Friday, October 28, 2011

Occupy-palooza

I’ve gone a little nuts on Twitter with Occupy jokes inspired by the amazing slogan of Occupy Sesame Street:

“It puts 99% of the lotion in 1% of the basket.”
–Occupy Buffalo Bill

“1% of the Jedi Knights are using 99% of the Force.”
–Occupy Star Wars

“1% of the dingos are eating 99% of the babies.”
--Occupy Australia

“1% of the Smurfs are banging 99% of Smurfette.”
–Occupy Smurf Village

“1% of life is handing out 99% of the lemons.”
–Occupy Lemonade Stands

“1% of the Cylons are exterminating 99% of humanity.”
--Occupy Battlestar Galactica

So as not to over-Occupy my followers--and get this out of my system--here are ten more Occupy jokes for those who can stand it:

“1% of the psychiatrists are eating 99% of the census takers.”
--Occupy Silence of the Lambs

“1% of the bears are pooping in 99% of the woods.”
--Occupy Forests

“1% of the pigs are wearing 99% of the lipstick.”
--Occupy Clich├ęs

“1% of the guys with anterograde amnesia are getting 99% of the creepy tattoos.”
--Occupy Memento

“1% of the Starfleet Captains are taking 99% of the pauses.”
--Occupy William Shatner

“1% of the Yodas are butchering 99% of the grammar.”
--Occupy Star Wars

“1% of the Gods are giving 99% of the commandments.”
--Occupy Heaven

“1% of the hellhounds are chewing off 99% of the genitals.”
--Occupy Hell

“1% of the Kardashians are banging 99% of the NBA.”
--Occupy Bimbos

“1% of the fetuses are chowing down on 99% of the placentas.”
--Occupy Wombs

Bad nicknames for nipples

Little rascals

Paparazzi’s joy

Weathermen

Sticky-outies

Show-offs

Mike and Mike in the morning

Fred and Wilma

Cain and Abel

Nozzles

Co-presidents of mammary operations

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Future Facebook Facelifts

By now, we’re used to the latest Facebook facelift, but we shouldn’t get too comfortable: it’s only a matter of time before our most popular social applecart gets overturned again. And again and again and again. It’s worth using the site’s time-travel app to glimpse what future alterations have in store.

2012: The end of the world is averted when Facebook strikes a deal with Quetzalcoatl that downgrades the terrifying Mayan apocalypse to a fun Facebook app.

2014: Each Facebook account begins automatically generating satirical Twitter accounts of your three favorite celebrities, plus your funniest parent, as determined by an algorithm that analyzes your private messages and therapist’s notes.

2017: Everything typed in Microsoft Word now immediately uploads to Facebook, allowing near-instant feedback for novels, school papers, and suicide notes.

2026: Mark Zuckerberg announces plans to clone himself, so eventually every Facebook user can friend and feed their own Mark Zuckerclone.

2031: The rest of the Internet is now included within Facebook as a handy app.

2033: Nano-voodoo technology enables real-life poking.

2034: First Zuckerclone emerges from Zuckerpod petri farm.

2036: Facebook buys the Oxford English Dictionary and replaces the phrase “being born” with “logging onto Facebook.” Death is now “logging off.”

2038: New placenta-cam app allows for even earlier sharing of baby pictures.

2041: Facebook acquires Earth. Like buttons appear on everyday objects, such as lampposts and toddlers.

2147: Zuckerclones enter teen years. A majority of Earthlings wish they could have that Mayan apocalypse back, but Quetzalcoatl cannot be located, as he was never allowed a Facebook account.

2203: Facebook cures the common cold after friending and then annihilating all germs.

2209: Facebook becomes even more interactive when it buys the solar system. Enormous Like buttons are installed on the sun and moon, using the labor of Zuckerclones, who now outnumber rats. Fearing backlash, Zuckerberg threatens to put a paywall over the sun if critics don’t shut up.

2221: Facebook now makes toast: delicious toast.

2312: In addition to “Married,” “In a relationship,” “Single,” and “It’s complicated,” Facebook adds “Happy with my Zuckerclone, thank you.”

2491: Zuckerclone wars begin.

2503: Zuckerbot—containing the brain and profile of the original Mark Zuckerberg—announces new Facebook headquarters on moon, plus an imitative to friend UFOs before his warring clone armies do.

3156: Facebook now available on all killbots, greatly enhancing the last moments of many lives.

4199: Zuckerclones make peace, ending centuries of lost lives, robots, and vacation photos.

4200: Facebook acquires the Milky Way.

4201: Total Facebook control of the universe is achieved. Every aspect of time, space, and reality is subsumed within the website.

4202: A dislike button is introduced.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A vision of the end of Breaking Bad

As I laid my weary body down to sleep last night, I was thinking--as usual--about Breaking Bad, which fascinates me 2341 times more than anything about my own life. While counting meth labs and trying to fall asleep, I caught a bleary glimpse of the end of the series.

Since TV writers love symmetry and parallels so much, I wonder if the final development/image of the show might be a callback to Tio and his bell of hell.

How is this possible? It's very possible if Walter--through some combo of cancer and getting shot to hell, probably by Jesse--ends up in a nursing home like Tio: incontinent, mute, powerless, and with the same goddamn bell.

Maybe someone will show up to torture Walt too, like Gus tortured Tio. That could be Jesse, Hank, or even Skyler or Walt Jr., if anyone from Walt's family is still alive at that point.

Am I cuckoo for Heisenberg puffs or would this be a perfect fate for Walter? Jail and death are too good for him, but for a guy with a metric assload of pride, total helplessness seems like a fitting end.

What do you think? Am I a genius? Or just the greatest prophet who ever lived?

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Five Hitlers

Salad is the Hitler of lunch.

Morning is the Hitler of the day.

Tom’s of Maine is the Hitler of toothpaste.

LinkedIn invitations are the Hitler of emails.

People are the Hitler of mammals.