Tuesday, November 30, 2004

fuckheaditude

noun. A state of being characterized by fuckheadedness.

Real citation: "Bob displayed his usual fuckheaditude when he forgot to pick up milk on the way home as his wife had asked."
(Paula Light, email message, Nov. 13, 2004)

Made-up citation: "Not every fuckhead has fuckheaditude, just as not every meathead has meat."

non-men-type-people

noun. Women.

Real citation: "The WaPo takes a look deep inside its own navel today, and apparently the non-white- and non-men-type-people over there are getting restless in the light of a promotion of some white dude to the vacant managing editor slot."
("WaPo: White People In Favor of Fewer Stories," Nov. 19, 2004, Wonkette,
http://www.wonkette.com/politics/media/index.php#wapo-white-people-in-favor-of-fewer-stories-026029)

Made-up citation: "According to George Carlin, all penis-possessors are stupid and all non-men-type-people are insane."

Monday, November 29, 2004

chest-thrusty

adj. Having a fully-extended, prominently-puffed-out mammary region.

Related terms: chesty, thrustage, chest-thrustage, boob-thrustage, hip-thrustage, pelvic-thrustage.

Real citation: "I am about ten years too old not to bristle when somebody calls me dude. I get all chest-thrusty to hint that "Hey, man, I'm a girl." In that context, man is gender neutral too."
(Maggie Balistrieri, "Sub: Dude," Nov. 8, 2004, Cafe Mo, http://cafemo.blogspot.com/2004/11/sub-dude.html)

Made-up citation: "If that asswipe gets all chest-thrusty about philosophy and fuck-all one more time, I am gonna kick him in the ding-ding."

senior exorcist

noun. An experienced exorcist who has administrative duties in addition to the daily routine of driving demons from their host bodies.

Real citation: "Fr Gabriel Amorth is the well respected senior exorcist of Rome."
("Catholic/ChurchAndSatanism," http://cygnus.homelinux.net:4242/Catholic/
ChurchAndSatanism)

Made-up citation: "If I don't make senior exorcist this year, I'm going to grad school."

Sunday, November 28, 2004

pseudo-speedo

noun. A banana hammock that is bursting at the seams with swollen manhood, not integrity.

Real citation: "Even if you were never a regular of WWF's hour of sweaty, pseudo-Speedo bedecked male wrestlers, you probably knew the name: Hulk Hogan. Hogan, famous for wresting a scanty yellow tank top from his well built upper torso, later surprised many fans of the wrestling world by admitting he had taken steroids. Unfortunately, Hogan's use of these drugs is but one part of a growing trend found largely among men today to use testosterone or testosterone-related supplements for the purpose of improving athletic ability or physical appearance."
(Nina Cann-Woode, "INNOVATION: We'll make a man out of you - AndroGel cream revives steroid health concerns," The Stanford Daily, http://daily.stanford.edu/daily/servlet/tempo?page=content&id=1374&repository=0001_article)

Made-up citation: "Around these parts, Casual Friday is only a prelude to Pseudo-speedo Saturday."


bodily-fluids-imbibing

present participle. Slurping up of that yummy-yet-diverse wet stuff that comes out of people and other critters.

Real citation: "Those with input as the series closes down are most definitely boys. He's dispatched his werewolf girlfriend Nina (Jenny Mollen) on a jet plane and has turned to his own inner circle. Lorne, Gunn, Wes, and Spike ("I'm not wearing any amulets!") all join in with Angel's plan (and he does have one, despite his seeming corruption by absolute power these past few weeks), during a ritual agreement bit that closes the penultimate episode "Power Play" to fight the power, namely, the Circle of the Black Thorn, those grisly, extreme demons who do the Senior Partners' work on earth -- including those present as Angel's "initiation," the bodily-fluids-imbibing Vail (Dennis Christopher), pasty Archduke Sebassis (Leland Crooke), and slippery Senator Bruckner (Stacey Travis). "
(Cynthia Fuchs, "Forever," Reel Images Magazine, http://www.reelimagesmagazine.com/txt_reviews/reelreview_tv.htm)

Made-up citation: "Bodily-fluids-imbibing is a gross hobby, sure, but it can't be much worse than pea-soup-making."

Saturday, November 27, 2004

patron anorexic cokehead twin

noun. A wispy, two-of-a-kind coke monkey that answers prayers for other wispy, two-of-a-kind coke monkeys.

Related terms: patron saint, patron disaster-twin, patron douchegirl, patron skank, primordial skank.

Real citation: "Saturday is officially the Best Day Ever In The History Of New York. Why? Obviously because that's when our patron anorexic cokehead twin, Mary-Kate Olsen, returns to our open arms and gets back to doing whatever it is she does here. Skipping classes and not eating, we think. Whatever, we're just SO HAPPY TO HAVE HER BACK."
("Mary-Kate Still Loves Us," Oct. 27, 2004, http://www.gawker.com/topic/marykate-still-loves-us-024325.php)

Made-up citation: "If you pray to America's patron anorexic cokehead twin, you'll get a bag of the good stuff and no sandwiches under your pillow."

laptoplessness

noun. A sad condition, with no laptops to be found.

Real citation: "I've just picked up one of these little Averatechs after many years of laptoplessness and several months of shopping around. My primary considerations: cheap, reasonably durable, and light/small. I mainly needed something for maximally-portable wireless ..."
(lossf, "A good inexpensive solution," Sept. 18, 2004, Epinions.com, http://www.epinions.com/pr-Averatec_3225HS_AMD_ATHLON_XPM-2000_40GB_512MB_DVD_CDRW_WL-G_12-XGA_XPH_av3225hs20_PC_Notebook/display_
~reviews/pp_~1/sort_~prdrt/sort_dir_~des/sec_~opinion_list)

Made-up citation: "Due to my laptoplessness, I am enjoying very little toplessness in the airport."

Friday, November 26, 2004

horrendo-mom

noun. A bad, bad mommy.

Real citation: "I can't tell where they're going with the Ava/Adrian thing. I'm not sure I want to know. Although I do agree that Ava's in a position to recognize another bad mother in Julia's horrendo-Mom. snarkella, I expect they learn the secret handshake at those Destructive Aggressive Mommies of the Nation Unite! meetings. "
(Sandman, Sept. 17, 2004, Television Without Pity, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=2864952&st=3960)

Made-up citation: "The screaming children on the airplane made me want to stick in fork in my eye, but I'd scream too if I had a horrendo-mom like that."

prolifera

noun. A proliferation; a plethora; a whole bunch of something.

Real citation: “Tulsa is a unique international community, with ethnic and national groups of Africans, Hispanics, Jews, Muslims, Native Americans and many others It's a great place for students who want to experience an array of sporting, entertainment, and cultural activities Photos on this page courtesy of Don Sibley The rolling hills of northeastern Oklahoma are considered a sportsman's paradise, where a prolifera of wild life abound From the Spring National NHRA Drag Racing finals at the Tulsa International Raceway, Western Athletic Conference basketball, football , and other sports, the Tulsa Zoo, Tulsa Ballet Theatre, Tulsa Philharmonic, Tulsa Opera, local museums, annual jazz festivals, Bell's Amusement Park and Tulsa area parks and recreation areas, there is always plenty for students to see and do.”
(“Spartan,” Jayde, http://dir.jayde.com/profile10023503-spartan.html)

Made-up citation: "Contrary to popular belief, prolifera is not a drug, and it will not help motivate your lethargic sperm."

Thursday, November 25, 2004

lickable fragrance product

noun. A tasty, smelly, romantic, tongue-worthy, uh...product.

Real citation: “Though she doesn't really need to, Jessica Simpson is counting calories for her two latest projects. The singer introduced her new line of lickable fragrance products this week, and she's also become a workout fiend to prepare for her upcoming feature-film debut. At New York's Sephora on Tuesday, Simpson said that she co-created Taste, the latest offshoot of her Dessert body-care line, to smell and taste like her favourite smells of childhood - especially the cake batter in the kitchen that signalled something tasty and decadent was on the way. ”
(“Simpsons Launches Lickable Fragrances,” MYVe.com, Oct, 7, 2004, http://www.mtve.com/article.php?ArticleId=5019)

Made-up citation: “Schmoopy-poopy-woopy…your lickable fragrance product is so minty!”

spokes-fembot

noun. A female robot who speaks for other female robots.

Real citation: "Rice assured eager viewers every Parcells comeback game would be nationally televised. "Now that NFL Sunday Ticket is available on your PDA and can be beamed to the backs of the lens of your sunglasses," Rice said, "no one will miss a single second of Parcells grimacing on the sidelines or standing at midfield hugging someone he once stabbed in the back." A spokes-fembot for ABCCBSCNNCOMCASTNBCMSNBCFOX, which carries NFL games, predicted record ratings. "
(Gregg Easterbrook, “Tuesday Morning Quarterback,” Football Outsiders, November 18, 2003, http://www.footballoutsiders.com/ramblings.php?p=82&cat=7)

Made-up citation: "If you let your spokes-fembot be my girlfriend-bot, I'll let my howler monkey be your sex monkey."

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Leprechaun liberals, Scrooge McDuck, and sexual-fuckin-intercourse

“Liberal” is almost as dirty a word as “poo-gobbler” these days. Upon receiving the liberal label, most politicians’ skin sizzles and smokes like they were hit with holy water. Two of the more popular terms are “limousine liberal” and “latte liberal,” which remind me very much of other alliterative gems like “lipstick lesbian” and “lipstick librarian.” Though limousine-less, I’m a pretty liberal guy myself, and I think my fellow commie pinkos and surrender monkeys deserve a few new names—here’s a start: liverwurst liberals, Led Zeppelin liberals, la-la land liberals, lustbunny liberals, lounge lizard liberals, liquid lunch liberals, liver-lifter liberals, leprechaun liberals, lobster-liberator liberals, love handle liberals, leprosy liberals, lunar probe liberals, luchadore liberals, latchkey liberals, low-bandwidth liberals, and llama-licking liberals.

On most subjects, I don’t know diddly-squat. On many subjects, I don’t know diddly-shit. On some subjects, I don’t even know diddly-fuck. However, on a subject or two, I do know diddly-poo.

My favorite primate is the bonobo, a species that consists of—how do I put this delicately?—sex maniacs. Bonobos will have sex not only at the drop of a hat, but at the sale of a hat, the sight of a hat, the tipping of a hat, and even the adjusting of a hat. They do it heterosexually, homosexually, incestuously, and quite religiously, using many positions that some thought were unique to us human sex monkeys. Anyway, in the book Tree of Origin, Francis de Waal notes how these simian sexcapades make it hard for the boy bonobos to know whose spawn is whose. Then de Waal wrote this sentence, which I kind of enjoyed: “Male bonobos are obviously not keeping records; they are merely attracted to large, pink genital swellings.” Aren’t we all… On a non-bonobo note, my second favorite sentence this week is a brave admission by Ralph Wiggum: “I want to be a triangle.” Don’t we all…

Because somebody has to, I’ve noticed a great type of word: words with tudes, and I mean that literally. In my in-progress Dictionary of Words That Don’t Belong in Dictionaries, I’ve already included great words like “agro-goofitude” and “jackassitude,” and there are plenty I’ve found that might make the cut later, such as “funkitude,” “punkitude,” “hunkitude,” “girlitude,” “womanitude,” “barfitude,” “lunchitude,” “pornitude,” “hornitude,” “hottitude,” “lustitude,” “skankitude,” “stankitude,” “crotchitude,” “crapitude,” “creepitude,” “boobitude,” “orgasmitude,” “assholitude,” “buttholitude,” “what-the-fuckitude,” and—finally, the lovely and talented—“cluster-fuckitude.”

