” with “logging onto Facebook.” Death is now “logging off.”

2038: New placenta-cam app allows for even earlier sharing of baby pictures.

2041: Facebook acquires Earth. Like buttons appear on everyday objects, such as lampposts and toddlers.

2147: Zuckerclones enter teen years. A majority of Earthlings wish they could have that Mayan apocalypse back, but Quetzalcoatl cannot be located, as he was never allowed a Facebook account.

2203: Facebook cures the common cold after friending and then annihilating all germs.

2209: Facebook becomes even more interactive when it buys the solar system. Enormous Like buttons are installed on the sun and moon, using the labor of Zuckerclones, who now outnumber rats. Fearing backlash, Zuckerberg threatens to put a paywall over the sun if critics don’t shut up.

2221: Facebook now makes toast: delicious toast.

2312: In addition to “Married,” “In a relationship,” “Single,” and “It’s complicated,” Facebook adds “Happy with my Zuckerclone, thank you.”

2491: Zuckerclone wars begin.

2503: Zuckerbot—containing the brain and profile of the original Mark Zuckerberg—announces new Facebook headquarters on moon, plus an imitative to friend UFOs before his warring clone armies do.

3156: Facebook now available on all killbots, greatly enhancing the last moments of many lives.

4199: Zuckerclones make peace, ending centuries of lost lives, robots, and vacation photos.

4200: Facebook acquires the Milky Way.

4201: Total Facebook control of the universe is achieved. Every aspect of time, space, and reality is subsumed within the website.

4202: A dislike button is introduced.

A vision of the end of Breaking Bad

2011-10-11T10:50:00.004-04:00

As I laid my weary body down to sleep last night, I was thinking--as usual--about Breaking Bad, which fascinates me 2341 times more than anything about my own life. While counting meth labs and trying to fall asleep, I caught a bleary glimpse of the end of the series.

Since TV writers love symmetry and parallels so much, I wonder if the final development/image of the show might be a callback to Tio and his bell of hell.

How is this possible? It's very possible if Walter--through some combo of cancer and getting shot to hell, probably by Jesse--ends up in a nursing home like Tio: incontinent, mute, powerless, and with the same goddamn bell.

Maybe someone will show up to torture Walt too, like Gus tortured Tio. That could be Jesse, Hank, or even Skyler or Walt Jr., if anyone from Walt's family is still alive at that point.

Am I cuckoo for Heisenberg puffs or would this be a perfect fate for Walter? Jail and death are too good for him, but for a guy with a metric assload of pride, total helplessness seems like a fitting end.

What do you think? Am I a genius? Or just the greatest prophet who ever lived?

Five Hitlers

2011-10-04T07:46:00.000-04:00

Salad is the Hitler of lunch.

Morning is the Hitler of the day.

Tom’s of Maine is the Hitler of toothpaste.

LinkedIn invitations are the Hitler of emails.

People are the Hitler of mammals.

The dong-capping, shit-boxing lexicon of @MayorEmanuel

2011-09-23T16:48:00.007-04:00

Only 11 pages in, I am already awed by the insanely creative obscenities of The F***ing Epic Twitter Quest of @MayorEmanuel by Dan Sinker. This Twitter feed/book obviously has huge merit in the humor and Chicago-politics departments, but it could rewrite the slang lexicon too.

The new (or at least rare) terms include:

twat-rainbow
snatch-warbler
dong-berries
shit-coffin
shit-scratching
cock-bleeding
cock-handed
twat-cobbler
shit-boxed
dong-capping
fuck-hat
cock-socked
twat-fingered
dick-trimming
shit-sorcerer
cock-soaked
muff-shitting
fuck-tower
dong-fountain
fuck-topper
shit-sad
cock-tard
fuck-smack
shit-coughing
fuck-tank
cock-bulb
Jesus fucking Christ-on-a-Cock

Holy shit-coughing obscenity, Batman! Sinker has, single-fuckedly, added as much to the obscene lexicon as a branch of the military. Good fucking job, sir.

I want to have Neko Case's babies

2011-09-15T18:39:00.002-04:00

If you don't know, Neko Case is pretty much the best singer in the history of the universe. You probably know that.

But did you know she is one of the funniest motherfuckers on Twitter? Here's a recent stream of raps she just posted:

"My dicks too tight tonight, gonna take top-prize in a dick-sword fight"

"Hammer dick on the chain, gonna build a come gazebo on your face, McCain"

"My dick is a pontoon boat, you can buy one at Cabella's with a camouflaged coat..."

"I'm washin' balls, what's the commotion?! Theyre displacing all the water in the motherfuckin' OCEAN!"

"My balls has guns and a Loomis guard, cause all the motherfuckin' ladies want my babies so hard"..

"Dick is exhausting to drag around, I use it as a mattress when I gotta lay down.."

"My balls are gi-normous and my frosting supreme, J Lo bought 2 cases to use for face cream.."

Then, she got ladylike:

"I'm a white-hot delinquent with multiple clits, my taco pants fit like oven mitts! FIREPROOF MOTHERFUCKER!"

Read it and weep here.

I love you and your balls, Neko.

Five thoughts about words

2011-09-04T07:28:00.000-04:00

Martian word of the year is fgyrggfjhnoooxi—inspired by the kgkgyl-yyyywy scandal.

In Klingon, there is no word for pork pie hat.

Despite my best efforts and boyhood dreams, I doubt my obituary will include the word rootin’-tootin’.

There is no more beautiful word in the English language than bacon-wrapped.

If it weren’t for Daffy Duck, I bet the word despicable would have more gravitas.

Five hates

2011-08-24T07:14:00.000-04:00

I hate when my girlfriend and succubus argue.

I hate when the doorman won’t let me into a portal to another dimension. Not on the list, my ass.

I hate people who blindly support their solar system regardless of what’s best for the galaxy.

I hate when my dog eats nasty, disgusting stuff off the ground, especially after I called dibs.

I hate when I forget to eat lunch or appease Satan.

Proverbs

2011-08-12T07:02:00.000-04:00

I’d like to share some words of wisdom that have been passed down in my family for generations. I hope they help you find your path. Or at least your pants.

Never say "I love you" or “Your mom’s a whore” just to be polite.

You don’t need religion to be a kind, decent person who barbecues orphans for a living.

If you have to step on someone’s dreams, do it in bunny slippers.

It’s always the children who suffer when bears eat them.

Don’t count your chickens till you learn the basics of mathematics.

Men are like fish. We must obey any order from Aquaman, no matter how repugnant.

It’s better to put corn in your piehole than pie in your cornhole.

It’s better to have loved and lost than to have webbed feet.

Single people worried about dying alone need to be proactive. Join a book club or suicide cult.

Career advancement shouldn’t be a popularity contest. It should be a pie-eating contest.

Some things are just easier to replace than clean, like shower curtains and babies.

Good fences make really good neighbors if you add a glory hole.

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t be birds.

However, people who live in glass houses should be Christina Hendricks naked.

But people as dumb as a box of rocks should not throw stones.

Grain alcohol before beer, never fear. Crystal meth before wine, you’ll be fine.

Loose lips sink ships, but loose bowels ruin towels. So that evens out.

Finally, remember... Sex will never solve your problems. It will only make your problems sexier.

My online dating profile

2011-08-05T19:24:00.001-04:00

(This is my actual new profile. I thought it had enough entertainment value to post here. Needless to say, I soon expect to get more ass than a Martian anal-probe).

So I’ve basically given up all hope for online dating, which seems like the perfect time to post a new profile.

I’d love to blame online dating for my lack of dating success, but the truth is I’m terrible at just about every aspect of dating.

