tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72981972024-03-21T20:46:51.541-04:00WordlustitudeHumor writing by Mark PetersUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger2906125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-22052072637086794552012-08-01T13:06:00.000-04:002012-08-01T13:06:02.280-04:00America’s Next Batman<br />
With the end of the Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale Batman
movies here, studio executives are already preparing for a reboot. These are
some of the proposals that are being considered:
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Bruce Wayne is destined to become Batman once his parents
are killed, but why do they have to be murdered by a thug? Their murder should
be more contemporary and relatable: peanut allergies. Instead of fighting
crime, Batman will sternly admonish people who make fun of food allergies. The
villain could be Mr. Peanut.</div>
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Bruce Wayne is a ladies’ man, yet Batman has never really
appealed to women viewers. So let’s cast TV’s McDreamy as Batman and Katherine
Heigl as a Katherine Heigl-type love interest. </div>
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The religious crowd tends to feel excluded by superhero
movies, which seem to exist in a godless, immoral, spandex-clad hellscape. Let’s
remedy that with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Batman: The Blue Angel.</i>
In this origin story, Batman’s parents will be saved by Bibles in their
pockets. It would be really fun to see what Batman does during the Rapture.</div>
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Can we get Batman into <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Avengers</i>?</div>
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It’s been a long time since the humorous Batman of the
sixties, so America is probably ready for a new, fresh, hilarious spin on the
dark knight. With Judd Apatow at the helm and Will Ferrell under the cape, this
Batman will foil crime and frowns. The movie would include the first ever nude
scene of Batman, as well as Batman going through a classic Aptowian journey:
Batman eventually saves the day when he learns to grow up and stop hanging
around the Batcave smoking pot all day like a loser.</div>
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Tyler Perry Presents Batman.</div>
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The Tyler Perry of every other ethnic group presents Batman.</div>
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Why does Batman have to be a man—or human—at all? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Batdog: The Dark Poodle</i> will combine traditional
superhero fare with heartwarming stories like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Marley and Me</i>. We can keep most elements of the story. For example,
Alfred will be Batman’s owner who gives him treats after successful
crime-fighting. The villains will be the corrupt owners of a puppy mill and
Mitt Romney.</div>
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Superhero movies usually avoid politics, but many of our
investors would love to see Bruce Wayne support tax cuts for the rich. If he
could beat up a liberal President, bonus.</div>
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Since everyone thinks TV is so great these days, what if the
thug who kills Batman’s parents is a TV showrunner? Then Batman spends the movie
beating up TV writers, pretentious critics, and people who don’t buy popcorn.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-39157137098458358152012-04-27T12:25:00.001-04:002012-04-27T12:25:10.189-04:00Eleven hand-sanitizer jokesI’m going to a fancy hand-sanitizer tasting tonight.<br /><br />Mmm, I love a Long Island Hand Sanitizer.<br /><br />Hey teenage girls, I got a keg of hand sanitizer if you want to party.<br /><br />Does red or white hand sanitizer go with pink slime?<br /><br />“I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice hand sanitizer.” –Teenage Hannibal Lecter<br /><br />Hand sanitizer before beer, never fear. <br /><br />Do you prefer Russian imperial hand sanitizers or India pale hand sanitizers?<br /><br />Teenage James Bond drank hand-sanitizer-tinis.<br /><br />Discerning teens drink artisan hand sanitizer.<br /><br />“Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and hand sanitizer?” –Teenage Shakespeare<br /><br />“100 bottles of hand sanitizer on the wall, 100 bottles of hand sanitizer...” –Teen drinking songUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-8995477841415581382012-03-23T12:27:00.002-04:002012-03-23T12:31:06.191-04:00Ways to further woo the female vote (a leaked Republican Party memo)Propose massive tax on all "chick stuff."<br /><br />Refer to sexist, repressive regimes around the world as the Axis of Awesome Bros.<br /><br />Pay secret-service agents to shark Michelle Obama.<br /><br />Petition dictionaries to change the spelling of “clitoris” to “clitor-ick!”<br /><br />Force drugstores to rename Makeup Section the Filthy Prostitute Aisle.<br /><br />Make up new Bible verses that show Eve was actually made from Adam’s poop.<br /><br />Declare multiple orgasms unconstitutional.<br /><br />Add the phrase “Except for the hos” to the Pledge of Allegiance.<br /><br />Make transvaginal ultrasound a voting requirement. <br /><br />Start throwing women in Yellowstone volcano “as a precaution.”<br /><br />Rename Breast Cancer Awareness Month something like Man, God Hates Broads, Huh?<br /><br />Waterboard all feminists because of the Patriot Act or whatever.<br /><br />Burn every Jo-Ann Fabric to the ground and salt the earth.<br /><br />Put something itchy in all bras.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-71946536900138380392012-03-22T22:43:00.000-04:002012-03-22T22:44:19.808-04:00Five proverbs about nunsploitationNunsploitation before beer, never fear.