If a nutjob gave a blow job to a whackjob, and then the whackjob gave a knob job to the nutjob, would the economy improve?

Though I like lame ducks, lucky ducks, rubber ducks, dead ducks, black-bellied whistling ducks, ugly ducklings, and Scrooge McDuck just fine, my favorite duck will always be Peking duck.

Here’s a question for the guys out there: Do you bash the bishop or bash the banana? Usually, my blue-veined custard-chucker feels like a long yellow fruit, but occasionally it does seem like more of a high-ranking official of the Catholic church.

In Bill Casselman’s Canadian Sayings, there are plenty of colorful expressions, but few so intriguing as “He’s so sneaky, I wouldn’t trust him in a shithouse with a knife and fork.” I think we all know a few people—or relatives—who fit this disgusting bill, and thanks to Casselman, we have a new (or possibly old) way to introduce them to prospective employers. This expression is ripe for alteration, as there are a lot of other objects that we probably wouldn’t trust such a person with in the little boys’ or girls’ room, such as: an egg-beater, a vegomatic, tongs, tweezers, pliers, a strainer, chopsticks, salt and pepper shakers, an eye-dropper, a plate, a hammer, and a spoon.

The words of the week:
10) Chowderheaded
9) Pish-posh
8) Winkie-wiggling
7) Lickspittle
6) Schnockered
5) Brouhaha
4) Hog-bosom
3) Pre-misinterpreted
2) Sexual-fuckin-intercourse
1) Nunliness

One of my favorite clich├ęs is “spinning in your grave.” Maybe I have no respect for the dead, or maybe I just like things that spin (basketballs, tops, news stories, the little girl’s head in The Exorcist, etc.) a little too much, but I rather like the idea of the dearly departed having a post-mortem twirl. Sports announcers aren’t usually known for their creativity, but NBA studio commentator Charles Barkley has broken that stereotype by giving this already amusing expression a new, uh, spin: Sometime last year, after a spectacularly embarrassing Boston loss, Barkley insisted that Celtics (living) legends Larry Bird and Kevin McHale were spinning in their graves. On other nights, I’ve heard Barkley describe other pre-dead basketballers like Patrick Ewing and Julius Erving as doing similar post-life exercise routines. In the name of creativity and comedy, I think we should take a cue from Barkley and spread this broader and loonier usage like a VD. And if you don’t help me do so, I’ll be spinning in my grave all afternoon.

Monday, November 22, 2004

santorum-smudged

adj. Stained, soiled, smeared, or otherwise fouled by the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

Real citation: "Thank you for the perspective-inducing mental image, JM. You're right: American gays aren't swinging from the ends of ropes attached to cranes for wanting to have marital sex. As silver linings go, it's pretty thin, but I'm happy to have it.
I'm sorry to say, though, that you're going to read about politics in this week's column--but only because I'm running your letter, JM. And I'm only running it so that I can swear, on my santorum-smudged Bible, that I'm getting back to sex."
(Dan Savage, "Back to Sex," The Stranger, Nov. 18, 2004, http://www.thestranger.com/2004-11-18/savage.html)

Made-up citation: "Better a santorum-smudged sock than a syrup-smeared sweatshirt, as Mom used to say."

at the whim of a hat

idiom. At the drop of a hat.

Real citation: “Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
(George W. Bush, “Bushism of the Day,” Slate, Sept. 17, 2004, http://slate.msn.com/id/2106877/)

Made-up citation: "Fellow evil-doers, be ready to smite the money-humping freedom monkeys. Be ready at the whim of a hat!"

Sunday, November 21, 2004

wackassitude

noun. A situation characterized (or infested) by a wanker/asswipe. Also: wackass, whackass, whackassness, assitude, jackassitude, assholitude, buttholitude

Real citation: "I was wondering if you knew a word for this type of person.... I recently walked in on a guy wacking off in a public bathroom...would you say he had, extreme wackassitude? "
(Karen Yacobucci, email message, Nov. 16, 2004)

Made-up citation: "How many of Shakespeare's sonnets rhyme 'jackassitude' and 'wackassitude?'"


he-slut

noun. A male ho-bag. Also: man-slut, boy-slut.

Real citation: "Carter plays a man cuckolded by the adorable he-slut Alfie, who steals Susan Sarandon out from under him. As close readers of this site's 'content' know, Carter's dealings with Hollywood have received much scrutiny this year. (You nailed a magazine editor for earning $100,000 from a movie studio, but you couldn't do anything about Dick Cheney's deferred Halliburton payments? Great job, journalists!) "
("What's It All About, Graydon? " Nov. 5, 2004, Gawker, http://www.gawker.com/topic/whats-it-all-about-graydon-025068.php)

Made-up citation: "There's a fine line between a mimbo and a he-slut. Well, not really."

Saturday, November 20, 2004

dorkfuck

noun. A fucking dork; a freaking dork; a frigging dork; a goddamn dork.

Real citation: "On another note, I swear the law library is run by nazis. There has been some dorkfuck patrolling the area near where I am studying, thus preventing me from busting out my diet cola action. Its proabably all warm and nasty by now. Hope he is gone after I finish this message. "
(Thug, May 21, 2001, http://ninjabunny.org/cgi-bin/boardpower/misc.cgi?action=replyquote&forum=1&discussion=155&p=12)

Made-up citation: "Hey dorkfuck! Will you write me a letter of recommendation?"

Friday, November 19, 2004

the Rat gods

noun. Divine rodent-like beings of awesome power. Possibly not to be trusted.

Real citation: "Some people say that George Bush should be run down and sacrificed to the Rat gods. But not me. No. I say it would be a lot easier to just vote the bastard out of office on November 2nd."
(Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing, Campaign 2004," Rolling Stone, Issue 961, Nov. 11, 2004)

Made-up citation: "I am praying to the Rat gods that they smite down my sister's husband with extreme prejudice. And I don't mind if they leave marks."


Thursday, November 18, 2004

absodiddly

adverb. 1. Absolutely. 2. Absolutely diddly-squat.

Related terms: absoschmuckinglutely, absogoddamnlutely, absofrikkinlutely, mur-diddly-urdler, dil-diddly-emma, diddlywhacker, son of a diddly, diddly-poo, cock-a-diddly-ding-dong-doo-doo.

Real citation: "From chrissy: Do you have any spoilers on Charmed's eppys to come?
Absodiddly. Coolio guest stars mid March as a demon who crashes Phoebe's wedding. (He loves those WB witches: He also guest starred on Sabrina.) And the wedding is a big ol' mess: The Source snatches Cole's body in an attempt to transform the ceremony into a demonic wedding, allowing their foretold son to become heir to the underworld. Coolio is a demon servant of the Source, whose job is to detain the girls...with pain."
("Watch with Wanda," Feb. 25. 2002, E! Online, http://www.eonline.com/Gossip/Wanda/Trans/Archive2002/
020225b.html)

Made-up citation: "Billy's done absodiddly nothing today, again--I think his ambition drowned in the bong water."

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

One-eyed motherfuckers, nice wazoos, and spider-demony-thingies

If a buckle bunny with trout pout can frighten a monkey out of a banana tree, then a rodeo groupie with prominent lips resulting from plastic surgery is terrifying. On the other hand, if a house ape and a horsehead can talk a monkey out of a banana tree, then a small child and a heroin addict are very persuasive.

On a recent Simpsons episode, in reference to some family-oriented responsibility, Homer delivered one of my favorite lines ever: “As the Bible says, screw that!” Everyone knows that Bible quotes can be used to support stuff ranging from anything to everything, but I think Homer is showing us how to call upon a higher power with even more power. If you haven’t already, it’s time to start attributing whatever the Sam Fuck you want to the good book, and screw ‘em with an upside-down pillar of salt if they can’t take the joke. I can’t wait to work the following sentences into my next letter to the editor: As the Bible says, “Severe constipation can kill an elephant.” As the Bible says, “Peyote rhymes with ‘Hey Jodi.’” As the Bible says, “That hurts like a one-eyed motherfucker!” As the Bible says, “Chirup chireep chirrup, chirup chireep chirrup.”

You rarely hear an ass described as a “wazoo” unless it’s in the expressions “up the wazoo” and “out the wazoo.” Why not, though? It would add a little zip to anybody’s vocabulary if they said things like, “Nice wazoo,” “You sir, are a wazoohole,” “Do you enjoy wazoolingus?,” and “When you assume, you make a wazoo out of you and me.”

I don’t believe in much, but I believe that paper towel dispensers with “no-touch sensor” labels have a God-like, Death Star-quality energy field that forces weak-willed monkeys like myself to touch them. Talk about the power of language. Maybe I’d get more action if, on my next date, I wore a “no-touch sensor” bumper sticker on my quivering loins.

Four-letter words that end in “p” are kind of fun: beep, bump, burp, chip, chop, clap, clip, coop, crap, deep, drip, drop, dump, flip, flop, gimp, glop, goop, grip, gump, harp, help, hoop, hump, jump, keep, lamp, leap, limp, loop, lump, peep, poop, prop, pulp, pump, reap, romp, rump, seep, ship, shop, simp, slap, slip, slop, soap, step, stop, trap, trip, wasp, weep, whap, whip, whup, yelp. See what I mean?

I know nuns before noon are a bad sign; so is a palooka with a bazooka.

Is there a difference between “spooge” and “splooge”? Is one mintier?

Some snuff films just aren’t up to snuff.

I’ve been jogging—or in my case, stumbling—only a few times in my life, so I have to take my friend Karen’s word that people (especially man-people) tend to say annoying stuff to joggers, like “You can do it,” “You’re doing great,” “Keep going,” and “Go for the gold!” Next time someone says that last one to her, I hope Karen will take my advice and calmly reply, “Go fuck yourself for the gold!”

A “pandescenderer” is someone who panders and condescends at the same time. A “panda-hugger” is a supporter of China. A “panda” is very cute. Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything about pandas today.