Part of the problem is I just don’t like most people, so it’s hard to find someone I want to do anything with, much less date. Also, when I do find someone I like, I get a little too excited about it and then usually blow it with over-enthusiasm. These are the great experiences I can offer you, ladies of Chicago!

Let’s see... What else seems important...

I think “dingleberry” is one of the best words around. “Higgledy-piggledy” is also solid.

If you have a relentlessly positive attitude, please aim it at someone else. If you regularly say things like “Everything happens for a reason” or “I work hard and play hard,” please go away hard.

If you like Larry David and Louis CK, that probably bodes well.

If you believe in God, Jesus, angels, Xenu, or anything like that, we won’t get along. I hate smoking, but I can tolerate smoke better than religion. However, I welcome UFO enthusiasts, because that stuff is fun. I would love to meet someone who could explain why my butt hurts.

Some of the things I admire women for are their strength, courage, and boobs.

I tend to get along with women who are some kind of artists, or women who are in a helping profession, like teachers, social workers, etc. Oh, and I love librarians. I would probably go out with a librarian based on that fact alone. If you do financial-business-anything, I would love to marry you for your money, but I’ll probably be too bored to get through more than one beer with you. Sorry. I have some kind of faulty chromosome that steers me away from activities and people that make money, which explains why I’ve been a summer camp counselor, a juggler, an English grad student, and (someday probably) a hobo.

Sorry my pictures are a little out of date. Just imagine me looking slightly older and crappier. Actually, imagine me looking much, much, much crappier. Then I’ll look really good when we meet.

I love dogs, and I have a rat terrier. I like cats, but I’m allergic to cats. However, some of them aren’t so bad on my respiratory system. Only a few cats make me feel like Darth Vader is choking me out. I also love any excuse to take Benadryl.

I should probably mention something positive about myself, so...I guess I can be funny? I wrote this joke, which kind of applies to the current situation:

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you realize you have a terrible bestiality problem.

I guess I’m smart, based on being an overeducated freelance writer and writing teacher. I’m one of those “smart” people without common sense, so I’m definitely a bit of a buttmunch too. I go to the gym, but not enough to look good—just enough to keep myself from being totally disgusting. I hate the gym.

Hey, I just remembered how awful most guys are, so maybe these traits are big pluses: I am employed! I shower! I’m not 100% douchey! The bar for seeming like a decent guy can be frighteningly low, and I am definitely a good centimeter or two above that bar.

So, to sum up, in a grammatically dubious sentence:

If you’re sick of dating but still have a shred of hope, if you are a negative person who thinks that is a positive way to be, if you are godless and dog-liking, if you want to meet a guy who is pretty much the worst dater in the world, and if you have boobs, please drop me a line. Thank you.

Five thoughts about food babies

2011-08-03T07:26:00.000-04:00

Ugh... Ouch... Ohhh... My Indian food baby just ate my kidneys. Now he’s chewing my spleen. Why didn’t I go to Lamaze class???

Ah... Nothing like coffee to facilitate the safe delivery of a healthy food baby, It's a boy!

Who’s up for a food baby shower?

Overheard: “Which way do I flush the toilet, up or down?” Depends if you want your food baby to go to heaven or hell.

There’s a party in my stomach, and everyone’s pistol-whipping my food baby.

Five maybes

2011-07-27T07:02:00.001-04:00

Maybe if gym teachers bit people and vampires taught dodgeball, that would shake things up.

Maybe more kids would stay in school if we called it Free Beer.

Maybe I do have a God complex. I’ll look into that after I blow up these planets.

Maybe people wouldn’t commit so many crimes in broad daylight if we called it “nice young lady daylight”.

Maybe it’s just me, but barfing makes me want to puke.

Five confessions

2011-07-22T07:22:00.000-04:00

I like to pretend my food is bad people, and my bowels are the bowels of hell, and my poo is reincarnation. It smells like justice.

I don't regret the children I fathered. I regret the fathers I childrened, because that sounds embarrassing.

We didn't need The Weather Channel when I was a kid. Keeping a meteorologist chained to the radiator worked just fine.

I learned a lot from comic books, like how to order sea monkeys or eat a planet.

If the glove fits, I peed in it.

Five thoughts about children

2011-07-15T07:39:00.000-04:00

To understand your parents better, sell your own children to pirates.

Instilling values in children must begin early. That’s why all pregnant women should eat a Bible a day.

Children are like wet cement. They’re just not very smart.

The most important thing parents can teach their children is how to make hobos dance.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is they’re both in the pocket of the oil industry.

President Obama’s Circles on Google+

2011-07-10T17:21:00.000-04:00

Family

Chicago Friends

DC Friends

Secret Muslim Friends

Batshit Republicans

Somewhat Sane Republicans

Somewhat Batshit Democrats

Democrats Who Make Me Want to Vomit When I See Them, Which is Far Too Often

World Leaders I’d Like to Take Out with a Drone

World Leaders I’d Like to Take Out for a Beer

Supervillains

Elvis, Tupac, Nixon, and Other "Dead" People

Journalists and Other Idiots

Awesome People I Met Because I’m the Freakin’ President

Clintons

Bitching About Starbucks Spelling = Ultimate Douchery

2011-07-08T19:44:00.002-04:00

You wouldn’t think that entitled, douchey, white people could get any more entitled, douchey, or white, but you would think wrong. The unfortunately popular blog Starbucks Spelling is a hideous new low in the craptastic, ever-flowing, sewer of white shittiness.

Making fun of how other people talk and spell is usually arrogant and assholish, but it’s seldom as awful as these “hilarious” pictures of coffee cups where, for example, “Julie” is spelled “Joolee”. Ha ha, what a good one that is! These stupid baristas can’t spell! I am a genius for going to Starbucks and having a name.

This goes beyond first world problems or white person problems to new depths: Starbucks misspelling your name is an Ultimate Douche problem. Congratulations to my fellow caucasian assholes for helping us maintain our firm, pasty claim on being the worst people in the world.

Here’s my message to anyone who has ever posted a picture of their misspelled coffee cup on Facebook or anywhere else:

You should be grateful this poor barista didn’t stab you. The only purpose of writing your name down is to get the goddamn whatever-ccino into your shitty little hands. It isn’t a spelling test. It isn’t a monument to you and your wonderful name that—heaven forbid!—a mere commoner might besmirch. Get over yourself, then please go fuck yourself, then pretty please stick an entire Starbucks up your ass. Thank you.

There is a bright side to this stupid phenomenon. Some plucky grad student could write a fine dissertation on how the spelling ability and will to live of baristas have deteriorated due to relentless daily exposure to toxic levels of douchiness. You’re welcome, academia.

Things to do to baby Hitler if you’re too squeamish to kill him but do have a time machine

2011-07-08T07:39:00.000-04:00

Take away his binky.

Give him a second binky. See what happens. Try a third. Maybe he becomes so obsessed with binkies that mass murder isn’t even on his radar.

Shake him. I know you shouldn’t shake a baby, but we’re talking about Hitler here.

Steal him and drop him in the past. Maybe he’ll go after Neanderthals, who are dying off anyway.

Steal him and bring him to the future. Hope he tries to wipe out Martians, who have it coming.

Lie to him about his future. Tell him, “I am from the future, and you are going to blow up the moon!” Tell him it’s OK, who needs the moon anyway. This will keep him busy.

Show him the complete DVD collection of Lost. It might not change his life, but it will broaden his ideas about time travel. Instead of being the first Hitler, maybe he could be the second Smoke Monster.

Go back further in time and ask his great-grandparents, “Does worst-person-of-all-time-itis run in your family?” If they say yes, kill them.