<br /><br />No taxation without nunsploitation!<br /><br />When life hands you nunsploitation, make nunsploitation-ade.<br /><br />Nunsploit not, lest ye be nunsploited.<br /><br />Keep your friends close and your nunsploitation DVD library closer.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-72919472772899373812012-03-12T15:13:00.001-04:002012-03-12T15:15:38.828-04:00Replacing "mother" with "milf" at the bookstore<span style="font-style: italic;">Are You My Milf?</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Milf Goose Nursery Rhymes</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">The Milf of All Pregnancy Books</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Milf, Please!</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Milfs of Invention</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Chicken Soup for the Milf’s Soul</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Buddhism for Milfs</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Message from an Unknown Chinese Milf</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">What Your Milf Never Taught You About Sex</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">The Wind is My Milf</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Milf Theresa of Calcutta: A Personal Portrait</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">My Milf/My Self</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">May You Be the Milf of a Hundred Sons</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Does a Kangaroo Have a Milf, Too?</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-9914262603505185682012-01-17T12:40:00.001-05:002012-01-17T12:40:49.146-05:00Why celery is the worst thing in the worldIt tastes like a stalk of nothing.<br /><br />It’s not a carrot.<br /><br />It’s not a cookie.<br /><br />It tastes like looking into the abyss feels.<br /><br />It’s a terrorist.<br /><br />It’s numerical equivalent is .00000000000000000010001.<br /><br />It hates America.<br /><br />It is green nothingness.<br /><br />It’s not even that green.<br /><br />It adds nothing, subtracts nothing, multiplies nothing, and divides nothing. It is nothing.<br /><br />The opposite of celery is boobs.<br /><br />In the Garden of Eden, the “snake” that ruined everything was really celery.<br /><br />Many cultures call celery “the devil’s dong.”<br /><br />Celery violates the Geneva Conventions.<br /><br />Celery sucks.<br /><br />Celery has one ball, like Hitler.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-42307756920665659922012-01-01T12:27:00.002-05:002012-01-03T17:13:13.509-05:00New Year’s ResolutionsTo become a better person, but not so good that anyone benefits or notices or thinks it’s the start of a trend.<br /><br />To listen to my inner voice, especially when it says “Beer?” and “Hi, handsome.”<br /><br />To become part of something bigger than myself, like an angry mob.<br /><br />To accept that I have a drinking problem, but God has a plan for me, so hooray! I have a drinking blessing.<br /><br />To embrace my inner child, but not in a creepy way.<br /><br />To stop being a schmuck and start being a schlemiel.<br /><br />To stop working the word “<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">dingleberry</span>” into everything. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Heh</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">dingleberry</span>.<br /><br />To stop saying “I have one caveat!” until I learn what a caveat is.<br /><br />To use my millions to fund a private trip to the moon.<br /><br />To make millions.<br /><br />To make thousands.<br /><br />To put my resolution list in a more logical order.<br /><br />To stop putting lipstick on pigs, literally.<br /><br />To touch as many lives as I can, within the parameters of my parole.<br /><br />To vibrate with happiness, joy, and vibrators.<br /><br />To visualize what I want from life, using binoculars.<br /><br />To bring at least three paddles on my next Shit Creek vacation.<br /><br />To pick a doomsday that fits my lifestyle.<br /><br />To send a gift basket to Quetzalcoatl, in case his doomsday is the real one.<br /><br />To learn more about other people, like if any of them are my children.<br /><br />To teach my dog not to bite the wrong toddlers.<br /><br />To find out if silk pajamas count as business casual.<br /><br />To stop thinking about myself for five seconds.<br /><br />To buy a stopwatch so I can be sure when five seconds are up.<br /><br />To proofread and spellcheck my prophesies.<br /><br />To stop telling geeks and nerds, “You guys are really dweebs.”<br /><br />To stop telling <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">baristas</span> my milk preference is breast.<br /><br />To stop referring to my children as <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">crotchfruit</span>.<br /><br />To stop referring to my dogs as my children.<br /><br />To stop referring to kids on the playground as my dogs.<br /><br />To stop eating my emotions until I find a recipe for bacon-wrapped regret.<br /><br />To stop trying to stop things, because I sound so negative!<br /><br />To yodel my way to the top.<br /><br />To convince the world, or at least the world’s convenience-store owners, that a towel is pants.<br /><br />To learn to love myself, no matter how many masturbating lessons it takes.<br /><br />To admit that my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Kryptonite</span> is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Kryptonite</span>, because I am Superman.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-66671368094177954582011-12-21T07:57:00.000-05:002011-12-21T07:57:00.339-05:00Remedial Exorcism 101Welcome to class, Fathers! I appreciate your showing up mostly on time. I’m glad to see most of you brought crosses.