The words of the week:
10) Kanga-bloody-roo
9) Shit-cauldron
8) Tenderloin
7) Blimey
6) Quasi-spousal
5) Simon-and-Garfunkel-bashing
4) Spider-demony-thingy
3) Prithee
2) Twaddle
1) Ootchimagootchi

In Ohio, a new game with an old name is becoming popular: cornhole. This Midwestern pastime—which involves throwing a beanbag of corn in a hole—is not to be confused with the traditional version of cornhole, which involves pumping a purple-veined passion python into a poop-chute. This accurately-yet-hilariously-named game has inspired organizations (the American Cornhole Association), events (the Holiday Cornhole Classic), and websites (http://www.playcornhole.com/). Like batshit-loony parents who name their children “Chlamydia” or “Latrina” because the names sound pretty, the good people of Ohio seem to be lacking a good slang dictionary. Maybe it’s no coincidence that the election was decided in The Cornhole State.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

zookeeper-mauling

present participle. Tearing, mutilating, and chewing up a kindly caretaker of animals.

Real citation: "Watch the Zookeeper-Mauling Polar Bear Get Euthanized."
("America's Best Zoo Exhibits, The Onion, Vol. 39, Issue 34, Sept. 4-10, 2003)

Made-up citation: "I'm trying very hard to cut down on my bad habits, like fingernail-chewing, cigar-smoking, pet-eating, and zookeeper-mauling."

Monday, November 15, 2004

non-hooker-hirer

noun. A person who does not pay for the goodies and services of prostitutes, preferring to acquire nookie through the barter system or household appliances.

Real citation: "So anyway, as you can see, I'm taken. (At least for now.) Not wanting to leave you hanging, I set out to find answers to your questions. Even a non-hooker-hirer like myself knows that in-call means their place, out-call means yours. C'mon. "
(Judy McGuire, "Hired Help," August 18-24, 2004, Seattle Weekly)

Made-up citation: "I may be a non-hooker-hirer, but I am not a non-dumbass-disemboweler, so keep your distance."

Sunday, November 14, 2004

blessedly-boobed

adj. Having heaving, heavenly bagoingers.

Real citation: “Tween star Hilary Duff takes her drama with Lindsay Lohan to musical proportions with a new song directed at the blessedly-boobed actress. Next up, a dance-off. ”
(“Gossip Roundup: Olsen Educational Update,” Oct. 6, 2004, Gawker.com, http://www.gawker.com/topic/gossip-roundup-olsen-educational-update-022776.php)

Made-up citation: “Is Brigitte Bardot, Barbara Bush, Betty Boop, or Brianna Banana more blessedly-boobed?”

Saturday, November 13, 2004

schmoopsie-poo

noun. Diminutive, cute loved one; sweetie; poopsie-woopsie; honey-bunny.

Related terms: schmoopie-poo, poopie-poo, honey-poo, sweety-poo, cutey-poo, wifey-poo, snacky-poo, poo-poo, Yorkie-poo.

Real citation: "Honey, not going on study abroad isn't the end of the world. I should know; I didn't. I wanted to too, believe me. I wanted to go to Scotland and see all of Britain, but I wound up not being able to because of graduation requirements/credits. But I still had an amazing junior year. I was worried about being alone, with all my friends all over the world, but instead I just went out and made new friends (including you!!). Save your money and take a trip later. That's what I'm doing; saving up for a trip to Ireland for my senior spring break. And Jay and I still love you, schmoopsie-poo!"
(kzoopunk, Livejournal, March 5, 2004, http://www.livejournal.com/users/darkpaw/287751.html)

Made-up citation: "I'll be your snuggle-bunny, and I'll be your cuddle-monkey, and I'll be your sex poodle, but I draw the line at being your schmoopsie-poo."

Friday, November 12, 2004

banana-mimicking

present participle. Imitating or indicating the long, firm, ripe, yellow fruit.

Real citation: "Yes, she joked about her husband's endowments, but when answering as to whether her husband is gay, Guilfoyle Newsom said only, 'Not unless you are better than me.'
At which point, she says, she raised her elbow at a 45-degree angle and pointed at herself with a closed fist and thumbs up.
'It was not a banana-mimicking gesture,'' she said. "I know what I said and did. ... I have nothing to hide.'"
(Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom, quoted by Phillip Matier and Andrew Ross, "Newsom's wife says sex joke has been exaggerated," Oct. 24, 2004, http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/10/24/BAGPV9EJML35.DTL)

Made-up citation: "I'm not too good at banana-mimicking, but my mango-miming skills are truly sublime."

Thursday, November 11, 2004

minionator

noun. Minion.

Real citation: "Once again, nice work, minionators!"
(Harmony, "The Real Me," Oct. 3, 2000, Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Made-up citation: "Though my lackeys are lackluster, I have a fine staff of motivated minionators."


Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Evil empires, summer cabbage, and pharmacogenomics

Does your inner child have an inner ear infection? Maybe you need to unleash, discover, release, embrace, or spank one of the many hidden entities I found with Google’s help, such as your inner smurf, inner European, inner dragon, inner flower, inner Republican, inner he-man, inner zombie, inner voyeur, inner kitten, inner Warhol, inner gourmet, inner cheerleader, inner brat, inner supermodel, inner doughnut, inner ghoul, inner Olympian, inner heiress, inner music industry diva, inner Tweety, inner money manager, inner gyroscope, or inner Robert Mapplethorpe. Unfortunately, neither Google nor I know what you should do with your inner Sumatran rat monkey.

I’ve never had a glide in my stride or a dip in my hip, but I have had a gimp in my limp and some glass in my ass.

The most disturbing bit of graffiti I’ve ever seen was at the University of Buffalo, in a library bathroom stall, where I sat, shat, and read the normally non-terrifying word “hi.” One problem—the word was written in shit. In the “most unintentionally amusing graffiti” category, I’d vote for some latrine literature I saw at a summer camp. These words of wisdom may have been composed by a camper, a counselor, or possibly even a wise bear from the woods. Here they are in all their glory, sure to make the authors’ parents and English teachers proud: “Stephen use this toilet to take a dump / it fills good / except the straining.”

I’ve often wistfully wished for a goon, and I think minions would be pretty sweet, but now I know what I really want to ask Santa for: an evil empire. Look at all the things that have been called evil empires: The Soviet Union, the New York Yankees, Starbucks, Walmart, Microsoft… Four out of five are unstoppable mega-juggernauts, and one out of five scared the living shit out of the unstoppable U.S. uber-juggernaut. If I had me one of them evil empires…well, it could syndicate this column for one thing. It could provide goods and services at a reasonable price. It could force the other evil empires to start serving bubble tea and canoli, as they should. Mmmm…evil fucking empire.

Imagine an asshole getting cornholed by a butthole in a shithole. Would the universe get sucked into a black hole?

From experience, I knew that these two alcoholic’s slogans were true: “Liquor before beer, never fear” and “Beer before liquor, never sicker.” The other night I was hoping to prove the wisdom of “Beer before wine, you’ll be fine.” Unfortunately, the only Johnny Cochran-esque booze bumper sticker I could honestly endorse now would be “Beer before wine—are you out of your mind?”

It’s fun, though expensive, to replace money with monkeys, but I can’t resist: A fool and his monkey are soon parted. Rich or poor, it’s good to have monkeys. Show me the monkey. Time is a monkey. Your monkey is no good here. No one’s credit is as good as his monkey. When monkeys speak, the truth keeps silent. Monkeys are the root of all evil. The love of monkeys is the root of all evil. He that marries for monkeys will earn them.

The words of the week:
10) Honeyfuggle
9) Heartbreakee
8) Barfogenesis
7) Gerbilcide
6) Assmosis
5) Love-matic
4) Rotgut
3) Unchimpanzeelike
2) Pharmacogenomics
1) Defrocked

There are a lot of fun terms for sex, such as “sink the sausage,” “make the beast with two backs,” “do the horizontal mambo,” “have a bit of summer cabbage,” and “take old one-eye to the optometrist.” The best one I’ve read lately is “put the devil into hell.” This is an expression that men, women, man-haters, woman-haters, sex-haters, and sex maniacs alike can embrace--it doesn’t favor men (and their little devils) or women (and their living hells). FOX News itself couldn’t come up with a more fair and balanced view of the sex act. God bless America.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

jackassitude

noun. 1. A jackass' attitude. 2. A state of extreme jackassishness.

Real citation: "As far as Boeing, it does dishearten me to hear a crowd boo their own home team after a bad loss, or a string of successive losses (then again, most people present at the games show some kind of jackassitude or another so I shouldn't be surprised)."
(Ufez Jones, SportsFilter, June 20, 2003, http://www.sportsfilter.com/comments.cfm/1762)

Made-up citation: "I was trying to enjoy the pulchritude, but the jackassitude was too much of a bummer."

Monday, November 08, 2004

fucking like banshees

idiom. Mega-fucking; uber-fucking; fucking to the gazillionth power of fuck; fucking like a racehorse.

Real citation: “When Emily Post first wrote of "polite society," she wasn't thinking of the play space at Birmingham's Rapture. But just because people are running around naked fucking like banshees doesn't mean anything goes. Like other social venues, sex clubs have their own set of dos and don'ts. If you're new to the scene, it's wise to learn them, just as you would before visiting a foreign country.”
(Lisa Archer, “Undress for Success,” Eros Guide San Francisco, Oct. 30, 2002, http://www.eros-guide.com/articles/2002-10-30/etiquette/)

Made-up citation: “Woo woo! Those bunnies are fucking like banshees! (Very cute, fluffy banshees).”

Sunday, November 07, 2004

skankspionage

noun. Sneaky espionage activity carried out by skanks, or possibly hos.

Real citation: “Lauren was originally good, and got turned eeeevil by the Covenant after Sydney returned. Now, I am hardly a rabid SV shipper, but even I will concede that Vaughn was just stupid-in-love with Syd at the time she disappeared. So there must have been foul play involved in the accelerated V/L courtship (nine. fucking. months. That. Bitch. How about....Lauren slips Vaughn a roofie and then does some Allisonesque postcoital hypnotism?) I'm just saying, if both parties are playing fair, there's no way Vaughn would be all Kissy-Face with the COW nine months after Syd's "death". Plus, scenes from After Six imply that Lauren has a fair amount of experience in the world of skankspionage - more than she would have gotten in the past year or so. I think we can eliminate this possibility.”
(cjgurl427, “Mission Briefings: The Speculation Thread (No Spoilers),” Television Without Pity, Feb. 19, 2004, http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=842757&st=1170)

Made-up citation: "Maybe the election would have turned out differently if skankspionage were a more prominent issue.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Columns

Leprechaun liberals, Scrooge McDuck, and sexual-fuckin-intercourse

One-eyed motherfuckers, nice wazoos, and spider-demony-thingies

Evil empires, summer cabbage, and pharmacogenomics

Mythical birds, fuckedupedness, and kitchy-kitchy-koo

Thongs, muffins, and absquatulations

Smiley feces, peek-a-boob, and grim death

Horse-pucky, mama-yamas, and God's sack

Squirrels, holiness, and backsplash

Torture, rage, and waffles

Saddam, Jesus, and Mom

hamster-kissing

present participle. Having a tendency to lock lips with the furriest, cuddliest, sweetest rodent of them all.