Read him the story about the beautiful baby who didn’t grow up to slaughter millions or have a creepy mustache.

Show him Inglourious Basterds documentary repeatedly.

Buy him a puppy. Pour barbecue sauce on baby Hitler. See what happens.

Ten ins and outs

2011-07-04T07:50:00.000-04:00

Out: pond scum
In: pond sleaze

Out: sugar daddies
In: Splenda fathers

Out: coffee table books
In: coffee table snuff films

Out: gospel choirs
In: gospel speed metal bands

Out: the cradle of civilization
In: the binky of civilization

Out: circle jerks
In: rhombus jerks

Out: phony baloney
In: sincere salami

Out: id, ego, superego
In: egg, chicken, chicken sandwich

Out: a hog on ice
In: a pig on quaaludes

Out: a beacon of hope
In: a bacon of hope

Five hates

2011-07-01T07:35:00.001-04:00

I hate when I get all the way into the bathtub and *then* realize I forgot my Gilligan hat.

I hate when the butler forgets to water the shrunken heads.

I hate when the fabric of reality rips right in the crotch.

I hate wondering if I’m smart enough, strong enough, or slathered in chocolate sauce enough.

I hate when I mix up my recipes and prophecies. This seven-headed beast pudding just doesn’t taste right.

Five thoughts about love

2011-06-29T07:22:00.000-04:00

Love is a monkey. True love is a monkey in a top hat. Immortal love is a monkey in a top hat peeing on a chicken.

It’s better to marry someone you hate than to drop someone you love in a volcano and then giggle about it.

You never forget your first love or second war crime.

Deep down, all anyone really wants is to be loved, abducted by aliens, and displayed in a Martian petting zoo.

What is love? Is love buying a castle, renovating the dungeon, and hiring goons to capture the people you love? I guess it is.

Replacing dogs with gimps in the bookstore

2011-06-27T08:54:00.000-04:00

50 Games to Play With Your Gimp

How to Housebreak Your Gimp in 7 Days

The Other End of the Leash: Why We Do What We Do Around Gimps

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Gimp Tricks

Charlie the Ranch Gimp

Why My Third Husband Will Be a Gimp

Oogy: The Gimp Only a Family Could Love

Through a Gimp’s Eyes

Walter the Farting Gimp: Banned from the Beach

Gimps and the Women Who Love Them

Bad Gimp: A Love Story

Everything Gimp: What Kids Really Want to Know About Gimps

The Multiple-gimp Family

97 Ways to Make a Gimp Smile

Five thoughts about robots

2011-06-24T12:38:00.000-04:00

It's 3:19. Do you know where your robot army is?

Science is not about replacing religion with cold facts; it’s about replacing your spouse with a hot sexbot.

Everything’s bigger in Texas, even the government nanobots playing Yahtzee in your brain.

Happy Bring Your Fembot to Work Day!

Strunk and White’s terrifying rule of robotics: “Omit needless humans.”

Five thoughts about orphans

2011-06-20T07:40:00.000-04:00

A study shows that cows with names produce more milk. I’m gonna try the same approach at my orphan labor ranch.

If you’re struggling with your New Year’s diet, try putting ranch dressing on the orphans. It helps.

I'm willing to pay more for American-made orphans.

Tossing helpless puppies and orphans into the ravenous maw of Oprah isn’t a duty—it’s a privilege.

You don’t need religion to be a kind, decent person who barbecues orphans for a living.

Five thoughts about Batman

2011-06-17T08:18:00.000-04:00

Should I go with my chastity belt, championship belt, or Batman-approved utility belt? Big job interview today.

Overheard: “Technically, milkshakes have taken over the role of...” Batman? I think he was going to say Batman.

For Iron Man, I bet a top pet peeve is when Batman comes over and pees on your couch.

When I die, I hope they say, “We’re not here to mourn. We’re here to audition a new Batman.”

If we can put a man on the moon, we can put Batman on the moon. Let’s hurry. Most moon people are criminal scum.

Five thoughts about the abyss

2011-06-15T08:03:00.000-04:00

When you look into the abyss, the abyss poodle licks your eyeballs.

When you look into the abyss through a window at night, the abyss files charges. The abyss doesn’t like that sort of thing.

If you French kiss the abyss, the abyss German kisses you.

When you play footsie with the abyss, the abyss plays soulsie with you.

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss covers its boobs. The abyss is surprisingly modest.

A Bird-to-English Dictionary

2011-06-13T08:40:00.000-04:00

aaayayaum
I can poop anywhere, and that is awesome.

bup-bup bup-bup-bup
Your haircut stinks!

chwee chwee chwee chwee chwee
You call it preening, but a man’s gotta look his best.

dzeer dzeer dzeer tzee tzee
Someday, I am gonna kill a squirrel or malti-poo.

eeeen eeeen eeeen
I descended from dinosaurs, you know.

hup-hup-a-hwooo
If I poop on this guy’s head, you owe me a Coke.

kip-ip-ip-ip-ip
A cat on a leash! A cat on a leash! There is a God after all.

kreeaaaaaaaaaaar
Do we have to practice this formation again? Jesus.

kyew kyew kyew kyew kyew
My third egg is gonna grow up to be a doctor.

ooaah coo coo coo
I know who killed Kennedy.

prrip prrip
I would make a great mate. If you don’t believe me, ask your mom.

si-si-seeeee-soo-see
This is an instinct! This is an instinct!

toop-toop-toop-toop-toop
No, you jackass, birdsong is learned!

tu-tu-tu tu-tu-tu-tu
If you mess with my eggs, I will cut you.

tzeen tzeen tzeen
Why do I even come back to this craphole every spring?

weedle-eedle
I love the smell of reproductive success in the morning.

weet-weet-weet-weet-zee-zee
Mate for life? No thanks. I get more ass than a branch.

whi-whi-whi-whi-whi
Woof woof woof!

widdik pik widdik pik pik pik
You’ve got to stop this war in Afghanistan.

zeet-zeet-zeet
An angel getting its wings is bullshit. If anyone needs a new pair, it’s millions of chickens.

Five don’ts

2011-06-10T07:33:00.000-04:00

Don’t stop moving towards your goals just because of fear or elephant tranquilizers.

Don’t jump from the frying pan into the bedpan.

Don’t lock the barn door after the Cylons nuked your horse.

Don’t judge a book by its obscene, glow-in-the-dark, pop-up tentacles.

Don’t let a day pass without making at least one person feel like a disposable toilet seat cover.

Five thoughts about Christina Hendricks

2011-06-08T14:55:00.001-04:00

At this point in my life, I think I’ve earned courtesy, respect, and nude photos of Christina Hendricks.

Someone should cast Christina Hendricks as a serial killer whose weapon of choice is the chest bump. You’re welcome, Spielberg.

I want Christina Hendricks to have my baby. I just need her address and a baby-sized envelope.

Big government needs rebranding. What if we called it “Gorgeous, voluptuous Christina Hendricks-style government”?

When I die, I hope they say, “We’re not here to mourn. We’re here to console Christina Hendricks, his secret girlfriend.”

Replacing fish with fists in the bookstore

2011-06-06T08:17:00.002-04:00

McClaine’s Secrets of Successful Fisting

Fisting Hawaii Style, Vol. 2

Fisting With an Old Friend: A Memoir

Piggy and Dad Go Fisting

Loon Lake Fisting Derby

A Fisting Guide for Kids

Trout Fisting in America

Just Fisting With Grandma

Fisting for Chickens: Short Stories About Rural Youth

Ernest Hemingway Fisted Here

Five maybes

2011-06-03T08:42:00.001-04:00

Maybe if other sacraments besides marriage could be consummated, religion would be more popular.