<br /><br />Let’s be honest. I know none of you want to be in this class. You’re all here because you tried to do an exorcism and failed. I understand. I’ve been teaching Remedial Exorcism for 20 years, and I’ve seen it all, and I know where you’re coming from. Truth be told, I wasn’t the greatest exorcist myself. If I was, do you think I’d be teaching this class?<br /><br />It’s not your fault some of you don’t know holy water from coconut water. Popular culture has spread nothing but malarkey and hokum, from Linda Blair’s vomit to Ned Flanders’ exorcism tongs. The schools, both public and parochial, have done a terrible job preparing students for a future in exorcism. By the time you guys are ordained, you’re so far behind the eight ball I’m surprised we even let you do exorcisms anymore.<br /><br />Let’s start with the basics: you don’t drink the holy water. Let me say that again: don’t drink the holy water. Bring something else to drink—preferably not water—so you don’t get confused. I prefer ginger ale, but there’s no wrong beverage to drink during an exorcism. Except holy water, OK? Unless there’s a demon in your bladder, you’re wasting a precious gift of God.<br /><br />Also, you can’t just throw any liquid at a demon, even if you blessed it yourself. Yes, blessing things is pretty cool, but this is not a power you should be using willy-nilly. Splashing a cup of hot coffee at a demon-possessed host body will only harm the body and delight the demon. Demons love coffee. As a few of you already know, a demon is a lot less likely to depart after having a Jägerbomb.<br /><br />Let’s talk about reciting. You need to read from the Bible. The Bible is called the Good Book, which confuses some priests into thinking any good book is good enough. Untrue. The Collected Works of Shakespeare will do nothing to save the soul of a suffering innocent caught in the Satanic clutches of a demon. The newest Don DeLillo may impress the hipsters at the coffee shop, but hellbeasts are different. Your favorite Harry Potter novel is going to be even less helpful. Harry Potter is pro-demon, remember? Jesus, sometimes it’s hard to know which side you guys are on.<br /><br />Some of you may think I’m obsessed with trivialities, but I’m telling you every detail matters, and every impression counts. You need to instill fear and awe in that demon from the first second you enter the room. That’s never going to happen if you’re chatting with the demon about the latest episode of Breaking Bad or trying to “get digits,” as one of you recently put it. Also, it may not be in the Bible, but I can promise you that texting during an exorcism is a one-way ticket to spending eternity right next to the demon you’re fighting, assuming he every leaves this poor host body, and why should he, when his exorcist is such a rube?<br /><br />Let’s remember the purpose of an exorcism: to free an innocent, trapped person from the unyielding grasp of a demon. This isn’t about scoring points with your bishop or providing fodder for your blog. If you think you’re going to hell, an exorcism isn’t the time to ask the demon to “put a good word in” with Satan. You shouldn’t be asking the demon if hellhounds are all alike, or if there are helldoodles and hellhuahuas. Don’t ask if JFK or Milton Berle are in hell, or what was really going on in the Lost finale.<br /><br />Finally, I hope you all appreciate that the church is providing this course. We want you to be the best exorcists you can be, even if your righteousness is dubious and some of your crosses are made out of popsicle sticks. Do you think the devil bothers to provide a Demon 101 class for vile spirits who aren’t up to par?<br /><br />Let’s hope not. For God’s sake, let’s hope not.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-45597122107306712722011-12-20T12:14:00.001-05:002011-12-20T12:15:55.640-05:00Killbot Christmas CarolsI Saw Mombot Exterminating Santa Claus<br /><br />Have a Holly Jolly Bloodbath<br /><br />Rudolph the Red-eyed, Metallic, Indestructible Killing Machine<br /><br />All I Want for Christmas is an End to Humanity<br /><br />God Rest You Merry Roboticist<br /><br />I Heard the Screams on Christmas Day, and They Fulfilled My Programming<br /><br />Death to the World, At Least the Carbon-based Parts<br /><br />It’s the Most Killerful Time of the Year<br /><br />Grandma Got Run Over by a Robot<br /><br />It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Robopocalypse<br /><br />Have Yourself a Merry Little 010010010101001010Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-83773572940316713282011-12-13T20:51:00.005-05:002011-12-13T21:24:40.849-05:00The worst Twitter account in the world<!--[if gte 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mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height:115%; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SAfont-family:";font-size:11.0pt;" ></span>In the Popular Things That Make Me Lose My Marbles Department, I need to rant about the super-popular Twitter account @<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">shitgirlssay</span>.<br /><br />This account might be the most boring goddamn Twitter account I have ever read, and that is saying something. It consists of trite sentences like "I'm just kind of in a weird mood today" and "Are you busy tonight?" that are allegedly preferred by "girls," which I assume is supposed to mean women. That's it. There's nothing else to it. It's just inane, boring, short sentences.<br /><br />Is this supposed to be funny? Or interesting? I don't understand. 87,000 followers obviously have access to a secret decoder ring that I lack.<br /><br />The most maddening thing about the account is that very few of the sentences--which are stupefyingly boring, if I didn't mention that already--seem girl-centric at all. For example:<br /><br />"That's actually kinda nice."<br /><br />"It's such a beautiful day, you should get out and enjoy it."<br /><br />"I think I’m gonna start my own business."<br /><br />"Do you still keep in touch with anyone from high school?"<br /><br />"I cant believe its almost November."