Real citation: “The final night of the convention was Kerry’s opportunity to inspire a country in need of something to be enthusiastic about. Instead, we got an infomercial. The product? The result of too many campaign strategists and focus groups: an ass-kicking, life-saving, hamster-kissing war hero.”
(Henry P. Belanger, “Curse of the Campaign Strategists,” In the Fray, August 18, 2004. http://inthefray.com/html/article.php?sid=634&mode=thread&order=0)

Made-up citation: “In the Beijing Olympics, new sports will include ultimate frisbee, competitive eating, and synchronized hamster-kissing.”

Friday, November 05, 2004

post-Janet-Jackson’s-breast

adj. Part of the new historical period that began when one-half of Jacko’s Racko was revealed at the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

Related terms: peek-a-boob, wardrobe malfunction, stripping.

Real citation: “I would have to think it's just the times that we live in -- the post-Janet-Jackson's-breast age. The bigger picture is that the FCC's raising the fines from $27,500 to $500,000 [for obscenity]. That is great. Even though the FCC hasn't warned KCRW, which is a local public-radio station.”
(Sandra Tsing Loh interviewed by John Gorenfeld, “A stand against pompous gasbags,” Salon, March 16, 2004, http://www.salon.com/ent/feature/2004/03/16/loh/)

Made-up citation: “In the post-Janet-Jackson's-breast era, I just don’t feel the same confidence in the stock market.”

Thursday, November 04, 2004

pseudo-bumpkin

noun. A would-be bumpkin; a wanna-be yokel; a poseur hillbilly; a quasi-redneck; a not-quite hayseed; a phony rube.

Real citation: “Bush's language has become a less important issue for his American critics, too. Not that they don't still regard him an ignorant bumpkin (or worse, a pseudo-bumpkin) who embarrasses the country, but now they're concerned that he's making America look bad in much more dangerous ways. That anger has nothing to do with the fact that Bush doesn't talk like Tony Blair -- or for that matter, that Tony Blair does.”
(Geoffrey Nunberg, “Special Effects,” http://www-csli.stanford.edu/~nunberg/bush.html)

Made-up citation: "If a metrosexual and a pseudo-bumpkin fought a duel to the death, what deity would you pray to for a double homicide?"

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Mythical birds, fuckedupedness, and kitchy-kitchy-koo

Since I write about language, people ask me questions all the time about capitalization, spelling, grammar, and other serious matters of national security. But nobody asks me the questions that really warm my cocoa, like: Would it be more proper to say a potential sex poodle is “lustable,” “lustable-after,” or “lust-afterable”? In a letter of resignation, should a supervisor’s approach be described as “assbackwards,” “bassackwards,” or “backasswards”? Which of these spellings would look more impressive on a wedding invitation: “fuckedupness” or “fuckedupedness”? (A Google search shows more hits for the former, but I kinda like the sound of the latter). And which version of “absolutely” sounds the most suave and professorial? The choices are: “absofuckinglutely,” “absobloodylutely,” “absoblessedlutely,” “absobleedinglutely,” “absofreakinglutely,” “absofrigginlutely,” “absofrikkinlutely,” “absoflippinlutely,” “absofunkinlutely,” “ “absogoddamnlutely,” “absotootly,” and “absoschmuckinglutely.”

My favorite current nickname for a co-worker is “the poodle from hell.” My favorite old nickname for a classmate is “Steak-umm.”

A “Dirty Banana” is a yummy Caribbean drink, and a “banana wiggler” is a worm used as fishing bait. A “banana hammock” is a speedo or other scanty, skimpy, sketchy covering for a “tummy banana,” which is a tallywhacker. “Bashing the banana” and “buffing the banana” mean the same thing as “slammin’ the salmon” and “warming up the altar boy’s lunch.” Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything about bananas today.

The best typo I’ve seen lately was “phoenix skills” for “phonics skills.” Unintentionally, the writer has his priorities in order. Phonics is the science of spoken sounds, but how much science do you need to yap? I don’t know a clone from a chromosome, and I can babble, bellow, and bitch just fine. On the other hand, listen to the Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of “phoenix”: “A mythical bird, of gorgeous plumage, fabled to be the only one of its kind, and to live five or six hundred years in the Arabian desert, after which it burnt itself to ashes on a funeral pile of aromatic twigs ignited by the sun and fanned by its own wings, but only to emerge from its ashes with renewed youth, to live through another cycle of years.” Not bad. I also remember that the Phoenix character from the X-Men could read minds and eat planets and stuff. Though I still wouldn’t have the qualifications for my dream job (teaching sign language to apes), I’d take phoenix skills over phonics skills any day, because a guy gets hungry. And planets are pretty.

According to Fifty Years Among the New Words, the term “anti-anti-communist” was coined in the 1950’s, meaning “one who opposes those who attack communism or communists.” Two negatives may not make a positive, but they do make a very cool word. I searched Google for “anti-anti-“ and found examples of “anti-anti-American,” “anti-anti-Pokemon,” “anti-anti-Saddamism,” “anti-anti-missile defense,” “anti-anti-Semitism,” “anti-anti-Britney,” “anti-anti-Christ,” “anti-anti-spyware,” and “anti-anti-evolutionism.” There were even a few examples with more “anti-”s, like “anti-anti-anti-math,” “anti-anti-anti-bioterrorism,” and “anti-anti-anti-anti-climaxes.” Since I’m hyphen-happy, I love all these words very much, but on a personal note, I must admit I am anti-anti-Lena Olin and anti-anti-anti-pea soup.

The words of the week:
10) Humanette
9) Disembowelingest
8) Salami-greased
7) Hootenanny
6) Horrendo-Mom
5) Churchill-humping
4) Yesireebob
3) Multi-hairball
2) Kitchy-kitchy-koo
1) Ectoplasmgasm

In the name of love, who isn’t a poo-eater sometimes? (In the metaphorical sense, at least). While any of us might run for cover because our schmoopsie-poo loves drugs, violence, or Everybody Loves Raymond, just as often we’ll open up wide, in a metaphorical-turd-gobbling frenzy. In the pages of Maledicta, I’ve found a few terrific versions of this idea, including these lovey-dovey declarations: “I would eat a yard of her shit just to get up to bite her ass,” “I would eat the peanuts out of her shit,” and “There’s many a man would eat a yard of her shit for a lick at her hole.” In Canadian Sayings, I found a similar one that shows both sweetness and curiosity: “I’d eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from.” Bon appetite.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

exorcism tongs

noun. A little-known-yet-quite-effective device used in removing demons from their host bodies--can be handy alongside traditional anti-anti-Christ paraphernalia such as a vial of holy water, a cross, a Bible, and a big fucking hammer.

Real citation: "Run and get Daddy's exorcism tongs!"
(Ned Flanders, "Last Exit to Springfield," March 11, 1993, The Simpsons)

Made-up citation: "I've had three smoothie-makers fall apart like the pieces of shit they were, but my exorcism tongs have lasted me through four children, twenty-three neighbors, and a couple pets."

ABC Index

A

abominationish

abominationistic

abominationitude

abracaboobra

abraca-oops

absocraply

absodiddly

absoforking

absofracking

absofuckingawesome

absofuckingnotly

absoshitly

absosmurfing

abysmalitude

abysslessness

accentgasm

accessory-dog

ackfuck

add-hic-endum

adorable-itude

aggro-goofitude

ah-choo-la-la

AHEMdelusionsofgrandeurAHEM

*ahem*ty-nine

all-knowing-ish

all-over-each-other-ness

alternadoofus

ambulatory hamburger

American assload

Amish-sploitation

amputation-happy

anal-probish

aneurysmometer

ann-coulterin'