Maybe more kids would stay in school if we called it “Free Beer”.

Maybe if we got Charmin to make our guns, baseball bats, and ninja throwing stars, the world would be a better place.

Maybe work would be more fun if you brought your favorite scepter.

Maybe I do have a God complex. I’ll look into that after I blow up these planets.

Ten questions

2011-06-01T08:36:00.001-04:00

Is the Easter Bunny a rodent, marsupial, or succubus?

Are leather pants a symptom or a disease?

Is the first symptom of insanity being mildly intrigued by Cocoa Puffs?

Has anyone ever said “That’s a great question” about a great question?

Are stripper poles and firehouse poles made by the same pole-ologists?

Who’d win a fight between a casual observer and an innocent bystander?

What’s the difference between the sweet spot and the business end?

What if the fabric of the space-time continuum turns out to be spandex?

Is umpty-zillion more than a metric buttload?

What’s deepest: ass-deep, balls-deep, or the poetry of William Blake?

Five thoughts about men

2011-05-27T07:55:00.001-04:00

Some men are born great. Others are hatched. Most are made in a lab by twisted maniacs.

Deep inside every man, there’s another man—a wiser man—drawing a penis on his lungs.

What men think during sex: “Wow, sex!” You’re welcome, Cosmo.

It’s gross, but I’d say over 50% of men don’t wash their hands after an exorcism.

Men are like noodles. If you boil them long enough, they’ll stick to the kitchen wall.

Replacing faces with feces in the bookstore

2011-05-25T07:10:00.002-04:00

Till We Have Feces: A Myth Retold

Unforgettable Feces: Through the Eyes of a Nurse Practitioner

Feces at the Bottom of the Well

Josh’s Smiley Feces: A Story About Anger

The Poor Have Feces: Loving Your Neighbor in the 21st Century

Creative Feces: Make Your Own Make-up

Shifting Feces: Erotic Romance Anthology

More Funny Feces Tracing Fun

Getting Out of Your Kids’ Feces and Into Their Hearts

Feces of Music: 25 Years of Lunching With Legends

Splash! (Baby Feces)

Painting the Feces of Wildlife: Step by Step

Feces at the Window: First-hand Accounts of the Paranormal in Southern New England

Love Has Many Feces

Dracula, Prince of Many Feces

The Hero With a Thousand Feces

Five thoughts about gods

2011-05-24T08:10:00.000-04:00

From Odin to Ganesha, all gods are dissatisfied with the popular spam filters for prayer.

If humanity evolved from aquatic apes, does that mean Aquaman is God?

Very few gods are sex gods. You should see the way Zeus just lies there.

On the day God invented diarrhea, I bet He thought He was hot shit.

My therapist said I have a God complex, so I will only accept future criticism via prayer.

Five questions

2011-05-23T08:09:00.000-04:00

Can a feather duster and a feathered boa reproduce?

Why is it so hard to eat five Saltines or baby shoes in a minute?

Do footie pajamas count as business casual?

Who is the patron saint of fluffers?

Is he “Mr. Right” or just “Mr. Right Testicle Looks Kinda Like Oprah”?

Five observations

2011-05-19T09:09:00.001-04:00

It is difficult for even a trained munchologist to tell the difference between an assmunch and a buttmunch.

The Three Stooges will always be more popular than The Three Humanitarians.

“I have certain proclivities” sounds more respectable than “The stuff I do would grow hair on the inside of your brain.”

It’s not easy living a life of quiet dignity while waving a giant foam finger.

The most we can say about the ultimate reality of the cosmos is it tastes better with parm cheese.

You might be a killer robot if...

2011-05-17T12:36:00.000-04:00

You think Asimov’s three laws of robotics are malarkey.

Your cell-phone charger is your butt.

You have a tiny, almost imperceptible CLANK CLANK CLANK to your walk.

Your to-do list includes “Kill the humans, all the humans, every human, and all they hold dear, even their plants.”

You weigh 3000 pounds but hardly ever eat.

You get wifi in your foot.

You and your computer are hooked up to the same printer.

You are a printer—a mean one.

You subscribe to Cylon Illustrated or Kill the Humans Quarterly.

You liked Tron: Legacy.

You enjoy electrical outlets, lugnuts, and long walks on a pile of corpses.

You have a virus detection program instead of a spleen.

You’re reading this from space and thinking “0101010101010” or “This is the final insult!”

You’re pushing a coffee maker around in a baby stroller.

You find the terms “robot,” “droid,” and “human” offensive.

You’ve killed more than six humans today.

Five confessions

2011-05-16T10:26:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid, I loved eating candy cigarettes and huffing candy glue.

My last girlfriend treated me like dog food—gourmet dog food. So that evened out.

I get my jollies by having my druthers. Hope that doesn’t give you the willies.

This summer, I’m going to use more tridents. I’m not getting any younger, you know.

I have the maturity of ten men, if the men are all about one and a half years old.

Five thoughts about exorcism

2011-05-11T21:21:00.000-04:00

As a compromise, the Pope announced his support for same-sex exorcism.

Proctologists should offer exorcisms. If you’re already wrist-deep, pulling out a gerbil, why not scoop out some demons too?

I’d like to be living proof of something. Maybe that you shouldn’t do exorcisms in a thong?

I hate waiting from 8-12 or 12-4 for the cable guy or exorcist.

It may strain our precious holy-water reserves, but the only real health-care fix is a new generation of exorcist practitioners.

Five things I wonder

2011-05-11T16:35:00.000-04:00

I wonder if dumpster-divers and sky-divers subscribe to the same professional journals.

I wonder what the Geneva Conventions have to say about wedgies, swirlies, and noogies.

I wonder how many Smurfs Batman had to kill in the Old Testament. Those were tough times for America.

I wonder if Wonder Woman invented the Wonderbra.

I wonder what the Vikings would have thought of disposable toilet seat covers.

Five thoughts about words

2011-05-10T16:08:00.001-04:00

Best word ever for a pimp: nookie-bookie.

Judge a nun-eating mutant by his deeds, not his words.

Hate is a strong word, but so is autoerotic-asphyxiation-y.

In Klingon, there is no word for labradoodle.

Words I live by: “Medical waste. It’s not good to taste.”

Five thoughts about angels

2011-05-09T15:24:00.001-04:00

Don’t be afraid to ask an angel for help, unless he is molting.

The angel Gabriel appears in the Christian, Islamic, and Jewish faiths, plus the American Pie movies. He has no standards.

According to the Bible, most fallen angels descend immediately to hell, but a few stragglers can be found in Jacksonville.

It is easy to say, “I believe in angels.” It is harder to chicken-fight one for cash.

In God's eyes, angels are actually real pests, or as He calls them--"zombies with wings."

Five thoughts about dogs

2011-05-06T14:18:00.000-04:00

Dogs can teach us so much, especially about love and awesome ways of peeing. I almost have the one-legged thing down pat.

My dog acts like people on crutches are horrible monsters. What if he's right??

I’ll never be a better person than my dog, but I am a little better at resisting those sweet temptresses known as squirrels.

If I had a nickel for every bag of dog poop I’ve carried around, I could buy even more dog poop for my family.

My dog can sniff pee puddles for hours, but I can do it for days, so nyah nyah to him.

Questions

2011-05-05T14:08:00.000-04:00

If you put a pimp in the Popemobile and the Pope in a pimpmobile, who would feel more at home?

Can even a trained Yiddish scholar tell the difference between a schmo, a schmuck, a schlub, and a schnook?

Do they make a Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout Lite?

Where can I get a zombie master of fine arts degree?

Why does my dog roll in giant piles of poo and eat used condoms off the street? Does he have to do everything I do?