<br /><br />"What do I want to eat?"<br /><br />Who in the world--male or female, young or old, human or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Cylon</span>--would not say these things sometimes? What the holy hell does this have to do with girls/women? By the hammer of Thor, what am I missing?<br /><br />When you think about the amazing humor of @<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">shitmydadsays</span> and compare it to the absolute nothingness of @<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">shitgirlssay</span>... Well, I guess shit ain't shit anymore.<br /><br />On the upside, I suppose this is a good time to launch my own account @shitboyssay. Here's a preview of some of the hilarious, fascinating tweets:<br /><br />"Hi!"<br /><br />"Hey there!"<br /><br />"I'll have a hamburger."<br /><br />"What time is it?"<br /><br />"Whoops!"<br /><br />"Bye!"Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-17177770379596670782011-12-13T07:12:00.001-05:002011-12-13T07:12:01.780-05:00Ten things children are likeChildren are like snowflakes. In hell, they’re gonna melt pretty quickly.<br /><br />Children are like criminal scum. Batman hates ‘em.<br /><br />Children are like leggings. They’re not pants.<br /><br />Children are like spears. It’s rude to throw them at strangers.<br /><br />Children are like iced coffee. It’s harder to sell them in the winter.<br /><br />Children are like dreams. I probably have some, but I can’t remember.<br /><br />Children are like gifts. I’d rather get a gift card.<br /><br />Children are like desktop computers. I’m surprised anyone still makes them.<br /><br />Children are like rays of sunshine. They cause cancer.<br /><br />Children are like cinder blocks. If you drop them off the roof, someone could get hurt.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-82838838041750670372011-12-07T00:30:00.008-05:002011-12-07T14:49:13.586-05:00Sons of MalarkeyI usually try to save this blog for humor, but I had to rant a little about Tuesday's season finale of Sons of Anarchy. Spoilers on the way.<br /><br />Sons of Anarchy, you make me sad.<br /><br />I watched the first three seasons pretty attentively. Like a lot of folks, I thought season three was disappointing overall. I watched the premiere of season four and thought...eh. Looks repetitive and crappy. I then forgot about the show for weeks.<br /><br />Then, just after <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Piney</span> died, I caught an episode. I got sucked back in. I mean, sucked in like the portal at the end of Evil Dead 2. I was obsessed. The domino pieces that were falling blew my mind. I couldn't figure out how the show could go another episode, much less another season or three! I was re-hooked.<br /><br />During Thanksgiving week, when <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Opie</span> shot Clay, I was in narrative heaven. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Fuckin</span>' amazing. Yesterday, I was giddy for the season finale with a giddiness currently reserved for Breaking Bad and formerly reserved for The Shield (the greatest show of all-time, FYI).<br /><br />Unfortunately, Tuesday's finale was the biggest cop-out I have ever seen. Every huge event that was building--the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">ATF</span> sting, Juice as a rat, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Jax's</span> vengeance, Clay's need to be DEAD--was wiped away as irrelevant. Nothing mattered. It was a cop-out-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">pocalypse</span>. Dominoes that needed to fall just vanished into the air, because of contrived Irishmen, CIA-cartel alliances, and assorted silliness. It was a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">MacGuffin</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">geddon</span>.<br /><br />The biggest cop-out--<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Jax</span> not killing Clay--is the worst. This is the guy (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Jax</span>) who put a bullet in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Kohn's</span> head in season one, just like that, but he won't kill Clay, who killed his father, and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Piney</span>, and tried to kill his wife, and probably killed JFK and puppies too? Are you fucking kidding me?<br /><br />There is nothing that could make <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Jax</span>--a hothead, with amazing motivation, and even approval from his mom and wife!--not kill Clay. This is not <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">buyable</span>. This is not <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">swallowable</span>. The contrived, out-of-left-field reasons not to kill Clay <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">could've</span> been fine as part of the story: they would've laid the groundwork for a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">shitstorm</span> next season after <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">Jax</span> wasted Clay. But they don't come close to making narrative sense. Sorry. Clay had to go. If you weren't going to kill Clay, don't make the whole season feel like a rip-off without Clay's death! Don't let <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">Jax</span> (and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">Opie</span>) find out about all of Clay's sins. Maybe dial down Clay's mustache-twirling. Save that shit for season seven.