annoying-gushy-man-molestiness

anthro-weirdo

anthro-whatsit

anti-anti-anti-anti-American

anti-anti-anti-tit-for-tat

anti-anti-lap-dance

Anti-Christitude

anti-Fonzie

anti-Janet-Jackson’s-nipple

anti-jeebusness

anti-milf

anti-space-rock

ape-poopy

apoco-babe

ap-sock-alypse

Aquamanliness

aqua-Satanic

arachno-butt

arch-buttmunch

arch-dipshit

arch-dumbass

arch-nemesisness

arch-nutjob

arghh-ified

argh-inspiring

arghitude

arm-punchy

assassin-client privilege

assassinationologist

ass-chapper

Assclownistan

asscrackitude

asshatastic

asshat-capades

asshatdar

asshat whisperer

assheadface

ass-fatifying

assholiest

assitudinous

assitudinousness

asskissology

asslessness

assloadish

assmunchitude

assnutface

asspore

ass-pullage

ass-pullery

assquarters

ass-smoochery

asstardishness

asstardtastic

assticular region

Asstoberfest

asswadface

astrocaust

atomic space wedgie

atomic-wedgie-proof

atrocitylicious

attack-majiggy

at the whim of a hat

Australian schnauzer-doodle-whatever-poo

auto-assplay

awesome-stosterone

awshucksy-gosh-darn-it-to-heck

awwwwwww-itude

B

baby boomerbasherism

backlash-tastic

bacongasm

baconpire

baked in stupidity sauce

ba-donk-a-ma-donk

baddie-in-training

bad-motherfuckerish

badonkadonk-load

baldershit

ball-crushage

ballitude

ball-latherer

ball-lickery

ballsacectomy

balls-centric

ball-suckitude

ballsweatometer

banana-mimicking

banana-phobic

bandit-licious

bank robberette

baptism-ish

barbarianette

barbecutionist

Barbie-in-chief

barfitudinous

baseball bat moment

Batbuttplug

batcrapitude

batfuckery

bathtubular

Batman-Begins-ification

Batmanliness

bat-nanigans

batshit burger

batshitcrazymobile

batshit-demented

batshit-deranged

batshitism

Batshitistan

batshit loonball

batshit-mentum

batshitologist

batshitometer

batshittedness

batshittery

Bat-spatula

battle-tastic-tacular-gasm-worthy

Batvibrator

beaglehuahua

beallah

beardzilla

beat-them-to-death-with-a-brick-worthy

Beavis and Buttheadification

bedcapades

bedoofused

bed-pannish

bedwettology

beeftacular

BeelzeHillary

Beelze-something

Beelze-whatever

beer-bestanked

beer gut-ify

beer-tastrophe

befuckitude

befuddlitude

behipstered

behoboed

beholderess

behootered

bejackassed

beJuicyFruited

benevolent-ish

bepancaked

Bepenised-European-American

bepoodled

besatan

bescrotumed

berserker-rage-inducing

beskunked

besmirchee

besnorkled

beswirlied

beta-goon

betowelled regions

betrayal-y

bewadded

bewedgied

bewhacked

bewiggery

bexenu

beyoinked

bezeus

bible-believingly

big-dick-dar

Bill Clintony

bio-crotchfruit

bird-poo-encrusted

biscuitwad

bittersweetitude

bladder-splosion

blah blah-ologist

blah-illion

blamfrazzled

blasphemosity

blessedly-boobed

blowhardette

blow-uppiness

blow-shit-up-with-magic-ologist

bodaciously-bottomed

bodily-fluids-imbibing

bogartitude

boinkability

boinkery

boinkly

boinktacular

Bond villain-y

boneheadery

bonerade

boneration

bonerheaded

bonerologist

bonership society

boner subsidy

bone throwage

bonertopia

bongo horror

bongozoid

bonka-bonka

bonkerization

bonkers-ish

bonobosexual

boobage-coverage

boobamaphone

boobicular fortitude

boobiemonger

boobiloquent

boobistically

boobitation

boobological region

boobophobia

boob-tastic-osity

boobwad

boobworm

boogerbutthead

boogerfy

boom-boom-boom-ish

bootleg exorcism

booty-call-ish

booze-beckoning

booze-woozed

borefest-a-rama

botsploitation

bouncerette

bouncy-headbangy

bowel-crushingly

Boy Scout-edness

bozoification

brain bleach moment

braindeadification

braindeaditude

brainfrak

brain-gurble

brain-hurtitude

brainsuckee

brainsucky

brainwashatron

Brangelinagasm

brass-ballsitude

breakfastude

breasticular fortitude

breastitudinous

Brichon Fra-something-doodle

bro-itude

brown-boxers moment

brown one’s Cheese Doodles

BSKFF

buffoonette

bugshitted

bullshit in a can

bum-awful

bum-flappiest

bungholicious

bungmanity

bunnycapades

bunnyhuahua

bunny-rabbit-sucker-upper

bunny-worshipper

burn one's waffles

Bush’s-colon-scented

buttanza

butt boring

buttbortion

butt-cleavage-revealing

buttcrackology

buttfacebutt

buttface-edness

buttfacehead

buttheadette

butthead-in-law

buttholery

buttholicious

butthole-iest

buttholistic

buttilion

buttily challenged

buttlickee

buttmentum

buttmunchette

buttmuncheroo

buttmunchily

buttmunchitude

buttmunchology

buttmunchosaur

buttmunch-wad

buttockage

buttockitude

buttockologist

buttocks-hat

buttpire

butt-pluggy

butt-sniffee

buzz shackle

BYOC

by Odin's balls

by Zeus' balls

C

caketagious

calzonegasm

camel toe-dar

cameltoeriffic

cannibalette

cannonfodderness

canoe on Lake Lunacy

can't-keep-it-in-my-pants-itis

Captain Cuckoopants

Cardboard Box-istan

ca-something-or-other

catastro-bleep

catastrofrak

catastrofreak

catastrometer

catastrophic boob tape failure

catastrophic crotch failure

catastrophic penis failure

catastrophic underwear failure

cat-bepooped

catfightiness

Catholic dog exorcist whisperer guy

cat-nookiepalooza

cavemanitude

celebubot

celebucaust

celebu-crotch

celebudrunk

celebudude

celebufreak

celebugod

celebu-mutant

celebu-rat

celebu-seed

celebu-shambles

celebusperm

celebu-swine

celebu-vomit

celebuwhatever

cesspool-flavored

champagne-and-adultery-soaked

character-insighty

cheeseburgerette

chemo-psycho-nano-tech

chest-thrusty

Chicago-istan

chicken-gasm

chickenshititude

Chicken Snatchatori

chickensploitation

chickenshitology

chickenwad

Chidorkiedoodlepookin

chimpcapades

chimphuahua

chipmunk-shaggery

chocopire

choco-romantic

choco-terrorist

Christ on a whole wheat cracker

Christwad

chug-chug-chuggery

churchgasm

Churchill-humping

clone-worthy

clusterboink

clusterbop

clusterbunch

clustercoitus

clusterdouche

clusterfornicate

clusterfrog

cluster-fuckitude

cluster molestation

cluster-naughty word

cluster-nookie

clusterplook

clusterpork

clustersmurf

clustersomething

clusterspork

clusterwad

co-badass

cockamaroach

cockapoopoopoo

cocka-shih-poo

cockaspanadoodlehua

cockawhatever

cock-crinkler

coconut-clonker

coconut-testicled

co-doofus

co-exorcist

co-fornicator

cohortitude

coitalicious

collective clitoris

collagen-licious

collapse-alypse

collision-y

colonoscosode

colon rage

combover-ee

come-dump-o-rama

comedy-y

come-hither-y

concubine-tastic

confessy-time

conflict-avoidy

confuzzle-osity

congressasshat

congressbutt

congress-cockroach

congressjackass

congressrodent

congresswad

conjugalicious

conjugalistically

conjugal-visit-interruptus

conspiracy-y

constructo-pocalypse

coronerette

corporeal-ator

corruption-berg

cosmic-donut supporter

Costanzaness

couch-makeouting

Count Crackula

counter-hubbub

cousincesty

cowbell-osity

cow-crapper-upper

co-whacko

crackadocious

crack-challenged

crack-denish

crack on one’s cornflakes

cracko-whacko

crack-pipe-worthy

crackpipey

crackpotitude

crackwhorishness

crack-whoritude

cradle robberette

crapamajig

crap-assedness

crapaversary

crapcation

crap-diddly-crap-crap

crap-diddly-tastic

crap-diddly-yappy

crapfestacular

crapfest-free

crapfestitude

Crapinator-in-Chief

crapitudinous

crapitudinousness

crap-mentum

crapocaust

crapolapalooza

crapologism

craposcopic

craposterous

crapped-up-ness

crapportunity

crapstache

crapstitute

craptacular-ish

craptasticish

craptrocity

crapulent-tastic

crapwaffle

crawl-under-a-rock-y

crazed-assedness

creepitudinous

creepo-weepo

creepydar

creepy-outy

creepy-uncle-y

crestfallenish

cringy-cringy

crony-licious

cronytastic

cross the squick line

crotchdar

crotchfruitian

crotchfruitish

crotchfruity

crotchgasm

crotchilicious

crotchish area

crotchmunch

crotchsploitation

crotchwad

CTWF (catastrophic tortilla wall failure)