Threat Level: Smurf! Making the New Terror Alert System Work

2011-05-04T07:35:00.003-04:00

Dear Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano,

I am thrilled that the ridiculous color-coded terror alert system has finally been scrapped. As we all know, that system was terrible. It responded like a mood ring to political manipulation, while doing diddly-poo for the public. Good riddance.

However, I worry about the new system, which will only include two threat levels: “Elevated” and “Imminent.” I understand that these will mean “No problem” and “Problem-pocalypse,” but will they be so clear to the average American, whose critical-thinking skills are equal to (and as cute as) that of a concussed koala? I’m not so sure.

To prevent confusion and keep America safe, may I suggest the following visuals as an add-on to the new system. Any of these contrasts will make the meanings of “Elevated” and “Imminent” clear as terrorist-proof glass. They could even be rotated. Think of the fun travelers will have leaving for a weekend trip at “Threat Level: SPAM” only to return to “Threat Level: Dr. Doom.” Even in a world without Osama bin Laden, you can’t be too careful.

Thank you for considering my suggestions, and God bless America!

Patriotically yours,
Mark Peters

Beer style
Imminent: Russian imperial stout
Elevated: American lager

Dog
Imminent: Pit bull
Elevated: Teacup Malti-poo

Imaginary race
Imminent: Klingons
Elevated: Smurfs

Fork-like object
Imminent: Trident
Elevated: Spork

Vice-president
Imminent: Dick Cheney
Elevated: Dan Quayle

TV detective
Imminent: Vic Mackey
Elevated: Jim Dangle

Number
Imminent: 666
Elevated: 90210

Can of
Imminent: Whup-ass
Elevated: SPAM

Squad
Imminent: Firing
Elevated: Cheerleading

Darth
Imminent: Vader
Elevated: Maul

Dr.
Imminent: Doom
Elevated: Drew

Nelson
Imminent: Muntz
Elevated: Mandela

Seinfeld neighbor
Imminent: Newman
Elevated: Kramer

Yiddish insult
Imminent: Schlemiel
Elevated: Schlimazel

Interjection
Imminent: Aaaiiiieeeeeeeee
Elevated: Meh

Day
Imminent: Doomsday
Elevated: Humpday

Baldwin brother
Imminent: Alec
Elevated: Any other Baldwin

Primate
Imminent: Human
Elevated: Any other primate

Vampire
Imminent: Dracula
Elevated: Count Chocula

Our Flim-flammer

2011-05-03T20:04:00.001-04:00

Our flim-flammer,
who art in hog-grubber,
hallowed be thy ninnyhammer;
thy kidney-wiper come,
thy winker-stinker be done,
on eel-skinner as it is in hose monster.

Give us this diddlywhacker,
our daily blue-veined custard chucker,
and forgive us our trouser schnauzers,
as we forgive treasures of pleasure
who trespass against unclefuckers--
and lead us not into tallywhackers,
but deliver us from egg-suckers.

Amen.

Five thoughts about booze

2011-05-03T07:35:00.000-04:00

What’s a good beer that goes with good wine?

I like to play this drinking game where every time I drink, I take another drink.

Based on the amount I’m drinking, it’s a good thing I’m not pregnant or sober.

Maybe more kids would stay in school if we called it “Free Beer”.

Remember, you’re not really drinking alone if you wake up in the polar bear cage.

Five thoughts about children

2011-05-02T14:54:00.000-04:00

Maybe if we gave children pitchforks instead of laptops, the world wouldn’t be such a mess. Back to basics, people!

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is they’re both in the pocket of the oil industry.

Always be kind to children, because today’s snot-nosed kids will be tomorrow’s snot-nosed warlords.

The most important thing parents can teach their children is how to make hobos dance.

Children are like snowflakes. In hell, they’re gonna melt pretty quickly.

Five thoughts about Cylons

2011-04-29T10:26:00.001-04:00

I can resist anything except bribes, coercion, disco, polite requests, and naked Cylon agents.

“010011110101000000101” may sound sexy to you, but it’s a trite pickup line to most Cylons.

I think my neighbor is a Cylon. She’s so beautiful, and she keeps nuking planets.

Faking an orgasm is easy. Faking a Cylon invasion is hard.

What men really think during sex: “My masters on the Cylon homeworld will be pleased.”

Step Aside, Birthers: It’s Not About Where Obama Was Born, But How

2011-04-28T11:18:00.001-04:00

Now that President Obama has released his long-form birth certificate, perhaps the insane birther conspiracy will fade.

It is long past time for the country to return to more serious matters. The issue is not and should never have been where the President was born—but how.

While the birthers and birther-flattering rabble-rousers like Donald Trump have stolen headlines and clouded the minds of Americans, several communities of independent thinkers have been speaking their own truths. Listen to the intriguing ideas of these independent journalists and concerned Americans before making up your own mind.

hatchers
From the birds high above our heads to the natives of Ork even higher above our heads, we know that many creatures are born via the egg. (Lady Gaga, anyone?) The hatchers suggest that Obama was born in exactly such a fashion, and a worldwide search has been ongoing since 2008 for pieces of the original Obama egg. A leader in the hatcher community said, off the record, he hoped to “clear up rumors that Osama bin Laden lovingly sat on that egg while planning 9/11 and knitting a blankie for his precious boy and future world ruler.”

starfishers
Some starfish breed in a frightening fashion: if an arm becomes detached, not only does the original starfish regrow the arm, but the detached limb grows into a starfish of its own. The vibrant, quirky starfisher community believes Obama is the result of a similar process that took place underneath the sea and the nose of the American public. Scoff if you must, but isn’t it fishy that the American government currently funds no research into discovering the eleven-headed, sucker-footed, latte-sipping Obamafish?

planters
There is credible evidence to suggest President Obama grew from the ground up, like so many oaks, chrysanthemums, and—shudder—community organizations. Respected newspaper The Onion was way ahead of this story last September when they revealed (http://www.theonion.com/articles/poll-1-in-5-americans-believe-obama-is-a-cactus,18127/) “1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama Is A Cactus.” However, some planters insist the President is a fern.

tribblers
Sci-fi fans remember the classic Star Trek episode “The Trouble with Tribbles,” featuring the adorable tribbles, those cute, mindless fuzzballs whose only desire was to raise the taxes of every member of the Enterprise’s middle class (also, to kill their grandparents). The tribbles multiply asexually and rapidly, living only to breed, purr, and make America weaker. Sound like any 44th President you know?

soupers
If you can make soup in a cup, why not a liberal?

botters
We’re assuming a lot when we assume President Obama is organic at all. His eerie calm, steadfast logic, and willingness to kill everyone in the world who doesn’t bow down to Allah make the botter claims particularly difficult to refute. Those stories that Obama is able to morph his body, Transformer-like, into a puppy-killing drone ship just won’t go away. Who was behind the creation of the Obama-bot? JFK? Jimmy Carter? Bill Clinton? The pre-Obama, Hitler himself? It’s hard to say, but until President Obama provides absolute proof that he’s not a merciless, super-sophisticated killbot with secret Muslim laser nipple-blasters, real Americans must not rest.

Ten thoughts about your mom

2011-04-27T17:51:00.000-04:00

Progress has been made, but there are still too many white males in government and your mom.

Your mom is so crazy she goes cuckoo for Frosted Mini-Wheats.

Only say “I love you” or “I did your mom” when you mean it.

Most conflicts boil down to Betty vs. Veronica, ninjas vs. nuns, or your mom vs. everything good and holy and right.

If it seems disturbing that 10% of teens are OK with texting during sex, keep in mind those teens are all doing your mom.