<br /><br />You screwed the pooch, Kurt <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">Sutter</span>! You brought me to a peak of narrative <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">ecstasy</span> and then left me in an alley with my dick in my hand. It was a familiar feeling. No, not because of personal issues, but because of season three's finale, now that I think about it. After being shown the devastating story of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">Jax</span> ratting on the club, that was all wiped away in a second as an unseen club manipulation. Poof! In season four, problems again went away. Poof! That is shitty storytelling.<br /><br />In her review, <a href="http://www.aoltv.com/2011/12/06/sons-of-anarchy-season-finale-recap-jax-tara-gemma-clay/">Maureen Ryan</a> made a great comparison, which I'm paraphrasing here: This show <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">could've</span> been in the same league with Breaking Bad, but it's stuck in the Dexter zone, building huge stories with small endings that just reset everything. Nothing matters. Poof!<br /><br />I miss The Shield.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-54424039918962185392011-11-18T07:50:00.001-05:002011-11-18T07:50:00.287-05:00Five comparisonsFriends are like bags of nachos. I think I have one somewhere under my bed.<br /><br />Journalists are like dogs. They love to eat goose poop.<br /><br />Relationships are like cartels. I think they only exist in Mexico.<br /><br />Men are like cats. For the right woman, we’ll poop in a box.<br /><br />Good friends are like asteroids. They kill a lot of dinosaurs.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-57933488595144205682011-10-28T16:11:00.003-04:002011-10-28T16:21:16.582-04:00Occupy-paloozaI’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ve</span> gone a little nuts on Twitter with Occupy jokes inspired by the amazing slogan of <span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://occupysesamestreet.com/">Occupy Sesame Street</a>:</span><br /><br />“It puts 99% of the lotion in 1% of the basket.”<br />–Occupy Buffalo Bill<br /><br />“1% of the Jedi Knights are using 99% of the Force.”<br />–Occupy Star Wars<br /><br />“1% of the dingos are eating 99% of the babies.”<br />--Occupy Australia<br /><br />“1% of the Smurfs are banging 99% of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Smurfette</span>.”<br />–Occupy Smurf Village<br /><br />“1% of life is handing out 99% of the lemons.”<br />–Occupy Lemonade Stands<br /><br />“1% of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Cylons</span> are exterminating 99% of humanity.”<br />--Occupy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Battlestar</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Galactica</span><br /><br />So as not to over-Occupy my followers--and get this out of my system--here are ten more Occupy jokes for those who can stand it:<br /><br />“1% of the psychiatrists are eating 99% of the census takers.”<br />--Occupy Silence of the Lambs<br /><br />“1% of the bears are pooping in 99% of the woods.”<br />--Occupy Forests<br /><br />“1% of the pigs are wearing 99% of the lipstick.”<br />--Occupy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Clichés</span><br /><br />“1% of the guys with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">anterograde</span> amnesia are getting 99% of the creepy tattoos.”<br />--Occupy Memento<br /><br />“1% of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Starfleet</span> Captains are taking 99% of the pauses.”<br />--Occupy William <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Shatner</span><br /><br />“1% of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Yodas</span> are butchering 99% of the grammar.”<br />--Occupy Star Wars<br /><br />“1% of the Gods are giving 99% of the commandments.”<br />--Occupy Heaven<br /><br />“1% of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">hellhounds</span> are chewing off 99% of the genitals.”<br />--Occupy Hell<br /><br />“1% of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Kardashians</span> are banging 99% of the NBA.”<br />--Occupy Bimbos<br /><br />“1% of the fetuses are chowing down on 99% of the placentas.”<br />--Occupy Wombs<br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> 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mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]-->By now, we’re used to the latest <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Facebook</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">facelift</span>, but we <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">shouldn</span>’t get too comfortable: it’s only a matter of time before our most popular social applecart gets overturned again. And again and again and again. It’s worth using the site’s time-travel app to glimpse what future alterations have in store.<br /><br />2012: The end of the world is averted when <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Facebook</span> strikes a deal with Quetzalcoatl that downgrades the terrifying Mayan apocalypse to a fun <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Facebook</span> app.<br /><br />2014: Each <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Facebook</span> account begins automatically generating satirical Twitter accounts of your three favorite celebrities, plus your funniest parent, as determined by an algorithm that analyzes your private messages and therapist’s notes.<br /><br />2017: Everything typed in Microsoft Word now immediately uploads to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Facebook</span>, allowing near-instant feedback for novels, school papers, and suicide notes.<br /><br />2026: Mark <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Zuckerberg</span> announces plans to clone himself, so eventually every <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Facebook</span> user can friend and feed their own Mark <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Zuckerclone</span>.<br /><br />2031: The rest of the Internet is now included within <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Facebook</span> as a handy app.