Cubpocalypse

cuddly-aggressive

culpritess

cupcake-capades

cuteaggedon

cutesy-fest

cutesy-pooitude

cyber-pseudo-robo-booobies

cy-kid

Cyloncaust

Cylonicide

Cylonitudinous

Cylontologist

D

dad-blower-upper

dadsmurfed

dark-avenger-y

Darth Dubyous

Deady McDeadsty

dealbreakerness

deassify

death-bed-ish

death falafel

deathwishiness

deathy-like

deballification

deballified

debarfify

debaucheristical

de-bonerification

de-boring-ified

debraify

debrainsuck

debutchify

de-Californify

deca-thousandaire

de-chimpify

dechristify

de-clutter-ification

de-douchebagify

dedumbassify

de-dweebification

de-edumacation

defuckified

degoopified

de-ignorant-ized

dejesusify

Dejavu-istan

de-kid-ifying

demise-ish-ness

democracy-y

demon-possessive

dentistette

dentisticide

denunification

denutify

de-Oprah-fy

depenisify

depooified

de-pooifying

depoopinator

depressionosity

depuff-ify

de-Rosie'fy

de-schmoopify

de-smellify

despicalicious

despotette-in-training

despotette-wannabe

desquickify

de-stankifier

de-stiffify

de’throom

dewankification

de-wreckification

diabolicalitude

diamond-tipped-nippled

diaper-faced

diaperiffic

diaper-tastrophe

dickheadbutt

dickheadification

dickholehead

dicksmackitude

dick-wadditude

dickwadette

dickweedhood

dictatorshippy

diddlefest

diddly-bleeping-squat

diddly bupkis

diddly-doodly-fucking-squat

diddly-fucking-squat

diddlywad

differentyness

dignity-ish-type

dildometry

dildonicness

diligent-ish-y

dillholery

dimwittitude

dingleberry-gate

dingleberryology

Dirty Smurfchez

disappear-up-your-own-assery

disastro-catastro-pheeeeeeee

discomfitometer

discomrobertulated

disembowelingest

dismemberly

distraughtitude

divorcey-weds

DMV-stapo

doctorcest

doctoristic

Dr. Pepper-ocracy

dog-ass-flavored

dogdar

dogenfreude

dog-excrement-intensive

dog-mentum

domestic-terrorist-turned-housewife

dominatrix-sex-kitten-y

done-to-deathitude

doodoo-ology

doofusbot

doofusbreath

doofusette

doofushood

Doofus-in-Chief

doofusistic

doofuslet

doofusmonger

doofusmunch

doofuswad

doomamajig

doomidity

doomistical

doomsday-y

doomsteress

doorbell-palooza

doped to the nines

dorkamatron

dorkheadedness

dorkfuck

dorks-gone-chic

dorkwadhead

double-boob-edly

double dillwadish

double-meh

double-shitbirds

douche-anova

douchebagapalooza

douchebagectomy

douchebagface

douchebaghead

douchebagomatic

douchebagtastic

douchebagwad

douchebutt

douchecapades

douche-er-iffic

doucheteria

douche-toolish

douchetronic

douchenozzlitude

douche-wibbler

douchitudinousness

dowhateverer

Dracula-ish/esque

dramaqueentastic

drunktardish

Duckfuckistan

duck-pampering

duh-lightful

duh-sasterous

dumbassectomy

dumbasshead

dumbfuckosaurus

dumbfucktastic

dumbiotic

dumbitudinous

dumbshitette

dumpsterette

dumpster-recognition module

dunderdoof

dunderheaditude

dunderwad

dungeon-doom-apocalypseness

dung-heapish

durificatrix

dweebularity

dyingish

E

ear-flap-based

ear-hair-farming

earthtard

East Buttfuckistan

eco-dildo

eco-fetishology

eco-ninja-warrior-kinda-chick

economic boner

ecto-kitty

ectoplasm-flavored

ectoplasmgasm

ectoplasminess

ectoplasmological

ectoplasm-monger

edgier-than-thouness

eeekies, the

egg-splosive

ego-handjob

185whatever

electro-depantsifier

electro-skankstress

electro-torture-ologist

Elmer Fuddistic

emasculicious

embalmitude

embezzlementy

emo-admiral

Empire Strikes Back-itis

endlessish

enema-ee

English muffin-fu

enormo-robo-drums

en-sad-ifying

enthrallitude

enthusiasmgasm

entomologist-turned-bedroomologist

envirodouche

enviro-hobbit-hole

eroto-depresso

erudite-itude

espionagelicious

essay-pionage

euphem-ee

euphemtastic

everydoofus

everything-ruiner

evil-gasmic

evil-scientist fetish

ew-able

execufucktard

ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-gay

ex-Felatee-in-Chief

exit-row-ness

exorcism czar

exorcism tongs

exorcistesque

exorcist-in-chief

exorcistolicious

exorcist-turned-dairy-farmer

exploitation-tastic-ish

expositionator-y

expositiolicious

ex-step-ferret

extraordinary equestrian

F

factish-like

fake-banana-stealing

fake-boob-dar

false prophety

family-values-licking

fanbloodytasticlicious

fanboyette

fan-diddly-damn-tastic

fan-diddly-fucking-tastic

fan-coitus-tastic

fansmurfingtastic

fantardistically

farmboyesque

fartageddon

fart knockee

fart-knockery

Fatal Attraction-ization

fat-crappy-tastic

fatigue-o-splosion

federal-agenty

feeder-fetish-tastic

fellatonic

fembotical

fembot-in-training

fembot-ish

fembotitude

fembotization

fembot-less

fembot-tastic

fembotty

ferretsploitation

fetal positiony

fetishishness

fetusesque

filthy-dirty-compelling

fine-diddly-fucking-whatever

Fiona Apple-of-the-month club

fish-ish-y

fist-of-death-itude

fistpumpery

fist-pumpy

flip-flopology

flower-child-y

flubberducking

fluffitudinous

flying-eyeball-swallowing

footbathage

footsploitation

foozamabob

for Christ’s sweet biscuits

forbidden-love-y

foreheadologist

fork-in-the-backer

former-husband-brain-eating fork

fornicationful

Fortress of Moistitude

Fortress of Placentatude

fracktarded

frakzillion

Frankenasshat

frankenbanana

Frankenbutthead

Frankendoofus

frappawhatsit

freakamazoid

freakazoid-less

freakitudinous

freaky-loo-wackadoo

Fred-on

Fredo-riffic

freedominess

free-range cretins

French-fry-pocalypse

French-ish-sounding

frigillion

frizzle-frizzledness

frost one’s cheese

fuckadocious

fuckbabble

fuckboozled

fuckbuckethead

fuck-capades

fuck-diddly-ola

fuck-diddly-umptious

fucked-in-the-headitude

fuckedupedly

fuckedupedness

fuckenizing

fuckhandle

fuckheadess

fuckheadicide

fuckheaditude

fucking like banshees

fuckingtacular

fuckity-fuckbag

funkitudinous

fucknutted-uppitude

fucknuthood

fucknutter

fuckpork

fuckstainery

fucktardistic

fuckwadface

fuckwitesque

fuckwitface

fuckwit-in-law

fugly-pepto-pink

fuh-reaky-deaky

full-frontal-ness

fun-diddly-freaking-un

fundie-Jeebus-y

funnydar

FWBs (followers with benefits)

F-wordtastic

G

gah-tastic

gah-worthy

gastro-something-something-ologist

gazillionish

geek-history-gasm

geekstress

geezer-azzi

geezette

geezeritude

genocidal much-better-now-thankiacs

get all Catholic

get Neanderthal on your ass

get one’s bibles in a knot

get one's chastity belt in a swivel

get one’s monkeys in a bunch

get one's who-gives-a-shit on

Gilliganistic

ginormously fugged out crevice cleavage syndrome

girl-lizard

girly-bits-related

glacier-appropriate

glam-trashtastic

globo-downfallization

gloriousnessosity

glycoli-schmancy-hydroxo-crapological

go bazonkers

Godcomplexzilla

goddening

godlike-ish

God-mentum

God on a blue surfboard

go full douche

going-through-the-motions-ish

goitertastic

golden celebutwit triumvirate

golden showeree

go mentalish

gonadage

gonerette

gone-to-the-darksidey

good-giddy-awd

good holy Jesus in a jumpsuit

goofulating

goo-goo-ga-gun

goo-inspired

goopification

go psycho-batshit-bonkers

go psycho bugnuts

got-a-bad-feeling-about-this-ing

goth-seductressy

go to hell in a D Cup

Gov. Blagowhatsit

grabassitude

grain alcohol goggles

grain-alcohol-y

grandmatacular

grandmother-induced

grandspawn

gravy-y

Greater Scumbagistan

great-grand-crotchfruit

great-grandcritter

great-grandspawn

great-great-grandbot

Greco-creepo

green-glowing-nano-slime-ammo-pack

groinalicious

groinapalooza

groin-boggling

groinfruit-destroyers

groinhead

groinly

groin pullage

group-grope-y

grovelicious

grudgegasm

gutter-friendly

gutterhumper

gyrationish

H

hackcough*yeahright*cough

hacktastic

haddock-smacked

Hades-on-the-Hudson

haiku-stipation

hair-ma-geddon

hairocaust

hair tossy

half-boobedly

half-hee

half-manbimbo

half-wombat-brained

ham-a-geddon

hamburger-splosion

ham-rizon

hamster-kissing

hamsterslaughter

ham-thusiast

handjob-ologist

happy man-loaf

harlot laureate

harumphery

head-up-his-buttitude

head-up-your-assish

heart-attack-tastic

heart-blower-upper

heathenitude

heathentastic

hellbeastish

hellhound-free

hellhound whisperer

hematomeriffic

henchape

henchblob

henchboobs

henchbreasts

hench-bunny-men

henchchicken

hench-chimp

hench-cleavage

hench-commissioner

hench-Cylon

henchdoofus

henchdork

henchgoat

henchgoon

henchho

hench-lady-men-partners

henchman-ish

henchmanliness

henchmoron

henchnoncorporeal being

hench-poodle

hench-rodent

henchscum

hench-zombie

he-slut

Hey-look-over-there-istan

hhhnnnnnnngggggg

higgledy-piggledyology

Hillary-licious

hinkstivity

hissy-spat

Hitchcock-orama-ness

hit the smutpot

hobbitcest

hobo-stronaut

ho-centric

ho-diddly-fucking-hum

hohohoish

holy buttered crap on a stick

holy crispy crap on a cracker

holy deep-dish fuck

holy flippin’ flyin’ cows

holy-matrimonialish

holy mother of monkey

holy mothersmurfing smurf

holy smurfballs

holy-sweet-mother-of-God-fine

home-bonership

homicidal maniac-y

honeymoonitude

hoo-hoo-ectomy

hoopy-doopy

hootchie-wad

Hooteropolis

horndoggery

horndogess

horrendo-mom

horriditude

horse’s asshood

horsy-hung

hosebeastess

hosebeasty

hosepot

ho sense

hot dog with teeth

hot-monkey-sex-type

hubba-hubba-ish

human-beingy

human-esque-ish-like

human-excrement-sprayingest

humanitariany

humanity-ish-ian

humanlicious

humility-meister

humpism

humpologist

hung like a Norse

hypotetheticonfessional

I

ice-becrotched

ice the suck cake

icky-sticky-sicky-poo

I-don’t-give-a-fuckitude

ignoramusette

ilk-hood

I'mboredsowhere'sthepornistan

impending-doomy-sounding

implode-or-explode-ish

I'mPerfectSoICanDoAnythingIWantNoMatterHow DespicableBecauseGodLovesMeYay!-ism

impregnitude

incestiness

incest-tastic-ness

incredu-normous

Index Cardus Notetaking-asaurus

indictment-speculation-a-thon

infatuationish

infidel-ightful

info-ness-ish-esque-whatever

ingratess

inhumanesque

insta-exorcism

insta-pond

insta-poopy-in-yur-panties

insta-redemption

intestinal gonaditude

in the barn

Iranian-onaut

Irish-ishy

iron-rod-up-one's-assedness

itchy-batshitty

I-told-you-so-esque

J

jackassage

jackasshead

jackassfuck

jackassitude

jackassometer

jackasswad

jack-diddly-fucking-shit-squat

jack-diddly-iddly-shit

jagmuppet

jailbaitdar

Jailbaitistan

James Spader-y

Jeebus H. Cripes on a pogo stick

Jeebusish

Jeebusology

Jeebustastic

Jeezass-loving

jerkassiest

jerkasswad

jerkatoid

jerkbuttface

jerkfacewad

jerkholeface

Jesuscest

Jesus shit howdy

Jesusy-ness

jitterwank

jizz-coaxer

jizzicillin

jizz-ism

John McGetOffMyLawn

John McOneFootInTheGrave

Johnny Potatochipseed

John Q. Fuckface

K

kaboomapow

kaboomboomboomboom

kaboomitude

kaboomlessness

kaboomology

kaboomsville

kah-splodey

kajillasecond

kegelicious

kerplodey

kickassitudinousness

Kidmanoxed

kidnapperess

kidney-selling-tastic

kiss on the pants

knee-in-groinage

kneejerkery

knockupedness

kvetchitude

L

lady balls

ladyparts-first

lame-assedness

laptoplessness

laughanista

laugh-in-your-facey

lav-love

learning juice

leather-pants-fashion-do category

leertastic

leg burqa

leg-humpage

leperesque

leper-ish

leprechaun-licking

leprobot

lepro-licious

lesbiatic

lesby-go-round

lickable fragrance product

lick hippo-hole

light-as-a-feather-itude

limp chimp

lipstickicity

little-finger-ageddon

lobotolicious

lobotomy-ish

lobster-liberator

loinage

loinliness

long-neck-asaurus

loofah-enhanced

loofah-gasmic

loonbase

loonbatty

looner-laden

losercapades

losered-out

love hexadecagon

Lower Buttmunchistan

low-self-esteemish

LVPCILF

M

mad scientistette

maim-fest

make a no-no

malcontenty

malfunctionish

malt-liquor-y

manblogitude

man-chete

mancrushish

man-flab

man-fume

manhoodedness

manhoodish

manhoodiness

man-on-me

man-reactiony

man-slutitude

man-strumpet

mantourage

marionette-on-marionette action

martyrometer

Marysploitation

massage-gasm

Massengill bag

massengillosity

Massengill-y

mass-hormonify

masterplanesque

masturventurer

mattressable

Mc-Muffin-gasmic

meat-hunk

meat-induced-coma-ness

meat leash

meatorexic

meat-splosive

mechanopuppy

megabarfage

megabuttmunch

mega-destructo

mega-doofy

megadumpage

mega-fuckered

mega-legal-robo-proctologist

mega-mega-uber-pissed

mega-mildew

megamungus

megapoopage

megastitious

megatardery

meh-itude

meh on a stick

menstool cycle

menstru-iffic

messiahess-in-training

messiahlicious

messiah-tastic

meth goggles

metric (bad word)-load

metric booty-load

metric crudload

metric diaperload

metric dorkload

metric dumpload

metric-expletive-ton

metric jesus-load

metric monkeyload

metric poo-poo-load

metric poo-ton

metric smurfload

metric turdload

microscopic American

microtallywhacker

mid-atmosphere-falling-jump-thingy

middle minion management

mid-nookie

midpiddle

MILFify

milfologist

milifuck

military-y

mindbendee

mind-blower-upper

mindboink

mind-firetruck

mind-forever-frakked-uppedness

mindfornicate

mindfuckologist

mindfuckometer

mindfucktastic

mini-clustereff

minionator

mini-Rasta-y

miscreantitude

Minneapolis-stan

missing-the-pointitude

Mr. Horse Fuckeee

Mr. Joe Penisbrain

Mr. Sucky Poo Poo Pants

Mr. Suddenly-Non-Turd

Mr. Sweaty Scream-o

mmmf face

mmmmmmmmminess

mochafication

moistenator

molestolicious

mom-burban

mommatruckin'