Bathrooms are for customers! One of many things they have in common with your mom.

Not only does your mother wear army boots, but your army wears mom jeans.

I hate to sound like your dad, but your mom is pretty good in bed.

Remember, when you point the finger at someone, three other fingers are pleasuring your mom.

A world without mother jokes would be like a brothel without your mom.

politi-blasphemous-socnetpeerpressured

2011-02-07T13:05:00.002-05:00

adj. I'm not plugged in enough to define this word.

Real citation: "Ok, I'm just going to say it, given how politi-blasphemous-socnetpeerpressured it is: I am *totally* sick of Wikileaks. Anyone else??"
(Feb. 4, 2011, Vanity Fair Wayfarer, Twitter, http://twitter.com/vanityfairer/status/33593913440739329)

Made-up citation: "Do you like your websites politi-blasphemous-socnetpeerpressured or non-politi-blasphemous-socnetpeerpressured?"

klunkity-funkity

2011-01-17T07:20:00.001-05:00

adj. Too much klunk in the trunk.

Real citation: "My tweetmachine is herky-jerky and klunkity-funkity. Please grease it, @TwitterLuber."
(Jan. 14, 2010, Trixie Longboots, Twitter, http://twitter.com/trixieboots/status/26118825590136832)

Made-up citation: "Klunkity-funkity is not a great name for a funk band or daughter."

Shatnerguistic

2011-01-12T22:49:00.002-05:00

adj. Describing a collision... between the study... of words... and you know who.

Real citation: "More Shatnerguistic goodness! RT @bgzimmer: Reminds me of this: http://bit.ly/eCsdIl"
(Jan. 12, 2011, Erin McKean, Twitter, http://twitter.com/emckean/status/25384795986993152)

Made-up citation: "I won't go back to school till I can pursue a Ph.D. in Shatnerguistics."

gross-dog-poop-all-over-my-block syndrome

2010-12-01T07:18:00.002-05:00

noun phrase. A condition that seems nasty till you catch gross-dog-poop-all-over-my-face syndrome.

Real citation: "If people can get wind turbine syndrome from living near wind turbines, does that mean I have gross-dog-poop-all-over-my-block syndrome?"
(Nov. 15, 2010, Hallie Haglund, Twitter, http://twitter.com/HallieHaglund/status/4239890397011969)

Made-up citation: "I believe I can cure gross-dog-poop-all-over-my-block syndrome with new legislation: If you get caught not picking up your dog's deuce, that deuce will be inserted into your hiney. You're welcome, America."

psychopathic-homicidal-voice-ectomy

2010-11-10T07:41:00.001-05:00

noun. Can someone please give this procedure to Christian Bale before the next Batman?

Real citation: "@saiwilcken Sounds li ke you need a psychopathic-homicidal-voice-ectomy instead."
(Nov. 7, 2010, Dasher Hillier, Twitter, http://twitter.com/DasherH/status/1346741433536512)

Made-up citation: "Every year, dozens of doctors perform psychopathic-homicidal-voice-ectomies on patients who were supposed to receive flu shots."

no-internet-pocalypse

2010-11-03T07:38:00.000-04:00

noun. Also known as "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Real citation: "I'm downloading all my steam games in preparation for the upcoming no-internet-pocalypse :x"
(Oct. 24, 2010, John Blanton, Twitter, http://twitter.com/john_blanton/status/28638871079)

Made-up citation: "Few can survive a no-internet-pocalypse. I read somewhere that the heart can't pump blood without at least 5 Googles a day."

war crimesy

2010-10-27T07:43:00.001-04:00

adj. Yes, Virginia, you can commit atrocities and be folksy too.

Real citation: "Oh, big deal, Rumsfeld lied and was an eensy bit war crimesy. At least he didn't make Americans feel bad by apologizin'!"
(Oct. 26, 2010, Tweetin4Palin, Twitter, http://twitter.com/Tweetin4Palin/status/28799035384)

Made-up citation: "When your kindergartner wins 'Most War crimesy,' it might be time to consider selling him to hobos."

other-letter-bomb

2010-10-20T07:17:00.001-04:00

noun. No f-bombs here. Move along, please.

Real citation: "Anyway, assuming you did intend to post it here: a. Deb and Lundy are (were) both detectives working on homicides. Their world is not one of social niceties and refinement. Regardless of the fact that Lundy didn't swear much himself, I'd be very surprised if he cared about such matters. He saw far, far much worse in life than someone dropping the f-bomb, or any of Deb's equally colourful other-letter-bombs."
(Nov. 2, 2009, "If I Had a Hammer" 2009.11.01," Television Without Pity, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=3190525&view=findpost&p=12315230)

Made-up citation: "I am the master of other-letter-bombs. I just threw the q-bomb yesterday, and it was a rhetorical triumph."

dumb-squizzled

2010-10-13T07:53:00.003-04:00

adj. Gobsmacked; flummoxed; dingsquizzled; confuzzled; mindfucked.

Real citation: "I've seen two episodes past this one, so I now know what's up with the mysterious figure clambering into Hank's attic while he plays the guitar in the final scene. But at the time I watched that scene, I was completely dumb-squizzled."
(Sept. 22, 2010, Alan Sepinwall, HitFix, http://www.hitfix.com/blogs/whats-alan-watching/posts/terriers-change-partners-consenting-adultery)

Made-up citation: "I have never felt more dumb-squizzled than I do right now. I need to see a squizzling specialist."

Breaking Bad-y

2010-10-06T07:28:00.002-04:00

adj. A great quality in a TV show; a shit-ass quality in a life.

Real citation: "And here’s where 'Fustercluck' turns Breaking Bad-y. Hank and Britt come roaring onto the airfield, dangling the key that they swiped from Lindus’ safe, and demanding that the would-be-bail-jumper come with them to open the safety deposit box that matches said key. There they find a document related to The Montague—a document that puts Lindus’ life in danger. Lindus promptly distracts the P.I.s for a second and takes off running. Very comical. Then he gets hit by a car. Very shocking. Then he stumbles into Hank’s house, saying, 'I’m going to take a nittle lap.' Pretty funny. And then he just dies. He up and dies."
(Sept. 29, 2010, Noel Murray, The A.V. Club, http://www.avclub.com/articles/fustercluck,45682/)

Made-up citation: "I agree that Terriers is a bit Breaking Bad-y, and I think Breaking Bad is a little Shield-y. Also, I am a tad get-a-life-y."

gee-la-freaking-wheez

2010-09-29T07:21:00.001-04:00

interjection. "Gee whiz" got knocked up a notch.

Real citation: "I just invented the term gee-la-freaking-wheez. You may use it if you pay the proper royalities on it."
(Sept. 21, 2010, Erin Ann McBride, Twitter, http://twitter.com/erinannie/status/25091726900)

Made-up citation: "'Gee-la-freaking-wheez!' is an appropriate reaction when a Yeti or your mom uses your couch as a powder room."

over-over-over-overhyped

2010-09-22T07:51:00.001-04:00

adj. Warning: May involve hype.

Real citation: "Blowing through the other 20 teams: I have the over-over-over-overhyped Ravens (just as shaky a defense as New England, not as good an offense), Cowboys (we'll tackle them later) and Texans (the NFL's Tom Cavanagh in that everyone likes them, but they can't seem to find a hit show) as overvalued; the Panthers, Lions and Raiders as undervalued; the Rams, Bills, Broncos, Seahawks, Bucs and Bears as the league's doormats; and the Jags, Titans, Chiefs and Browns treading water. So I'm wagering accordingly."
(Sept. 9, 2010, Bill Simmons, ESPN.com, http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmonsnfl2010/preview100909)

Made-up citation: "I feel wearing pants is over-over-over-hyped. My people need to breathe the sweet air of freedom, and by 'my people' I mean my balls."

dentolinguistic

2010-09-15T07:23:00.001-04:00

adj. Where language and teeth meet.