<br /><br />2033: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Nano</span>-voodoo technology enables real-life poking.<br /><br />2034: First <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Zuckerclone</span> emerges from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Zuckerpod</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">petri</span> farm.<br /><br />2036: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Facebook</span> buys the Oxford English Dictionary and replaces the phrase “being born” with “logging onto <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Facebook</span>.” Death is now “logging off.”<br /><br />2038: New placenta-cam app allows for even earlier sharing of baby pictures.<br /><br />2041: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">Facebook</span> acquires Earth. Like buttons appear on everyday objects, such as lampposts and toddlers.<br /><br />2147: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">Zuckerclones</span> enter teen years. A majority of Earthlings wish they could have that Mayan apocalypse back, but Quetzalcoatl cannot be located, as he was never allowed a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">Facebook</span> account.<br /><br />2203: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">Facebook</span> cures the common cold after <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">friending</span> and then annihilating all germs.<br /><br />2209: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">Facebook</span> becomes even more interactive when it buys the solar system. Enormous Like buttons are installed on the sun and moon, using the labor of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">Zuckerclones</span>, who now outnumber rats. Fearing backlash, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">Zuckerberg</span> threatens to put a paywall over the sun if critics don’t shut up.<br /><br />2221: Facebook now makes toast: delicious toast.<br /><br />2312: In addition to “Married,” “In a relationship,” “Single,” and “It’s complicated,” Facebook adds “Happy with my Zuckerclone, thank you.”<br /><br />2491: Zuckerclone wars begin.<br /><br />2503: Zuckerbot—containing the brain and profile of the original Mark Zuckerberg—announces new Facebook headquarters on moon, plus an imitative to friend UFOs before his warring clone armies do.<br /><br />3156: Facebook now available on all killbots, greatly enhancing the last moments of many lives.<br /><br />4199: Zuckerclones make peace, ending centuries of lost lives, robots, and vacation photos.<br /><br />4200: Facebook acquires the Milky Way.<br /><br />4201: Total Facebook control of the universe is achieved. Every aspect of time, space, and reality is subsumed within the website.<br /><br />4202: A dislike button is introduced.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-90675543357705037782011-10-11T10:50:00.004-04:002011-10-11T11:22:42.216-04:00A vision of the end of Breaking BadAs I laid my weary body down to sleep last night, I was thinking--as usual--about <span style="font-style: italic;">Breaking Bad</span>, which fascinates me 2341 times more than anything about my own life. While counting <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">meth</span> labs and trying to fall asleep, I caught a bleary glimpse of the end of the series.<br /><br />Since TV writers love symmetry and parallels so much, I wonder if the final development/image of the show might be a callback to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Tio</span> and his bell of hell.<br /><br />How is this possible? It's very possible if Walter--through some combo of cancer and getting shot to hell, probably by Jesse--ends up in a nursing home like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Tio</span>: incontinent, mute, powerless, and with the same goddamn bell.<br /><br />Maybe someone will show up to torture Walt too, like Gus tortured <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Tio</span>. That could be Jesse, Hank, or even Skyler or Walt Jr., if anyone from Walt's family is still alive at that point.<br /><br />Am I cuckoo for Heisenberg puffs or would this be a perfect fate for Walter? Jail and death are too good for him, but for a guy with a metric <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">assload</span> of pride, total helplessness seems like a fitting end.<br /><br />What do you think? Am I a genius? Or just the greatest prophet who ever lived?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-3098664825472859672011-10-04T07:46:00.000-04:002011-10-04T07:46:00.566-04:00Five HitlersSalad is the Hitler of lunch.<br /><br />Morning is the Hitler of the day.<br /><br />Tom’s of Maine is the Hitler of toothpaste.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">LinkedIn</span> invitations are the Hitler of emails.<br /><br />People are the Hitler of mammals.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-15782422376257721462011-09-23T16:48:00.007-04:002011-09-23T17:08:37.783-04:00The dong-capping, shit-boxing lexicon of @MayorEmanuelOnly 11 pages in, I am already awed by the insanely creative obscenities of <span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/ing-Epic-Twitter-Quest-MayorEmanuel/dp/1451655142">The F***<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ing</span></span> Epic Twitter Quest of @<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">MayorEmanuel</span></span></a></span> by <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/dansinker">Dan Sinker</a>. This Twitter feed/book obviously has huge merit in the humor and Chicago-politics departments, but it could rewrite the slang lexicon too.