momsploitation

mom-stitute

Monday-y

monkey balls nuts

monkey-permissive

monster-freaking-pocalypse

moosementum

mooseploitation

moral turditude

moral whatever-tude

moronatron

moron dust

moronitudinous

moronobot

moronwad

motherblesser

motherbopper

mothercheneyer

motherexpletiver

motherfuckeress

motherfuckerload

motherfuckerology

motherfuckingfucker

motherfuckwad

motherless fuck

Mother Mary on a slice of toast

motherplooker

motherprober

mothersmegger

Mother Theresa on a motorbike

Mother Theresa-y

mother-you-know-what-er

mucho-crapitudinous

muffin-napper

muffin-top-icity

muffinward

multi-crapola

mumbledy-moomba

mutineeress

mutineeringishly

mwah-fucking-ha

mysterious-osity

mythology-y

N

nad-ectomy

naked-sexual-whatever

Nancy Poopenheifer

nano-billiards

nano-bionic-whateverization

nanoblahblah

nano-cylo-std

nano-destructo-gun

nano-destructo-mat

nano-diddly-squat

nanodoodle

nano-douche-bot

nanofilet

nanomajig

nano-nads

nano-peepee

nanopoop

nanoschlong

nano-sleaze

nanosomethingorother

nano-souled

nanotesticles

nano-wand of love

nano-wrath

nanny-boinking

nannylicious

natural-ish-y

nature’s cockblock

nausea-tastic

neanderbot

neanderchick

neandergoat

neanderstuff

neanderthaless

neanderthal magnet

neanderwhatsit

near-drowning-by-swirlie

neckamajigger

necro-boink

necro-whatsit

neglectitude

nekkiditity

neo-eco-socio-wacko

neo-nympho-super-race

nether-testines

nether-thingy

neurodoublefucked

neuro-psycho-whacko

neuro-puffs

neurospatula

newscasterette

newsdude

nincompoopitude

ninja-in-chief

Nintendo-ish-esque-kinda-sorta

nipple-obsessed simian

nipplitudinous

Nobel Science Lunatic Prize

non-abominationable

non-assbag

non-assmunch

non-autoerotic-asphyxiating

non-banjo-istic

non-basics-neglecting

non-ball-licking

non-batshit-bombthrowing-crazy

non-batshitified

non-batshit-loco

non-batshitly

non-beboobed

non-bepenised

non-betesticled

non-bigfoot sighting-esque

non-boner-giving

non-boobness

non-boom-boom-boom

non-brain-hurty

non-bugnuttery

non-bunghole

non-choo-choo

non-crapful

non-crapsack

non-crapularity

non-crotchal

non-daddy-issues-having

non-deadish

non-democraciness

non-Depends demographic

non-diddly-squat-doing

non-doomedness

non-doomtastic

non-douchitude

non-dreckful

nondumbassery

non-dweebiness

non-emergency-room-physician-type

non-evil-ish

non-evilosity

non-fembot

non-flirty-ness

non-fondle-y

non-fuckbot

nonfuckedupedness

non-fuckwad

nonfuckwadish

non-fugly-blubber-wad

non-fun-haver god

non-gigantamundo

non-graveyardy

non-groin regions

non-honkified

non-horndoggy-interactivity

non-hooker-hirer

non-human-esque

non-humany-spirity-thingy

non-inverse-pessimism

non-jackassitude

not-jiggly-anywhere

non-lame-oid

non-meepitude

non-men-type-people

non-monkey-poo

non-monkey-poo-flinging

non-mustache-having

non-near-psychopath

non-nonchalant-ness

non-nookie-related

non-nunny

non-oodles

non-orgasmitude

non-penis-centric

non-penis-possessor

non-playthingish

non-prick-like-ness

non-robo-gynoid-cybersexual

non-robo-head

non-schmuckish

non-sharey

non-shitbird

non-sleazebucket

non-sleazoid

non-snot-eater

non-snotwad

non-splodey

non-spyful

non-squee-inducing

non-stick-like hottyness

non-sticky-outy

non-suckitudinous

non-suckwadish

non-surgical-glove-clad

non-thongish

non-torture policy

non-turdly

non-turd-oriented

non-Vaderish

non-whoa

noogie-monger

nookie-ish

nookie-licious

nookie-mashing

no-pantsless-bacon-preparation

normal-persony

North Methistan

nose-humping

nose-smushage

no-sleep-alyptic

Nostradamus-esque-ish

Nostradamus schmostradamus

not-a-cancerness

not blowing one's panties off

not-caring-what-other-people-will-thinkitude

not-dead-ness

not playing with a full sack

not-quite-so-eviltude

not-so-barbarianish

not-so-hee

nuke-o-puffs

numbskulless

nun-in-chief

nunliness

nun-napping

nutball-in-chief

nutballitude

nutbarhood

nutbaritude

nutburgery

nutcase-dazzling

nutsopath

nyah-nyah-diddly-dang-duddly-doo

NyQuil goggles

O

oblivilicious

obvious-tacular-ish

octo-centric

octo-grandpa

Odinosity

Odin-tastic

Odin-y

oh-so-fucktastically-subtle

OMGWTFBBQPOLARBEAR

omnidouche

omnifucking

omni-whateverism

on-crack-itude

ooby-doobied

oomphitude

Operation Fucking Disaster

Oprah-garchy

Oprahological

Oprahvescent

opto-mole-ology-ist

oracle-burger

orangu-dookie

organ-harvesty

organic breeding vat

orgasmitude

orgasmological

ortho-yada-yada-ology

Outer Bungholistan

ovary-style

overlordage

over-the-top-ery

overwroughtitude

ow-fricking-fracking-ch

P

paid protruder

pain-in-the-assitude

paleo-critter

paleo-douche

paleo-jackass

paleo-lady

paleo-whatsit

paleo-whatsit-doohickey-phallic-device

palookette

pandarazzi

pants-on aesthetic appreciation

panty-hose-zilla

paralleloriffic

parental eunuch

pariahess

patoodler

patron anorexic cokehead twin

Paula Abdul-usional

pearbutt

pecker-waggy

peckerwoodedness

peefulness

peekabooblicious

peelessly

pee-piphany

peesome threesome

pee-tastrophe

peeverazzi

pencil-dickedness

penguin-abusing

penguin-mongering

penguin-on-penguin action

penisary

performance artist-y

perma-poop

perp-waddle

personal-boundary-invading

pervertitude

pestilence-ish

pet-monkey-ize

Phelpsianistic

philosophical-rifficy

phlegmliness

phlegmapalooza

phlegmocracy

phlegmometer

pickle-sacked

pig-bladdery

pig-butt-nasty

pigeon-bepooped

pigfornicator

pig in a lace hat

pigwad

pillow-fighting-esque

pimp-o-riffic

pinata-flogging

pineapple-ologist

ping pong shui

Pinko-Atheist-in-Chief

pins-and-needles-y

pissing-offage

pissy hissy snit-fit

pithicism

pizzazz-a-majiggy

pizzlehead

placentalicious

plookload

plumber’s-crack-defying

plumber-sploitation

poignantistic

police-erazzi

politico-whacko

politi-dude

polterdog

polterdork

polter-rat

polterthing

pontifferiffic

pontiff-licking

pontificatedness

pooageddon

poochy-lipped

poo-diddly-oop

poodlecapades

poodlescent

poodlehuahua

poodle-in-law

poodle-worthy

poofacehead

poo-free zone

pooitude

pookie-wookie-woo

poo-nibbling

poopberg

poop-chute-friendly

poopertraitor

poopfacebutt

poop-hoser

poopie woopie doopie loopie

poopitudinous

poopoo brain head guy

poopoobuckethead

poopooburger

poopoobutthead

poopooheadbutt

poopoopoocock

poopoowad

poopsome

poopy-ploppy-poo

poopy-ridden

poopytard

poor-human-being-itude

poosaster

popcorn-action-flick-y

pope-o-licious

popular as wet socks

porkfully

porno-determinism

port-o-potty-pocalypse

postalish-bionic

post-apocalypticish

post-beard-scuba-vibe

post-beefgasm

post-brain-suckage syndrome

post-cheesesteak-gasm

post-dinner-sinner

post-Janet-Jackson’s-breast

post-lunchitude

post-traumatic mustache disorder

post-nipslip

post-traumatic butt-viewing stress disorder

post-traumatic cheesesteak syndrome

post-traumatic dating syndrome

post-traumatic olfactory disorder

post-traumatic red wine disorder

post-traumatic sexy caged-heat syndrome

post-traumatic stress syndromey

post-traumatic swirly disorder

post-traumatic Tony Danza Show disorder

post-zombie-lyptic

prayergasm

pre-batshit-insane

pre-Cylonpocalypse

predecessoress

pre-diddly-ictable

pre-doofus-lobbying

pre-douchebaggery

pre-douchebagology

pre-emptive porking

prefrontal Spitzer lobe

pre-fucked-over

prefuckedupness

pregcellent

pregnantification

pre-Jesusistic

pre-killer-robot

pre-misinterpreted

preposterlicious

pre-preggish

pre-schmoopification

pre-shtup

President I’m So Buff

pre-unholy-trinity

pre-yore

priaptastic

princessitude

princess of darkness-y

Princess of Porkitude

Princess Snotbucket

prison inmate whisperer

pro-binky-nuk-sucky-lovey-ya-ya

pro-crotchfruit

proctologistess

proctologistette

product-placement-y

Professor Fuckfacehead

prolifera

pro-moronicide

prophecy-y

prosti-kitty

prosti-pouting

prosti-teacher

prostiturkey

proto-mook

proud-to-be-brainwashed

pseudo-boinkage

pseudo-bozo-techno-lingo

pseudo-bumpkin

pseudo-codgery

pseudo-creepo

pseudo-facty

pseudo-fornication

pseudo-non-crummy

pseudo-non-girlfriend

pseudo-robo-sperm

pseudo-spatula

pseudo-speedo

psychocyberstalkerperv

psychomajiggy

psychonutball

psycho-robo-rambo

psychostache

psychotic-murderess-free

ptero-dino-whatsit

public-restroomy

pucker-buttedness

puddingheadedness

puh-puh-puh-puh-leeze

puh-sleaze

pulchritudinosity-ish-ness

puppy-y

put-out-upon-ness

putridosity

Q

quadriboobage

quadri-butt

quadruple gak

quad-whatever the hell it is-angle of doom

quantumblahblah

quasi-buffitude

quasi-crackpotitude

quasi-doltish

quasi-fetishy

quasi-incesterrific

quasi-sorta-medieval-ish

quesadilla-palooza

R

rapture-o-matic

rat-bastardliness

rat bleeper

rat-eating episode

ratfork

ratfuckee

ratfuckery

Rat gods, the

rathuahua

reach-around-y

re-bionicized

rebuffooned

recently-released-from-the-crypt

redemption-scented

redeemage

re-defrock

re-diddly-damn-diculous

reekage

referendumologist

re-kill-ify

re-lackey-ize

relationshipistic

relationshipular

releperization

repercussiony

repornified

reproductive artifact

re-re-re-unretire

re-spawnification

restraining-order-ish