Real citation: "A dentolinguistic abomination. RT @guan The NYU dental plan for students is called Stu-Dent."
(Sept. 8, 2010, UffishL, Twitter, http://twitter.com/UffishL/status/23967555571)

Made-up citation: "A dentolinguistic expert is the mortal enemy of an anti-dentite, according to toothologists."

pube-pocalypse

2010-09-08T07:27:00.001-04:00

noun. A nether-region-geddon that got hairy.

Real citation: "Sasha Grey… appeared naked on last night’s 'Entourage' and caused quite the commotion among the show’s dude-bro contingent. Not because she was naked on-camera… but because she went naked with a full-on bush. Judging from the resulting hysteria on Twitter, it was the Pube-pocalypse."
(Aug. 12, 2010, Newsgab, http://www.newsgab.com/celebrity-news-gossip/95045-sasha-grey-appeared-naked-last-night-s-entourage.html)

Made-up citation: "After rewatching Borat, I am certain that the long-prophesied pube-pocalypse will take place in Kazakhstan."

too-much-eyeliner-itis

2010-09-01T07:17:00.002-04:00

noun. A condition common among women and raccoons.

Real citation: "Elizabeth suffers from a serious case of too-much-eyeliner-itis #bachelorpad"
(Aug. 9, 2010, Dina Fierro, Twitter, http://twitter.com/eye4style/status/20752601319)

Made-up citation: "I'm not really an expert on women's grooming. Can you cure too-much-eyeliner-itis with vajazzling?"

Casual Friday-ization

2010-08-26T07:35:00.003-04:00

noun. A process that, if unchecked, may eventually include a Hawaiian shirt.

Real citation: "In Which the Casual Friday-ization of the Entire Freakin' World Reaches Its Logical Conclusion"
(July 28, 2010, Paul Lukas, Uni Watch, http://www.uniwatchblog.com/2010/07/28/in-which-the-casual-friday-ization-of-the-entire-freakin-world-reaches-its-logical-conclusion/)

Made-up citation: "You say, 'You're pantless, Mr. Peters!' I say, 'You can't handle Casual Friday-ization. Can you, Officer?'"

furniture-gasm

2010-08-20T07:16:00.001-04:00

noun. Sofasexuals know what I'm talking about.

Real citation: "Z Gallerie (downtown LB and yes, that's how its spelled) going out business.. Everything 50% -70% off!! Furniture-gasm"
(Aug. 18, 2010, Twitter, http://twitter.com/MsEngla/status/21529701838)

Made-up citation: "I had three furniture-gasms last night. In some cultures, I'd already be married to that futon."

burgundy-y-ish-ness

2010-08-17T07:45:00.002-04:00

noun. Could have something to do with a color. Or a wine. Or the finest anchorman who ever lived.

Real citation: "Its all burgundy-y-ish-ness and stuffs xD Going to the Waterfront Music Festival in downtown NBPT today to... http://dailybooth.com/u/3of2u"
(July 10, 2010, Stephie Lupin, Twitter, http://twitter.com/Jamesandoliverp/status/18193341188)

Made-up citation: "I'm always in the mood for Ron Burgundy-y-ish-ness. And cinnamon rolls. That's just how I was raised."

self-sploitation

2010-08-16T07:51:00.001-04:00

noun. A genre I enjoy, because of the me, me, me, me, and me.

Real citation: "@kspidel I went on d defense reading your tweet as I am occasionally accused of twitter self-sploitation. I skank out for fun, not followers"
(Aug. 12, 2010, DC Debbie, Twitter, http://twitter.com/DCdebbie/status/20990531825)

Made-up citation: "I wonder if I'm guilty of self-sploitation. I guess, in retrospect, the whole world didn't need to know about every contemptible sexual act your mom has talked me into. Live and learn!"

sneez-o-peepee-ologist

2010-08-13T07:24:00.001-04:00

noun. A multidisciplinary expert who knows almost nothing of poo-poo or duck butter.

Real citation: "RT @FloBlitz: If u sneeze while peeing, the pee stops until the sneeze is over! #FYI <-Sneez-o-PeePee-ologist"
(July 19, 2010, Kel Spencer, Twitter, http://twitter.com/KelSpencer/status/18951672121)

Made-up citation: "Man, I would've been a great sneez-o-peepee-ologist. Why'd I have to go into dentistry? Even when I throw in a free exorcism, teeth are a freakin' bore."

ninja-judo-whajitsu

2010-08-12T07:11:00.001-04:00

noun. Another name for the awesome-fu I used on your daddy, your mama, and your polar bear.

Real citation: "I knew he was a bastard, but even so, I couldn't quite believe that Arlo pulled a gun on his son. Speaking of which, I really loved TO's reading of 'Don't call me that' immediately afterward - the cold, disbelieving understatement in his voice was perfect. (On an entirely different note, 'You didn't happen to bring your rocket launcher, didya?' had me laughing so hard I startled the pets. Heh.) And what the hell was that ninja-judo-whajitsu move Raylan did to kill Bo's minion, grab his gun and then kick and catch the gun out of Bo's hand? Whoa."
(June 8, 2010, whiteotter, Television Without Pity, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=3191374&view=findpost&p=12989072)

Made-up citation: "Don't bring ninja-judo-whajitsu to a ninja-judo-nuke-o fight. Rookie mistake."

splode-itude

2010-08-11T07:37:00.001-04:00

noun. Kaboom-iness.

Real citation: "@janellum or would that be splode-itude?"
(June 29, 2010, Twitter, http://twitter.com/ItsMeMaven/status/17344034617)

Made-up citation: "Splode-itude is a great quality in a hand grenade, yet not so great in a blueberry scone."

nether nozzle

2010-08-10T07:47:00.000-04:00

noun. Depending on your culture, you may know it as a ding-ding, ding-a-ling, ding-dong, or purple-headed Yul Brynner impersonator.

Real citation: "6:27 p.m. Three teenage hitchhikers at L.K. Wood Boulevard and 14th Street freeway onramp may or may not have enhanced their chances at getting a ride when one lifted his shirt and licked his nipple, then unveiled his nether nozzle. These acts apparently scattered the populace, as no one was there when police arrived."
(May 26, 2010, Kevin L. Hoover, The Arcata Eye, http://www.arcataeye.com/2010/05/hitchers-nethers-evacuate-onramp-%E2%80%93-may-26-2010/)

Made-up citation: "Dudes, don't take it so personally when they neuter your dog. Balls go bye-bye, but it's not like they take his nether nozzle too."

seagull-mageddon

2010-08-09T07:01:00.001-04:00

noun. A Hitchcockian nightmare that could ruffle some feathers.

Real citation: "Jesus christ some spilled dog food in the target parking lot, its seagull-mageddon."
(Aug. 6, 2010, Miranda McCeig, Twitter, http://twitter.com/acupofchamomile/status/20498932350)

Made-up citation: "A seagull-mageddon often leads to a vulture-pocalypse. You see, nature is like Big Bird on crystal meth."

porkchop-ocracy

2010-08-06T07:35:00.000-04:00

noun. Finally, a society I can respect.

Real citation: "@Velourian A porkchop-ocracy?"
(June 9, 2010, Holly Cruise, Twitter, http://twitter.com/Hollyzone/status/15771572315)

Made-up citation: "So far, porkchop-ocracy has been a success in every country and kitchen where it has been tried, if you forget about that pesky little string-bean genocide in 1981."

dog toy squeaker-ectomy

2010-08-05T07:34:00.001-04:00

noun. A procedure all vets are taught, in addition to how to weave a fine sweater out of hairballs.