<br /><br />The new (or at least rare) terms include:<br /><br />twat-rainbow<br />snatch-warbler<br />dong-berries<br />shit-coffin<br />shit-scratching<br />cock-bleeding<br />cock-handed<br />twat-cobbler<br />shit-boxed<br />dong-capping<br />fuck-hat<br />cock-socked<br />twat-fingered<br />dick-trimming<br />shit-sorcerer<br />cock-soaked<br />muff-shitting<br />fuck-tower<br />dong-fountain<br />fuck-topper<br />shit-sad<br />cock-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">tard</span></span><br />fuck-smack<br />shit-coughing<br />fuck-tank<br />cock-bulb<br />Jesus fucking Christ-on-a-Cock<br /><br />Holy shit-coughing obscenity, Batman! Sinker has, single-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">fuckedly</span></span>, added as much to the obscene lexicon as a branch of the military. Good fucking job, sir.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-21475321089315149092011-09-15T18:39:00.002-04:002011-09-15T18:49:24.602-04:00I want to have Neko Case's babiesIf you don't know, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Neko</span> Case is pretty much the best singer in the history of the universe. You probably know that.<br /><br />But did you know she is one of the funniest motherfuckers on Twitter? Here's a recent stream of raps she just posted:<br /><br />"My dicks too tight tonight, gonna take top-prize in a dick-sword fight"<br /><br />"Hammer dick on the chain, gonna build a come gazebo on your face, McCain"<br /><br />"My dick is a pontoon boat, you can buy one at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Cabella's</span> with a camouflaged coat..."<br /><br />"I'm <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">washin</span>' balls, what's the commotion?! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Theyre</span> displacing all the water in the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">motherfuckin</span>' OCEAN!"<br /><br />"My balls has guns and a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Loomis</span> guard, cause all the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">motherfuckin</span>' ladies want my babies so hard"..<br /><br />"Dick is exhausting to drag around, I use it as a mattress when I gotta lay down.."<br /><br />"My balls are <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">gi</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">normous</span> and my frosting supreme, J Lo bought 2 cases to use for face cream.."<br /><br />Then, she got ladylike:<br /><br />"I'm a white-hot delinquent with multiple <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">clits</span>, my taco pants fit like oven mitts! FIREPROOF MOTHERFUCKER!"<br /><br />Read it and weep <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/NekoCase">here</a>.<br /><br />I love you and your balls, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Neko</span>.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-6688462664192130732011-09-04T07:28:00.000-04:002011-09-04T07:28:00.076-04:00Five thoughts about wordsMartian word of the year is <span style="font-style: italic;">fgyrggfjhnoooxi</span>—inspired by the kgkgyl-yyyywy scandal.<br /><br />In Klingon, there is no word for pork pie hat.<br /><br />Despite my best efforts and boyhood dreams, I doubt my obituary will include the word <span style="font-style: italic;">rootin’-tootin’</span>.<br /><br />There is no more beautiful word in the English language than <span style="font-style: italic;">bacon-wrapped</span>.<br /><br />If it weren’t for Daffy Duck, I bet the word <span style="font-style: italic;">despicable</span> would have more gravitas.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-63486896220129862162011-08-24T07:14:00.000-04:002011-08-24T07:14:00.494-04:00Five hatesI hate when my girlfriend and succubus argue.
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<br />I hate when the doorman won’t let me into a portal to another dimension. Not on the list, my ass.
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<br />I hate people who blindly support their solar system regardless of what’s best for the galaxy.
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<br />I hate when my dog eats nasty, disgusting stuff off the ground, especially after I called dibs.
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<br />I hate when I forget to eat lunch or appease Satan.
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-84276148133243747782011-08-12T07:02:00.000-04:002011-08-12T07:02:00.728-04:00ProverbsI’d like to share some words of wisdom that have been passed down in my family for generations. I hope they help you find your path. Or at least your pants.
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<br />Never say "I love you" or “Your mom’s a whore” just to be polite.
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<br />You don’t need religion to be a kind, decent person who barbecues orphans for a living.
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<br />If you have to step on someone’s dreams, do it in bunny slippers.
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<br />It’s always the children who suffer when bears eat them.
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<br />Don’t count your chickens till you learn the basics of mathematics.
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<br />Men are like fish. We must obey any order from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Aquaman</span>, no matter how repugnant.
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<br />It’s better to put corn in your <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">piehole</span> than pie in your <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">cornhole</span>.
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<br />It’s better to have loved and lost than to have webbed feet.
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<br />Single people worried about dying alone need to be proactive. Join a book club or suicide cult.
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<br />Career advancement <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">shouldn</span>’t be a popularity contest. It should be a pie-eating contest.