restraino-complaino

resuckified

reverse-psycho-babble-ology-ish

reverse seduce-ology

rich-himbo-wannabe

ride the Sane Train

righteousish

Robert Downey Jr.-gasm

robo-aardvark-man

robobabysitter

robo-boobage

robobrarian

robocest

robo-dementia

robo-dirigibles

robo-drool

robo-fornication

robo-gams

robo-libido

robo-macaque

robo-maternal

robo-mommy

robo-murderer

robo-paddle

robopube

robo-scumbag

robo-seductress

robo-sideboob

robo-stroke

robo-testicle

robo-whatsit

roll up one’s campsite

roommate-cest

rubble-izer

S

Saddam-lite-style

sado-optimist

sad-to-manic-sackery

samurailicious

Sanchezee

sandwichitude

sandy butt crack syndrome

santorum-slurping

santorum-smudged

santorum-swilling

sarcasmagoric

sarcasmgasm

sardonica bone

sasquatchtastic

satanic-ish

Sataniness

Satan-in-law

Satanitude

satanosity

sausagefestish

sausage-tight

scapepoodle

scentofawomantaur

Schiavotastic

schlamydia

schmastrophysics

schmanotechnology

schmerebellum

schmigmata

schmobotomy

schmoopiecakes

schmoopieface

schmoopiepants

schmoopology

schmoopsie-poo

schmouch

schmubby-wubby-poo

schmuckadoodledoo

schoolmarmitude

Schtup-a-lobbyistgate

screaming leftist unbiblical liberal

scrotastical

scrotological

scrotumette

scoundrel-osity

scumbagliness

scumbucketface

scum-bucket-head

scumologist

sea donkerella

sea-dweeb

self-besmittenness

self-confoozled

self-depantsifier

self-destructive-y

self-fraking-explanatory

self-hatey

self-wettage

semi-asshat-free

semi-crapola-free

semi-dipshit

semi-hemi-demi-quarterly

semi-moronish

semi-non-normous

semi-nutballish

semi-ok-crappy-esque

semi-pervish

semi-quasi-half-baked

semi-smidgen

semi-spoiledish

semi-suckless

semi-wet-dreaminess

senior exorcist

seniorcitizenfriend

sentientish

serial-haremology

serial intercourser

serial killer-dar

seventeenth banana

sexbombish

sex goddessless

sex-god-type-person

sex-grenade

sexpotbot

sexual genius-dar

Shaqenfreude

shaving-cream penis enema

she-doofus

shish-ka-Mom

shitfacecrap

shitheadess

shitheadface

shitheelette

shit-nuts-itude

shitpantsy

shit-splosive

shit-tastic-ness

shoe-enfreude

shoozbloggery

Short-Shorts Von Buttcheeken

shrivelage

siblingcest

sick-puppy-esque-ness

simperiffic

simul-fuck

singing-frog-itis

site despunkifier

skankamaphone

skankitudinous

skankspionage

skankstache

skanktard

skankularity

skeezeballitude

sketchbally

skinhose

skidmarkalgia

slackassage

slaghimoffgraphy

sleazeballette

sleazetard

sleep like a crack baby

slightly-pseudo-semi-Jennifer-Connelly-like-inspired-ish-esque

slimeballitude

slobberee

slurpitude

smasho-crasho

smegmatacular

smegmatude

smooth move, Shrub-lax

smurfitudinous

smurf stub

smurftarded

smurfwad

smushification

snake-happy

snausage feet syndrome

sneak-assity

snip-snippy

snitfittery

snore-gasmic

snowball's-chance-in-hell-o-meter

snowpoca-geddon

Snuggie derangement syndrome

Snuggie-ological

snug-non-wedgie-giving-full-coverage

snuzzlewumpkins

soap opera villain-y

social-issuey

sociopath-ish

socio-psycho-whatsit

sod-mothering

someone-crapped-in-my-cereal face

someone-is-staring-at-my-ass-dar

something-thy

song-stuck-in-the-headitude

sororitastic

soul-hurty

soulmate-itude

soul-suckee

soul-suckitude

space-porn-themed

spandexical

spandexitude

spasmgasm

spatulagasm

spatula-istic

spatularity

spatula-worthy

spearitation

special agent-tastic

special-forces-y

spec-tastic-tacular-gasm-worthy

speedotastic

spermliness

spermomatic

spermthrower

sperm-wiggle

spiffy-ish-licious

splooshy-splooshy-sploosh

splurgage

spokesdumbass

spokes-fembot

spokesfuckhead

spokesfucktard

spokeshenchman

spokeslunatic

spokesnomad

spokesnutjob

spokesrat

spokescum

spokes-werewolf

spoogebot

spoogeaholic screwpuppet

squaloriffic

squatch-thusiast

squickliness

squicknaciousness

squickometer

squickosity

squicky-icky

stalkerifficness

stank-a-riffic

starlet-hopping

stem-cell-hugger

step-brother-fucker

step-butthead

step in a pile of moron

stepshithead

steroidocracy

stiffify

stigmatalicious

still-tini

stinkboiga

stoner-bedazzling

straightforwardiness

straightjacket-happy

stunt-pope

sub-atomic wedgie

sub-sub-henchmen

succubusless

successfulishness

suckassability

suck-assdom

suck big green hairy monkey balls

suck-buttitude

suckfestacular

suck-fucking-tacular

suck on this pancake

sudden onset Stevie Nicks syndrome

su-diddly-fucking-uck

sugar coma-ness

suitcase pimpette

super-blatherdom

super-boobular

super-duper-nano-choco-thermite

super-duper-robo-thingy-of-doom

super-fantastic-nerdcore-tacular

supergeniusitude

super-grope-y

super-harass-o-matic

super-hoove-y

super-mega-butt-crack-destroying

super-robo-ferret

super-sado-psychokiller

super-ultra-mega-god-like

super-ultra-mega-melty

supervillainistic

swamp-ass-free

swank-o-riffic

Swede-Pizza-Boy-turned-HOT-model-slash-Paris’-boyfie

sweet holy fucking mother of batshit

sweet holy mother of my neighbor’s cat

sweet Matilda's hymen

sweet merciful monkey cheese

sweet merciful Oprah

sweet merciful pancakes

sweet mother of pancakes

sweet Mother Mary on a motorboat

synergy-y

T

takething

tamponistic

tardocracy

technobabblegasm

techno-dweebistic

techno-geekocracy

Ted-Bundy-of-the-month club

teddybearification

teen Christian-porn pop

Tehran-iness

teleportacious

teleportationology

teleprompterrific

tentaclesque

tentaclicious

terroriness

terroristette

testicle-chomping

testicle-ish

testicular guessitude

testicularitiness

testosterone-lactating

testosterone-marinated

testosterone-tainted tootsie

testosteroniness

testosto-bot

testosto-moronic

testosto-rage

thankchristfully

that-guy-palooza

thingahoosits

third-person-osity

thongageddon

thinga-longwordsomethingortheother-majiggy

thongaroos

thongfully

thong-twanging

Thorliness

three-way-o-phobe

throbulent

throw a nutter

throwupitudinous

thumb-thusiast

thumbs-uppiest

thwackitude

tie-to-the-bedable

tight-buttitude

tingly areas

tired-geddon

tire-swing-pocalypse

toasterfucker

toaster whisperer

toe lickage

toiletitude

Tomb Raider mega-boobies syndrome

tongue-bath-worthy

Top Gun-itis

torturetorium

torturiness

totalitariany

tot-tosterone

touchy-gropy

toupeedar

trainwreckaliciously

trashwad

traumatic facelift perma-surprise

Trek-tosterone

trepan-happy

triboobage

tri-boobedness

triboobular

triple-ganger

trou-droppage

trouserwad

trumpety-strumpety

truthinessiness

tupperware-thingy-majigger

turbo-destructo-pup

turbo-doofus

turbo-numbnuts

turbo-phlegm

turbo-pope

turbo-sin

turbo-trollop

Turd-Blossom-gate

turdbuffery

turdbuttface

turdcake

turdfacehead

turdlessness

turdocaust

turdological

turdtastrophe

turkeysploitation

turnedonedness

twat-lite

tweakificating

tweeometer

20-tentacle tango

two-donut-dejellification

TWSSing

U

uber-doofus

uber-suckage

uber-turd-burger

uh-oh-face guy

ultra-mega-kaboom

ultra-mega-lift-no-bounce

ultra-zoomy

unbebunned

unbiggify

un-blah

unbloodified

un-bride-y

unclecest

Uncle Inappropriate-ness

uncleplucker

un-CNBC-like

un-crazifying

undercover pigdar

undergroundy-ish

under-henchling

undernasties

un-diddly-fiddly

undudelike

un-dumbassify

un-flipping-flapping-real

unfuckedupedness

unfucktarditude

un-holiday-ish-esque

unidiotness

unilateral-invasion-mobile

un-Jedi-ishly

un-mega-holy

un-me-ishly

un-Palinated

unpopely

unpornify

un-professional-istic

un-prophetesque

upscale-y

unsex-workerly

unsexyish

un-smurfing-polite

un-starletish

un-Warrior-Princess-like

upfuckery-induced

upownarsitivity

V

vagilina

vampirey-succubusy

Vaticanosity

va-vavoominess

vegetable-travaganza

vend-o-hair

vent fucker

veto-ginity

Vic Mackey-esque

Vic Mackey-ish

Vic Mackey-ness

Vikingologist

visit Feakle parish

voodoo-istical

VPILFtastic

vulva-savvy

W

wa-boing

wack-assage

wackassitude

wadbreath

wadwipe

wallowlicious

wangitude

wankerdar

wankeristical

wankerologist

wankerwad

wankitudinous

wankosity

warlordiness

warlorditude

Warrior Princess-esque

wedgie-resistant

weebies

Weird Al-esque-ness-ism

weirdo-dar

were-proctologist

wet-blanket-ish

wet sock for brain

whackaloonism

whackopath

Whackjobistan

whatchamacrap

whatchama-doo-jobby

whateverdoodle

whatever-doodle-mutt

whatevershippy

whatever-whatever-ology

whatsitology

what-the-bleepishness

What-the-frak-is-going-onsville

what-the-fuckometer

whelm scale

Where-the-fuck-istan

which-way-did-he-go-George-ing

whiffle-fluffer-blissed-outiest

whipped like rabid skunks

whirly-twirly-leapy-flippy

white-knuckle-can’t-put-it-downedness

white-trashtacular

whoa-itude

whocaresified

who-knows-what-ectomy

who-the-fuck-cares-edness

whuckwhuckwhucking

why-the-heck-are-we-still-talking-about-this-gate

wienerhuahua

wig lumpage

wimpery

wingnutdar

wipewad

wolfshit insane

womanpanzee

women's-magazine-y

woohooery

WOOHOOHUZZAHOMGYAY

worth-ish-y

WTFOMGTMDTLAARGBBQ?! face

WTF-osity

X

Xena-phobic

Xenu-tastic

Y

yakketyblog

yam-oriented

yap-yap-yappering

yokelosity

Yokocaust

your-mum-in-a-jar-ologist

yuck-bomb

Z

zombie-dar

zombie-ess

zombitudinous

zombocracy

zookeeper-mauling