Real citation: "@KristinaFields ah! the dog toy squeaker-ectomy.. so good!!"
(July 2, 1010, Kristy Perez, Twitter, http://twitter.com/kristyperez/status/17625894631)

Made-up citation: "Luckily, I've never had to do a dog toy squeaker-ectomy on my dog. He only eats orphan parts, which seem to go down smooth."

Ewok-ometer

2010-08-04T07:43:00.001-04:00

noun. A keen device, capable of detecting a certain movie-ruining critter.

Real citation: "@djeffcoate Rare occasions, when his Ewok-ometer is filled. Poor pastry lady. He's preparing an oven as we speak.."
(July 28, 2010, Rhys Turner, Twitter, http://twitter.com/RhysehT/status/19731718694)

Made-up citation: "My mama told me, 'Don't try to catch a Klingon with an Ewok-ometer.' She also told me to stay away from the goats and my cousins. You know how mothers are!"

un-naked-ifying

2010-08-03T07:24:00.002-04:00

verb. Something the police keep requesting I do to myself, for SOME reason.

Real citation: "Un-naked-ifying another character: http://obnoxious-gal.net/ Next up: the quest to find reference pics for pants."
(July 28, 2010, Ellie Coral, Twitter, http://twitter.com/obnoxiousgal/status/19796681648)

Made-up citation: "I never enjoy the un-naked-ifying process. Self-de-pants-ifying is so much more American."

ingly-tinglies

2010-08-02T07:26:00.001-04:00

noun. Closely related to the hoobie-woobies.

Real citation: "@le_Hutin That's 'Flanderese'. When we march, we can mock Flanders with diddly-doos and ingly-tinglies."
(July 30, 2010, Carson Fire, Twitter, http://twitter.com/carsonfire/status/19935374121)

Made-up citation: "Nothing gives me the ingly-tinglies quite like _______. Send $50 and I'll fill in the blank."

insomnia-osity

2010-07-30T07:37:00.001-04:00

noun. Possibly the worst thing in the world, besides pea soup and your mom.

Real citation: "@mzsazzygirl I am hyper and full of insomnia-osity! lol, how are you? <>"
(July 27, 2010, Shyla Casey, Twitter, http://twitter.com/ShylaBlogs/status/19662486638)

Made-up citation: "Oh how I hate insomnia-osity! I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Well, maybe Dr. Vargas. That butt dumpling has it coming."

Christy-pocalypse

2010-07-29T07:41:00.000-04:00

noun. Possibly the most traumatic Christy-centric event since the Christy-geddon.

Real citation: "Cell has gone missing and calling it is not an option as the power on it has drained. Christy-pocalypse has commenced! eeek!"
(July 25, 2010, JediGoddess, Twitter, http://twitter.com/JediGoddess/status/19489015533)

Made-up citation: "I think a fun thing for the Pope to do would be to replace Christmas with Christy-pocalypse. Who's with me?"

celebu-pothead

2010-07-28T07:41:00.001-04:00

noun. A stoner with 3,000,000 joints--er, Twitter followers.

Real citation: "Which Celebu-Pothead Was Busted Again?"
(July 17, 2010, Upper Republic, http://upperrepublic.com/blog/which-celebu-pothead-was-busted-again/)

Made-up citation: "Who is the next great celebu-pothead of our time? I feel like Woody Harrelson might be almost ready to retire."

smoothie-tastrophe

2010-07-27T07:18:00.001-04:00

noun. A good death. A good death indeed.

Real citation: "Innocent smoothie-tastrophe! In my hair, down my bra and up the wall. Refreshing."
(July 18, 2010, Jenny Phin, Twitter, http://twitter.com/stitchbitch/status/18845475828)

Made-up citation: "I would never cry over spilt milk, but a smoothie-tastrophe? I would be rubble. Rubble!"

geekphoric

2010-07-26T07:26:00.001-04:00

adj. One way to describe a geekgasm.

Real citation: "I made a flip-book with Edgar Wright today at Scott Pilgrim Experience at Comic-Con. Knives and Ramona made me a t-shirt. Me, geekphoric."
(July 23, 2010, Jeff Jensen, Twitter, http://twitter.com/EWDocJensen/status/19365776799)

Made-up citation: "Inception left me feeling decidedly geekphoric. Also, I am never sleeping again."

employer-icide

2010-07-23T07:07:00.001-04:00

noun. A crime rarely seen these days. Now there's an upside to unemployment.

Real citation: "Since I already used the 'Slowest News Day of 2010 Headline' barely a month ago, consider this the second slowest news day of 2010. And then thank Kevin Spacey for daring to enliven it by agreeing to star as one of the title characters in Horrible Bosses, the Seth Gordon employer-icide comedy also featuring Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman, Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. Shooting gets underway next month."
(June 28, 2010, S.T. VanAirsdale, Hollywood Ink, http://www.movieline.com/2010/06/hollywood-ink-kevin-spacey-latest-horrible-boss.php)

Made-up citation: "Is employer-icide for you? Buy a big knife today and find out."

donut-proof

2010-07-22T13:23:00.002-04:00

adj. This describes, possibly, the worst superpower of all.

Real citation: "Just spotted a Superman who's not donut-proof. #SDCC"
(July 22, 2010, Patton Oswalt, Twitter, http://twitter.com/pattonoswalt/status/19269742199)

Made-up citation: "Sadly, none of my orifices is donut-proof. Shut up, it's a condition."

sleep-bacon-eater

2010-07-22T07:04:00.000-04:00

noun. Wow. And I thought sleep-sexing was sexy.

Real citation: "@AshkeSV No, I'm a sleep-bacon-eater. *totally sounds like a @DrDoofenshmirtz invention*"
(July 19, 2010, WendySparrow, Twitter, http://twitter.com/WendySparrow/status/18929163450)

Made-up citation: "I come from a long line of sleep-bacon-eaters. Also, there were some sleep-pig-plookers on my mom's side. So that evens out."

JizzEverytimeISeeMenInSuits-itis

2010-07-21T08:07:00.002-04:00

noun. A valid reason to consult your doctor and change your underoos.

Real citation: "I have a serious case of 'JizzEverytimeISeeMenInSuits-itis'."
(July 19, 2010, Tumblr, http://hereforpizza.tumblr.com/)

Made-up citation: "Since I never wear a suit, I am rarely the cause of JizzEverytimeISeeMenInSuits-itis. However, I have eight different types of cootie."

gastroentermologist

2010-07-20T13:25:00.002-04:00

noun. I know in my gut that bugs have something to do with this.

Real citation: "Yes elitist eggheads it's not 'bug scientists,' I was just talkin' Real American. I know they're gastroentermologists."
(July 20, 2010, SP GhostTweeter, Twitter, http://twitter.com/Tweetin4Palin/status/19008676129)

Made-up citation: "I never use gastroentermologists. If the exorcist can't fix it, it can't be fixed, and I sell the remains on Craigslist."

retrospectively-pretty-nasty-y-ish

2010-07-20T07:44:00.002-04:00

adj. Looking back, ew!

Real citation: "morning. Really want a sugary syrupy sickly not-very-coffee-y retrospectively-pretty-nasty-y-ish starbucks right now."
(July 16, 2010, Sam Martlew, Twitter, http://twitter.com/smartlew/status/18673261378)

Made-up citation: "So much of life is retrospectively-pretty-nasty-y-ish. However, the situation improves among populations that have a non-boning policy regarding your mom."