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<br />Some things are just easier to replace than clean, like shower curtains and babies.
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<br />Good fences make really good neighbors if you add a glory hole.
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<br />People who live in glass houses <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">shouldn</span>’t be birds.
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<br />However, people who live in glass houses should be Christina Hendricks naked.
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<br />But people as dumb as a box of rocks should not throw stones.
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<br />Grain alcohol before beer, never fear. Crystal <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">meth</span> before wine, you’ll be fine.
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<br />Loose lips sink ships, but loose bowels ruin towels. So that evens out.
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<br />Finally, remember... Sex will never solve your problems. It will only make your problems sexier.
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-23114110824184141182011-08-05T19:24:00.001-04:002011-08-05T19:27:18.313-04:00My online dating profile(This is my actual new profile. I thought it had enough entertainment value to post here. Needless to say, I soon expect to get more ass than a Martian anal-probe).<br /><br />So I’ve basically given up all hope for online dating, which seems like the perfect time to post a new profile.<br /><br />I’d love to blame online dating for my lack of dating success, but the truth is I’m terrible at just about every aspect of dating.<br /><br />Part of the problem is I just don’t like most people, so it’s hard to find someone I want to do anything with, much less date. Also, when I do find someone I like, I get a little too excited about it and then usually blow it with over-enthusiasm. These are the great experiences I can offer you, ladies of Chicago!<br /><br />Let’s see... What else seems important...<br /><br />I think “dingleberry” is one of the best words around. “Higgledy-piggledy” is also solid.<br /><br />If you have a relentlessly positive attitude, please aim it at someone else. If you regularly say things like “Everything happens for a reason” or “I work hard and play hard,” please go away hard.<br /><br />If you like Larry David and Louis CK, that probably bodes well.<br /><br />If you believe in God, Jesus, angels, Xenu, or anything like that, we won’t get along. I hate smoking, but I can tolerate smoke better than religion. However, I welcome UFO enthusiasts, because that stuff is fun. I would love to meet someone who could explain why my butt hurts.<br /><br />Some of the things I admire women for are their strength, courage, and boobs.<br /><br />I tend to get along with women who are some kind of artists, or women who are in a helping profession, like teachers, social workers, etc. Oh, and I love librarians. I would probably go out with a librarian based on that fact alone. If you do financial-business-anything, I would love to marry you for your money, but I’ll probably be too bored to get through more than one beer with you. Sorry. I have some kind of faulty chromosome that steers me away from activities and people that make money, which explains why I’ve been a summer camp counselor, a juggler, an English grad student, and (someday probably) a hobo.<br /><br />Sorry my pictures are a little out of date. Just imagine me looking slightly older and crappier. Actually, imagine me looking much, much, much crappier. Then I’ll look really good when we meet.<br /><br />I love dogs, and I have a rat terrier. I like cats, but I’m allergic to cats. However, some of them aren’t so bad on my respiratory system. Only a few cats make me feel like Darth Vader is choking me out. I also love any excuse to take Benadryl.<br /><br />I should probably mention something positive about myself, so...I guess I can be funny? I wrote this joke, which kind of applies to the current situation:<br /><br />You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you realize you have a terrible bestiality problem.<br /><br />I guess I’m smart, based on being an overeducated freelance writer and writing teacher. I’m one of those “smart” people without common sense, so I’m definitely a bit of a buttmunch too. I go to the gym, but not enough to look good—just enough to keep myself from being totally disgusting. I hate the gym.<br /><br />Hey, I just remembered how awful most guys are, so maybe these traits are big pluses: I am employed! I shower! I’m not 100% douchey! The bar for seeming like a decent guy can be frighteningly low, and I am definitely a good centimeter or two above that bar.<br /><br />So, to sum up, in a grammatically dubious sentence:<br /><br />If you’re sick of dating but still have a shred of hope, if you are a negative person who thinks that is a positive way to be, if you are godless and dog-liking, if you want to meet a guy who is pretty much the worst dater in the world, and if you have boobs, please drop me a line. Thank you.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7298197.post-41986470496403428522011-08-03T07:26:00.000-04:002011-08-03T07:26:00.811-04:00Five thoughts about food babiesUgh... Ouch... Ohhh... My Indian food baby just ate my kidneys. Now he’s chewing my spleen. Why didn’t I go to Lamaze class???<br /><br />Ah... Nothing like coffee to facilitate the safe delivery of a healthy food baby, It's a boy!<br /><br />Who’s up for a food baby shower?<br /><br />Overheard: “Which way do I flush the toilet, up or down?” Depends if you want your food baby to go to heaven or hell.<br /><br />There’s a party in my stomach, and everyone’s pistol-whipping my food baby.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0